


She keeps on passing me by

by Leteach505



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Art School, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Dina-centric (The Last of Us), F/F, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Lesbian Character, Mutual Pining, Teacher-Student Relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:21:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 47
Words: 115,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27546742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leteach505/pseuds/Leteach505
Summary: Dina thinks she has it all figured out. The perfect boyfriend, living situation, and a job teaching at an art school in Jackson. It's all stable and safe, just what she assumes she should want out of life, that is until a new student walks into her class.Or the one where Dina is an art school professor who falls for her new student, Ellie.For my wife.This is closely based on how we met and fell in love.Fic title from "our song," Passin' Me By by The Pharcyde
Relationships: Dina & Ellie (The Last of Us), Dina & Jesse (The Last Of Us), Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Dina/Jesse (The Last of Us), Ellie & Joel (The Last of Us), Ellie/Joel (The Last of Us)
Comments: 573
Kudos: 617





	1. See she's my type of hype

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter title from Passin' Me By by The Pharcyde

Dina had this thing called life figured out. Barely in her early twenties, to say she had her shit together was an understatement. Most of her friends were either still in school or just floundering around trying to figure out who they were. Dina had stability, a great boyfriend who was working on becoming a Firefighter, a bachelor's degree, a stable home with her boyfriend's parents (only until he finished the academy), and, most of all, a great job as an adjunct professor at an art university in Jackson. 

She and Jesse had a solid relationship, despite it feeling a little pedestrian to her at times. Dina did love him, and she figured this was it for her, so what if things weren't always passionate enough for her tastes? He more than made it up with his big heart. All of her friends told her how lucky she was to have such a great caretaker, and Dina tended to agree. After having so many fucked up, unbalanced relationships, Jesse was a breath of fresh air. He had helped her get her degree by working so she could focus on school. On top of it, his family took her in, giving her the first taste of a real family since she lost her own so many years prior. 

At first, when she met Jesse, Dina was hesitant to pursue anything serious with him or anyone. She was so busy working towards her life goals that there just wasn't room for anything or anyone else. But Jesse was persistent, and eventually, Dina felt as if he deserved a real shot. After that, it was easy to fall into the relationship, and Dina found herself in the calm quiet of her life for the first time. And while she was used to her life being more about passion and striving for the things she wanted, maybe things being easy for once was what "normal" people craved?

It was the start of a brand new semester, and Dina was looking forward to seeing the familiar faces of her students as well as the new faces of incoming freshmen. She taught mainly the technical classes, her degree being in Computer Science and Engineering. Her days were primarily spent in the windowless, basement level of the campus, among the rows of computers that made the rooms muggy. Still, she loved her job and was happy to be genuinely making a difference in people's lives. Choosing art school was a more challenging road, and Dina was delighted she could help so many people making the brave, unconventional choice to pursue their dreams. Being a professor wasn't necessarily what she thought she would end up doing, but like other aspects of her life as of late, easy things seemed to be the way to go.

Dina had spent the morning getting her syllabus together and preparing her class policies. Her good friend Cat wandered into the lounge with her tattooed arms filled with student projects from the previous semester. "Good morning, Cat. Need a hand?" Cat huffed as the projects spilled from her arms and onto the empty tables next to Dina. "Nope. Got it. So what are you teaching this semester?" Dina smiled at the taller woman; she always liked Cat, if only because she wasn't the typical stuffy academic. Cat was a painting instructor, and she moonlit as a tattoo artist in her own growing studio. In truth, Dina admired Cat because she represented everything Dina used to be.

"I have Web Development I and II, Advanced Product Development, and I'm co-teaching the Product Development team for that National College Tech competition." Dina was really excited about that last class. It was her first time doing this, but she knew the school had won this competition in the past. She had taken part when she was in college, and it was a great learning experience that resulted in a lot of networking and incredible resume highlights.

Cat chuckled as she grabbed a water bottle from the community fridge. "So you got roped into that, huh? Well, good luck." Dina smirked; she was more than up for the challenge. "I know Chris mentioned it was kind of a shit show, but I got it. Hey, drinks this evening after your last class?" Cat nodded. The two would often join more of the faculty at the nearby Mexican restaurant to have drinks after classes were done for the evening. Since Jesse had been working as a volunteer at a nearby village's fire station, on top of working through the Academy, Dina found herself alone and bored most nights. "You know it!" Dina heard as she gathered her class rosters and headed down to the basement for her first class.

The first two classes went well, and Dina felt like she was back in her groove. This was almost autopilot for her. Her last class of the evening was Web Development I, and she was excited to meet all the new incoming freshmen. She opened up the classroom and took her place behind the projector as the students shuffled in. Most were quiet and awkward, trying to navigate a new school and environment. In her experience, most art students were terrified of the technical aspects of their degrees, so Dina knew she had make the first-day all about building trust. 

The entire room was almost filled as the time approached 8 pm, class start time. "Go ahead and get settled, and we will get going in just a minute. In the meantime, please take one of each of these sheets and pass the rest on." Dina watched the students grab a copy of the syllabus and the class policies while passing the remaining sheets to their nearest neighbor. Once the clock hit 8 pm, Dina grabbed the remaining sheets from the last student and asked, "Did everyone get a copy of the class syllabus and the class policies?" She watched some heads nod, but before she could set about getting class started, she heard shoes squeaking loudly down the hallway approaching her door. A few students chuckled, and Dina stopped what she was about to say to stare at the doorway in annoyance.

Suddenly a tall auburn-headed girl appeared in the bright doorway of the classroom. Dina felt her breath being knocked from her chest. Goosebumps broke out in a wave over her arms and up her neck. Her pulse quickened. At the moment, she forgot herself completely, falling into a completely visceral reaction to what she could only reason was the most alluring person she had ever laid eyes on. 

"Sorry. I didn't get the handouts." The girl spoke with an inexplicably, sexy voice. Dina had never been so aware of someone's voice before then. After grabbing one of each of the papers from Dina's shaky hands, the girl made her way to the only open seat, directly to Dina's right. That was Dina's cue to carry on class, but she wasn't sure she could bring herself to speak, much less move. She set the papers down on the table next to her keyboard and reached for the roster, trying to buy herself some time to regroup. Scanning the names on the list, one caught her eye, Ellie Williams. What an unconventional and sexy name. There was no way it didn't belong to the late arrival.

"Wel...Welcome to Web Development I. I am Dina Martinez, and I will be your instructor for the semester." She was still trying to force herself through the first-day speech that was almost second nature to her at this point. Taking roll was the first thing on the agenda, and Dina was glad it didn't require the use of her brain. That organ was stuck on the gorgeous student to her right. As she approached the bottom of the list where the beautiful name was, her hope grew as the prospect of correctly guessing the name's owner was becoming more and more likely. 

"Ellie Williams?" The red-heads arm shot up halfway. "That's me. I'm a graphic design major, and I'm looking forward to learning from you, Ms. Martinez." Dina almost fainted at the sound of that voice directed at her. "Please, everyone, just call me Dina. We aren't that formal here." It was true, but Dina wanted to point it out to Ellie in particular because she had a nagging interest in hearing her first name leave those full lips. 

The rest of class went quickly. Dina went over the syllabus and policies, and she had a first-day exercise all planned out, but her brain was so stuck on stupid, she just let everyone go early. "See you all on Wednesday." 

She tried to concentrate on organizing her things before packing up to leave for the evening. "Thanks, Dina. Sorry I was late. Nice to meet you." Fuck, that voice again. Dina looked up from her papers to instantly fall into the most gorgeous green eyes she had ever seen. Holy shit, how was she ever going to make it through the semester with such a distraction? "Just try not to make it a habit, Williams." She forced her eyes away from the girl in front of her. The heat in her belly was like a magnet pulling her towards the student. It was wrong on so many levels. The auburn haired girl chuckled and said, "I absolutely won't. I think I have you for that Product Development competition class too?" Oh fuck, Dina was fucked. Four days a week like this!? She managed a weak nod and a smile before the girl followed her out into the hallway. 

"Have a good night Williams. See you tomorrow." Their paths diverged in the parking lot as Dina crossed the now empty parking lot to make her way towards the Mexican restaurant across the street. "Call me Ellie, please. And you too." The girl climbed into a bright red Jeep, and Dina had never seen a sexier vehicle in her life. Was everything about this girl that hot?

Dina heard the car turn over and listened to the music pouring out the driverside window. The Jeep kicked up rocks as it peeled out and took off in the opposite direction from her. What a fucking crazy day, Dina thought as she made her way to the front of the restaurant. Dina never considered feeling this way about a woman, much less a student. She had heard of other faculty dating or hooking up with students, but their contract's anti-fraternization clause strictly forbade it. Not mention, Dina didn't consider herself gay or even bi. Sure she had kissed a girl once or twice, but it was more of a fun thing than something she considered doing again. Besides, Jesse was the one for her. At least that was what she kept telling herself as she searched the bar area for her co-workers.


	2. Held to the past, too aware of the pending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who can believe in love at first sight if they believe that love is something you have to strive so hard to make true?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from The Past and Pending by the Shins (a song my wife often plays for me on guitar, by a band from my hometown)

Dina found Cat alone at the bar, chatting up the bartender. It was no secret that Cat loved the ladies, and fuck if they didn't love her back. The bartender leaned so far over the bar that Dina thought maybe she would crawl across it into Cat's lap. "Hey. Should I grab a table?" Dina didn't want to take the open stool next to the tattooed woman, but she also didn't want to stand around awkwardly waiting for the flirting to conclude. "Oh, hey, Dina. Yeah, sure, I'm the only one here, so go for it. I'll join you in a sec."

Dina pulled two of the smaller tables together to make room for all the usual faculty that often accompanied them. The waiter came by, and Dina ordered a Crown and Coke with no ice. Tonight's crazy encounter called for heavy-duty drinking. Perhaps with enough alcohol, these thoughts would leave her, and she could find a way to make it through the semester without making a complete mess of herself. It was hard not to be utterly confused by her reaction to the new student's appearance in her classroom. Dina wasn't one to buy into the idea of such fantastical myths as "love at first sight." Despite that thought crossing her mind, she was certain her heart was far more rational than to love anyone at random. Spontaneous, almost reckless, Dina had long since left the building.

"So, how was the first day?" Cat pulled out the chair next to Dina before taking a swig of her beer. The waiter returned with Dina's drink. "Crown and Coke, NO ice." He smiled at her and turned to leave. "Ok, well, I guess that answers my question. Must have been bad if you are bringing out the big guns this early." Cat winked, and Dina felt her cheeks flush. "It was fine, Cat. I just let them go early. First day and all." It wasn't really a lie, but it was the cleanest way to stuff her feelings down. Hopefully, the alcohol would drown out the constant loop of those mesmerizing green eyes running through her head.

Just then, the door swung open, and Dina heard Chris's loud laugh. A group of faculty bunched into the door with him and made their way towards the table. Chris was Dina's favorite co-worker. He was an incredibly talented photographer and fine artist. He was also one to push the boundaries on literally everything. For instance, he was a member of The Satanic Temple, a self-professed Brony, an 80s toy collector, and a proud "dick lover," as he often put it. Chris was also more intelligent than anyone she had ever met, and he was Dina's biggest supporter. Despite his bitchy disposition, Chris really did have a huge heart, one he tried to hide from most people. 

While Dina adored him, he did enjoy teasing her, often suggesting that her relationship with Jesse was just a mask for her hidden inclination for the same sex. Dina always thought Chris just wanted everyone in the world to be gay because "it would make them more interesting," as he often said. But after today's experience, she was extra sensitive about his insistence that she liked women. His growing pile of evidence had been circumstantial at best, just enough to allow her to deny it with gusto. She instantly became worried that after tonight's class, she wouldn't be able to joke about such things with him anymore.

Her friendships with Cat and Chris were a great escape from the people she usually spent time with outside of work. Most of her "friends" were, in fact, Jesse's friends, and all of them thought Dina was weird. They would often remark on her likes and taste in movies, music, and art. She often felt very alone because of it, so when Jesse started working so much, Dina took the opportunity to grow closer to her co-workers in hopes of finding people who accepted her for who she was.

"Hi, Cat. Where's your flannel? Did you spend the day listening to Melissa Etheridge?" Chris loved to tease Cat about being such a blatant lesbian, but it was all in good fun. "I don't own any flannel's, dick. And I left my Melissa Ethridge tape at your house, next to your butt plugs." Cat was always up for the challenge, and Dina rather enjoyed watching the two verbally spar over who was gayer. "And you, Dina? How was another day of being in the closet?" Dina took a large swig instead of answering with something smart ass in return. Her heart couldn't handle this, not today. Was Chris right? 

"And what the fuck are you drinking about?" Dina was hoping she could get more alcohol in her system before too much attention landed on her. "Nothing. Why do I need to be drinking about something, Chris?" He looked over at Cat, who just shrugged and finished up her beer. "Anyone want something?" Cat was already getting up from her chair as Dina tried to finish the sickly sweet concoction in her glass. "I'll take another."

Chris nudged her. "Soooo. How is Jesse?" Dina knew Chris thought he was hot, but also that the two made an unlikely couple. "How's the dick, I mean." "Chris!" Dina turned red, not because talking about sex embarrassed her, but because she didn't want anyone to know they hadn't done more than give each other a quick kiss hello or goodbye in months. Chris rolled his eyes and turned his attention to Cat at the bar. "Fuck. She might as well be fisting that bartender on this table. Could she be any more thirsty?" Dina laughed and smacked his arm before turning to talk with more of her fellow faculty. A wave of relief washed over her as he stopped his relentless attack.

The group chewed over the latest school gossip and bitched about the university's crazy president before settling on more innocuous banter. "So." Cat had a mischievous look in her eyes. "How's the new crop of freshmen? Any...prospects?" The whole table laughed, and Dina almost choked on her drink. Cat was always discussing with Chris which students they found attractive, and for the most part, it was harmless. It had even become a running joke for the rest of the faculty to try and guess who the "new prospects" were for Cat and Chris. Dina was hoping to avoid talking about her new student and the spark she felt in her presence. There was a genuine concern that her feelings were as evident to everyone else as they had been to her. Could this discussion betray her?

"I have one for you, Cat." Paul almost sounded giddy. "She HAS to be batting for your side." Dina started to panic. Could it be? Her eyes clamped shut as she tried to will him to stop. "Ellie Williams. Mark my words. Definite Cat prospect." Dina almost choked again. "Paul, how do you know she is gay?" Nicole sounded incredulous. "She came into my lit class with what looked like a purse." Chris laughed. "Purse. Yea, that confuses things." Dina was now panicking, terrified that her feelings were seeping through her pores somehow. 

Paul didn't seem to sense anything and instead dismissed Nicole and Chris's logic. "Whatever. Dina, she's a graphic design major. Did you have her in web development?" Dina nodded shyly. Her brain felt like it was buzzing in her skull. She desperately tried to control her heartbeat, but she couldn't even swallow for fear that any movement would give her away to her co-workers. "So?" Chris and the rest of the table stared at her, and suddenly she felt so small. "What?" "Fuck, Dina. Is she gay or not!?" Everyone watched her, and she was sure every one of her co-workers could read the desire she had for this girl. The attraction was so obvious to her; how could it not be to everyone else? Minutes were ticking away, and she felt like she was caught in a lie. Dina mustered a shaky breath before allowing some sound defenses to assemble in her broken brain. "I don't know. My gaydar is shit. She did have a sort of purse, but it wasn't like a handbag. Besides, that is such a bad cliche. I don't carry a purse, and I'm not gay." She was satisfied with her deflection; that is until Chris snorted, "Yea, sure you aren't!" The entire table cracked up, and normally Dina would have something witty cued up in response, but after tonight, she was completely flustered.

After eating some tacos and sobering up enough to drive home, Dina told the crew goodnight and headed back to Jesse's parents' house. She knew he would be at the fire station in Wilson until late tomorrow morning, which meant another night alone in their bed. Luckily she had another bottle of Crown stashed in the freezer to make sure she slept just fine. She poured herself a hefty glass and quietly made her way to their room without disturbing his parents. More alcohol was needed to finally turn off her brain. 

That night Dina had a very vivid dream. She was riding in the back of any open carriage down East Broadway in Jackson. A woman was sitting next to her, but the woman's face was blurred. Dina desperately wanted to know who she was, but she couldn't talk in her dream to ask. The words were there, but her mouth would not form them. Despite the mystery, Dina felt incredibly safe in this other woman's presence. At some point, she let go and started to enjoy the feeling and scenery. White string lights illuminated the main stretch through Jackson. It was beautiful, and for some reason, Dina felt like this a glimpse of her future. If only she knew who was next to her.

Suddenly the woman reached across Dina to cup the cheek furthest from her. She stared into her face, Dina looking back into the blur. The other woman closed the distance and kissed Dina deeply. The kiss radiate from her lips down her spine and out her limbs like bolts of light. It had the earmarks of a first kiss, soft and measured but was far better than any kiss she had experienced in her life. At that moment, Dina knew she was having her last first kiss. 

When she awoke the next morning, she tried to remember everything she could about the dream. While making breakfast, it dawned on her that the woman had auburn hair. Fuck, this was getting out of hand. Dina needed reinforcements.

Later that afternoon, Dina found herself in the faculty lounge, trying to mentally prepare for another encounter with Ellie. Chris came in, carrying a stack of papers. His long beard was braided down his chest, and Dina thought he looked like a handsome dark wizard. "Ugh. Fuck the patriarchy." Dina laughed. I mean, of course, he was speaking the truth, but what the fuck? Chris was always good for a laugh, but could he be trusted with what she was certain was now a crush? Just as she was about to blurt out her secret, Cat rushed into the lounge. "Hey, Dina. Gay Gandolf." She nodded at both of them and grabbed a water bottle from the fridge. Chris rolled his eyes, but Dina was too distracted. Her confession was building up in her chest, threatening to spill out of her mouth. 

"Dina what the fuck is up with you?" "Yea, you didn't even say fuck the patriarchy back?" Chris laughed his sinister chuckle. "I..." Here goes nothing, she thought. "I think I have a crush." The two other professors looked at one another. "On a girl." "I fucking told you, Cat! I knew it! She owns a fucking truck. I told you!" "Don't be such a dick, Chris. Well, Dina. That's uh, big." Dina felt like running back down to the basement and out of the crossfire of this exchange. "Are you going to scissor her?" "Chris shut the fuck up!" Both women quipped at the same time. "It's not that big of a deal. I just wanted to know if you guys think that means..." Cat tilted her head. "What? Afraid it means you're queer?" Dina felt her chest flush. "Well, it ain't fucking straight. Pretty soon, you'll be wearing flannels and accompanying Cat to fisting class." Chris cackled as he left the lounge, and Dina hung her head between her palms.

"It doesn't mean anything, Dina. Don't listen to him. You have a crush. So what? It's harmless." Dina smiled and gathered her papers. "Please don't tell anyone else, Cat. I just kind of realized it this morning, I guess." She hadn't even thought about talking about it with anyone else, but she really wanted to know if it was a big deal. Like big enough to speak with Jesse about. "Don't sweat it. I have crushes all the time." Somehow that didn't make Dina feel any better. Cat always acted on those crushes. Getting advice from a womanizer seemed like a terrible idea in retrospect, but she thanked the tattooed woman and made her way to her only class of the day. 

In the room, sitting next to her co-teacher, Manny, she tried not to watch the door too closely. Dina knew what, or better yet, who was coming. She was growing impatient and anxious. Hopefully, her reaction would be better than last night. Besides, like Cat said, it was just a harmless crush, and who even knew if Ellie even liked girls. Dina kept giving herself reasons not to want the red-head. She didn't like girls like that; she was supposed to marry Jesse; Jesse loved her. And most importantly, Dina wasn't the type to do anything to fuck with her career; it being the most important thing in her life. Soon the object of her thoughts came into the room accompanied by a second-year student Dina knew from previous semesters. The two laughed, and instantly Dina felt her very solid reasons not to feel anything for Ellie wither away as they were replaced with a fit of seething jealousy.

Ellie shot her a soft smile as she took her seat next to Abby Anderson, the girl she walked in with. Dina noted her style this time around. She wore a slim windbreaker with a hood. No flannels, Dina thought. Her jeans were faded black, tight, with tattered holes in the knees. Ok, admittedly a little gay. She sported some slip-on Vans and across her body was the infamous "purse" they debated about last night. Dina couldn't tell; besides, what does a lesbian look like? She looked down at herself and wondered if Ellie was thinking the same thing about her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To clarify: 
> 
> 1\. Yes I did teach with people just like this. Chris is a real person and his personality is spot on to who he really is. I love him so much for it. Cat is modeled after a few friends mixed together.
> 
> 2\. No I was not straight and closeted before meeting my wife, but I was in a relationship just like the one Dina has here with Jesse, just my "Jesse" was a woman.
> 
> 3\. Yes my wife does look like Ellie (tall, brunette, lighter skin, same style, plays guitar) and I look like Dina (shorter, black curly hair, darker skin). When I first saw the two of them I lost it at how much they both reminded me of us.
> 
> 4\. No the class my wife first took with me was not Web Development, but Intro to Photoshop instead. 
> 
> 5\. Yes my wife carried a Dickies "purse" that confused the hell out of me when trying to figure out if she liked girls.
> 
> 6\. Yes she really did have a red Jeep. One we still own despite it not running at the moment.


	3. Life's not a bitch, life is a beautiful woman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crush intensifies and Dina starts to see the cracks in her current situation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Daylight by Aesop Rock

The first week of classes always felt painfully slow for Dina. Most people want to ease into things, but she enjoyed being busy, distracted from anything and everything else aside from the task at hand. This first week was no different, aside from the massive distraction in two of her classes. Cat and Chris hadn't had the occasion to inquire more about her confession earlier in the week, and Dina was relieved. She was not ready to admit to anyone that her crush was a student. Being that professor, the cliche that falls for a student felt sleazy to her, even if she had zero intention of acting on it.

Dina had something to look forward to distracting her this weekend anyhow. It was Jesse's birthday, and they had planned a big dinner with his friends. Dina had been saving to buy him front row tickets to a concert he had been begging to go to in Texas and the dirt bike he had been asking for. She had carefully budgeted to make his birthday special, and she was excited to surprise him with such lavish gifts. 

On Friday, Dina stopped by campus to monitor the computer lab open sessions. Picking up lab monitor sessions was an easy way to pass her Fridays or weekends, and the extra money was always welcome. It also afforded her the quiet time to work on some of the contract work she always seemed to be hustling to supplement their income. Jesse had quit his paying job almost a year back to prepare for fire academy and to volunteer at the Wilson station. This put a lot of pressure on her to make sure she was paying their rent (a small amount of Jesse's parent's mortgage), both car payments, both student loan payments, and food expenses, all while budgeting to save for their own place. Jesse was admittedly terrible with money; in fact, he had recently begged Dina to purchase them a new SUV that was well outside her budget plan. But Dina had a tough time ever telling him no, particularly because he had taken care of everything while she finished her degree. She figured it was only fair to repay him.

The computer lab was usually quiet or empty the first week of classes since no one had anything school wise to work on. Dina had some soft music playing in the background as she was neck-deep in coding a navigation scheme for a client's website when she saw someone enter the darkened lab out of the corner of her eye. At first, she didn't bother to look up to see who had come in, paying close attention to finishing up a block of code before she lost her train of thought. The lab was large, with clusters of computers on circular tables throughout the room, but the figure settled at her pod.

"So, is this what you do for fun on your day off?" Dina's eyebrow shot up at the remark, the voice threatening to shake her concentration thoroughly. "No. It's just a kill two birds with one stone type of deal. I can finish this website AND get paid to watch an empty room. Well, it WAS empty." Her eyes never left the screen for fear the red-head sitting near her would pick up on her nerves. "Damn, sorry." The tone was more teasing than apologetic. Dina smiled into the light of her monitor. "What are you doing here on a Friday, anyway?"

Ellie pulled a sketchbook from her bag and answered, "I have one of those once a week electives on Friday's. Life drawing. And I wanted to scan my gestures to finish later on my iPad." Dina finally pulled her eyes away from the lines of code on her screen to see the page of Ellie's sketchbook littered with quick gestures of a female model in various poses. In the corners were more detailed sketches of hands and eyes. They were stunning, and Dina felt her breath hitch at the girl's talent to capture someone's beauty. She needed to gather herself to formulate an acceptable response. "Scanner is right back here." She stuck her thumb out over her shoulder. "You know how to use it?" Ellie nodded, and Dina went back to pretending she was actually capable of using her brain for anything other than thinking about the woman behind her.

The buzz of the scanner broke the awkward silence. "This is a classic." Dina turned to face Ellie with confusion. "What is?" "This song. You like Aesop?" Dina nodded slowly, trying to hide her surprise. Not many people shared her obscure taste in music. "You going to see him play the Pink Garter next week?" She had thought about it but knew there was no way Jesse would go with her, even if he did have the time. Going alone wasn't something she really wanted, either. "Maybe." Lying was better, besides she didn't want to admit that the girl using the scanner was the only other person she knew who liked his music. The buzzing stopped, and Ellie shoved the sketchbook back into her bag. "Well, don't work too hard, Teach. See ya Monday." And just like that, Ellie left Dina stupified by the new nickname. 

Dina returned home to Robin, Jesse's Mom making a fuss over dinner. Jesse and his Dad were out playing golf that day. Apparently, he had gotten the day off to hang out with his Dad. Dina tried not to feel jealous that Jesse's first day off in what felt like months was spent in secret on the golf course. She convinced herself that he deserved it, it being his birthday weekend and all. "What can I help with?" The two women finished off Jesse's favorite teriyaki steaks, egg rice, and roasted purple potatoes.

Jesse and his Dad came in an hour later, obviously drunk and laughing about their game. "Hey, Babe!" He wrapped Dina up in a tight hug, and all of the animosity she had earlier melted into the embrace. Dina reminded herself she was lucky to have such a good guy. After setting the table, the four sat down to eat. 

The conversation was mostly about their plans for the weekend dinner with Jesse's friends and their upcoming trip to Texas for the concert. Suddenly Robin broke in with a question for her son. "Jesse, are you working at the clinic next week?" Dina's ears perked up at the question. What clinic? What was his Mom talking about? Jesse was a little too tipsy to notice Dina's confusion. "Yea, Mom, I'm there all week like normal." Dina felt the air leave her lungs like she had been punched in the gut. Jesse had another job she didn't know about? The three at the table were so casual about it that she assumed everyone knew but her. Instantly Dina set about trying to rationalize why he would keep something like that from her. She knew the clinic didn't take volunteers, so Jesse had to be getting paid to work there, yet their joint bank account showed no sign of any paychecks aside from hers. She turned the leftovers on her plate over with her fork, trying to work out a good excuse for keeping a job from her. Then it hit her. The only reason that made sense was that he was finally saving to buy her a ring! She smiled at herself for figuring it out and decided not to press the issue and ruin his surprise. For some reason, her thoughts shot to those green eyes she locked onto just a few hours earlier. The thought bothered her.

After dinner, Jesse showered while Dina cleaned up the mess from dinner. Finally, she would get some much needed alone time with him. Jesse made his way into their room to find Dina under the covers, naked. His eyes bulged, and he didn't hesitate to jump on top of her. He wasn't a particularly considerate lover, typically forgoing foreplay to get right down to business. Lately, he had also taken to falling asleep immediately after he was done, leaving Dina high and dry. This time was no different. Thirty minutes after coming into the room, he was snoring away. Dina's thoughts changed to the sound of her new nickname, leaving those plump lips. That voice in her ear. She was capable of finishing herself off after that. It was hard to feel guilty about it when the thoughts made it all that more pleasurable. Soon she was fast asleep, curled up on her side of the bed, the space between her and Jesse, a cold empty void.

On Saturday, Jesse spent the day working out with some friends from the academy. Dina spent the day cleaning the house from top to bottom. Sure, she would rather be doing anything else, but she felt like it was the least she could do for his parents, allowing them to stay there. By the evening, she was already exhausted and had to rally the energy to get herself dolled up for dinner. She wanted tonight to be special for Jesse, but she also needed to mentally prepare for dealing with his friends. Inevitably they would take to reminding her how great Jesse was, how lucky she was to have caught him, and how weird she was. It was pretty annoying, to say the least. She wasn't sure why everyone thought she wasn't just as much of a catch, but as long as Jesse knew what he had, she could ignore it. 

A few of Jesse's friends were already at the Sushi restaurant when he and Dina arrived. As they were sitting, an unfamiliar woman came in and greeted everyone else at the table before hugging Jesse. Normally Dina would be irritated by a strange woman hugging Jesse so long, but this woman was older than her and admittedly didn't seem like much of a threat. She took a seat on the other side of Jesse. Dina leaned over her boyfriend to introduce herself since he obviously wasn't going to it. "Hi. I'm Dina, Jesse's..." Before she could finish, the woman smiled and said, "The girlfriend. Nice to meet you. I have heard A LOT about you." Dina didn't miss the odd tone or the way she squeezed her hand a little too hard. Jesse interrupted. "I work with Grace at..." He suddenly looked panicked, trapped. "We work together at the clinic." She finished for him. The whole exchange was suspect to her, but she shoved it down, reminding herself that Jesse had a secret job to buy her ring.

Dinner went ok. Dina managed to avoid too many conversations, and Jesse spent most of his time talking with Grace and his academy buddies. She felt like the third wheel, but at least no one was giving her shit for the things she liked or who she was. Her end of the table was empty and focused on Grace telling a story about how Jesse had difficulty finding a vein in a patient last week. Dina felt herself getting bored and lonely, despite being at a table full of people and laughter. Her eyes roamed the restaurant and settled on two women seated at a small table in one of the corners. They were feeding one another sashimi with one set of chopsticks and giggling. Dina recognized the look in their eyes. It was pure love and desire, and her heart couldn't help but twist at the thought that she didn't have anything even close to that.

"Earth to Dina." Jordan's loud voice broke her train of thought. "Are you going to let this guy go to Vegas with us on Friday or not?" Dina's brow furrowed in confusion. This was the first she had heard about this. The entire table was staring at her, Jesse included. "For what, babe?" She had to ask. "It's the halfway point of the academy." His answer made enough sense. She nodded, and Jordan reached across the table to high five Jesse. She had no idea how he planned to pay for it, but they would discuss later when they were alone—no sense in starting shit in front of his friends.

On the way home, Dina built up the courage to ask a drunk Jesse about the trip. "So, Vegas?" Jesse huffed. "It's not a big deal, babe. The guys just want to go for a night or two to celebrate making it to the halfway mark. It's a big deal, you know." Dina kept her eyes on the road to avoid getting angry. "Ok, but how are you paying for it?" She was trying to sound as normal as possible, but inside, her anger was spiking. "Well, you know, Grace mentioned I work with her at the clinic, right." Dina nodded. "Well, I've been working there for a few weeks, and I have money saved for Vegas already." Dina wanted to run them off the road and scream at him. Her knuckles turned white as her grip on the wheel intensified. He wasn't saving to buy her ring; he just wanted to go to Vegas with his friends. On top of it, he wasn't planning to share any of his earnings with her the way she was expected to do with him. To say she was fed up was an understatement, but her boyfriend didn't seem to notice or care. Instead, he just slurred, "You look so hot tonight. But those clothes are going to look so much better on our bedroom floor." 

Dina cringed as her thoughts floated to Ellie and how tender and considerate even their minor interactions had been. Jesse seemed to be enjoying his life, often at her expense, and she wondered if he even knew she felt like she was drowning. Maybe it was time she stood up for herself and started going after the things she wanted once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for all you Jesse fans out there. He needed to be a douche for the purpose of the story. Also, apologies for the Dina/Jesse-centric chapter. It was necessary to set the stage for more Ellie in upcoming updates.


	4. Am I underground or am I in too deep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How Dina got her groove back ; )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from When I'm Small by Phantogram

Dina's week went off without a hitch. Since the weekend, Jesse had returned to his usual schedule. Keeping him away from her most nights and in bed for a large portion of their day until Dina had to head to classes in the early evening. However, this week, Dina found herself caring less and less about his chronic absence from her day to day. Instead, Dina focused on her classes and side hustles the way she had once thrown herself into her school work. 

At school, Chris and Cat had picked up on the shift in Dina's demeanor, Chris even remarking that he liked "boss bitch" Dina much more. She hadn't bothered to tell anyone else about her changing feelings, though. That admission would have made everything all too real. On Wednesday, Dina asked Cat to go with her to the concert she had spoken about with Ellie last Friday. Cat happily accepted, and Dina was excited to go to a show. She hadn't been out to a concert in what felt like years. It was one of her favorite past times, but Jesse didn't really care for it. She wondered how many pieces of herself she had slowly given up in an effort to assimilate to her relationship.

Later that day in class, Dina noticed Ellie and Abby giggling through her lecture. After all of the doubt her weekend with Jesse had built in her, Dina found it impossible not to feel self-conscious. Maybe the two girls were laughing at her? Paranoia rose so fast in her, it almost made her gag. Luckily Manny had her back. "Miss Williams, Miss Anderson. Have something to share?" Dina watched Abby sneer in Manny's direction. Ellie just shook her head in response. 

After class, Dina went to the lounge to drop off her rosters before heading out to the parking lot. As she crossed the parking lot, she noticed Ellie, leaning against the passenger side door of her Jeep, which was now parked directly next to her truck. "I'm sorry." The auburn-haired girl blurted it out before Dina could even acknowledge her. "I wasn't trying to be a dick, just Abby was talking about something that happened at work last night, and I couldn't help it." Dina nodded once. "Ok. Thanks." She knew her tone was cold, but after the last few days, she couldn't find it in herself to give a fuck. She squeezed past the other girl and drove off before she gave away how much Ellie's actions had hurt her. 

Tonight, Dina decided to avoid taking the freeway home, allowing more time for her to get over how bad she felt. As she rolled up to the first stoplight, she glanced in the rearview and noticed the red Jeep right behind her. It was odd, but they were still really close to campus, so she dismissed it. Several blocks later, Dina noticed Ellie was still behind her. Maybe she just lives along the same route? Dina took her turn off and started into the more residential parts of Jackson. To her complete excitement, Ellie took the same turn. Dina's heart quickened. Still, she told herself the girl maybe had a good reason to go in the same direction as her.

Dina couldn't focus too much on the road as she watched with bated breath every time they passed a potential turn off. Ellie stayed behind her, passing all of the same roads Dina ignored. Finally, the familiar park near Jesse's parent's house came into view. Dina lamented that she would no longer be followed by her crush. She turned left and headed down the familiar streets into her neighborhood. As she snaked around the curve of the park, Dina noticed Ellie had turned in behind her, yet again. She almost yelled in surprise. "Please let her be stalking me!" That was all she could think as she celebrated every turn the Jeep made in sequence with her. Dina considered how silly she was to be wishing for someone to stalk her, but the sight of Jeep's headlights in her rearview were enough to make her forget how ridiculous the thoughts were. She wondered if Ellie felt the same or noticed Dina's eyes glued to the rearview. Suddenly, the Jeep cut right down a street just before Jesse's parent's house and disappeared. Maybe she was stalking her and made a quick escape before Dina pulled into the driveway? Dina rejoiced at the thought.

On Friday, Dina met Cat at a bar downtown to pregame. Jesse had left for Vegas earlier that morning, and she was looking forward to a weekend away from his bullshit. It felt better to know he wasn't even in the same state as her for some reason. Waiting for their first round, Dina felt the nervous energy build in her. "What are you so fucking tense about?" Cat was always so perceptive it was hard to hide her true feelings. "Nothing, I've just had a weird few weeks." "Oh, yea?" Dina didn't say much, hoping to drop it, but Cat wouldn't let her off the hook that easily. "This have anything to do with your crush?" Dina begged for the waitress to return with their drinks already. "Can I at least get some fucking booze in my system, Cat? Fuck." The tattooed woman laughed at her response.

A few drinks later, and Dina was spilling her guts. The only detail she left out was who her crush was. Aside from that, Dina told Cat about how this crush was affecting her relationship. "Like how did you know you were gay?" Cat rolled her eyes. "I guess there wasn't a singular moment when I was like, shit, I like girls. It was more like I always knew. Someone had to tell me it wasn't normal or whatever. I just never thought I was different until then." Dina frowned. She hoped that the story of Cat's realization could lead her to something that would help her resolve her mounting confusion with her own sexual orientation.

"But even after someone told you it wasn't normal, you keep doing it?" Cat huffed. "Dina, it's not a fucking choice. Think about it. Did you want some woman to walk into your life and upend everything you thought was so stable? To make you question everything you had been so sure of before?" She had a point; if it was a choice, who the fuck would choose something so self-destructive? "What do I do, Cat?" Dina felt desperate for answers. She craved a resolution. "Fuck, Dina. I don't know. I'm shit at relationships and love. But I guess do whatever makes you feel good." Dina looked at her pleadingly over the rim of her glass. What she really wanted to hear was Cat telling her to suck it up and fucking marry Jesse. Make the safe choice, the one that didn't result in her upending everything she had to pursue someone she barely knew. "Does being with Jesse make you feel good?" Dina breathed a heavy sigh. Answering that was far too complicated. 

After another round, the two women swayed down the street to the Pink Garter Theater. The opening act was already well into their set, and Dina was thankful they had pregamed to avoid the mob huddled around the bar. The air was hot and sticky, and Dina felt the tension swirling around her. Cat yelled over the noise, "Let's go down to the floor for a better look?" Dina smiled and let Cat take her hand to lead the way. 

It felt terrific to be among all the bodies in the heat. Dina always loved having a shared, collective experience with people, and music was such a big part of her life. She loved dancing in the crowd, alone or with others, it didn't matter. In truth, she was feeling like she found her way home. This shitty week was going to end on a high note.

The house lights came on as the opening act finished up, and the house DJ took over. Dina surveyed the crowd for anyone she knew. As her eyes swept behind them at the bar and across the tables next to it, she considered going for another drink. She decided against it as her eyes buzzed down the wall to the floor section near them. Suddenly Dina's eyes landed on two women up against the wall directly to their right. They were facing out towards the crowd, their shoulders touching as their heads angled towards one another to talk. It was Ellie...and another woman.

Dina felt like puking, and it wasn't from the alcohol. The girl next to Ellie was tall, dark-skinned with black hair and a beautiful smile. Dina thought she looked like a model. Ellie seemed stuck to her as her red lips moved with the words that left them. When she finished speaking, her lips curled over perfect teeth, and Ellie laughed shyly in response. Dina didn't need to hear their conversation to know the two were flirting. There was an unmistakable air of familiarity between them, perhaps even some sexual tension. It devastated her.

"Who are you staring at?" Dina had forgotten all about Cat's presence to her left. The tattooed woman moved around her to let her eyes settle on the two women up against the wall. Dina was caught. "Isn't that?" It was only a matter of seconds before Cat figured it all out. "Oh. OH!" Cat started laughing uncontrollably. "Fuck you, Cat." Dina turned to stomp out, and immediately Cat's hand reached out for her arm to yank her back to the dance floor and into a firm hug. It was awkward for sure since the two women had never exchanged such affection before. Still, Dina let it happen in her drunken anger. "It's ok. You want to make her jealous?" Dina pulled away to look into Cat's dark, drown eyes in question. She had to admit, it sounded like the best, worst idea ever.

Cat dragged her strategically in front of the two other women before stopping behind her to wrap her open fingers across the front of Dina's hips. She leaned her chin on the shorter woman's shoulder and whispered in her ear, "Just follow my lead." Dina leaned back into her and nodded. The two stayed in place, slightly swaying to the music as Cat whispered the plan in her ear. "Ok, turn to face me." Dina obliged, and Cat wrapped her arms around her lower back. "Now glance at them over my shoulder." Dina did. "Is she watching us?" Dina caught the green eyes fixed on her before casually glancing away and burying her head into Cat's shoulder. "Yea." She mumbled excitedly. "Good." Dina felt Cat's smile on the side of her face.

The rest of the show seemed to fly by, and Dina was thankful to feel Cat behind her, holding her hips as she moved to the music, or smiling as Dina turned to face her and recite lyrics. Of course, it was just friendly, but she was grateful she wasn't alone. Dina found herself forgetting about her jealousy. However, she couldn't bring herself to forget about Ellie watching from a few feet behind them. Dina wondered if Ellie would talk to her after the show, or would she wait and possibly bring it up in class?

The two women slipped out shortly before the encore. Dina locked eyes with the red-head on their way past. She thought she saw something painful in Ellie's face as Cat yanked her up the ramp and out into the cold air of downtown Jackson. Their gaze was only broken when she and Cat left the doorway of the venue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any guesses on who the girl with Ellie is?


	5. She knows just what it takes to make a pro blush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dina moves from watching from the sidelines to full-on flirting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Bette Davis Eyes by Kim Carnes (another song my wife plays for me on guitar)

Jesse came back from Vegas Sunday night and looked like he hadn't slept in three days. He told her very little about his trip before wandering into their bed, still in his clothes, and passing out. Dina tried not to be too irritated that he didn't even ask her how her weekend was. It did sort of suit her, though, that she didn't have to lie about what happened on Friday night. That night she fell asleep on the couch, "watching a movie." Really she fell asleep thinking about tomorrow night's class and seeing Ellie again.

Dina awoke to Jesse shaking her early in the morning. "Why did you sleep out here?" She was anxious that perhaps he sensed something was up with her. Because she felt so different already, Dina worried that everyone close to her would sense it as well. "I must have dozed off watching TV." He smiled at her weakly and headed to the bathroom to shower before he had to head out for the day. It bothered her more than she wanted to admit that he seemed so indifferent about waking up alone in their bed.

After getting ready for work, Dina found herself sitting in her truck in the driveway. She recalled last week when Ellie appeared to follow her home. Since that day, Dina hadn't taken the same route to test the theory that her crush was following her. But after Jesse's dismissive behavior this morning, Dina was feeling brave. Tonight she would avoid the freeway again and take the same route, but first, she would drive down the street Ellie turned on last Wednesday, just to check. 

After backing out of the driveway and turning left onto the street in question, Dina felt some anxious energy build in her body. She kept her eyes fixed on the road ahead, and as she rounded the curve in the street, she noticed the red Jeep parked in front of a house on her left. Dina wanted to both slow down and speed up. She was hoping no one would see her pass, but she also had to fight the urge to stare at the house. Did Ellie live there, or was it someone else's house? Maybe the gorgeous girl from the concert?

Dina found Cat and Chris chatting in the lounge when she got to work. Part of her panicked at the thought that Cat had told Chris her big secret, but that all changed when Chris greeted her. "Ooooh. You look hot in that leather jacket." She smiled at the compliment. "If we were both straight, we would make the best looking dark god and goddess babies." Dina snorted in her hand. "I'll keep that in mind if I ever want kids." Cat shot her a knowing look. She winked and gathered her rosters before heading down to the basement for class.

By week three, the real meat of classes was in full swing. Dina loved this point of the semester. She particularly enjoyed lecturing and working with students who were so excited about learning new things. Her freshman class was especially enthused with the "magic" of web development. Dina took great pride in her ability to communicate complicated technical information in an approachable manner. Sometimes she felt like teaching was her true calling in life. It made her confidence soar, despite what a nightmare her personal life was slowly turning into.

This evening's class had gone over expressly difficult information on variables and how they worked. The students all seemed pretty drained by the end of it, so she took pity on them and ended class early. Dina concentrated on shutting down her machine, and the projector as her students trickled out. 

"Good show the other night, huh?" Dina jumped in surprise at the voice behind her. That damn voice. It was criminal to sound so sexy. "Yea, I was glad he played Coffee and None Shall Pass." Her eyes were glued on the computer screen as she navigated menus to shut everything down, trying to keep her hands from shaking on the mouse. "Those are good tracks for sure." Dina felt the tension in the air, pricking her skin with goosebumps as she leaned against the edge of the desk to face her student. Ellie was rubbing the back of her neck almost nervously, and the entire scene was throwing her off as well. 

Dina's eyes watched the veins in Ellie's hands and forearms twisting under her skin. She watched her broad shoulders tense beneath the pattern of her flannel. It was impossible not to picture them without the cover of that fabric. She took note of the way the shirt fell around Ellie's torso, just loose enough to make her wonder what the expanse of skin underneath would feel like. 

Dina's eyes stopped their assault once she reached the redhead's slight hips, afraid of what would happen if she pondered what she looked like under her jeans. When her eyes met the green ones in front of her, she noticed Ellie's pupils had almost doubled in size. Ellie was staring almost shamelessly at Dina's chest, her low cut button-down no doubt revealing some of her cleavage from the taller girl's angle. Dina's hands tightened on the edge of the table to prevent her from doing something reckless. Her breathing became ragged as she tried to control herself. Ellie was most definitely checking her out.

Suddenly something in Dina broke. She walked over to the open door and kicked the doorstop holding it open out from under it. The door slowly shut as she turned around to watch Ellie's reaction. Those mesmerizing green eyes doubled in size as the redhead swallowed hard, her sinewy neck tightening under the force, cutting hard lines of muscle tucked in the collar of her shirt. How would that skin feel under her lips? Dina felt her chest flutter as a pink blush broke out over the freckled cheeks of the girl in front of her. Dina took a seat on the desk next to her bag and locked eyes with Ellie, who was awkwardly pulling on her fingers and toeing the linoleum flooring with her Vans.

"So. Who'd you go with?" She couldn't feign the fact that they both had seen one another with other people that night. Dina sensed Ellie wanted to ask if Cat was her girlfriend, and it encouraged her. The question was pretty personal, but Dina had just opened the door to that by shutting the door to her classroom. "Just a friend." Ellie didn't seem satisfied with her answer, though. "You might know her. She's a painting instructor here." Dina smiled as she watched the redhead's shoulders relax as soon as the words left her mouth. "And you?" She angled her head downward, trying to recapture Ellie's gaze. This verbal sparring was something Dina used to enjoy when she was still single. Flirting, but not blatantly. "A...friend?" Dina tilted her head. "Was that a question?" Ellie laughed once and glanced down. "No?" "Do you always answer questions with more questions?" Ellie shook her head no, a coy smile spreading across her gorgeous lips.

Dina rolled her eyes playfully and gathered her things. This entire interaction had clearly broken the once seemingly confident student. It was delicious, to say the least. Dina could live in this escalating sexual tension between them indefinitely. Who cared if she was straight and was in a long term relationship or if Ellie carried a fucking purse and clearly had another girl in her life? There was an obvious attraction, to what extent Dina couldn't be sure, but on her part, she knew it was getting stronger every day. And seeing Ellie so flustered in her presence was enough to confirm the redhead felt something too. Dina had no intention of ceasing the flirting for the foreseeable future. It made her feel more alive than she had in years.

As the two women silently left the building, Dina took note of the Washington plates on the front of Ellie's Jeep. "Are you from Washington?" She knew this was getting into more dangerous territory. Getting this personal with a student was not something she did so soon, or at all. "Naw. I lived there for a few years, but I'm from Boston originally." Dina fumbled with her keys as she made her way slowly towards her truck, Ellie's Jeep parked right next to her yet again. " I have a good friend from Boston. Went graduated from U Dub together. He went to some high school called 'Eastie,' I think." She laughed as Ellie jumped next to her. "No fucking way!? I went there too!" Dina watched the excitement build in the girl next to her. "Small world. He graduated in 2009, I think." Her eyes lit up even more. "I'm class of 2006! Maybe we crossed paths." Dina did the mental math. Ellie was three years older than her. She was relieved it was the case. Flirting with a student younger than her would have made this all the more sleazy. "Yea, maybe."

The parking lot was empty by now, leaving the two girls standing next to their vehicles talking. Dina knew she should cut off the conversation and head home before she revealed too much, but she couldn't seem to tear herself away from Ellie. "So I think we live in the same neighborhood." Dina tried to act surprised. "Really?" Ellie fished her keys from her purse, or whatever it was. "Yea, I live on Aspen. I think you're on Snow Heights, right?" Dina tried to hide her smirk. "Yea. That's crazy." She tossed her bag across the bench seat and climbed up into the tall cab of her truck. "Don't tell any more students where I live, ok?" She smiled and winked, genuinely enjoying seeing Ellie blush. "Your secret is safe with me, Teach" Dina started the truck and pulled out of the parking lot, feeling triumphant. 

After leaving the parking lot so abruptly, Dina was surprised to see the red Jeep catch up with her by the second stoplight. Ellie stayed right on her tail the whole way, blinking her high beams before she turned down her street. Part of Dina wanted to flip a bitch and follow Ellie home. Maybe they could talk more in the street, or maybe Ellie would ask her inside? Both prospects seemed dangerous. 

While Ellie hadn't said the girl she was with at the concert was her girlfriend, Dina couldn't get the tone of her response out of her head. It was apparent they weren't just friends. The thought of the redhead having someone else was breaking Dina's resolve. She had never felt jealous like this in her life. In fact, she once told Jesse if he ever cheated on her, she would "laugh in his face." It wasn't that she wouldn't care. It was more that she was so confident he would never cheat on her, or better yet, find another woman as good as her. Finding herself feeling so shaken by someone who wasn't even hers, well, that was new. 

She settled in bed, replaying their interaction over in her head. Dina became utterly aroused at the thought of what could have taken place behind the locked, closed door of her classroom. Initially, she had admonished herself for being so forward, but now in the quiet of her empty bed, she wished she had been bold enough to make more happen. It was hard not to picture Ellie's hands on her body as she closed her eyes. That voice in her ear, whispering to her, calling her "Teach." Those eyes locked on hers with blown pupils. Dina had it bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My wife likes to recall how freaked out she was when I first closed the door behind both of us one night after class. She would stay in my classroom for hours some nights, just talking as we got to know one another. Who needs dates when you have after class hangs?


	6. Just more elements to continue as we glide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dina gives Jesse an ultimatum and then enjoys a night out with friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Brown Paper Bag by Roni Size and Reprazent (one of my wife's favorite tracks to spin when she DJs)

"Babe, you home?" Dina heard Jesse's voice echoing down the hall as she toweled off her hair in the shower. It wasn't a regular occurrence for anyone to be around the house in the middle of the day, especially him. "Yea, be out in just a second." Before she could finish getting dressed, Jesse barged into the steamy bathroom. For the first time ever, Dina was irritated by his intrusion and the fact that he was seeing her naked. "What the fuck, Jesse? I said I would be right out." He just gave her a dumb smile as his eyes roamed the expanse of bare skin he clearly thought was his. "Nothing I haven't seen before." Dina huffed as she wrapped herself up in the towel once more and reached for her robe hanging from the door behind him.

"What is it anyway? Why are you home at this hour?" She knew it sounded harsh, but Dina was frustrated with Jesse's continued inconsiderate actions. "Fuck, Dina. What's your deal?" Dina felt her fists tighten and her eyes narrow. There was no way he really wanted to know the answer to this question. "Jesse, come on. I need to get ready for work." She turned her angry adrenaline into action as she brushed through her hair.

"I had kind of a fucked up day." Dina brushed harder. He had a fucked up day? She knew the expectation as a dutiful girlfriend was to ask him why and comfort him, but he hadn't so much as even asked how a single one of her days was in months. Still, to mitigate the length of this torture, Dina did what was expected. "What happened?" Jesse sighed dramatically, and Dina realized she had never noticed how needy Jesse was. For as much as people thought she was the one who relied on him, it was funny to her that, in fact, it was the opposite. 

"I failed the dummy drag this morning, and captain sent me home after I broke down." Part of Dina wanted to laugh. Get some real problems, buddy, but she did feel bad. Jesse was used to being treated like he was the best at everything all his life, being an only child and a momma's boy at that. This had to be a blow to his ego. "So, do you just retake the test again?" She started brushing her teeth vigorously to avoid talking too much. Jesse nodded. "Yea, but I need to train more. So I was thinking I could get some weights. You know a barbell and some plates to do some deadlifts or whatever?" It was sort of asked like a question, but Dina knew it was just a formality. Jesse would buy whatever he wanted, no matter what. She couldn't understand why he suddenly wanted to work out at home when he already had access to the academy gym.

Dina spat her toothpaste into the sink in disgust. Of course, he wanted something again. "Jesse. We can't afford to keep spending like this. Our flights to Houston for the concert were expensive. We're lucky your parents are paying for the hotel while we're out there. Besides, what's wrong with the academy gym?" He eyed her as she filled her mouth with mouthwash. "Well, Grace, you remember Grace?" Her skin burned. She wanted to yell, but luckily, her mouth was full, keeping her from doing anything impulsive. Instead, she nodded once. "She wants to train me, and she has a small set up at her house, but her ex-husband took the barbells and plates when they split up." 

Dina spat and smiled down into the sink. "Does Grace have a thing for you?" It was kind of amusing. Her mind was instantly replaying her warning to Jesse. "If you ever cheated on me, I would laugh in your face." He took a step back out of the bathroom. "What!? No!" Dina thought he protested a little too much. It made her laugh even more. 

"Ok, here's the deal. I'm not going to Houston this weekend. I'll get my ticket refunded, and you can use that money to buy your weights." She figured it was a win-win. Either he would say no, or he would allow her to stay home, which she wanted anyhow. "Well, what about your concert ticket?" She shrugged as she passed him in the hallway. "I'm sure someone else would go with you." She wanted to fuck with him and suggest Grace, but that would be too evil. "I guess you never wanted to go see Blake Shelton anyhow, huh?" She didn't answer. "Ok, then. Thanks, babe. You're the best." He kissed her on the cheek and rushed out the door.

Dina knew she should be more upset than she was. Instead, she started plotting what a weekend without him would afford her. Obviously, the two would need to acknowledge the growing rift between them, but he seemed not to care, and Dina was tired of caring enough for both of them. She tried many times to talk with him about his selfishness and terrible spending habits, but it was impossible to get through to him. His parents only made things worse, coddling him at every turn. In retrospect, Dina was angry with herself for giving over so much control in her life to him and his family.

The whole way to work, Dina thought about how different things would have been if she had stuck to her guns about remaining single during college. Maybe she would have taken that job in Colorado or moved somewhere else. Now she felt stuck and unsure how she would free herself from all of this.

"What the fuck is with you?" Chris didn't have a single tactful bone in his body, but Dina knew he was concerned to have asked anything at all. She took a seat next to him and started venting her frustrations. Halfway through, Cat joined them. "Then he is just like completely ok if he goes to Houston with whoever just so he can buy what he wants to work out with that woman." Repeating it out loud now finally made her upset.

"Fuck him!" Chris quipped. "I know what we all need," Cat added. Dina knew any suggestion coming from both of them meant trouble. "Let's go out this weekend. You both can stay at my place, and we can take an Uber so we can get hammered." Chris rolled his eyes. He hated clubs, really he hated people who frequented clubs, Cat being the only exception. "Chris, come on. Dina NEEDS this." Dina squinted at her. Did she really need this? "Ugh, fine. Where are we going?"

Friday night rolled around, and Dina found herself at Cat's apartment after dropping Jesse off at the airport. He had gotten Jordan to go with him to Houston, and Dina was excited to be out of his parent's house for at least the night. Cat was already pouring her a row of shots before she could even set down her bag. "Fuck Cat. Chill." The tattooed woman smirked. "Trust me, Dina, you are going want this liquor in you when we get to this club." 

Dina was admittedly nervous, so she didn't protest too much. Tonight she would go to her first gay club, the only one in Jackson. She wasn't sure why she had never gone before, but honestly, she only went to house parties before meeting Jesse. He preferred more honkytonk type venues. She hated country music but dealt with it since he refused to dance with her to anything but that. Cat had reassured that she was safe where they were going so she could dance all night without anyone judging her. 

When the three arrived at the club, Dina felt her nerves grow a little. What if someone she knew saw her? What would they think? "Ok, if anyone makes you uncomfortable, just signal Chris or me, and we'll handle it." Cat completely misread her anxiety, but she was thankful for her protective friends anyhow. The venue itself was small and surprisingly packed. Dina had never thought about how many queer people Jackson might have before this. It made her relax and realize that it wasn't as big of a deal as she was building it up to be.

After getting drinks, Cat and Dina hit the dancefloor. Chris watched from a small table along the edge of the floor. Dancing was not his thing. Cat gave Dina ample space to dance, not clinging to her, only dancing near her. Dina figured the tattooed woman had a reputation to uphold and was likely already scanning the crowd for someone to entertain her for the evening. 

After dancing for an hour, the two sweaty women went back to check on Chris. He was engaged in an oddly deep conversation with a male go-go dancer in combat boots and boxer briefs. Dina marveled at how intellectual he was on almost every occasion. She loved how people were so drawn to his brain and dark sense of humor. Clearly, this pretty boy was easily caught up in that trap. Cat had stopped to chat with some blonde woman at the edge of the dancefloor, so Dina decided to go get another drink instead of standing around awkwardly.

The bartender was a striking woman, wearing nothing but a sports bra and grey jeans. Her hair was short and quaffed back from her eyes. Dina thought she was beautiful. "I've never seen you around before?" She leaned forward to tell Dina after passing her drink across the bartop. Dina could smell cologne from where she was. "I've never been here, so that's probably why." The bartender leaned back slightly and shamelessly eyed Dina from head to toe. "Yea, I'd have remembered you. Looks like you have some other fans." She gestured her chin to point behind Dina. Turning around, Dina caught sight of Ellie standing up against a wall. Abby was next to her laughing about something Ellie had likely just said.

By the time Dina turned around, the bartender had moved on to help someone else, leaving her blushing all by herself. Dina returned to the dance floor to spot Cat and Chris talking outside on the patio. "Dina, did you see who's here?" Cat couldn't contain her excitement. Chris looked between both women, confused. "Ok, spill." Dina groaned and realized there was no way she would be able to keep Chris from figuring out her crush on the student. "Well, I guess we know for sure that she likes girls. I mean, she's here, right." Cat laughed, "I could have told you she was immediately." "Oh shit, Dina, she is staring at you." Dina blushed as Chris added. "Ugh, you are so fucking, gay."

The night flew by as Dina spent time both dancing and laughing with her friends. She noticed Ellie several times throughout the night, usually talking with Abby and nursing drinks. Dina wished the redhead would come to talk to her, but that was a dangerous idea for both of them. Lowered inhibitions and the ability to be so close on the dancefloor could lead to something she knew she wanted but was extremely destructive none the less. Towards the end of the night, Dina and Cat found themselves on the dancefloor dancing with another random group of friends. Suddenly Dina felt a tap on her shoulder. Her heart jumped, thinking it was Ellie for sure, but she was met with familiar blue eyes instead of green when she turned slowly around.

"Oh, Emily! Hi!" Fuck she tried not to look panicked. Luckily the alcohol in her system made her care far less than she should. Emily was in the academy with Jesse; she knew seeing her out like this would now get back to her boyfriend. "Hi, Dina. Never would have expected to see you here." Cat seemed to sense Dina's drunken panic and pushed through the other group of friends to stand behind Dina in solidarity. "Where's Jesse?" The blonde surveyed around the immediate area for him. "He went to Houston with Jordan to see Blake Shelton." Fuck, this was looking worse and worse.

Just then, Dina caught Ellie staggering up from behind Emily. Talk about bad fucking timing. "Hey, Teach!" Cat snorted behind her, and Emily shot around to see the redhead behind her. This was really bad. Dina waved cautiously. "Oh, Hi Ellie." She tried to sound casual. "I didn't know you came here?" The redhead was now standing next to Emily, slurring her words slightly. "That makes two of us." The blonde added under her breath. Ellie clearly heard it and turned to face Emily. "Hi! I'm Ellie. I'm Dina's student." Dina wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear. This was just getting worse and worse. 

Emily grasped Ellie's outstretched hand and shook it lightly. "I'm Emily. I'm friends with..." Before she could finish the sentence with what Dina just knew she would say, Cat interrupted. "Hi! I'm Cat. I work with Dina." Thank god for Cat. Ellie seemed oblivious to the tension swirling around the group. She smiled at Dina and drank her in with her eyes. It was clear she had some serious liquid courage running through her veins. "So, do you maybe want to dance with me, Dina?" Dina choked on her spit. Fuck she wanted to say yes immediately, but in front of Emily, that wasn't possible. "Umm, I'm sure she can't fraternize with her students, Ellie, was it?" Dina was furious that Jesse was controlling shit for her even when he was thousands of miles away. There was nothing to do but give Ellie an apologetic smile as Cat pulled Dina away. "Let's close the tab and head out? Nice to meet you, Emily."

The entire way back to Cat's, Dina couldn't get the look in Ellie's eyes out of her head. She looked so bummed when Emily denied her advance for Dina. If the redhead only knew how badly she wanted to dance with her. Chris sensed her panic. "Dina, it's fine. She won't care and if she does, fuck her. And that Emily chick, let's just poison her." The three laughed as Dina tried to convince herself it would all be ok.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gotta love being the new girl at the gay club. "Fresh meat"


	7. And I'll make you okay and drive them away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dina comforts Ellie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Between the Bars by Elliot Smith (my wife adores this song)

Dina was relieved that her after class hangout sessions with Ellie didn't seem to be affected by the incident at the club the week before. She had grown to look forward to them every week despite worrying that Emily's inevitable snitching to Jesse would result in him becoming suspicious. Still, no one appeared to notice if she came home sometimes hours later than usual. A few times, the school's janitorial staff interrupted them, and it was always awkward. After the campus was empty, being locked behind a closed door likely didn't look so innocent to anyone, but the two women had no plans to cease the meetings. 

Despite that, Ellie never stuck around after her Tuesday - Thursday class. Dina tried not to let it bother her, yet it was hard to miss that Ellie and Abby always showed up and left together. The students' interactions didn't seem to have the same vibe as what Dina saw between Ellie and the girl at the concert, but still, Dina was jealous. She let that fire burn inside her, and she used it to fuel her bravery in their private interactions behind locked doors.

Still, Dina was enjoying getting to know Ellie during those late-night conversations. They talked about everything that didn't concern their romantic lives, that is. Dina did notice Ellie trying to frame questions to find out if she was into girls, but she would always sidestep them strategically. Who knows how long that game could continue, but Dina was enjoying the chase. 

"So I played tennis in high school, but when I hurt my arm..." She gestured her chin to the massive scar atop her right forearm. "I switched to soccer." Dina was impressed but didn't want to seem so. "How did you hurt it?" "Compound fracture from bailing on my skateboard." Dina snorted into the back of her hand. Of course, this girl was a daredevil. "And you got a college scholarship off one year playing soccer?" Ellie smirked arrogantly, and it turned Dina on more than she wanted to admit. Ellie was really humble and almost shy in most cases, but sometimes she would surprise Dina. It was unbelievably hot. 

"Did you play sports in high school?" Dina looked away. "Yea, I played basketball." Ellie snorted, and Dina instantly scowled. "What!? Because I'm short, you don't think I can ball?" Ellie put her hands up in surrender. "No, not at all. Just of all the sports, you could pick." Dina rolled her eyes. "I played soccer, ran track, and played softball in middle school. But my family was a basketball family. There wasn't much of a choice." Ellie's face lit up at her response. "Softball, huh?" She could barely hide the sarcasm in her voice. "What? What's wrong with softball?" Ellie shrugged as she shouldered her stupid purse and backpack to follow Dina out the door. "Kind of gay, isn't it?" Dina turned around to make sure the door was locked as they entered the hall. "Ok, tennis!" She dodged the actual question, again avoiding any confirmation of her sexual orientation.

That night, in bed, Dina finally cracked and did some social media "stalking" on Ellie. Her accounts had lots of pictures of graffiti from Seattle, videos of concerts she had attended, and a few of her with some other girls, including Abby and the mystery girl from the concert. Her profile picture was of her in a winter jacket and beanie, arms spread open along a colorful tiled wall. She was smirking that arrogant smile Dina had swooned over hours earlier. How can someone be so fucking hot?

Dina read through all the comments on her pictures, trying to find clues on the mystery girl's identity or the nature of her relationship with Abby. After a few hours and still no clues, Dina tried Googling her. All she found were scorelines and stats from Ellie's time playing soccer at Seattle Pacific. That's when Dina realized she wanted to know her. Not just these surface level, "fun" things. She wanted to know all of her.

Midterms were due this coming week, and Dina knew the students would be busy and stressed. She hadn't expected that their late-night conversations would continue during such a critical time. Her classes had things due on Wednesday and Thursday of that week, respectively, so the first two days of the week were reserved for in-class work.

On Monday, Ellie didn't show up to class. Dina tried not to panic; it was just a workday, after all. The following day Ellie wasn't present either. That was a little stranger since the project due on Thursday was a group project. This in-class time with all their group members present was usually prime for productivity. Still, Dina tried not to worry too much. Ellie was probably just busy working on her projects.

Wednesday night, Dina was waiting patiently in her class for 8pm. She had a very strict no tardiness policy on deadline days. If you showed up late, your project received a zero. When her phone read 8pm, she cringed inwardly. Ellie was nowhere to be found. How shitty that she would have to give the girl she wanted to get to know more a zero. How would Ellie take it? As Dina heard the door click shut behind her, she felt her heart break. Surely this would be the end of their foray into whatever it was they were doing.

Each student talked about their projects, a small website for a topic or business of their choice. Dina was finding it incredibly difficult to concentrate on her other students, her mind stuck on Ellie. Maybe she would drive by her house after class to check on her? If she had a real extenuating circumstance, Ellie could appeal her grade and get granted the right to have it graded for full credit. Dina both hoped it was the case and also dreaded the thought of something being wrong with her new attraction.

After the last student finished, Dina congratulated everyone on making such an important deadline and dismissed class early. She hurriedly turned off her computer and collected her things to rush by Ellie's on her way home. She kept telling herself she was just concerned for a student, but deep down, she knew it was more.

As she shut the door behind her, she saw Ellie walking down the bright hallway towards her. The girl looked defeated in every way. Her eyes were swollen and red, her hands trembling in the pocket of her hoody. She had no backpack or damn purse with her, just herself all alone, trying not to make eye contact with Dina in front of the classroom door. Dina froze and went rigid at her appearance. 

"Ellie? Are you ok?" Dina knew she should be asking her why she missed class or, even better, why she had shown up after it was over. That was the most professional thing to do, but as soon as her eyes caught Ellie's, the redhead broke down. Dina's heart twisted in her chest.

"I'm sorry, Dina. I just fucked up. I'm working two jobs to try and pay for school, and then I just had to move to that house near yours when I broke up with my girlfriend over the summer, and I'm struggling to pay rent." She was sobbing big fat tears, and Dina wanted to wrap her arms around her and tell her everything was going to be ok. The revelation of an ex-girlfriend flashed through Dina's mind only briefly as she became solely fixated on her overwhelming desire to take care of the woman in front of her. "It's just been hard juggling all of this and school. I worked so hard on the midterm, but I just didn't have enough time with all the extra shifts at work I had to pick up to pay rent this month." At that moment, Dina had to fight the urge to ask her how much she needed. She wanted to tell the redhead that she didn't need to worry because Dina would take care of her. She wanted to take care of her. 

"Ok. Just breath, ok. Calm down." Dina reached out her hand but stopped short of making contact with her crush. "Look, you know my policy, but you can try to appeal if you want." Ellie shook her head no. "Ok, well, here's the deal. If you can manage a B or better on the rest of your projects in this class for the semester, you can pass with a C." Ellie sniffled at the back of her hand, trying to calm herself. 

"How is your group project for tomorrow?" Ellie took a deep breath along with Dina. "I think we're good." Dina smiled weakly. "Good. So you'll be ok. I have faith in you that you can make this happen. You know that, right?" Ellie nodded, her eyes brimming with tears again. 

"Sorry, I'm fucking crying at you. I don't want you to feel sorry for me or to make excuses or whatever. I just didn't want you to think I bailed." Dina leaned against the door jamb. "It's completely ok to be yourself around me, ok? I'm not judging. I had shit happen when I was in school. Just calm down and give yourself some room and grace to adjust to this new life. It sounds like you just went through a lot of change in a short period." Ellie inhaled, and the look in her eyes shifted. 

"So, are you going to be able to stay in your house? I can't let you go without knowing you aren't going to be on the streets." Ellie smiled through the tears. "Yea, my roommate's cool. She's a student here too, Abby Anderson. She might be able to cover it. If not, I can always ask my...um...Joel to help." Dina tried to ignore the odd way Ellie talked about this Joel person or that she lived with Abby fucking Anderson. "Ok. Well, thank you for trusting me with all this. Just communicate how I can help, and you know I'll do what I can." She hoped it sounded supportive but not too desperate.

They both turned to head back up the stairs when Ellie stopped her. "Wait. Umm, I still want you to look at what I did finish, and you know, give me feedback if that's cool?" Dina smiled down at Ellie from the landing between floors. "Of course."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have never had such an inappropriate urge to hug someone in my life. I also have never wanted to throw money into the mix to help what was effectively a stranger. It was a very surprising sensation, to say the least.


	8. It's just the power to charm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dina turns up the heat on her flirting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Modern Love by David Bowe

"Baby, come back." The tune was familiar, and it stopped Dina in her tracks. She had purposely parked right next to Ellie's Jeep when she saw the empty spot in the parking lot. "Excuse me?" She turned around, completely flustered. Was Ellie singing that to her? The redhead smirked and said, "Sorry, my roommate is always singing that. It was stuck in my head." "Oh? Abby calls you baby?" Dina wanted to catch her in this little white lie. Ellie shook her head, no vigorously, and frowned. It was obvious she was singing to Dina. Both women couldn't help blushing as they went their separate ways to their earlier classes.

Over the last few weeks, Ellie had gotten back on track in Dina's class. Their twice-weekly, late-night conversations behind the locked door of her classroom had continued as usual. Dina tried to keep the amount of personal information about her romantic life at a minimum, but they talked about everything else. Her childhood in New Mexico, college at the University of Wyoming, how she ended up teaching at this school, and what she wanted to do with her life were all topics she freely shared. The two also talked about art and music quite often.

At this point, Dina knew Ellie worked at a big-box grocery store, with Abby, and at a retail store in the mall. The redhead was originally from Boston, but she moved to Seattle after getting a soccer scholarship to Seattle Pacific University. She earned an Associates in Liberal Arts but stayed in Seattle after her two years of college and got a residency as a club DJ. Her then-girlfriend, now ex, convinced her to move to Jackson with her when she got offered a job as a vet tech at the local veterinary hospital. It seemed like the two had a messy breakup that wasn't really finalized, but Dina was happy that Ellie had even brought her up.

With every new fact Dina learned about Ellie, she felt more and more drawn to her. They had so much in common already, and Dina enjoyed feeling like there were people out there who appreciated her for who she really was. Things had been strange for her since moving to Wyoming for college. There weren't many people she felt any sort of connection with or who shared her same tastes. 

The only thing Dina found odd was how both women appeared to be avoiding discussing their families. "So you planning on going back to Boston for Thanksgiving break?" She figured it was an inconspicuous way to dig into that long avoided topic. Ellie leaned back in her chair. She looked slightly uncomfortable, but she latched onto Dina's eyes to answer. "Probably not. Just need to save up my money, you know. And Joel, well, I don't want to ask for him to pay for a ticket." Joel definitely seemed like a father figure, if not her actual Dad. "Abby invited me to spend it with her family this year." Dina crossed her legs in the other direction as they dangled from the desk she was sitting on. It was a nervous fidget to avoid asking who Joel really was. "Joel's brother, Tommy, and his wife live in Utah, so I have plans to spend Christmas with them this year." Dina watched her carefully. She was good at not oversharing.

"What about you? Going home to New Mexico?" Damn, Dina hadn't planned on her turning the question around back at her. She looked down at her feet, still dangling from the desk. "Nope. I haven't been back since I left after high school." "Damn. You hated it that much?" The redhead winked. Dina had made it obvious how much she loved New Mexico when talking about her childhood. Ellie was fishing for more information, and both of them knew it. Dina sucked in a deep breath through her pursed lips. "Nothing to go back to." Ellie's eyes softened, and after a few minutes, she nodded softly, almost in understanding. 

"You just planning on spending it here in the computer lab then?" Dina appreciated Ellie lightening the mood. She was always making sarcastic comments at precisely the right time. Dina snickered. "I don't think there's an oven down here, and I'm in charge of the green bean casserole, so probably not." "Damn, you can cook too? Who gets to eat some of that casserole? It's my favorite, by the way." Dina tried to stop the heat of the blush from spreading over her cheeks and chest. "We have a big deal every year at the house. Friends, family, a bunch of food. It's kind of too much, you know. I would prefer more lowkey." Ellie let her chair fall forward with a thump. "We?"

Ellie had played her cards perfectly, backing Dina into a corner regarding her relationship status. It was so sly Dina hadn't even picked up on the clues. She wagered Ellie had been honest about her ex, so perhaps she owed her the same. "My boyfriend and his family." Her heart stopped as the words exited her mouth. This could mean the end of it all, and she wouldn't have the right to even try to prevent it from happening. She couldn't bring herself to look at Ellie as a thousand terrible outcomes played out in her mind. Ellie chuckled faintly. "Well, at least I know that guy I've seen around your place isn't trying to murder you or something." Dina finally made eye contact and watched Ellie's green eyes sparkle. The redhead seemed unfazed by her admission. A breath of relief left her lips. Why had she thought Ellie would bail on her over something like that? What they appeared to be building seemed so much bigger.

As they ascended the stairs, Ellie asked, "Have any good pie recipes?" Dina stopped short of the landing and turned to look at the redhead behind her. "Excuse me?" "Well, Abby's family has a pie contest every year. Everyone bakes a pie, we all eat them and vote on who's is the best. Apparently, there's a trophy and everything." That sounded like an amazing idea, and Dina instantly wished she could attend that Thanksgiving instead. "I knew someone back home who would make a green chile apple pie. If you can get your hands on New Mexico green chile out here, I highly recommend it." Ellie took the last two steps at once and turned abruptly when she reached the exit. "I know you don't really email students for anything but school stuff, but think you can make an exception to help me win that trophy? Email me the recipe?"

Dina smirked. She had an idea, a dangerous one, but she couldn't deny that Ellie's earlier serenade emboldened her. "How about this? You handle running those user interviews for the Product Development team this Friday and Saturday, and I'll make sure you win that trophy?" Ellie eyed her from the side as they made their way towards their vehicles. "That's a lot of extra hours on campus for a pie recipe I could probably just find on Goggle, wouldn't you say?" Dina noticed the scar on her eyebrow as it shot up towards her hairline. 

All she could do was smirk back. What else could she offer to even it out? "How about some 'extra credit?'" She used air quotes to make sure the redhead knew it wasn't official, on the books extra credit. It was hard to control her heartbeat once the words left her mouth. It was early November, but Dina felt hot all over. Would Ellie get what she meant by "extra credit?" What did she even mean? Ellie's confident stride faltered as she stopped just ahead of Dina. She didn't turn around, but Dina could make out the red tint on the tips of her ears, even under the shitty yellow light illuminating the parking lot. When Dina made the snap decision to offer this deal, she hadn't considered what it would actually entail, hoping that the implication was clear. This wouldn't be affecting her grade or standing in class. She was praying Ellie didn't ask for details because Dina wasn't sure her mouth would work to form those words.

Without turning, Ellie made her way to the driver's side of her Jeep. It was darker there, and Dina couldn't make out much aside from her piercing green eyes. They narrowed in arrogant defiance. "Deal." She jumped in her Jeep and peeled out before Dina could even process what had just happened. Fuck. What to do for her "extra credit" now? Regardless, Dina was excited she would get to spend more time with Ellie all day Friday and half of Saturday due to this deal.

On Friday morning, Dina got dressed in something far more casual than what she typically wore to work. She was excited to hang out with Ellie in a more relaxed environment. Despite the fact that they wouldn't be alone, Dina didn't feel obligated to be her professional self outside of a typical class. 

She arrived first and started setting up the video equipment they would need for the day's interviews. Manny showed up, late, of course, smelling like he came straight from the bar he had likely been at all night. "Fuck I do not have the stomach for being here today." Dina rolled her eyes. How did such a man child even function enough to get this job?

An hour later, a few students trickled in, but still no sign of Ellie. Dina was disappointed, but she knew Ellie taking her up on their deal was a long shot. The redhead probably had better things to do anyway. The students started discussing who would do what when the auditorium's back door suddenly flew open to reveal Ellie in dark sunglasses, a hoody, and beanie pulled low. Next to her stood Abby, who was in sweats and looked like she hadn't brushed her hair. Maybe they were at the same bar as Manny?

The interviews went well, but Dina noticed that Ellie never removed her sunglasses and oddly seemed to be avoiding being anywhere near Dina. That was a marked change from just two nights prior. It was hard not to assume that she didn't want Abby to know about Dina for some reason. At one point, Ellie had a hard time queuing up the camera for the next interview, and Dina stepped in to help. 

"Here, let me show you how to..." Dina noticed the sweat on Ellie's neck. "It's cool. I got it. Just umm, can you maybe just like go away?" The look on Ellie's face, well, what Dina could make out under the glasses and low beanie, was confusing. The redhead seemed flustered and nervous, something Dina wasn't used to seeing in the student. Regardless, the request broke Dina's heart. She had to consider that perhaps she was romanticizing this whole thing with Ellie in her head. 

By the end of the day, Dina was ready to go home. She had dealt with seeing Ellie laugh and joke with Abby for four hours. On top of it, the redhead hadn't given her a second look and even asked to "go away." She set about packing up the equipment and then cleaned up the room. Everyone had already left, so she took her time, dragging her sad heart around as she locked up. 

Out in the hallway, Dina saw Ellie had been waiting for her. The redhead finally removed her sunglasses, and Dina locked eyes with her. "Sorry for earlier. I just was..." She was pulling at her ring finger on her left hand. "Nothing to apologize for." Dina didn't want to hear it. She started heading briskly towards the door. "Umm, ok. Well, what about that extra credit or whatever?" Dina stopped in her tracks. What the fuck was this game of whiplash? Ellie had a devious smirk on her face, and that scared eyebrow was cocked up under her beanie. She looked so fucking hot, Dina was powerless to stand firm in acting like she didn't care. "We'll see. Maybe some extra credit beers?" Ellie flushed red, and Dina rolled her eyes as she strolled out of the building, straight to her truck, and drove home. How was that for whiplash?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this now I cannot believe I actually offered "extra credit" like this. But it worked so fuck it.  
> And yes, my wife did sing Baby Come Back by Player to me when I walked in front of her. It was adorable. 
> 
> Thanks for all the love, kudos, and comments. I seriously enjoy reading them.


	9. My heart's dictionary defines you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dina finds "home"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from The Light by Common (one of the greatest hip hop love songs of all time)

Dina tried not to panic. She was unbelievably anxious. Not only had she offered to go have a drink with Ellie, but she did so after the student had acted so dismissive earlier in the day. This whole thing was a terrible idea for so many reasons. 

It was still relatively early in the day, and Dina reasoned she could potentially have a drink with Ellie this evening if she pushed for it. Despite not giving the redhead the chance to answer, Dina felt like she knew what Ellie would have said. Still, she didn't want to seem too desperate, so he decided to head home and bide her time a bit. Maybe a nap would clear her head enough to stop her from acting on this stupid idea?

As she got closer to the house, Dina noticed an unfamiliar car parked in her spot in the driveway. She hated having to park in the street in front of her own home, but her curiosity was piqued when she noticed the vanity plates on the red sports car. "MSSTLURMAN." Her eyes rolled so hard at the sight. This person clearly thought a lot of themselves. 

Once she stepped into the house, the overwhelming smell of an unfamiliar perfume assaulted her nose. Whoever this woman was, she had clearly bathed in it. Dina passed through the dining room to find Grace, Jesse's workout partner, and co-worker, seated in the living room. She was wearing tight black leggings, a cropped light hoody, and running shoes. Her hair was up in a high ponytail, and she had her makeup fully done. Aside from her workout attire, Dina thought she looked like she was ready for a night out. She watched silently from over her shoulder as the woman texted someone from her couch.

Dina strained to see the conversation on the small screen in the woman's carefully manicured hands but only made out the emojis. A few peaches and some cherries. "Hey, babe." Dina jumped at Jesse's voice behind her. Grace turned to see them both in surprise as well. "Didn't think I'd catch you here at home." Dina tried to look as inconspicuous as possible. "Just got done at school." She watched Grace's eyes comb over her as the other woman smirked. 

"You remember Grace, right?" Dina nodded at her in response. "Hi, Dina. Nice to see you again." Her voice sounded so sweet it was sickening. "What are you two up to today?" She had wanted to ask but didn't want to seem like she cared, because honestly, part of her didn't. "We're going for a run near the lake, and then I have to head to Wilson for the night." Dina forced a smile at her boyfriend. "Ok, be safe. I'm heading out for drinks later. See you tomorrow?" Jesse smiled and hugged her. "Sure, babe." He pecked her on the cheek, and Dina thought the kiss was the most awkward form of affection she had ever felt. 

Once she heard the front door shut, Dina felt like she could breathe again. The air still stunk of the other woman's perfume, but at least Dina was alone again. For a moment, she pondered the text thread she had tried to glimpse on Grace's phone and how done up she was for a workout. Dina could sense that this other woman liked Jesse more than just a work out partner or friend, but Dina couldn't really bring herself to care.

She contrasted that lack of jealousy for her actual boyfriend with what she felt when it came to Ellie. Her gorgeous ex and the weird relationship with Abby were driving Dina crazy. Her behavior today at school was upsetting as well. Maybe she could get some answers if she just could follow through with her plan? Dina was also keenly aware that this plan for "extra credit" beers with a student she just happened to have the biggest crush on was overstepping several boundaries. This could upend her entire life, professionally, personally, romantically. It could spell disaster not just for her heart but for everything in her life that was so stable at the moment. Dina rustled around in bed, trying to fall asleep and stop her racing thoughts and growing paranoia. This wasn't working. She needed advice. 

Cat picked up on the first ring. "Perfect timing. I was just about to call you to see if you wanted to grab a beer?" Cat had been having issues with a woman she was interested in. The girl was straight and had never been with another woman, although that never stopped Cat. "Ugh, yes, please. Come pick me up?" Cat sighed jokingly. "I'll be there in ten."

"I am like a walking cliche; it's pathetic." Dina is confused by the desperation in Cat's voice. She is really trying to stay focused on her friend's dilemma but her own keeps creeping into her brain. "Why?" "Because Dina, every lesbian falls for a straight woman who destroys them. I was doing so good at avoiding that, and now I'm fucked." Was that the truth? And if so, did Ellie think the same thing about Dina? "Aren't you always telling me just to let go and let shit happen?" Cat scowls with a mouth full of beer. "You have no idea how hard it is to fall for someone you can't have." Dina laughs out loud, and as soon as Cat realizes what she said, she joins in.

Dina recounted the day after the tattooed woman had finished talking about her difficulties with her latest conquest. "I don't know, Cat. I think she doesn't like me like that but then why does she stay in my classroom for hours on end just to talk to me? Why do I feel something between us? Am I making it up? Am I fucking losing it?" Cat chuckled into her beer. "Ok gay panic." Dina scowled in return. "Look, she probably likes you. I saw the way she looked at you at the club that night. But in all fairness, she knows you aren't single, maybe aren't into women, and you are her teacher, for fucks sake. She has a lot to lose too." 

Dina hadn't considered that. She had been so busy thinking about how this was upending her life that she never stopped to think about how scary it must be for Ellie. The redhead had just gotten out of a long relationship that ended badly. Not to mention, she was out here in Jackson pretty much alone, trying to make her dreams come true by working her ass off to pay her own way through art school. Losing that opportunity for a fling with a professor was clearly less than ideal.

"So what do I do?" Cat looked at her sideways and shrugged. "Something. Anything. Have those beers with her and figure it out. I mean fuck Dina, you are clearly driving yourself crazy over this, so stop stalling on it." It was true; over the last couple of weeks, all Dina could talk to Chris and Cat about was her crush. All she could think about was Ellie, and it was becoming distracting to everything else in her life.

Dina fished her phone from her pocket and searched for Ellie's Instagram profile once more. "Here goes nothing." Cat watched her with bated breath, waiting to take a drink once Dina hit send. She read out her message as she typed. "Hey. I was serious about that extra credit. Want to meet me at The Rose for beers? I'm here now." Dina's fingers moved faster than her mind. She wanted to mash send before she had a chance to overthink. "Ok, sent." Suddenly she felt lightheaded. "Fuck, what did I just do?" She chugged the rest of her beer as Cat disappeared to the bar and returned immediately with two shots. 

It was impossible not to watch her phone for Ellie's response. What if she doesn't check her social media regularly? What if she never sees the message? Or worse, what if she thinks it's creepy for Dina to be sliding into her DMs like that? Suddenly her phone vibrated, and Dina jumped to grab it as Cat left to procure more alcohol from the bar. "I'm glad you're still offering 'extra credit' after that how crazy I was today. Sorry, I was super stoned and paranoid. Anyways, I'll be there in an hour if that's cool?" Dina wanted to faint instantly. She double taps the message to like it in confirmation and then looked down at her outfit; what was she even wearing? Was she prepared enough for this, uh date, or whatever it was. Was it a date? Fuck. The panic and nerves hit with a vengeance. 

"When she gets here, I'm going to leave, ok? I'll come back and pick you up later. Just call me." Dina is in the throes of a full-blown crisis. She barely hears Cat. "Please stay for a bit, and I'll signal you when you should leave. Please don't leave me alone with her." Cat smiles. "Ok, but you owe me, Dina." 

Dina watches the front door of the bar intently. It's getting later, and the bar starts to get busy with it's usual Friday crowd. Cat had been talking at her for the last twenty minutes, but Dina hadn't really heard a word. Instead, she was planning what they would talk about once Ellie arrived at the table. "What do I say to her?" "Jesus, Dina. Just fucking be yourself and stop with the fucking gay panic." Just then, Dina watched Ellie walk into the bar, and something inside herself called out very loudly, "That is everything a woman should be. She's the one." It made her stomach flip, but she felt more at ease. As the redhead locked eyes with her and approached the table, Dina felt her heartbeat settle more and more. As Ellie greeted both women and sat across from her teachers, Dina thought, "Yea, this is right. This home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, there you have it folx. Ellie was just stoned and paranoid.  
> And yes, I did slide into her DMs. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.  
> Also, every lesbian does fall in love with at least one straight woman who decimates her. Where's the lie? ;)


	10. Tell me if you want me to

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some confessions are made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Tell Me by Groove Theory

"I like your tattoos. Been thinking about getting one to hide the scar on my arm." Cat glanced down at Ellie's scarred forearm. "Mind if I?" The redhead shook her head no and stuck her arm across the table into Cat's waiting hands. The tattooed woman thumbed the scar and twisting the forearm a bit to look closer. "Yea. I could work with it. If you decide you want to do it, just, uh, let Dina know, and I'll get you in." Dina was supremely thankful that Cat had suggested that instead of just giving Ellie her business card. Ellie's green eyes shot over to Dina and locked on to her gaze in response. "Thanks. I'll let her know."

After Cat finished her beer, she excused herself and reminded Dina to call her should she need a ride home. "Nice to meet you, Ellie. You two be good." She winked as Dina tried not to choke on her beer. And just like that, they were alone. Despite being alone so many times before, Dina couldn't help but feel this was different. Behind the locked door of the classroom, there were still boundaries. Sure the two women stretched them a little more every day, but this was proper neutral ground.

Dina swallowed hard to steady her voice in order to speak. "So. You were stoned this morning, huh?" She quickly pulled her glass up to her lips in the hopes of obscuring her inevitable blush. To her, this seemed like the most personal question she had asked Ellie. Not because she was asking her to confirm she smoked weed, but because they were discussing one of their prior interactions for the first time. In all of the weeks of increased flirting, they had never discussed any of it.

Suddenly, Ellie looks sheepish, and Dina feels a flash of concern blare in her ears. Was this a misstep? "Yea. But to be fair, I'm stoned most of the time. I just ate some cookies Abby made, and that put me over my usual. Do you..." She seems to stop herself, perhaps realizing asking your teacher if they smoke weed could be overstepping boundaries. Dina chuckles at her concern. What a delicate dance this is turning out to be for both of them. "I used to. Haven't in a while." Ellie looks away from Dina and adds, "So then you know why I freaked out when you came around to help me?" Dina grimaces. "Not really. What were you paranoid about? That I'd know you were high? Did you think I'd judge you?" Ellie takes a small sip of her beer before answering into her glass, "Something like that...and maybe other things." She throws the rest of her IPA back and stands. "Need another?"

Dina watches her at the bar, all swagger and confidence that she finds wildly sexy. It's something Dina hadn't seen in the girl during their after-class conversations. The two lock eyes as Ellie returns with a beer in each hand. "So, stout, huh?" Dina takes the beer from her outstretched arm, and her eyes lock onto the scar on her forearm up close for the first time. Their fingers brush, and Dina has to keep her hand from shooting back into her torso at the feeling. She tries to control the sudden heave of her chest. 

"Yea. It's my go-to cold-weather choice. Cider in the summer, stout in the winter." Ellie sits and dries her damp hands on her sleeves. "Quite a system. You that organized about everything?" "Hey, what can I say? I'm a woman who knows what she likes." She smiles into her glass to hide the blush working its way across her skin. Ellie's eyes go wide in response as she nervously rubs the back of her neck.

The two women spend an hour chewing over politics, pop culture, and music. Dina tries not to get frustrated that neither of them can seem to steer the conversation in a deeper direction. She was craving substance, maybe to know if Ellie really liked her and where this "game" they had been playing might be headed. But she could not muster the courage to ask straight out. 

"So..." The way she starts seems ominous. "Tell me about your boyfriend?" Dina winces; this is the complete opposite of what she wants to talk about right now. "We met when I was school. One of my roommates was dating one of his friends, so we both got kind of paired together when we would all go out. I wasn't really looking for anything serious, like was totally anti-relationship." She pauses to watch Ellie's reaction. "Damn, so you were emotionally unavailable?" One green eye winks as a crooked smile creeps over her pink lips. Dina tries not to let a dumb smile overtake her face at the gesture. 

"Fuck you. I'll have you know I just wanted to focus on other stuff. Anyways, he just stuck around and fought and fought and fought for me. I guess I finally just...gave in." Saying it out loud now, it sounds fucking horrible. Like she just fell into this relationship but never really wanted it. Luckily Ellie doesn't pry. "Hmm, I got the impression you were the one who liked to do the chasing but duly noted." It's not a lie. Dina was usually more of the aggressor and the fact that Ellie sees that in her so clearly, so soon, well, that makes her feel like she is floating.

"Your turn." Ellie tilts her head quizically at Dina. "I told you about my relationship. What about you." Ellie shrugs. "Let's see. My ex convinced me to leave my friends, my budding career as a DJ, and the place I called home for several years to move to this tiny mountain town. Then she decided she wanted to date dudes again, so yea, that went well." Dina tries not to let jealousy enter the picture. Ellie is clearly bothered and upset by how things ended. "So it's true?" Ellie sets her empty glass down and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. "What is?" "Cat says that every lesbian falls for at least one straight girl who breaks their heart." Ellie laughs, but it sounds only half-hearted. "I wouldn't say that's the case here, but I was broken-hearted that I gave up so much for shit not to work out." Dina can relate more than Ellie knows, but she still can't bring herself to say so. "Hmm, at least it led you into my classroom."

A gentle silence engulfs their table as Dina glances at the people around them. The bar is now busy, and she notices all the tables are filled. For the first time since suggesting this "deal," Dina becomes acutely aware that being seen together, alone, by the wrong people would be catastrophic. Her pulse quickens, her blood thrums in her ears, and the grip on her pint tightens. "Hey? You good?" Dina hears the concern in Ellie's voice, but she can't stop the spiral of fear she is falling down. "I should have picked someplace more lowkey, I think." The redhead looks around at the bar patrons. "We can go." She sounds both worried and sad. It makes Dina's heart twist. She never wanted to hurt this woman. "Let's finish these, and then we can go? I'll text Cat now." "Wait!" Dina jumps, her phone already in her hand. "That's dumb. You literally live down the street for me. I can drive you home." The two exchange a heated stare. Ellie looks up at Dina from under her eyelashes to show a lopsided smile. The packed bar around them narrows, and all Dina sees is the woman in front of her. She supposes that the issue with Ellie from the first day she laid eyes on her was precisely this; Dina had a hard time seeing anything else after that day.

When she stands from the table, Dina notices she is more buzzed than she wagered initially. She curses herself as she pulls on her coat. Not having her full wits about her could spell trouble. She follows Ellie out to her Jeep in the light snow that's just starting to fall. The sky is a haunting purple, and the world is quiet. Ellie moves hauntingly in front of her. Suddenly the redhead stops in front of the Jeep. "So my passenger side door is kinda fucked. You have to get in on my side. Sorry." She swings the door open for Dina and offers a hand to help the shorter woman up into the cab. Dina tries not to stumble or make it obvious how inebriated she actually was. Sliding between the front seats, Dina hits the gear shift. "Careful you don't want to..." "Fuck! That is the most enjoyable action I've had in a year." While it's the truth, Dina would never have shared anything about her sex life, or lack thereof, without all the alcohol buzzing through her body. "Oooh. Ok." Ellie sounds flustered behind her.

The drive home is quiet, and the Jeep is freezing cold. "Sorry. The heater is shit, but this is the place to be in the summer." Dina smiles as she watches the street lights splash blue and purple hues across Ellie's gorgeous profile. Dina notes the freckles dotting her neck and cheeks. The way her brows crinkle downward as she concentrates on the road ahead. Again, Dina thinks that she is precisely what a woman should look like.

The house looks dark inside, and Dina is thankful. No one was up, and she could avoid dealing with them. As much as she knows this needs to be enough, there is no way she can pull herself away from Ellie. At least not without getting more answers to the questions she has been struggling with since the redhead walked into her classroom and upended her life. "Want to come in?" Ellie turns her to face Dina. Her eyes are huge, and the red in her cheeks is apparent, even in the low light. Maybe it's just the cold or the alcohol? "Sure." Her voice is shaky, and Dina can't help but note that she feels the same.

The two women quietly make their way into the living room, the room Dina shares with Jesse just past the closed door next to where they are sitting. "So, where's your boyfriend?" Dina squirms; they are sharing the smaller of the two couches in the room. "He won't be home until early tomorrow morning. He's volunteering at the Wilson fire station." The room is dark aside from the light coming from the adjacent dining room. Ellie fidgets with her fingers again. This must be her nervous tick, one Dina finds so endearing she wants to do things to cause it to happen more frequently. 

"Are you one of those girls who have a thing for firefighters?" Dina scowls and shakes her head hard. "Not at all. In fact, I don't really like that it's what he wants to do with his life, but it's his life, you know." She adjusts herself, so she is facing Ellie a little more on the small loveseat. Ellie meets her in another heated stare, and Dina realizes how precarious of a situation she is in. Alone, buzzed, in the dark, in tight quarters with the woman she has been pining over for months. "You two don't seem to have a lot in common." Ellie's voice is almost a whisper, and her eyes never leave Dina's. "It's true. We don't." "So why are you with him?"

Dina wants to run out of the room. It is suddenly too hot and too dark and just overwhelming. Despite that, and the clear implications behind Ellie's question, Dina has her practiced answer queued in her head. It's one she has repeated both out loud and to herself over and over. "Because he is a good guy. Everyone thinks he is like a saint." Ellie slowly turns to face Dina head-on. She is so close Dina can count the freckles on her face. "Well, I need to tell you something." The alcohol on her breath hits Dina's lips, and she wants desperately to taste her. She can't help but glance away from the emerald eyes locked onto hers to watch Ellie's lips part. The world moves in slow motion, and Dina feels like she hasn't taken a breath in far too long.

"I have a huge crush on you." Dina doesn't dwell on the words enough to process them. Before she can think anything at all, her mouth opens, "The feeling is mutual." Both women blush but stay transfixed, lost in one another's eyes. It's so hard not to close that distance and touch the redhead in front of her. Dina assumes Ellie is having similar struggles as she sighs and turns away to look out into the darkened room. 

"What do we do?" Her voice is small and almost desperate. It pulls at Dina's heart. Why can't things be different? "Nothing. We don't need to do anything. We're both adults. We can just be friends. I can control myself. Can you?" It's a lie; she knows it's a lie. And by the look on Ellie's face, she knows it is also. Ellie stands and gives Dina that signature smirk that drives her wild. Her hand reaches for Dina's, and she pulls her up from the couch. "I should go. But can I have your number? Since we're friends and all." Dina smiles and recites it to her as she punches it into her phone. 

At the front door, the two women lock eyes again. Dina hopes Ellie can feel how badly she wants to kiss her. The alcohol in her body pushes her forward, and she wraps her arms around the student's torso. Ellie takes a moment but reciprocates. Dina nuzzles gently into Ellie's shoulder and inhales. She smells amazing, not like anything in particular, just like something Dina wants to smell every day for the rest of her life. Her arms feel so warm and safe. How could this ever be wrong?

The hug lingers as the two sway gently in the embrace. Anyone watching would be right to assume it is not a platonic hug. "I should go. Can I text you later?" The words are spoken in her hair, and she wants to melt right there. "Please." She whispers it up into Ellie's neck, not being quite tall enough to reach her ear without some more effort. "Night Teach." Ellie releases her, and Dina watches from the front door as she enters her Jeep and drives away. 

Ten minutes later, her phone buzzes with a notification from a new number. "Thanks for the extra credit. ;*)" Dina had never seen that emoji, but she can't help but feel like it means Ellie is flirting. "I owe you a recipe, huh?" Ellie responds immediately. "You do. How about you give it to me in person tomorrow morning before we head to school for the rest of the interviews?" If tonight were a date, getting asked on a second one so soon would be a fantastic sign. "Yes! Coffee?" Ellie sends her a thumbs-up emoji. "You looked super cute tonight in your regular clothes, by the way. Sweet dreams, Teach. ;*)" Dina sends back a blushing emoji and smiles stupidly up at the ceiling of her bedroom. There was no way she could just be friends with this girl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was almost an exact word for word recreation of our "extra credit" beers and the conversation that followed. I have never been so nervous in all my life. Thank gawd for alcohol because otherwise, I would have been a complete fucking mess.


	11. A hunter for a lonely heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie and Jesse meet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Norway by Beach House

Dina hadn't thought she was capable of falling asleep after the electricity of the previous night, so she was surprised when Jesse rolling into bed woke her. The sun was beating through the cracks in their curtains already, and feeling him next to her made her anxious to get up. Dina rolled over slowly to see Jesse facing away from her on his side of the bed. She stared at the ceiling, wishing she was waking up down the street, in someone else's room. A small sigh escaped her lips as she reached over to her nightstand for her phone. 

She was surprised to see a message from Ellie already. "I hope this isn't weird texting you this early, but I couldn't sleep and decided that I could go for some coffee whenever you wake up. Now or later or whatever?" She could practically picture the nervous twisting of Ellie's fingers she would be doing if they were in person. Dina smiled so big she thought Jesse would feel it. As she typed out, deleted, and retyped her response, she felt him stir. "Hey, babe. Why are you up so early?" It was a fair question. Dina was not a morning person by any stretch of the imagination. Still, she didn't answer right away, preferring instead to focus on her well-crafted reply to Ellie. "Well, good morning! Let me shower, and I can meet you in an hour? Where should we go?"

"Hello? Dina, I know you're awake." He doesn't turn over to confirm it with his eyes. "What, Jesse?" She is annoyed, not by anything in particular, just his presence for reminding her that she is stuck here, with him. He flips over and looks at her, confused and tired. "What's going on, Dina? What's been up with you lately?" She huffs and rises from the bed. "Nothing Jesse." "Where are you going?" Dina is pulling socks and underwear from their dresser across the room. "I'm going to meet someone for coffee." It was a conscious decision not to lie to him but not tell the whole truth at the same time. Jesse sits up, exposing his bare chest from under the covers. Dina notices some slight bruises near his collar bone but doesn't dwell on it. 

"Coffee? You? With who?" Dina isn't a coffee drinker, never has been. Whenever Jesse would drag her to a coffee shop, Dina would defiantly order a tea or any non-coffee drink. "A student." Jesse sits up higher. He has never been the jealous type, which sometimes bothered Dina if she was being honest. It was always like he didn't care if she was his or not, at least that's how it appeared to her. "Isn't that not allowed, or like frowned on?" She is already deep in their closet, looking for something to wear. "It's not a big deal. We have mutual friends anyway, and she's older than me, so we could have already known each other." She thinks about Mitch, her friend, who went to "Eastie" with Ellie in Boston. Again, her response isn't a full-on lie, just not the whole truth.

Dina passes Jesse on the way to the bathroom to shower, but he gets up and follows. "A girl?" Dina stops and turns to nod. "You know Emily told me she saw you at some gay club with some girls when I was Houston." He looks at her sideways, watching her intently. "Fuck Jesse. I can have friends, and fuck your friends for spying on me! I don't say shit when you're out in Vegas doing whatever. I can go to a club and have fun with my friends." He backs away slowly. Dina could have a fiery temper, sometimes an explosive one, but she hadn't gotten mad at him in what felt like years. "Ok, ok. Sorry, just wondering." Dina can make out the bruises clearly in the light of the open blinds from the living room. They are round and mottled. She tries not to stare.

They stand there, staring at one another, until Dina rolls her eyes to head into the bathroom. "Wait. I was thinking we could have people over to watch the fights tonight?" Dina knows what that means. A house full of Jesse's friends, drunk, loud, obnoxious, and judgemental of her. It also meant she would be paying for beer and pizza for that house full of people. He still doesn't get it; her shoulders slump in defeat. "You can invite your friends and this student, friend or whatever if you want." Of course, she fucking can. It makes her angry that he even thinks to say it like he was permitting her. But she is even more irritated that the idea of inviting them wasn't her own. For the first time in years, Dina realizes how much she has turned down the volume on herself and her needs for Jesse and his family. She knows she let it get to this point, and it's impossible not to be angry at herself for becoming exactly what she never wanted to be. "Sure, Jesse. It's BYOB, though." Dina marches straight into the shower, leaving no room for discussion.

In the shower, Dina tries to hold back the well of tears building in her eyes. Today was the first time she felt like blurting out to Jesse that she immediately wanted out of their relationship. It was a terrifying prospect that could have such explosive potential in her life. There would be a lot of change, some of it painful. Dina ponders what made the urge build up in her so quickly as she rinses her hair free of shampoo. Until today, Dina had been slowly convincing herself that her indifference with Jesse was due to realizing that she felt stuck in everything in her life. But despite that very rational and sound logic, it was hard to ignore the part her feelings for Ellie played. Glimpsing and almost tasting a life full of love and passion once more had made this whole revelation all the more sudden and disruptive. While the redhead may have been the catalyst to bring it all to the surface sooner, Dina knew she felt trapped for a long time. Like it was all forced since day one. Now she is having issues with letting it go—the familiarity and stableness of it all. On top of everything, she loves Jesse. He is truly one of her best friends, and the thought of breaking his heart is ruining her.

Ellie is waiting for her in a plush armchair next to the front entrance of the coffee shop. Dina spots her from outside and stops for a second to take in how gorgeous she is when she doesn't even know she is being watched. Being around her is all Dina craves now, a stark contrast to how she felt when Jesse climbed into their bed this morning, to say the least. The guilt was starting to weigh heavy on her. She knew she shouldn't want to be with Ellie, but it was impossible to fight it.

"Hey." She was trying not to sound down, even though it was precisely how she was feeling. "Morning! Sorry, I already got my coffee, but I was thinking about getting breakfast if you want something?" Dina's heart swelled. How could she dwell on feeling down when this gorgeous woman was near her? "Oh? I can get it. What did you want to eat?" Ellie stood and touched Dina's hand. "Nope. I asked you out, my treat." 

Watching Ellie order her breakfast and an iced tea made her realize how much she wanted more of this. Her heart sank as she grappled with what that meant for the stability in her life. It meant breaking up with Jesse, moving out, and starting over. Suddenly she heard a shrill laugh from behind the counter. Ellie was talking with the barista as she got their order together. The woman was reaching out to lightly slap at Ellie as the redhead no doubt was cracking jokes. The way the barista's fingertips linger just a little too long on Ellie's hands made Dina instantly jealous. The girl was flirting, and Ellie was doing nothing to stop it. Suddenly panic built up in Dina. She wanted more of this with Ellie, but what if Ellie didn't want anything serious? What if Dina was just a conquest? Confessing to a crush was hardly a declaration of love or a request for a relationship. 

Dina was in the process of overthinking her life when Ellie returned with their breakfast and Dina's beverage. "Here you go. You hungover or something?" Her eyes searched over Dina quizically. She must look crazy right now. "Huh? No. Just uh, a lot on my mind." Ellie nodded tentatively as she took a bite of her bagel. "Do you..." She looked out the window lazily. "Regret last night at all?" Fuck she was getting the wrong impression. "What!? No! I mean no, not at all. It was..." Dina is blushing, and words aren't forming correctly in her mouth. "I just. It complicated things, I mean not for us, just me." She wants to yank out her own hair and her sudden inability to communicate. "Sorry?" Ellie's voice sounds disappointed. "I'm not." Dina is satisfied when Ellie smiles at her with her mouth full.

"I am just having a hard time with my relationship." Suddenly she stops herself. "Fuck! I'm sorry. I guess this isn't something you likely want to hear about." Ellie shakes some crumbs from her flannel. "It's all good. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here. Friends, remember?" Her devilish smirk tells Dina she has zero intention of being just friends. It should make her want to avoid talking about her relationship since Ellie has a vested interest in Dina ending it and all. Instead, she starts spilling all of the details about how she is feeling. While Ellie leans in to listen intently. 

"You know this whole time you've been talking about it, you haven't really talked about you or how it's all affecting you. Like what would make you happy. You seem more worried about uprooting things and losing his family and hurting him than what staying in this will do to you." Ellie's words knock the air from her lungs. It is frustrating that after so little time around one another, Ellie can see her so clearly. "Just think. What would your life be like in a year if you stayed with him? Any better? How about five years?" Dina closes her eyes. She doesn't need to picture it to know the answer. It would be miserable. She would be even less of herself than she already is. Ellie watches her come to that conclusion silently. They share nothing more than a nod before Dina changes the subject.

"Enough about that. Right? We are having people over to watch the fights tonight. I don't know if that's your thing, but I'd like it if you came and uh, hung out with me? His friends kind of treat me like I'm from another planet, so I would really like to have people I like there. I mean, no pressure, Cat is probably coming too, so if you don't want to, it's cool." Ellie watches her blurt the whole thing out nervously with a lopsided grin. Her eyes are sparkling at Dina in a way that is making it hard to breathe. "Won't that be weird? Your boyfriend will be there." The grin doesn't leave her face when she asks. "Yea, I get it. I shouldn't have..." "Stop, Dina. I didn't say no. Just can I bring a friend?" She leans down to capture Dina's eyes. "Oh. Of course!" Dina knows that this likely means Abby is coming, but she can't bring herself to care. Now she has to convince Cat and maybe Chris to come also. More people means less opportunity for anyone to notice the chemistry between her and Ellie.

Convincing Cat and Chris to come over took some begging and bargaining. Dina was now committed to modeling for Chris's next set of photographs for a show he had in February, and she owed Cat some yet to be named favor. Usually, the two would do anything for her, but a house filled with testosterone and beer just didn't appeal to either one of them for some reason. The three of them were camped out on the big couch as Jesse's friends started to arrive. Every time a new person walked in, Chris had something to say.

"Ugh, he definitely has ED." Dina almost spat out her drink. "That one, she plays innocent, but I bet she went to Catholic school, so you know what that means." Cat was dying next to her, doubled over in laughter. "That one, I bet he secretly wants to buy a pair of high heels for himself but is afraid of it what it means." "Oh, my gawd Chris. Fucking stop!" Dina didn't want to appear rude to anyone coming into the house, and she knew Chris would just keep talking shit all night if she didn't stop it now. "Well, what the fuck else am I supposed to do to entertain myself?"

Dina managed to avoid talking for extended periods of time with anyone but Cat and Chris. Of course, Chris was not behaving himself, but Dina was too anxious about Ellie showing up to care. One torturous hour after most people showed up, Ellie finally arrived at the door. Jordan let her in and started with his usually snarky bullshit. "You know someone here?" Luckily Dina was in teh kitchen and heard him above all the yelling in the living room. "Jordan, this is not your house! Why are you answering the door?" She gave Ellie an apologetic glance and noticed Abby looking ready to pounce behind her. "Well, it's not yours either." He mumbled under his breath as he shuffled out of the room. This was already starting well. "Sorry. He's a dick." "No, shit!" Abby hissed from behind Ellie. The redhead turned to face her friend and likely give her a warning look. "Come in!"

Ellie made her way inside tentatively and wrapped Dina in a quick, firm hug. It was hard not to linger in the taller girl's arms, but Dina knew it was dangerous in their present company. "You remember Abby." Dina nodded, and Abby gave her a forced smile in return. She still didn't fully understand the nature of their relationship, but she didn't feel she had any room to inquire for now. "You two want a beer or something?"

In the kitchen, Jesse stopped his conversation with Emily and Nora to come up behind Dina as she pulled two beers from the fridge for her guests. He smacked her ass hard. "Hand me, one baby." Dina was equal parts taken aback and infuriated by the crude gesture. She wanted to turn and smack him. Instead, she shoved a beer in his chest and turned to see Ellie and Abby watching everything unfold with scowls. "Hi. I'm Jesse. Dina's boyfriend." He emphasized the word "boyfriend," and it made Dina's fists clench. "Oh, because pissing on her would have been too obvious?" Abby growled at him as Ellie stuck her hand out to meet his. Dina smirked at the blonde's dig. "I'm Ellie." Jesse was too busy eyeing Abby to give Ellie much attention. 

"And who are you?" Jesse shook Ellie's hand dismissively before moving forward to look closer at Abby, who in turn produced an evil grin. "Abby." Ellie and Dina watched the two size one another up. "What do you squat? Fuck!" Everyone's gaze turned abruptly to Jordan, who was practically undressing Abby with his eyes. "Um, is that like a normal greeting where you come from?" Dina reached back into the fridge and fished out three beers before pulling Ellie and Abby away and into the safety of the living room. 

"That went well." Ellie chuckled as she popped open her beer with a lighter from her pocket. Without missing a beat, she handed Dina the open beer, replacing the unopened one in her hands. It was a small gesture, but Dina wanted to faint at how considerate Ellie was. She turned to see Cat and Chris watching the entire scene with intense curiosity. "Cat, Chris, this is Ellie." Ellie waved after taking a sip of her beer. "And I think you both already know Abby." Everyone nodded. It was sort of awkward that three teachers were hanging out with two of their students in a casual setting. 

The doorbell rang again, and Dina looked around at the faces, trying to make out who was missing and late. "Oh shit! It's a party now." Dina heard Jordan yell from the front door. "Jesse, look who's here." Dina turned to look around Ellie, sitting on the couch armrest next to her, to notice Grace hugging Jesse a little too long in the front entryway. When she turned back around, she noticed Chris and Cat had seen it also. Chris's sharp eyebrow crept up his bald head, making him look more sinister than usual. Cat muttered something under her breath, and Ellie watched Dina with concern. 

"You ok?" That sexy voice barely made it's way over the yelling in the house. Dina looked up into Ellie's green eyes, softened in concern, and shrugged. "Do you all want to sit in the dining room and let them watch the fights in here?" Dina just wanted to stay away from Jesse and his shitty friends. "Fuck, Dina. You promised me sweety, shirtless men rolling around on top of one another all night. Can I see the TV from in there?" Chris always had a different set of priorities. But it made everyone on the couch laugh before they got up to move to the dining room table. 

The rest of the night, Dina kept noticing Grace taking every opportunity to touch Jesse. She would smack his arms, touch his chest or shoulder when laughing, or nudge his knee when she asked him something. Part of Dina wanted to kill this other woman for trying to do this in front of her, but every time she would feel herself start to creep over the edge into anger, Ellie would smile at her, soft, sweet, and understanding. The fire in her would cool, and her attention would return to the people she cared about at the table. Abby seemed to have made fast friends with Nora and Mel despite Jordan asking her for workout advice every couple of minutes. Cat and Ellie joked about how being a lesbian in a small town meant they all knew the same girls. Chris was obviously bored as hell with no intellectual stimulation or eye candy to distract him.

When the fights ended, Jesse's friends didn't leave, but it was clear Chris had enough. Abby also appeared ready to call it a night. The five of them walked out into the snowy night. "Thanks for inviting us." Ellie hadn't really left Dina's side all night, so really, she should be the one thanking her. "I had fun with you," Dina said quietly as Chris and Cat fought over who the Uber driver was dropping off first. Abby rolled her eyes over Ellie's shoulder. "Let's go; it's fucking freezing, and you fucking made me walk here." Ellie turned and shot Abby another warning look. "Goodnight, Teach." Dina heard Chris squeak at the nickname, but it was easy to ignore when Ellie wrapped her arms around Dina's shoulders. 

Almost immediately after her friends left, Dina started got a goodnight text from Ellie. "Night cute face. ;*)" Dina almost fainted. Ellie was blatantly flirting with her in writing. "What is that emoji?" "My vanilla face?" "What does that even mean?" "Code for I don't want you to know that it is my flirting face. Coffee tomorrow again?" How badly Dina wished she could just run out the front door and down the street to fall into Ellie's strong arms again. "It's a date!" But was it really one? Did Ellie really want it to be one?

Once the house finally cleared out, Dina found herself alone with Jesse in their room, changing for bed. "That Ellie girl seemed to be hitting it off with your friend Cat. They would make a good couple don't you think?" Dina turned to eye him. Did he know something? Was he fucking with her? She shrugged in response. "You should get those two together." This time Dina didn't even acknowledge him as she slipped into bed, hugging the edge on her side and facing the wall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This meeting was a real crazy night for me IRL. My ex was acting a damn fool and my (now) wife was stuck having to watch this shit unfold. Luckily she was a patient girl and thought I was worth it. ;)


	12. Walking in lead welded shoes, held down and powerless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The string holding Dina's relationship together finally starts to fray.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from The Great Divide by Louis Logic (My wife and I went to see him play a tiny venue several years ago and requested this song since it reminded us of one another. He dedicated it to us during his set.)

Dina woke early the next morning, anxious to leave the bed before Jesse even noticed she was gone. She crept out slowly to the shower and thoughts about another morning with Ellie. Suddenly, she heard the bathroom door open and felt the shower's warm air being pulled from over the glass door. "Up early again?" Jesse sounded half asleep still. "Yup." Dina hung her head under the water before turning the temperature down all the way to cool herself. "Can I join you?" She shut the shower off immediately. "Already done. Sorry." Her arm snaked out of the door to grab her towel before stepping out into the foggy room.

"You going somewhere this morning?" He almost sounded concerned. Dina couldn't remember the last time she heard that tone in his voice regarding anything not having to do with himself. "Yea. Coffee with Ellie." She wiped the mirror down just in time to see his face twist over her shoulder. She turned to face him, with his chest still bare in nothing but his boxers. Dina looked down to his collarbone. Those were definitely..."Do you like her or something?" Dina rolled her eyes. "Of course I do. We're friends." Jesse huffed. "You know what I mean, Dina. Do you have a crush on her?" There wasn't a lot of time to decide how she should navigate that question. Part of her wanted to deny it, not just to him but to herself as well. She could feel her carefully curated life splitting at the seams with each ticking second that passed. "Yea." 

Jesse looked at her like she had just admitted to wanting spaghetti for dinner or something. Dina had expected a fight, the end of their relationship, some jealousy, maybe even a request for her not to go. Instead, she saw him smile faintly as he nodded. "Can you bring me back a caramel macchiato?" Suddenly Dina wanted to rewind the clock and not answer truthfully. His nonreaction meant he not only didn't care, but he didn't intend to care enough to realize what it meant that his girlfriend had a crush on another woman. One that she was now spending time with. "Sure."

On her way to the coffee shop, Dina's fury grew. Admitting her feelings to Jesse had not yielded any of the hundreds of reactions she had expected in her mind, and she had thought about it a lot. On the other hand, Dina was thankful that her confession didn't spell the inevitable end of the relationship with Jesse. Her crush was not the reason why things were falling apart. She never wanted the way she felt for Ellie to be why she left Jesse. Ellie could never be a rebound or an excuse to leave him. 

On top of everything else, Jesse's words the night before about Ellie and Cat "hitting it off" were messing with her head. As she left the snowy ground into the warmth of the shop, Dina noticed Ellie at the counter talking with the same barista from the day before. What a fucking silly fool she was. Ellie likely just wanted to have fun, and Dina was here turning her life upside down prematurely, just to admit how her feelings for the redhead. 

Ellie's eyes lit up when she saw Dina standing awkwardly near the door, transfixed on the scene. When she waved, Dina knew she had to snap out of it and decide how this was all going to go. With each step towards Ellie, Dina tried to shove down her jealousy, paranoia, and confusion. Ellie reached out to grab Dina's hand, likely to pull her into a hug, but stopped when Dina didn't instantly move into her. "What's wrong?" Dina just glanced at an empty booth near the corner window. "I'm gonna grab that table, k?" Ellie's scarred eyebrow shot up as she searched Dina's face in apparent confusion. "Ok. Be right there."

Dina thumbed the leather of her precious Hamsa bracelet. This was the nervous gesture she repeated when she needed to feel the comfort she once received from her family. Ellie set down their cups and some plates with bagels in between them. "I got you the same as yesterday. Sorry. I guess I should have asked you what you wanted first. I just figured..." Dina looked up at her. Those green eyes looked so worried, much like they had that night during midterms when Ellie broke down outside her classroom. Her hand instinctively reached out to grab the larger one across from her. The redhead's eyes flitted down to Dina's thumb rubbing circles over her knuckles. Both women sighed and let out tense breaths.

"Do you know that girl?" Dina couldn't help herself. She knew better; what right did she have to ask anything about Ellie's life if she still had a boyfriend? "Who?" Ellie stayed focused on the smaller hand in her own. "The barista." Dina watched a slight smirk spread over her face. Maybe she could stop it now. There was still time to say nevermind, but some stupid part of her brain had to know. "Not really. I just come here a lot." The larger hands squeezed hers, and she wished it was enough. "I know I don't have a right to ask or care." "No, it's ok. She's just my barista. Ok?" Dina nodded, but she wanted more. She wanted Ellie to be hers. 

"Let's eat?" Dina could only nod once more. The silence was tense but not awkward. In fact, Dina felt warm and protected, as if anything she said would be received with open arms. "So Jesse asked if I liked you this morning." Ellie stopped with her bagel halfway into her mouth. Her eyes went wide, and Dina tried not to make it a bigger deal than Ellie already thought it was. "It's ok. I told him how I felt, and he just..." She sighed. "Didn't seem to care." Ellie set her bagel down and wiped her hands on her jeans under the table. "You know." Dina felt her lean into her space across the small table. "If you were mine, I would be heartbroken if you had a crush on someone else." Dina smiled and again, for what felt like the thousandth time in three days, had to fight not to close the distance and kiss Ellie. Instead, they both had to settle for a heated stare and stupid grins.

"Abby and I go to hip hop night at Burt's every Wednesday night. What're you doing Thanksgiving Eve?" The redhead sat back, breaking the urge to lock lips. Dina took a drink of her tea, "Nothing, I guess. I have to get up early to cook the next morning, but that's it." Ellie's face lit up. "Want to come out with us?" Dina returns her enthusiasm with a big smile. "Can I say maybe?" Ellie stuck her bottom lip out and scowled. "Fuck Ellie. That face isn't fair, you know that, right?" The redhead sniffled and wiped some fake tears from her eyes. "Ugh, you are infuriating." "Have you met you? Just say yes, and it'll all be over." "Fuck! Fine." Losing a disagreement never felt so good.

When Dina arrived home, she found Jesse camped out on the living room couch. "Hey." Dina didn't even want to ask why he wasn't at work or wherever he usually was. "Hey, baby. Wanna go on a date?" Dina must have looked surprised as Jesse's face twisted a bit. Was he serious after their earlier conversation in the bathroom? "Umm, ok?" She wasn't sure what else she could say. He hadn't wanted to spend time with her alone for so long she wasn't sure what was going on. Did this have to do with her confession about liking Ellie?

They found themselves at Jesse's favorite restaurant an hour later. There had been a silent car ride, but nothing was left to do once they had ordered food but talk. Dina started to panic that Jesse would bring up their relationship or her feelings for her student. Part of her wanted to have the conversation, but the other part was worried. It would mean a lot of hurt for both of them. Of course, he wouldn't just randomly invite her out without an agenda. Maybe now was the time. Nothing in the world can prepare someone for this kind of conversation.

While trying to formulate a proper strategy for the impending conversation, Dina instantly felt guilty. Here was this good guy that any girl would love to have, and she was fucking him over by falling for someone else. Not only that, but she was now planning how to break it off with him. Dina had been so frustrated with Jesse and his selfishness that she convinced herself it was nothing more than harmless flirting with Ellie. However, now, it was teetering on the edge of being more. They were going on "dates" now. They had touched, hugged, in a way that was anything but innocent. They had both confessed to liking one another, and Dina had grown wildly jealous of anyone else in the redhead's orbit. It was clear she wanted more with Ellie. Those were all things that Jesse had a right to know if he asked now. She had never felt so low as she prepared herself to grovel and beg forgiveness.

"So I was going to ask if I could use the truck tomorrow and you take the SUV to work?" For the second time in an hour, Jesse said something that confused and surprised her. "Ok? Sure." Where was this going? "Thanks, babe! You're the best." But was she? "What do you need it for?" Jesse looked away, and she noticed he looked sheepish, something that was very rare for him. "I uh..." His voice sounded shaky. What the fuck was going on? "So don't be mad." Dina instantly felt her shoulders tense. She was already mad before the rest of the truth left his mouth. "I bought a squat rack and need to pick it up to take it Grace's." 

Dina held on to her water glass to stop herself from smacking him. "Is that ok, babe?" The term of endearment made her even angrier, but the question for acceptance after the fact, that was worse. The heat in her veins was starting to boil. She rose from the table slowly and walked directly out the door and into the cold November air. Once on the sidewalk, she fished her phone from her pocket and called Chris to come to pick her up from the coffee spot a block over. 

She could feel her phone buzzing against her cheekbone as she talked to Chris. Once the call ended, she noticed several texts from Jesse asking where she went, what happened, and trying to explain himself. Dina didn't even bother to read them all before replying. "Do not follow me. You will return whatever you bought first thing tomorrow, or I will report it as a fraudulent purchase to the bank. I'm going to stay with friends for a few days. I don't want to see or talk to you during that. I need a break, Jesse."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got something good in store for you all! Stay tuned.


	13. I'm trying to change the rules you deserve something good in your life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanksgiving week is crazy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Come Over by Estelle (This song is super special to us. She sent it to me to flirt and I have never lost it so much over someone sending me a song before.)

Dina spent that night at Chris's. He had a small house just across the street from the school's campus, so she wouldn't have to worry about getting to work. Still, he only had one room, and his couch was situated in what Dina liked to call the "living room of horrors." There were rows of Baphomet sculptures with voluptuous breasts and raging erections, sharing shelves with My Little Ponies and glow in the dark statues of saints. Handmade masks of creepy clowns, werewolves, and skulls hung from the walls, not to mention the dildo collection above the fireplace. Let's just say it was not the best place to wake up in suddenly. Aside from all that, Chris preferred his alone time. Thankfully Cat offered for Dina to stay with her as long as she needed. Monday morning, Chris took Dina to Jesse's to pack some things for the week and pick up her truck.

Dina was supremely thankful that she had friends that had her back. Ellie had also stepped up, bringing her dinner that night after her fight with Jesse. It was apparent the redhead wanted to do more, but Dina was glad she didn't offer. This whole "break" needed to be about her strategizing what she was going to do with the mess that was her life currently. As much as Dina wanted to throw herself into Ellie and how good being with her felt, she needed to concentrate on figuring herself out. Still, that didn't stop the two from texting non-stop. However, they did avoid their after class hangout on Monday night since Ellie was working extra shifts at the grocery store due to the Thanksgiving rush there.

Thankfully the week would be short in terms of work for her. Everyone had from Wednesday on off for the holiday, and Dina was glad. She felt really down about everything, and it was hard to find the energy to be "on" enough to lecture or run a class. Ellie had taken note and sent her jokes, memes, and pictures to cheer up throughout the day. They hadn't seen one another, outside of class, of course, since their last coffee hang out on Sunday. Dina felt insecure about Ellie not pushing the issue, but she knew it was for the best. 

On Tuesday night, Dina had just finished a long, hot shower and was already in her sweats and tanktop for the evening when Ellie texted her. "I was thinking I could maybe see you tonight?" Dina re-read Ellie's text a few times. Of course she wanted to see the redhead more than anything. Cat had plans to take out the barista she had been "ruined" by, so Dina had planned a hot date with Netflix and a six-pack for herself. "Are you off tonight?" "Yup, and tomorrow night. Wanna go to a movie or something?" Dina instantly had a million thoughts involving her and Ellie alone in an empty theater, in the dark. "Sorry. I don't really feel like going out. I'm already in my PJs." She wanted to ask her to come watch a movie there at Cat's, but the implications of Netflix and Chill were super inappropriate at the moment. "Ok, can I come see you for a bit? No pressure, I just want to see your face, even if it's for five minutes." Dina could picture her adorable little pout, and before she could respond, Ellie sent her a selfie showing her hunch was spot on. Relenting after that was easy.

"See you tomorrow Dina. Have fuuuun!" "Yooooou toooo." The two women mocked one another as Cat left, apparently for the entire night. A short time later, Ellie knocked on the door. Dina was surprised and relieved to see Ellie had shown up in her sweats too. "Umm, are those your PJ's?" Ellie blushed in the doorway. "Not exactly. I usually sleep in far less, but it's a little cold to be topless in boxers, don't cha think?" An incredibly inappropriate picture of Ellie close to naked formed in Dina's mind almost instantly. She marveled at how turned on she was by something she had never seen, felt, or experienced. The two hadn't even kissed, and Dina was already daydreaming about third base. It was so bad, and she was so flustered, words would not form in her mouth. Ellie passed her on the way inside, smelling like heaven. Well, this was going to be impossible.

"What are we watching?" Dina wanted to ask her if it really mattered. Were they even going to actually watch a movie? Focus Dina. Nothing could happen tonight. She needed to start this thing with Ellie off on the right foot because it was worth that much. That meant breaking it off with Jesse before they crossed any lines from being just "friends." Dina talked her into a superhero movie, thinking it was the safest, non-romantic bet.

Five minutes into it, Ellie had slowly crept closer to Dina on the small couch. Their shoulders were almost touching, and the warmth was driving Dina mad. She kept repeating in her head, "This needs start right. Not now." It was like a prayer she hoped would be enough to prevent her from acting on her baser instincts. "Do you want a beer?" Ellie turned to look at her. Dina could feel her breath on her neck. Fuck, this was almost painful. She shot up from her seat to move to the fridge. "Yea, I'll have one. Thanks." Dina returned with two beers and strategically took a seat, mashed up against the couch's armrest. She reached across the extra distance she had created between her and the redhead to hand her the beer. Ellie gave her a confused look before taking the beer. 

"Do I smell or something?" Why couldn't she just make this easy? Dina turned to look at her with an exasperated sigh. Ellie met her eyes with a coy smile. They both knew why Dina couldn't and shouldn't sit closer, but Ellie wanted her to say it out loud. "No, but I do." She winked and turned her attention back to the screen. "Yea, like a pile of hot garbage." Dina huffed and hurled a pillow from next to her at the smug redhead. She had no time to react as it smacked her right on the side of the head. "Oh! It's like that, huh?" Ellie set her beer down on the end table next to her. "What? You told me I smelled like garbage. What do you expect?" Dina was already laughing. "Correction. HOT garbage." 

Suddenly Dina felt a pillow smack her on the shoulder. As she bent to set her beer down on the floor at her feet, Ellie lunged and wrapped her arms around her from behind. Dina felt her self squirm as the redhead buried her face into the soft skin where her shoulders began and inhaled deeply. Goosebumps broke out all over her body, and a deep heat pooled in her stomach, yanking her backward further into the arms, holding her tight. Ellie's breath was hot on her neck, and Dina both cursed and congratulated herself on her foresight of tying her hair up away from her neck. "Yup. A hot. Pile of. Garbage." Dina's eyes screwed shut, and she bit down hard on her bottom lip to avoid moaning. She had long given up scheming how to remove herself from this situation. Instead, her body melted into the taller girl's arms as her head fell back against Ellie's opposite shoulder. At this point, Ellie could do anything, and Dina would not have the will to stop her.

No one moved for what felt like an eternity. Ellie was the first to talk. "Are you..." Ok? Breathing? Alive? Dina was finishing the question in her head. She wasn't sure she knew the answer to any of those questions anyhow. "Comfortable?" Oh well, that was an easy one. "Yes." She could feel Ellie smile against her shoulder. The taller girl slowly turned Dina in her arms and leaned back into the couch so the two now faced the screen, and her arm was positioned over Dina's shoulders. Automatically, Dina turned her head to nestle her cheek into Ellie's chest. The whole thing felt so natural it was almost eerie. 

Hours later, Dina woke to the Netflix splash screen jumping around in the dark. Ellie was softly snoring just above her head, but they were still in the same position they had been in for hours. Dina pulled away slightly to look at her student's face closely. Her fingers couldn't help themselves but to trace the strong lines of her jaw and caress the freckles on her cheek. Dina had never watched anyone sleep, but then again, no one she had even slept next to had looked this fucking breathtaking. "Hey," Ellie mumbled without opening her eyes. "What time is it?" Dina pulled away from the warm embrace of Ellie's body to check her phone. "Too late for you to be driving home. You can stay in the spare bedroom, and I can sleep on the couch if you want?"

Ellie stood and stretched her long limbs out. "No! I'll stay on the couch." Dina snorted. "Ellie, this couch is shorter than me, and you are like six feet tall." "I am not six foot." It was cute that she was willing to be uncomfortable just for Dina. "And I'm not staying here if you sleep on the couch." She crossed her arms and gave Dina a daring look, the scarred eyebrow up in defiance. Dina knew how to shut her up. "Fine. Then we'll just share the spare bed." She turned and headed down the hallway after turning off the TV and leaving Ellie standing shocked in the dark.

Dina crawled under the covers, making sure to give Ellie more than enough room on her side. The redhead was just standing at the foot of the bed, looking absolutely terrified. "You can sleep in your usual if you want." Dina made it a point to remove her shirt as well. She used to sleep topless and had only recently stopped when things with Jesse started getting so shitty. Surely sleeping in a sports bra wasn't too risque, right? Ellie's eyes widened as she pulled her sweats down and sat quickly on the edge of the bed. "I'm leaving my shirt on, k?" Dina smirked behind her. "Well, if you get hot, I won't mind. Just keep your hands to yourself." Ellie turned quickly and noticed Dina was laughing. It appeared to relax the redhead as she wiggled her arm under Dina's pillow and around her shoulders. The two fell asleep in one another's arms, managing not to cross any more lines than they already had that night.

The next morning Dina heard Cat knock, and before she could yell not to come in, the door swung open. "Morn...oh fuck! Sorry." The two women cracked up in the bed. "Will she be pissed?" Dina shook her head. "Probably not, but she's gonna think something happened for sure. I know she'll give me shit for it since technically, I'm still not single." It was a shitty drop back down to earth after last night. "Fuck it, though. It was worth it." Ellie smiled as she threw on her sweats. After hugging Dina goodbye, she rushed out the door to get ready for work and avoid Cat.

Dina was right. Cat wasn't pissed, but she did give her a hard time about fucking around with someone when her relationship was in such limbo. "It's kinda irresponsible, Dina. What if this girl really likes you?" Dina smiled at the thought. "What if I really like her?" Cat huffed. "Fucking gonna Uhaul it already, D? Chris would be so proud about what an upstanding card-carrying lesbian you are turning out to be." "Fuck off, Cat."

Jesse texted, later on, to make sure Dina was still participating in Thanksgiving the next day. She had wanted to say no, but part of her craved this last piece of normalcy. Plus, she just wasn't ready for his family and friends to know there was anything amiss. It was just easier to finish this off and then break it off.

Ellie finally reached out around lunch. "These people are evil! I just watched two old ladies almost throw blows over cranberry sauce. Who the fuck eats that shit anyway? If I were to pick something to fight over, it would not be that!" Dina laughed out loud. Ellie could always crack her up. In fact, her sense of humor was one of the sexiest things about her. Well, at that moment at least. Her most sexy traits changed by the minute for Dina. "Stay out of the fray. Old ladies are no joke. Never get between a woman and her food." "You're cute!" "I want that in writing." "I just put it in writing cute face ;*)." Dina was walking on air at the banter between them both. Everything with Ellie felt so natural like she knew her all their lives. "Are you coming out with me tonight?" "It's a date!"

Ellie was at Cat's door by 10pm on the dot, just like she said. Dina opened the door to Ellie, looking even more gorgeous than she had the first time Dina laid eyes on her. The sight was breathtaking. "Are you two just going to stand there in silence staring at each other, or are we going out?" Cat had decided to come along too and was clearly getting impatient. "Yea. Abby's waiting in the car. You ready?" Dina nodded, still unable to produce any sounds from her dry mouth. Abby was driving her small VW hatchback, a car that Dina always thought did not match its owner. "You can have shotgun Cat." Dina blushed as Ellie opened the back door for her to climb in. She reached across the back seat to unlock Ellie's side for her. "Aww, I see you pass the 'Door Test'." Ellie winked as she slid in beside Dina. 

As the bright lights around the apartment complex gave way to the dark streets of Jackson, Dina felt Ellie's hand grasp hers on the seat. Her heart fluttered in her chest as her pulse quickened. The two held hands, secretly all the way to the club. As Abby parked illegally in a drive-up bank lane across the street, Ellie squeezed her hand and let go. Dina missed the contact immediately. 

The club was tiny, dingy, and packed. The ceiling was low, and the sweat in the air hung to everything, almost causing condensation on the front windows. The group fought through the crowd at the bar for drinks and made their way to the dance floor. The energy around them was hot and rowdy. For some reason, it was mixing with the alcohol and turning into an arousing combination. She recited her mantra one more time in her mind before starting to move to the music. "This deserves to begin on the right foot. Be patient."

Dina was excited to dance but wasn't sure Ellie was up for it, so she was completely surprised when the taller woman's hands wrapped around the front of her hip bones. Dina backed into the embrace and pressed her ass into Ellie. To her surprise, Ellie moved in perfect rhythm with her from behind. The heat in Dina's belly had returned, and now she felt it moving south. The grip on her hips tightened as she pushed further back into Ellie's crotch. Dina swore she heard a moan escape the mouth behind her, and it made the fire inside roar to life. Her hands felt listless as she reached over her head and back to wrap her fingers behind the nape of Ellie's neck. The hands on her hips moved further around and down her torso, skirting the zipper of her jeans. 

The two bodies continued to move as one, and Dina felt something in her snap. She turned her head abruptly and pulled one hand from behind Ellie's neck to palm her cheek. Ellie looked down at her in confusion. Before either could do anything, Dina closed the distance and finally met Ellie's lips. The world stopped, the music swirled around them like the faceless sweaty bodies flanking them. The kiss was soft and sweet but wildly sensual. Dina had never felt anything like it in her life. She could feel Ellie trying to catch her breath through her nose, but neither made a play to move away. Ellie swiped her tongue lightly on Dina's bottom lip before biting gently. Dina's mouth opened to deepen the kiss instantly. She wanted to turn to face Ellie and kiss her properly, but she didn't dare move. As they finally stopped to breathe, Dina turned back around to continue dancing and hopefully conceal her arousal. "Wow," was all she heard whispered in her hair from behind. At that moment, Dina knew she just had her very last, first kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! I had to post this tonight since it was on Thanksgiving Eve that this all happened IRL. Thanksgiving is special to us because of this and also because she asked me to marry her on Thanksgiving day. 
> 
> I may not post another chapter tomorrow so I can hang with you know who ;)
> 
> I hope you all have a wonderful day filled with love. Happy Thanksgiving!
> 
> PS. RIP to Burt's Tiki Lounge in Albuquerque, the site of our first kiss on this night so many years ago. That shitty dive bar was the perfect place to kiss my future wife for the first time. Tribe Called Quest was playing and I can't think of anything more perfect for us!


	14. We knew from the start that things fall apart, intentions shatter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fallout from the kiss that shook Dina's world to the core.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from You Got Me by the Roots

The car ride home was hazy. The streetlights shot from the windows like strobes, illuminating the gorgeous green eyes starring at her from the dark. Their hands were grasped tightly in one another's, fingers intertwined. The two had exchanged very few words after the kiss but knowing smiles were plenty. Dina was conflicted. 

She knew she wanted to kiss Ellie again. This time from head-on, maybe in the relative privacy of Abby's back seat. At the same time, she was aware that a line had just been crossed—a big one. Dina was still in a relationship, and Ellie was still her student. It was impossible not to wonder what the redhead sitting so close to her was thinking about all of this.

It was almost as if Ellie noticed her internal conflict. The taller woman leaned into her to plant a soft kiss on the crown of her head before melting into her shoulder. Dina instantly forgot what she was so bothered with mere seconds prior. "Do you want to stay with me tonight?" Every part of Dina's body ignited. She closed her eyes and breathed into the auburn hair hiding her face from view. She could feel the words in her chest; they were formed in a resounding "yes," but she knew crossing any more lines at this time was wrong. Giving in to her impulses once this evening would need to be enough. "I can't." She felt Ellie sigh on her cheek. A tinge of panic ran over her skin, but then Ellie nodded softly and rested her forehead on Dina's shoulder in quiet acceptance. 

Back in front of Cat's apartment, Dina hugged Ellie in the back seat. Her arms wrapped securely around those sturdy shoulders to prevent Ellie from trying to create space enough for another kiss. Dina wanted it to happen again so badly, but she knew the first time was a mistake, better not to repeat it. "Good night." She whispered it into Ellie's neck, grazing her lips over the skin there. Ellie shivered under her. "Get out of here before I don't let you leave." Dina pulled herself away, feeling even colder than she would have had she not missed Ellie's embrace so much.

Cat waited for her at the door before unlocking it. "So?" Dina blushed immediately as her eyes watched Ellie jump in the front seat from behind the driver's side. She waved from the window, and Abby left the parking lot. Dina entered the apartment and sighed. "I kissed her." Cat turned to look at her with a slight scowl on her face. "Dina." "I know. I already know Cat."

That night Dina tossed and turned with nightmares of this whole thing returning to bite her in the ass. Her brain honed in on the millions of things that could go wrong, and each cycle ended with her waking in a fit before silently forcing herself back to sleep again. By the time her phone buzzed at 6am, she was exhausted. Far too exhausted to deal with the incoming message from Jesse. "Can we talk before everyone gets here?"

She had been putting off this talk for a few days now, and since today she had planned to go about things as if almost nothing had changed; perhaps he was right. It was time to have some sort of talk. "I'll come by early before I need to start cooking." Dina groaned as she stretched. Her mind instantly flooded with pleasant memories of kissing Ellie just the night before. 

Her fingers typed out the message quickly. "Can I see you today?" She knew it was a bad idea, but it felt impossible to fight the magnetic pull towards the redhead after last night. Besides, she would just be down the street. "Well, look at you up so early. Rough night ;*)?" Dina smirked at the prompt response. Ellie must have had her ringer on in anticipation of Dina reaching out. 

"Something like that. So are you ready to make your pie? Need any help?" Ellie still hadn't answered her first question, but Dina wanted to double down anyhow. No sense in trying to play coy, not anymore. "I don't know how to roast these chilies. Maybe you could come give me some pointers?" Dina chuckled at her phone. Sure she could just send her a YouTube link or Google something for her, but stopping by had been her main goal all along. "First of all, it's chilE, with an E. Chili with an I is what they eat in Texas." "Oh well, that explains it because I was confused when you said green CHILE apple pie. I couldn't see how beef and beans went with cinnamon and apples. Joel is from Texas, so I thought all chili was the same. My bad." Dina snorted. "You are forgiven. What time do you need me?" Her smirk grew as she hit send. "Umm, now, all day, always..." Dina's heart fluttered in her chest; she forgot all about the millions of reasons her sleep had been so nightmare fueled and restless. "You're cute. Seriously what time?" "Noon?"

Dina showered at Cat's, trying to mentally prepare herself for the conversation with Jesse. She told herself that once she broke it off, she would cook her dish. While it was in the oven, she would have enough time to slip away down the street to "help" Ellie and avoid all of their friends and family's arrival. Then she could slip back in with the crowd, have dinner, and pack some more things before leaving once more. It seemed like a solid plan, but her anxiety kept telling her the first part was going to be painful.

Walking into the house, Dina felt the heat from the oven and could smell the turkey already cooking. Robin had been busy since the day before, she was sure. A sudden heat of panic rushed over her as she realized she wasn't sure how Jesse's parents would act around her. Her days-long absence had to have been hard to miss, and who knew what Jesse had told them. Thankfully Robin nodded in her direction with a faint smile as she shut the door behind her.

Jesse was parked on the living room couch, flipping through channels. He was in his workout clothes, likely having just completed a session or preparing for one. Dina was hopeful it was the latter, so their conversation could end with some much-needed space away from one another. 

"Jesse?" She steeled her nerves. He turned to look at her over his shoulder. His eyes looked soft and sweet, the same they looked when they first met. There was a slump in his shoulders she hadn't ever seen—an unmistakable heaviness in his posture. "Dina." Her name felt like a plead from his lips, and the whole scene was throwing her off. She had hoped he would be his typical selfish, arrogant self but this left her entirely exposed. There was no plan in her mind for how to handle him like this.

"Can I go first?" Dina nodded the air from her lungs, and the words she had planned wholly lost. "I took the squat rack back like you asked." Dina's face scrunched; she couldn't help it. Did he really think this whole thing was about just one purchase? "I'm sorry I bought it without you knowing." The way he worded the apology was infuriating. Not only did he still not get it, but he thought she was angry because she didn't know. Dina couldn't believe he hadn't put two and two together. "I love you." He looked hopefully at her across the space between the two couches they occupied.

Dina wrung her hands on her lap. She knew he was sorry, but for the entirely wrong thing. "Jesse. I'm not mad that you bought one thing. Or anything at all, for that matter. " He looked confused. "I keep trying to make you understand. I'm frustrated. You don't listen to me. You don't consider me. I'm just here, like some accessory to your life. Part of the pretty package you want to present to people." Dina inhales sharply at the thought that she had maybe said too much too fast. Jesse is gawking down at the TV remote in his hands, running his fingers mindlessly over the rubber buttons.

"You think you're what? Like a trophy or something?" Dina didn't think that was precisely it, but at least it was close enough to the truth. She nodded. "I think I don't have any room to be me. To make decisions." "That's not true!" He shoots up from his seat to make his way quickly to her side. Dina huffs, his retort cutting her off and proving her point exactly. Jesse fumbles for her hands in her lap and stares into her eyes. "Please, Dina. Let me try to fix it." She watches him fight with the thought of losing something that wasn't his idea to let go. Her hands reflexively pull away. "Jesse, you don't get it, and that's the problem." 

He reaches out and grabs her by the shoulders, almost violently to face him, now sitting next to her. "Just give me a week. I swear. Please?" Dina is tired. This conversation has been a few moments only, but this argument had been going on between them for years. Her despairing more and more every day at the disappearing pieces of herself and him, fighting to gain more control. Still, Dina wonders if she owes him one more chance. Guilt builds in her as she remembers the lips she kissed just the night before. It swirls in her blood as she thinks about how much she had been pushing him away since meeting Ellie. Maybe without that distraction, he really could change. Perhaps she was the one in the wrong here after she had already cheated, right?

Dina doesn't say no or yes. She hugs him gently, regretting every moment. "I need to start cooking." He looks at her in the eyes as she rises to leave to the kitchen. "Are we good?" The thoughts of all the aspects of their individual lives that are now so tangled and intertwined flood over her. Her sense of family, friends, security, and a clear future, not to mention the number of financial entanglements they share, run through her head. Worst of all, she had lost enough of herself in their long relationship that she wasn't even sure who she would be without him. How do you even begin to undo that kind of history? She is utterly petrified. What had seemed so clear just an hour before now sounds like jumping off a cliff into rough, rocky waters. "No. But I can let you try." 

The weight of their conversation hangs over her food prep. She keeps having thoughts of running out the front door and never speaking to anyone in her life again. Maybe she could leave Jackson and just start over. The clock was her enemy, ticking ever closer to noon and her impending meet up with Ellie. Her heart was breaking as she thought about having to give this a fair shot. Keeping her word to Jesse became important, likely due to her guilt at having cheated. 

At noon Dina slipped out the front door and walked down the street to Aspen. At the top of Ellie's street, she contemplated texting her and telling her she couldn't come. But she had already chickened out on one thing she set her mind to today. Doing it again would make her feel even lower. 

Ellie threw open the door quickly. Her shirt and sweats were covered in flour, and her cheeks were flush with sweat from the heat of the kitchen. Why did she have to look so amazing? Dina wanted to run away again. Disappear into the wilds of Wyoming and live alone, away from all of this. "Hey!" Dina smiled weakly from the doorstep as Ellie moved to let her in. It was sad that her first time in Ellie's house was about to be her last.

"You ok?" Dina stopped in her tracks. "No. But let's roast these chile's and then we can talk?" Ellie moved in front to lead her into the kitchen. Before turning to search Dina's face hurriedly. "Ok?" The redhead sounded like someone had just punched her in the gut. It made Dina want to apologize immediately.

"You just need to roast them over an open flame until the skin turns black in spots. You have a gas range?" Ellie shook her head no. "What about a grill?" Ellie smiled and pointed to the window over the sink. "Ok, should we get it going?" "Sure," the redhead shrugged as they left the kitchen to make their way outside. 

The grill was smoking with the chile's charring. The smell brought back a thousand memories of Dina's childhood. Happier times when she still knew herself and her place in the world was much clearer. Those memories of sitting peeling chile in the kitchen with her mom and sister, hearing her dad's mariachi music pouring from the living room record player. The things she had fretted over in her youth seemed so fucking silly compared to the anxieties she was facing now.

Ellie watched her as Dina tried to pull herself from the hole she was falling into. "So do you wanna maybe, like, talk about it or whatever?" Dina noticed Ellie twisting her fingers again, and it made teh tears build in her eyes. She clamped them shut to prevent them from falling down her cheeks.

"I shouldn't have done that last night." Dina was afraid if she looked up, she would lose her nerve. "I'm sorry. I really wanted it. I really wanted..." The pause was enough to feel Ellie's gaze boring into her head. "I really want you, but I can't. I'm still in a relationship, and it's not fair to anyone." Now she looked up to see Ellie's pained look. Her green eyes were soft and filled with hurt. Dina hated herself. Here she was tearing apart two incredible people with her base selfishness. 

"I understand." But did she really? "What now?" Dina wanted to tell her how she really felt. How terrified she was to let go of what had become so familiar and safe. How she was crippled by her guilt at having never loved Jesse the way he deserved. How she was paralyzed at the thought of never having Ellie the way she wanted. How she was afraid, she was unlovable because she no longer knew herself. 

"I need to figure this out on my own. I don't want this relationship to end based on how I feel about anyone else but myself. I won't ask you to wait while I do that." She wants to add a "but" so badly the word burns on her tongue. The sensation makes the tears fall in steady streams down her cheeks. It's hard not to hate herself for lacking the courage to do what she knows she should. Everyone involved deserves better than what she has put them into. 

"I'm sorry. I'm so fucked. You deserve..." Before she can finish, Ellie is in front of her, pulling her into her arms. Her strong hands rub circles over Dina's shoulder blades. What did she ever do to deserve someone like this in her life? "You are not fucked. You do what you need." She stops short of reassuring Dina that she will wait, but it's enough that Dina feels better. "Just give me some time?" Ellie nods against Dina's ear. 

After roasting, sweating, and peeling the chile's together, Dina lets Ellie know she needs to go. She was hoping to leave without much fanfare, but of course, like everything with the redhead, it's not that easy. Ellie meets her at the front door, stopping her abrupt exit to hug her once more. Dina tries to memorize her smell, the way her hair feels brushing against her forehead, the way the freckles on her neck look from so close up. The hug is tight but loose enough that Dina feels like she could slip away at any moment, leaving Ellie's arms still formed in the shape that held her body. She breathes out heavy on Ellie's neck, and the redhead shivers in her arms. "Go before I keep you here. You know where to find me teach."

By the time Dina makes it back up the street to the house, the driveway and surrounding street are filled with cars. She stops on the corner to look at the home ahead. In that house was everything she knew for so many years. It was safe, comfortable, predictable. She had things she didn't think she would have again after losing her family. All of that waited for her behind that door. Dina turns to look back down the street where she just came from. Just down the block is everything she wanted. It was wild, free, and unpredictable, but came with baggage, unfamiliar baggage, and that terrified Dina. She sighed and made her way to the front porch. 

Inside, she could hear the laughter and conversations of all the people. The house smelled amazing, and it was so warm compared to her sad walk in the snow. Dina was thankful for the comfort of this place, particularly now. It eased the sting of having left behind what she ardently knew was better for her. 

Suddenly, the doorbell rang behind her as she hung her jacket in the closet nearby. Dina swung the door open and was met by an assault of perfume and Grace, standing on the porch in a ridiculously opulent cocktail dress. She had two bottles of wine in her hands, and Dina could tell she was freezing, having forgone the practicality of a jacket to show off her strapless ensemble. 

"Oh. Dina?" She sounded surprised to see Dina in her own doorway. "Grace." Her sidestep behind the door allowed the taller woman entrance. "Heeeeey!" Jesse billowed from the living room. Dina knew it wasn't directed her from the tone. She admonished herself for thinking anything could be different before kicking the door closed with her foot. 

No one talked to her throughout dinner or the rest of the evening. As welcoming as the house had felt when she first entered, she realized it wasn't for her. She was a stranger, an outsider in her own home. 

As usual, everyone overstayed their welcome, and Dina set about cleaning the mess left on the table and kitchen. When Jesse noticed her alone in the kitchen doing the dishes, he rushed up behind her. "Leave 'em. My mom will handle it." Dina rolled her eyes down to the sink full of suds. Of course, he would say something like that instead of just offering to do them himself. He planted a quick kiss on the nape of her neck before returning to the company of his friends in the living room.

In that very moment, hot water and food scraps engulfing her hands, Dina began to conceive a plan. She knew that if she broke up with him now, she would be forced to leave immediately. Her things would be thrown out, and her money in savings would be claimed by Jesse. The credit cards they had would be run up without any regard, and the car payments would still fall on her lap. This needed to be smart.

That night, Jesse heads back to the Wilson station, Grace at his heels. Dina pretends everything is fine, regardless of their last conversation. She packs another bag filled with clothes and important items she does not want to lose. It would be easy to slowly sneak these things out of the house to Cat's or Chris's so that no one would catch on to her plan before she was ready. It pains her to leave her mother's Menorah in the closet Robin had tucked it away in after her first Hannakauh there. Dina figured its absence would make everything too obvious. 

With three days until her 25th birthday, Dina knew she had little time to prepare to end this before that day. Still, that was her target, and she would began taking steps to make it happen immediately. Before leaving the house, she transferred her savings and anything leftover in checking after what would be needed to pay bills into her personal high yield savings account she had set up last year. This money was hers, and she would need it to ensure she could put a down payment on a place to call her own. The home hunt would begin this evening at Cat's. She had convinced Jesse she needed one more night there to pack up her things.

On her way back to the apartment, Dina thought about calling Ellie and telling her the plan. It would be a good way to let her know she had every intention of leaving Jesse. But she stopped, realizing that it was just a way to manipulate the student into waiting for her. Dina didn't want to force anything with Ellie. Everything had happened so organically thus far; this should be the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the absence. I wanted some extra time to hang out with my wife over Thanksgiving and my birthday. I'm back and will be updating daily again.  
> I am also working on the last of my previous fic. If you haven't checked that one out, please give it a shot.   
> Hope everyone had a great holiday.
> 
> Oh and "All green chile everything!" (RIP Wake Self)


	15. Cold comfort for change? Did you exchange

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dina and Jesse finally confront some truths

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd (my wife played this for me last night in fact)

It was hard not to text Ellie over the weekend. A million thoughts about what she might be up to plagued Dina. She wondered if she was just going about her life as usual, or was the hole in her chest the size of Dina's? Dina knew that although the redhead had confessed to liking her and the two had exchanged a kiss, it was hardly a promise. Nothing was set in stone.

Dina rushed to find a place to live over the weekend. So far, she hadn't had much luck. Jackson didn't have many options, and the nicer places with immediate move-in options were crazy expensive. Although this was a means to an end, Dina wanted to feel good about striking out on her own. Everything about this split needed to feel like a step up to her, if only for her mental health.

She returned to Jesse's parents' house late Friday evening but didn't bring much of her stuff back with her. Jesse wasn't around to notice, and his parents hadn't paid much attention to her. It was apparent they knew something about Dina's absence over the past couple of nights. Aside from that, everything seemed back to normal in her life. It was drab and even more depressing than it had been before this whole thing begun. 

Spending time away from the house over the weekend was an excellent way to keep her mind off what felt like a prison. She kept trying to remind herself that it was just temporary. On Friday night, she went over to Chris's to watch Paris is Burning...again. He loved making her watch that movie.

"Are you going to spill, or do I have to fucking drag it out of you?" Dina rolled her eyes. She knew she would have to share everything that had gone on with him at some point. Still, part of her was worried that it would change his opinion of her. What she had done was selfish and horrible, and now she was paying the price for it. The thought of hearing it from someone else would just drag her down further.

"I kissed her the other night at Burt's." "Gross." Dina smiled; she knew he was just being an ass. "And then?" All she could offer was a shrug. "You mean haven't already moved in with her? I read this article about lesbian sex. Apparently, women think sex can be anything from a touch to a look. I think it's bullshit, but did you two eye fuck or whatever!?" She flung a pillow across the couch towards his wingback chair he was coiled in. He gave her his signature mischievous sneer in return.

"What about Jesse?" The mood shifted immediately. She fumbled with the drawstrings of her hoodie nervously as she braced for his inevitable criticism. For all of his joking and teasing, he had a robust set of convictions and held those he loved to them as well. "I tried to break it off..." He sat forward, putting his bare feet with black painted toenails on the wood floor. "Tried? Dina, come on. Just fucking end it. Do you love him?" Dina knew it was a rhetorical question. 

"I do care about him, Chris. I don't want to break his heart." Chris sighed in frustration. "Because you cheating on him with a woman won't do that enough?" His harsh words stabbed her straight in the heart. Throughout this whole thing with Ellie, Dina had continued to lie to herself that this was all harmless flirting, but deep down, she knew from the first day that she craved more. Despite how hard she wanted it not to be the truth, every fiber of her being told her Ellie was what she needed. Immediately Dina wanted to yell out all her excuses. She could overtake him with reasons why she had convinced herself that her recent actions had been justified, but she knew Chris wouldn't buy it. He was making her take her medicine.

"I'm afraid, Chris." It was the most real thing she had said out loud in a long time. She was worried he would give her shit about being scared when she was the one doing the heartbreaking here, but he surprised her and leaned forward in his chair. "Coming out is scary—everything changes in that instant. But you have to do it, or you'll never be free to be you. Your thing with Jesse was just postponing it." She was sniffling away the tears, trying to swallow them back. 

"I'm going to end it and come out or whatever. I just want to wait until my birthday. I mean fuck Chris, I just want one more birthday surrounded by certainty." He gave her a deadpan look. "Seriously?" "Chris, I need to fucking find someplace to go. You know he will tell his parents and friends, and I'll have nowhere to live." "Stop, Dina! That's just another bullshit excuse." By now, she was sobbing. Chris rose and made his way next to her. He wasn't a physical person; in fact, she had never seen him touch another person aside from a handshake. He tentatively wrapped his arm across her shoulder. It was almost comical how awkward it was for both of them. "Fucking making me hug you. Goddamn lesbians with all your feelings." Dina couldn't help but laugh.

On her way home late that evening, Dina thought about what Chris said. She made a detour to drive past Ellie and Abby's. There were a few lights on in some interior rooms, and Dina wondered which was Ellie. Would the redhead be up thinking about her? Maybe she had company? Perhaps some other woman without so much baggage came around to help her forget this short tryst with her professor. Dina could feel her slipping through her fingers as she turned around at the top of the street to head back home.

On Monday, Dina called into work for the week. She didn't give much of an excuse, just that she had family issues to attend to. Luckily she had arranged with Chris, Cat, Paul, and Manny to sub for her during the week. Part of her necessity for the time off was to handle the logistics of securing a new place to live. The other was more selfish and unprofessional. She couldn't handle seeing Ellie. If the redhead was fine, Dina would be crushed that she didn't feel as horrible as she did. On the other hand, if she was upset, Dina thought that might be worse. 

Still, on Monday night Dina stayed glued to her phone screen in anticipation of a message from her student. Despite having asked for time, she hoped the redhead would defy her request and check on her once she noticed she was missing from class. No messages ever came.

Dina's birthday was the next day, and she was depressed to be spending it in such a state of limbo. Birthdays had always been hard for her since losing her family, but having Jesse and his family and friends to occupy her made them bearable again. This year Jesse hadn't mentioned any plans or the usual dinner. Robin hadn't asked her what kind of cake she wanted either. It was obvious she would not get the reprieve of one last "normal" birthday.

Tuesday morning Dina was woken by Jesse sitting on the foot of their bed. He had a tea and a bag from her favorite breakfast place in his hands. "I hope you don't mind. I bought you breakfast." She smiled weakly at him. Their communication had only worsened since he begged her for another chance on Thanksgiving morning. It seemed obvious he was just expecting Dina to fall back into the pattern they had before, and when she didn't, he didn't protest or try to change anything.

"Jesse, we should talk." Dina was surprised at the words leaving her mouth. Now was not the time; her plan wasn't complete. No part of her felt ready, and yet her brain spat out the start of it all before she could stop it. He didn't say a word, instead just handing her the cold tea and bag. She sat up and considered starting a fake conversation about something trivial instead. But her stubborn brain went blank, and she felt wholly transfixed on the words begging to leave her mouth.

"I am not in love with you." Her face fought to prevent a wince. His eyes softened. "You are just telling me this now?" Her heart stung. He had a point; she was a terrible bitch. Still, she powered through, trying to be as straightforward as possible, her emotions being kept at bay for his sake. "It isn't fair to either of us to keep this going. I care about you, and you know I am thankful for you and your family, but it's...it's not enough. I wish it was, but it's not." His eyes changed in an instant.

"Don't fucking do this, Dina! Please." She hadn't expected him to beg, but that was what his reaction felt like. "Jesse, don't make this harder. I never wanted to hurt you." Jesse is trembling at the foot of the bed. His face is turning red, and Dina is afraid he might start crying. She is fighting harder to keep herself from breaking down. "Why are you doing this?" Her hand instinctively reaches out to touch his trembling arm. "I need to be me and be true to myself, Jesse, and you deserve more than what I can give you. He turns to her, and instead of tears, his eyes narrow in anger.

"Does this have to do with your little crush on that student?" Dina had expected some anger. She had even tried to prepare to avoid this, turning into a hateful yelling match. Her intention was not to tell him all the reasons why he had been a horrible partner—no sense in hurting him even more than she already would be by breaking up with him. Anger was always an easy emotion for her, easier than feeling everything so raw inside her, all the hurt and loss she had experience bubbling right on the surface. But in this case, Jesse was going to make it difficult to hold to her plan of being amicable and keeping this about the facts.

"This has nothing to do with anyone else but you and I. Ok?" He stood and paced at the foot of the bed. "Your thing with her. Is it just because she fulfills something I'm not, or is it something more?" The question knocks the air from her lungs. She had never considered that, but the answer is so clear immediately. Still, she fights to keep this centered on the facts. "Jesse, I told you, this has nothing to do with anyone else..." "Because that's all it was with Grace." Her eyes go wide. What? Did he just? The anger in her veins ignites and washed over her with an audible thrum in her ears. Her jaw clenches as she replays all of the times she was around the other woman. Of course!

Jesse has stopped pacing and staring at her wide-eyed over the expanse of their bed. She could tell he was afraid of what his confession would result in. But his concern was unfounded. All Dina could do was deliver on her promise and laugh. Instantly his face twisted in anger. "This is fucking funny?" All of her previous concerns and propensities for civility popped like a line stretched too tight. "Dina, I fucking love you. How can you be so cold?" her laughter built. "Jesse, we literally both are interested in other people. Come on. This is clearly not where we should be."

"Please! This can't be it." At this point, Dina stops laughing. He is not listening, yet again. "It needs to be Jesse. Just stop." Her impatience is growing. "I can't believe you think it's funny that I cheated. Did you?" He stops short of asking if she cheated too. "Jesse, I have feelings for someone else. I think you know the answer to that question just based on that." Dina stands to start packing everything she can grab before the mood shifts into something worse.

"Where are you going? Don't leave me, please?" All she can do is huff as she empties her dresser drawers into a bag. "Babe?" The word infuriates her. "No, Jesse! I am not your babe." The venom in her voice takes even her by surprise. "I haven't been for a long time. This is so fucking over." Suddenly Jesse is behind her, wrapping his arms around her. Those arms that had once been such a source of security and stability now feel constrictive. Dina wheels around in them and pushes him off by the chest. "Please..." Jesse's voice cracks over her shoulder, giving her pause for a brief moment. In that instant, she considers giving and stopping the hurt she is causing him. Dina turns in his arms to look into his dark eyes. "Jesse, stop. I don't want to hurt you. Please just let me go."

Jesse pulls away and sits dejectedly on the bed. "You can stay here as long as you need to." She knows it's a lie. He just wants to opportunity to convince her to stay. "Why Jesse? Go be with Grace. You deserve to move on and be happy. You know I'm not the only one who isn't in love here. You aren't either." The words feel bitter leaving her mouth. It was becoming hard not to be angry at the thought that she had given so much of herself to someone who only wanted to take and take. On top of it, he had the audacity to beg her to stay in this toxic relationship. 

She zips the bag hastily and grabs her phone still attached to the charger. "We will meet to talk about settling everything and when I can move the rest of my stuff out." She slings the bag over her shoulder as she slips her shoes on. "Where are you going?" Dina shrugs. "It's not really any of your concern anymore, Jesse. Sorry."

She makes it into her truck before breaking down into a fit of tears and laughter. As she backs out of the driveway, her immediate instinct is to hang a left down Ellie's street to fall into her arms. But again, this wasn't about Ellie. She left Jesse for herself, and the opportunity to be with Ellie was just a real possibility now. Besides, Dina still had no idea if this was just a fling to the redhead, and she damn sure didn't want her to think she was only a rebound. 

Instead, she calls Cat and Chris and asks them to meet her at a diner in town. After all, it is her birthday, and that warrants some level of celebration, not to mention Dina felt brand new. She felt more like herself than she had in 5 years. The future was uncertain, but at least it was hers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, she finally did it, but our story isn't done by a long shot. Please keep those comments coming. They give me such motivation! I appreciate you all.


	16. You're by my side to give me that sure feeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dina finds her freedom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Dragonfly by The Grouch

Dina had never been more thankful for her friends than she was that birthday. She hadn't stopped to consider that Cat and Chris had so quickly become the only two people she could lean on in Jackson. It wasn't that Dina couldn't make friends, just more that she hadn't made friends since getting involved with Jesse. She had also neglected those friendships formed in college because Jesse and his crew were so tight-knit. It was impossible to bring anyone outside into that group without a ton of scrutiny.

Cat and Chris had opened their homes to her, but more importantly, they helped her find herself in her own time. Now on her birthday, the two had planned to take her to brunch, and Dina was relieved she had somewhere to go after her crazy morning. Unfortunately, she hadn't had time to shower before suddenly breaking up with Jesse first thing this morning, but she was sure the two wouldn't care. Dina still felt like a million bucks anyhow, free from that heavy burden she had been carrying for so long.

"Umm, rough night much?" Cat's eyebrow shot up as she looked Dina over before she slipped into the booth. "Holy fuck! With who though!?" Of course, Chris only wanted to know the details of her appearance if it involved something juicy. "More like a rough morning." Chris leaned forward from his spot, practically salivating at the impending tea she was about to spill. Cat downed her mimosa and gestured to the waiter for another. They were both so on brand sometimes.

"I broke up with Jesse just now." Cat's eyes went wide as she took the champagne glass filled with orange liquid from the waiter's hand and promptly redirected it across the table to Dina. The mimosa was strong, and Dina was thankful for the heavy pour. She hadn't even realized her hands were shaking. "Just keep them coming, please." Cat implored the waiter while Dina took another long pull from the flute. Chris looked like he was going to explode in anticipation. 

"I seriously don't have any fucking idea why I did that. I don't have anywhere to live. Our finances are still completely tied up. I just couldn't go one more hour being stuck in this relationship." Dina let the panic wash over, and she chased it down with the remainder of her charity drink from Cat. The two looked a little dumbfounded. Chris was fighting to open his mouth. "I literally just woke up and blurted it out. And then get this. Holy fuck!" She reached out for another glass, pulling it off the tray of mimosa's the waiter was walking around table to table with. He gave her an annoyed look at her impatient move, but she was too caught up to care. "He fucking admitted to cheating and then somehow thought that made us even, so we could just move past it and carry on like nothing happened." Chris's face soured instantly, and he withdrew from leaning over the table, almost clutching his pearls had he been wearing some. Cat snarled before downing her latest mimosa in one swift motion.

"Wait. This motherfucker begged you not to leave him by telling you cheated? What in the actual..." Cat interrupted him. "Was it that Grace woman that was throwing herself at him that night of the fights?" Dina nodded as she finished off her second mimosa as well. "Please tell me you kicked him in the fucking dick!" Chris was dead serious, but Dina couldn't help the smile that crept over her face. "Nope. I just laughed in his face." Cat chuckled. "Why are dudes so fucking clueless?" Chris turned to her and scowled. "At least we don't have sex by crying in each other's pussies!" Dina cracked up. She was so happy at that moment, watching her friends bicker over gender norms and sexuality stereotypes. Her birthday was shaping up to be one to remember.

The next morning Dina was jolted awake by her phone vibrating on her chest. She had drifted off the night before, staring at pictures of Ellie on her Instagram account. Her heart instantly started pounding at the thought of the redhead. She was almost certain the message had to be from her, but her hopes were dashed when she noticed it was from Jesse. Dina read through the first few lines without opening the message. "I woke up without you this morning, and I can't..." Dina tossed her phone across the bed and groaned. Why was he fighting so hard to get her back now when he never cared that she had been there for 5 years? Dina considered hunting down Grace to tell her to please take Jesse off her hands, but that would be too evil. Best to leave things alone and make as clean a break as possible.

Dina had a busy day of looking at apartments and houses to rent. She wasn't looking forward to it, but she was excited about finding someplace to call her own. It would also be a welcome distraction from her borderline obsessive thoughts about Ellie. 

By late afternoon Dina was over it. Everywhere she had looked at was not what she wanted. It was a growing concern that she would need to look in nearby communities and just commute into Jackson for work. That prospect meant seeing her friends and, most importantly, Ellie less. While initially, it seemed silly to base her requirements for a place to live on her ability to see and spend time with someone whom she had no idea what their intentions were, it was making her feel discouraged that those late-night talks in her classroom or those early morning coffee meet-ups could be impacted. It was obvious she needed a pick me up. Cat and Chris were still teaching for the evening, so she couldn't bother them. There wasn't really anyone else, unless? Dina made a quick illegal u-turn and headed straight towards her old neighborhood. Her heart was already pounding in her chest at what she was about to do.

Making her way down Aspen, Dina spotted the red Jeep in the driveway. A sigh of relief left her lips. Ellie hadn't left for work after her one class of the day, Dina's class. After asking for time to handle her life, Dina hadn't planned on contacting Ellie again so soon. Breaking things off with Jesse had happened far faster than she expected and that memory was barely 24 hours old. 

Still, Dina knew this wasn't some rebound bullshit. Ellie was, first and foremost, someone who understood Dina. In fact, the redhead appeared to get her on a level Dina had never experienced in her life. This sudden physical attraction was fast evolving into much more. While that prospect should have terrified Dina, for the first time in so long, she was fully prepared to take the plunge and deal with whatever came of it.

Just as Dina pulled the emergency brake on her truck and thrust it back into first gear, the front door of the house flew open. There was the woman of her dreams, standing on the porch staring at her through her dark sunglasses. She was wearing her navy work polo with a long-sleeved white undershirt peeking out from under the sleeves. The ensemble was cleanly tucked into her tight chinos, and her omnipresent Vans completed the look. Dina's mouth watered, and she felt like a ridiculous teenager at her body's visceral reaction. Ellie smiled that closed-lipped half-smile that made Dina's knees weak. She quickly fumbled to find the button to roll down her window as the redhead bounded over the rocky front yard towards her truck.

"Hey!" Her voice sent Dina into a memory of cliff jumping in the Jemez mountains during the hot New Mexican summers. Plunging into the cold water after such long, arduous hikes in the heat was the best feeling on earth, well, at least up until now, that is. "Hi." Dina smiled, trying to hide her growing infatuation with her student. Ellie made it to the sidewalk, and Dina leaned out the window, hoping to get closer to the woman she felt so magnetized to. "How come you haven't been at school?" Ellie sounded concerned, and Dina hated herself for making her worry. She knew the redhead wanted to ask if she was ok, but it was apparent Ellie didn't want to overstep after their last conversation. 

Dina looked at the clock on her stereo. "What time do you have to be at work?" Ellie pulled her phone from her pocket. "In like 10 minutes." A grimace stretched over her beautiful face, and Dina felt terrible. Ellie was clearly already late and now was going to be even later because of her. "Jump in. I'll get there you on time." Ellie tilted her head and smirked as Dina started her truck once more before unlocking the passenger door. 

It was easy to play this offer off as a friendly, helpful gesture for making Ellie late to work, but Dina also had other motives. The least of which was her personal obsession with promptness. It was one of her pet peeves to be early or on time for everything. But in truth, that wasn't the main reason she offered. Sharing space with Ellie was what her soul craved at that moment; fuck, at every moment, it seemed as of late.

The taller woman slid slowly onto the other side of the bench seat, and Dina chuckled at how her long legs bunched up near the dashboard. Not having bucket seats was clearly a problem when Dina was so much shorter than her passengers. She reached under her to pull the seat back as much as she could handle while still being able to reach the pedals. "And you played basketball, huh?" Ellie winked, and Dina nervously wiggled the gear shift before shoving it quickly into first. "Whatever. We can't all be supermodels like you." She hit the gas and took off down the street before Ellie could retort or buckle her seat belt.

"I can't believe I let you talk me into getting in a moving vehicle with you." Dina was weaving in and out of traffic, practically running red lights to get Ellie to work on time. Still, she smiled at Ellie's teasing while keeping her eyes on the road. "So how are...things?" It was apparent what the redhead meant by "things." Dina tried not to sound too excited about her newly single status. "Over." Ellie nodded easily, and Dina caught her, turning a smile towards her window in an attempt to hide it.

"Fuck!" Dina groaned as she got stuck at a red light. She eyed the clock nervously. "Gonna be close." Ellie chuckled and reached across the small cab to touch Dina's hand on the shifter. Times like this made having a smaller truck worth it. Sparks shot up her arm, and the two locked eyes. Dina felt herself drowning, almost heaving for air in those gorgeous green eyes, and suddenly a loud honk from behind them jolted her back to reality. Ellie laughed again. "Umm, are you planning to pick me up too because if so, I need to mentally prepare for the ride." "First of all." She checked her blind spot quickly and swerved into another lane. "I am an amazingly safe driver." "Hmmm, questionable." Dina's brows furrowed. "And second of all, how else would you get home?" It was a dangerous question. Dina had no idea who the redhead had to count on or even what her after work plans were. "I don't get off until late. That ok?" "How late?" "11." Dina nodded as she spotted the grocery store's giant marquee sign just up the street. 

Her truck came to a jolting stop outside the front doors with one minute to spare. She half expected Ellie to bolt from the cab immediately, but instead, the redhead stopped and turned to her with a massive smile on her face. "What's the damage, cabbie?" Dina smiled back, trying not to panic that Ellie would be late despite her best efforts. "Nothing. Hurry. Go on. I'll be back at 11 for you." Ellie leaned forward into her space, and Dina forgot all about the clock and her obsession with timeliness. "How about we settle my bill tonight? Are you free?" Dina felt a rush of heat pour over her body. Her hands trembled, and she reflexively tightened her grip on the steering wheel and gear shift. All she could do was nod. Ellie smirked and flung the door open. Before closing it, she leaned back in. "Being late was worth getting to see the look on your face right now." The door shut abruptly, pushing in a rush of cold air from outside. Dina sat, stupified, and completely brain dead, as she watched Ellie turn to smile at her from the front door of the store.

As she left the parking lot, Dina tried not to feel too bad about her lack of impulse control. It was not in her plan to throw herself into something with Ellie the day after ending things with Jesse. But something deep inside her just would not let her stay away from her student. She knew that it was likely Ellie didn't want anything serious. Frankly, Dina wasn't sure if she wanted another relationship so soon after ending such a terrible one. What was plain as day was that Dina knew spending time with Ellie was leading her to fall for the tall redhead. Who knows when it actually happened, but at this point, this was more than a crush.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IRL this breakup was brutal. My ex's best friend was also living with us at the time. I had to actually leave the house immediately to stay with a family member to avoid the breakdowns and begging that was happening. I have never felt so awful ending a relationship, despite the confession of cheating. It was awful to know that I had broken someone's heart, despite her transgressions.
> 
> I also struggled with staying away from my "Ellie." I really wanted to make sure that she didn't feel like a rebound to either of us but it was impossible. I found myself at her front door the next day. Gravity towards another human is a hell of a thing.
> 
> Thanks again for all the support and comments. I read and try to respond to every single one!


	17. What a big black mass, what a hunk of love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dina learns one of Ellie's secrets. Someone get this woman a drink!  
> (This one is a little longer than usual)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Gigantic by The Pixes (the first song my wife ever played on guitar for me)

Dina found herself in the same parking lot as earlier, watching Ellie shag shopping carts from afar. The redhead would run the carts to a certain point before hopping on the back and riding them to the line of carts she had already complied near the front of the store. How could anyone be so fucking cute performing such a menial task? As she hooked the carts with a length of cord and maneuvered the long row of them, Dina swooned at her strength. Those hands that had been performing manual labor for some time were clearly strong. Who gets turned on by someone collecting carts in a grocery store parking lot? Dina sighed at her continued lack of self-control when it came to this girl.

Ellie turned to gesture one minute towards Dina at the front door before ushering the massive row of carts into the sliding doors. Dina nodded in response and started into her usual panic at the redhead's inevitable arrival in her truck's passenger seat. She adjusted the bench seat once more and began shuffling through the songs on her playlist to find just the right one to set the mood. 

She had just come from beers with Cat after a long day of disappointment. So far, no real prospects for a place to live. On top of it all, Jesse's mom had called her earlier. She begrudgingly answered as she was between appointments. Instantly she had wished she didn't. Robin called to ask her what was going on and why Jesse had been mopping around the house since Thanksgiving. From their conversation, it was undeniable that Jesse had told his parents what happened but conveniently left that he had cheated. Robin, who had once been so sweet and almost motherly towards Dina, was suddenly so passive-aggressive, and Dina knew she needed to cut ties entirely before the feelings soured and turned angry. She had plans to head to Wilson and South Park tomorrow in a desperate attempt to find a place somewhere decently near Jackson.

A knock on her passenger side window shook her from her building anxiety. Ellie's smile sparkled fully in the pane of the window as she fumbled for the lock mechanism next to her. "What's got you so distracted? Planning our death race back to my place?" She winked, and Dina snorted. Her sarcasm was incredibly well-timed and wildly sexy. "I told you. I am an extremely safe driver. I got you here safe and quickly, right?" Ellie smirked and reached to grab her seat belt. 

"You hungry?" Dina nodded; she hadn't eaten since grabbing something quick for lunch between appointments. "Kinda late, though. What's open?" Ellie shrugged as she eyed Dina up and down. "We still have Thanksgiving leftovers if you want?" Dina tried to hide her excitement. Going to Ellie's, this late, potentially alone, and she was now single? Fucking sign her up now! She couldn't muster an answer in her flustered state. Instead, she threw the truck in reverse and left the parking lot, trying not to drive as erratic as she had dropping Ellie off earlier in the day.

The drive was leisurely compared to earlier. Dina's mind was racing, tangling in a million thoughts of what awaited her in Ellie's house. Her crumby day just fell away, discarded and forgotten like the dirty snow plowed into piles on the sides of every street in town. Dina reached for the stereo to turn up the volume at a red light, and Ellie hummed. The noise vibrated into Dina, and she wanted to whimper. "You like Portishead?" Ellie was nodding to the beat gently. "Not at all. I just wanted to turn it up to impress you." She tolled her eyes playfully in the redhead's direction. "Someone is feisty this evening. How was your day, by the way?" Dina swooned. Ellie had just gotten off work, a job that looked like stressful, taxing work, and here she was taking the time to ask Dina about her day. This was something Jesse never did, and while Dina tried never to compare two people, the contrast was so stark it stuck in her brain. 

"Crazy." She wanted to say more, but her voice felt like it was trembling. She needed to calm herself, so Ellie wouldn't pick up on her infatuation. "You want to talk about it?" Ellie tilted her head, and despite not being able to see her eyes while watching the road, Dina could almost feel how soft her gaze was. "I just haven't found anywhere to live yet, and now Jesse's parents are involved, and I kind of feel like the walls are closing in on my window to walk away from this amicably. You know?" It all just spilled out of her so quickly she hadn't had time to temper it to make herself sound like less drama. Hopefully, Ellie wouldn't be put off by all this baggage.

"You know..." Dina braced for whatever was coming. "There is a place on the street over from us for rent. It looks smaller, maybe two rooms, but we could still be neighbors." Dina smiled. She hadn't looked in the neighborhood at all. It was likely an oversight fueled by her desire to be as far away from Jesse as possible after the split. What she hadn't considered was how being near Ellie was a big perk, one that possibly outweighed the downside of being near her old life. 

"Oh?" She tried to act nonchalant. "I was about to look in Wilson and South Park tomorrow." Ellie huffed. "That's too far. Don't you think?" Dina's skin flushed. Too far from you, she thought. "Do you seriously want me to be your neighbor still?" Dina was fishing for info on how the redhead felt about her. She wasn't even trying to be subtle anymore. Ellie laughed. "Naw, I just mentioned it to try and impress you." She was mocking Dina's earlier dismissal.

Dina noticed Abby's VW was missing from the driveway, and she was relieved. This time around, Dina took in the home as much as she could; being void of anxiety about putting her growing feelings on hold made that possible. In one corner of the living room was a DJ set up. Two turntables and a mixer filled with stickers sat atop a plain plank of wood over two large speakers. There was no TV or coffee table, leaving the space between the two couches empty. Dina reasoned they threw a lot of parties here. The dark hallway to her right was likely where the bedrooms were, and Dina glanced that way, still wondering what Ellie's room looked like. On the bar between the living room and kitchen was a small fishbowl with a single beta and a bong. Dina laughed at how drastically different this house was from where she lived last. Empty liquor bottles lined the tops of the kitchen cabinets like trophies. An old milk crate of spray paint was nestled behind the front door. The walls were barren, and the carpet was well worn and stained with what Dina could only assume was beer spills. She felt like she had returned to her college dorm room, and for the first time, Dina realized that perhaps she hadn't been acting her age. She was playing house, trying to be more grown than she needed to.

"Sorry. We had a party this weekend and haven't really cleaned up." Dina tried not to the explanation affect her, but the thought of Ellie having fun without her stung some. "Do you mind if I shower really quick? You can hang out in the 'Purp.'" Dina turned to look at her in confusion. "The Purp?" Ellie chuckled and grabbed Dina's hand, leading her down the dark hallway to the first door on the left. She flung it open and flicked on the light to reveal a bright purple walled room filled almost entirely with couch cushions and a small TV propped up on a coffee table. A tray filled with weed crumbs, rolling papers, and lighters sat next to the TV. Dina laughed. "This is the Purp? Fitting name." She looked at the bright purple color. Ellie laughed nervously. "Make yourself comfortable. I'll be quick." 

Dina noticed Ellie hadn't let go of her hand since leading her to the room. She turned to meet Ellie's green eyes piercing into hers. At that moment, Dina would have stayed in a cold jail cell on the floor for this woman if the redhead had only asked. She sighed and nodded as Ellie gave her that signature side smile and slipped out into the dark hallway. A door opened down the hall, and Dina wanted badly to sneak a peek into Ellie's room. Instead, she flopped onto the cushions and pulled her phone from her pocket to text Chris and Cat. She needed someone to stop her from acting so fucking desperate.

"Guess where I am right now?" Her fingers typed furiously. Behind her, she heard another door shut, and the shower turned on. She sat up and stared at the wall separating her from Ellie undressing just beyond it. Fucking stupid walls. Soft music billowed through the wall, and she had to stop herself from pressing her ear against the purple paint to hear better. "At a Melissa Ethridge concert?" She scowled at Chris's response. "Ellie's bed?" Cat's made her blush. She wished. Suddenly she heard singing coming from the room behind her. "Ooooh... sometimes. I take a loooong shower." Dina snorted. The tune was familiar; Etta James originally and later sampled by Pretty Lights and others. It was ridiculously charming.

"I don't even like Melissa Ethridge fucker. And I am in Ellie's house. Not in her room, though." She added a sad face emoji. Chris responded with a GIF of someone gagging, and Cat sent her a smirking emoji. "Better buy you some dental dam!" Dina shook her head at Chris's teasing and crassness. "No one uses that, Chris." Cat tried to intervene. "Oh, because you just get off by crying at one another?" Dina snorted again. At this point, she was only halfway paying attention to the fight taking place in the group chat. Ellie's voice as she sang the same line over and over was much more enthralling. The water shutoff and Dina sat up quickly. "Gotta go. Text you both later." "Have fun." Cat texted back. "Dental dam Dina! Use it!" She rolled her eyes at Chris's insistence.

The dark hallway was illuminated with the light from the bathroom. Dina could smell Ellie's soap as the damp heat wafted into the Purp. It smelled like heaven, and she wanted to smell it on Ellie's skin so badly. Dina started praying that Ellie would bypass dressing and come into the room in her towel. Her eyes darted around the room, looking for any visible excuse the redhead could potentially use to fulfill that fantasy. Sadly the room showed no signs of anything Ellie would need after a shower; this wasn't her bedroom after all. AS quick as her disappointment built, it disappeared when the redhead appeared in the doorway, toweling her auburn locks in one hand and carrying brightly colored socks in the other.

Her arrogant smile made Dina feel like she was free falling. The air sucked from her lungs as the redhead approached and plopped down next to her to pull on her socks. Dina suddenly broke out in applause, to which Ellie furrowed her brow and turned to face Dina. The water droplets from her hair were crawling down her neck into the collar of her t-shirt, and Dina was suppressing every urge in her body to lick them. "Why are you clapping?" Dina smiled wickedly. The shirt was damp and clinging to Ellie's athletic frame, and it was hard not to say her praise was for that sight alone. "You put on quite a show." She leaned towards the red, challenging her. Ellie's cheeks flushed, and Dina wasn't sure if it was from embarrassment or something else. She shrugged and toweled off the droplets Dina had been thirsting to taste. "I aim to please." Dina almost fainted at the potential double meaning. 

"Are you hungry?" Dina almost squeaked in response. "Starving." Her eyes roamed Ellie's body shamelessly as the taller woman stood. Her sweats hung perfectly on her hips, and Dina had never noticed how hot her ass was, small and perfect. "Well, come on. I'll feed you, and then I can give you an encore." Dina flushed. She had no idea what that meant, but Ellie had to know that she was saying was driving her crazy, right?

The two sat in the kitchen at the bar, the bong and fishbowl moved to one side. "So did you win the pie contest?" Ellie inhaled with her mouth full. She forced her bite down her throat to answer quickly. "Fuck. I never got to tell you. I did!" Dina nodded and took another fork full of stuffing from her plate. "Sounds like you owe me a thank you." She tried not to look at Ellie's response from her periphery. The redhead nodded vigorously. "I do. Hence the encore I told you about." Every single time Dina thought she would have the upper hand on the student, Ellie would go and say something that would reduce her to a simpering puddle.

After their tense meal, Ellie pulled Dina back into the Purp. "Don't I get to see your room?" She couldn't help herself, and it was hard to be embarrassed considering the way Ellie froze in her tracks in the hallway. She could feel her palms instantly get sweaty, and Dina knew she was having the same effect on the redhead that she had been fighting with all night. "Umm...it's kinda a mess. I'll clean it, and you can see it some other time." Just like that, the confidence Dina felt left her body like a deflated balloon. Maybe it was time to tone it down. This girl maybe doesn't feel the same.

Once in the Purp, Ellie disappeared back down the hall and remerged with a hard guitar case. Dina wanted to stand and yell. Was she fucking kidding!? She fucking played guitar too? This was entirely too unfair. On top of it, how was Dina supposed to tone it down as Ellie just appeared to be setting thirst trap after thirst trap for her. Ellie set it down at her feet before popping the latches to reveal a gorgeous acoustic guitar nestled in dark velvet. The fretboard had abalone inlays, the topmost being an intricate moth. The wood was dark and shiny. 

Ellie's long fingers snaked around the neck, and she slowly lifted it into her lap. Dina tried to keep her mouth shut as she watched every detail of what was unfolding in front of her with silent admiration. Ellie kept her eyes fixed on the instrument in her lap as she plucked each string individually to tune it. The pearl keys twisted in her fingers, and she nodded when it sounded how she wanted. Dina leaned back into the cushions, trying not to completely lose herself in the moment. This was dangerous, far more dangerous than Ellie likely knew. Or maybe she knew exactly what she was doing?

Ellie strummed over a few random chords before settling on a low repetitive rhythm. It sounded familiar, but Dina couldn't quite place it. Ellie looked up from the guitar before singing the first lines, "And this I know, his teeth as white as snow. What a gas it was to see him." Dina wanted to toss the guitar from the redhead's lap and straddle her. Her voice was even fucking sexier when she sang. Not perfect, but perfect for Dina's ears. "Hey Paul, hey Paul, hey Paul, let's have a ball." Her voice built, a small country twang to it that Dina wondered about. Ellie belted out the chorus in almost a shout, more of a punk edge to her voice before returning to the soft tone for the next verse. Dina was transfixed. Mesmerized by the entire scene. Goosebumps pricked over her entire body, Her cheeks flushed and a warmth pooled in her lap. This whole situation completely and utterly out of hand. Just a minute earlier, she had convinced herself that she would tone it down. That plan was out the window now.

Ellie finished the song, and Dina stared, pinned against the cushions behind her in an attempt to keep her hands to herself. Her mouth was dry, and she couldn't swallow. Ellie rested her arms on the instrument's body before laying her cheek, shyly over them to gaze at Dina. It was clear she was waiting for Dina to say something. If she only knew how hard Dina was struggling to make her brain work in any manner that wasn't primal. "Wow." She croaked the word out. It was weak, but all she could manage. Ellie smiled shyly and set the guitar back into its velvet throne. "I..." Deep breath in. "didn't know you played." Ellie shrugged, and Dina wanted to shake her at her dismissive nonchalance about how amazing everything about her was. "Joel taught me." Dina wanted to ask about this Joel person and so many other things, but she couldn't do anything. Not one fucking thing, but stare at the redhead in front of her.

"Should we..." Ellie sounded nervous. "Watch a movie or whatever?" Dina nodded stupidly, wishing she could reassure Ellie that the entire experience had been wonderful, life-altering even. Ellie rose to turn off the light, and Dina's blood thrummed. The redhead reached for the TV remote and sat back, inching closer to Dina smashed in the corner, feeling like she might pounce at any minute if Ellie got too close to her. Ellie turned to look at her quizically. "Can you see the TV ok from there?" It was true; Dina was so far into the corner that the TV was nothing but a flash of light on a black box. She slowly unfurled herself and scooted closer to the redhead, taking care to prevent herself from climbing into the student's lap as she desperately wanted. 

The movie started, and Dina had no idea what language the characters were speaking. She had seen it a lot of times, but the noises coming from their lips were gibberish. Her mind looped over Ellie singing over and over. "Could I kiss you?" Dina thought she had fantasized about the question, so she was shocked when she looked up to her left to see those green eyes looking into hers. She smiled dumbly in response, and Ellie leaned towards her eagerly before taking her cheek in her calloused fingers. She didn't press her lips to Dina's immediately, instead opting to stare into Dina's eyes for a moment.

Dina couldn't handle it. Every bit of her was craving the woman in front of her. Sure she had made a promise to take this slow. To not make it a rebound. She had planned her priorities, and yet this was so wholly unavoidable. Dina knew she was powerless against the pull of this woman. When Ellie finally pressed their lips together, Dina knew she would give all of herself to her right now; fuck her plans and practicalities.

The kiss became far more heated than their first. Dina pulled Ellie into her, giving in to her pent up sexual tension. Ellie groaned, and Dina needed to hear more immediately. Nothing felt like enough, but at the same time, it all also felt like too much. Dina grasped the front collar of Ellie's shirt and twisted it into her fist. Her other hand wound into the damp auburn locks and the base of Ellie's skull. 

The taller woman wrapped her hand across the dimples found on Dina's lower back. Someone moaned as Ellie pulled Dina down onto her. The other strong hand left Dina's middle back to splay across her hip. Ellie's thumb rubbed circles on the sharp hip bone found there before sneaking under the rigid waistband of her jeans. Dina couldn't believe this was happening. Her body felt like it wasn't her own, as she reacted by releasing the stretched shirt collar to run her hands over Ellie's chest. The two gasped for air as Ellie's other fingers slowly began dipping below Dina's waistband. Dina leaned into Ellie's neck and whispered, "Don't stop." She was giving words to the yearning her body had.

Suddenly Ellie moaned and withdrew her hand from its place under Dina's jeans. "We shouldn't." Dina felt completely confused. She had never had anyone reject her like this, especially when things had gotten so heated. Besides, wasn't it Ellie's idea to kiss? Wasn't it the taller woman who pulled her down onto her own body? Dina sat up. She was trying not to be mad. "Should I go?" She started straightening herself out, smoothing down her shirt. Ellie looked flustered below her. Her lips and cheeks bright red and swollen. She was panting and trembling. Dina instantly felt terrible. Had she moved too fast?

"No. Please don't. Can we just cuddle?" Dina smiled in the dark. She wanted an explanation, but that was only self-serving, to protect her ego. Ellie clearly liked her. Maybe she just wanted to take it slow? Ellie sat up and pulled Dina into her arms. "Is that ok?" She sounded so vulnerable and sweet that Dina's heart almost broke. "Of course." She brushed a lock of the auburn hair behind Ellie's ear before kissing her slowly on the crown of her head. 

Dina awoke hours later. Still in Ellie's arms in the mess of cushions. The light from the TV was still flickering, and the taller woman breathed softly into her hair. "Hey." She shook her gently. "I'm gonna go. Ok?" Ellie whined, squeezing her tighter. Dina chuckled. "I'll text you tomorrow." Ellie huffed and mumbled. "Ok. Good night Teach." Dina wiggled from her arms and grabbed a blanket that was crumbled into a pile on the opposite side of the room. Ellie sighed as she pulled it over her. 

Dina tried to come into Cat's apartment quietly, but the tattooed woman sprung from her bedroom door before Dina could hang her coat. "Spill it! I wasn't expecting you home." Dina didn't want to talk about the heated make-out session and subsequent rejection at this moment. "She played guitar for me." Cat's eyes doubled in size. "No fucking way!" Dina smiled and blushed into her own shoulder. "And sang." Cat smirked. "What song?" "I'm not sure. The chorus said something like 'gigantic, gigantic, a big, big love.'" Cat ran to the Bluetooth speaker and fiddled with her phone before the music started to play through it. She scrubbed to the chorus, and the song came to life. Dina thought Ellie's version was far superior, but it was the song. "Yea, that's it!" Cat mockingly fell onto the couch with the back of her hand on her forehead. "You mean this girl played the fucking Pixies for you?" Dina shrugged. "Marry her."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew. That is a lot to unpack.  
> Going into her house for the first time was like seeing some secret that I had been trying to visualize for years (our timeline to get this point was just under two years). Her house was exactly as described. The Purp was a real thing and I loved that room. My wife also did not let me into her room for like a week. Her excuse of needing to clean it was a cover. We will get into that later though.  
> The song Ellie sings in the shower is one my wife sings in the shower to this day. It is ridiculously adorable, still.  
> I had zero clue she played guitar until she pulled it out and played this song. After leaving her house that day I Googled the chorus and found out it was the Pixies. I texted a close friend who loved the Pixies to tell her and her response was exactly what Cat's was, "Marry her."  
> Finally, yes, my wife did reject me during a heated make-out session early on. We will learn why a little later but it's something I still give her a hard time about to this day ;)


	18. I'm still in a risky position, itching to hit a decision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dina finds herself overthinking everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Porcelain by Cunninlynguists

Morning came far too soon for Dina's taste. Cat was already up and, from the smell of it, making coffee and toast. The night before, the two had talked more about Cat's ongoing descent into a walking cliche as well as Dina's growing crush on her student. Cat mentioned for the first time that Dina needed to be aware of the consequences of pursuing a student. While it was something she had pondered once or twice, Dina had to admit she hadn't given it enough priority with everything going on. Now because of Cat's insistence, Dina found herself struggling to leave the guest room after a largely sleepless night.

The negative effects of this thing with Ellie were assaulting her brain, just as they had been since Cat mentioned it the night before. Dina felt like a fool for not having considered those things more carefully before plunging headfirst down the path she was currently set on. Dina felt even more pressure to be the perfect example of an academic because of her young age. Having an affair with a student was such a repugnant cliche, one Dina never in a million years she thought would fall into. And yet, less than 12 hours ago, she was practically begging a student to have sex. Maybe she was taking this newfound freedom of being herself too far?

She wandered out of the room and straight into the bathroom for a cold shower in the hopes it would wake her from her daze. Her original plans for the day were to head to Wilson and South Park to look at a few places. As she dried her hair, she remembered how disappointed Ellie seemed at the prospect of her moving outside of Jackson. Dina couldn't help but wonder if that kind of space away from the small town was exactly what she needed to get her head back on straight. Ellie felt like a distraction from the things she needed to be concentrated on, and yet, her brain snagged on the redhead's suggestion that she check out the place for rent on the next block. What would it hurt to stop by and ask Ellie where this place and just check it out before she headed to Wilson?

Dina found herself in front of the same house she was in just the night before. The red Jeep was in its usual spot in the driveway. As Dina approached the porch, she realized it was rude to just show up like this. Perhaps she should have text first? She pulled her phone from her back pocket, but before she could type out a message, the front door swung open. Abby was in sweats and a tank top. There was a bowl of cereal gripped in one of her hands, and the other held a spoon.

"She's not here." She mumbled between bites. "Oh. Ok. I just figured cause her Jeep..." Abby smirked towards the driveway. "Hmmm." She shrugged those massive shoulders, and Dina watched her traps swallow her neck. "Guess she got a ride with someone." Her dirty blonde eyebrow moved up her head as she turned her gaze to the milk and cereal in her bowl. Dina was annoyed with how she said "someone," but she couldn't admit that to Abby. Besides, it seemed necessary to try and get along with the muscular woman, if only because she and Ellie seemed close.

"Sure. Is she at work?" Abby slurped the last of the milk from the bowl and shook her head no. Obviously, she wasn't going to get much out of this conversation. "Ok, well. I'll text her, I guess." Abby gawked at her as she backed away from the porch. The glare made Dina upset. What was with these two? She spun around to pick up the pace to her truck. "Hey, Teach." Dina froze. "Yea?" She answered over her shoulder, not wanting to give the other girl the upper hand of having her full attention. "You know she really likes you, right?" It was hard not to imagine Abby added "for some reason" to the end of that statement, but it never comes. Now, this was even more confusing. Dina was sure this girl had been being passive-aggressive, trying to put Dina off her...whatever Ellie was to her. Why would she be telling Dina this now, after being so short with her?

Dina wants to blurt out that she is falling for the redhead, but that isn't something you admit to someone who feels like an enemy most days. "Does she, though?" She turns to meet Abby, now standing outside the front door. Her frame is even more imposing on the porch. Her face twists, and she scowls. "Sure, she's kinda clueless, but I thought she was being pretty obvious. Right?" Her eyes narrow, awaiting Dina's response. "Well, last night..." She stops herself. Should she really be discussing what did and, more importantly, did not happen the night before with another student? By now, Abby has her muscular arms crossed, revealing the tone of her biceps as they press into her chest. Dina needs to say something. "Let's just say she wouldn't let me in her room." Abby huffs, loud. "Do you blame her?" Dina cocks her head to one side. Where the fuck is this headed? "You just had a long term boyfriend 3 days ago." Dina wants to tell her she has a point, but she won't give her the satisfaction. Instead, she opts to change the subject.

"Hey, do you know of a house for rent in the neighborhood?" Dina never asked precisely where it was, and a "block over" really could mean anywhere in this subdivision. Abby turns to head inside and mumbles over her shoulder, "It's on Pine Ridge." She shuts the door behind her, and Dina feels the noise in her bones. That went horribly.

Dina doubled back the other way to avoid driving past Jesse's on the way to Pine Ridge; she didn't need any more drama for the day. The house looked perfect. It was nestled back behind a larger home, along a gravel drive. Dina punched the number on the sign into her phone and was happy someone picked up right away. "Hi. I was calling about the house for rent on Pine Ridge?" "Oh, sure. Do you want to take a look at it?" Dina wanted to say yes, but she needed to know how much it was before she walked into something and fell for yet another thing she can't have. "Well, how much is the rent?" "Eleven hundred a month, utilities included." It was a little more than she wanted to pay, but she could still make it work if she didn't have to worry about paying two car payments and two student loan payments anymore. "Ok. I'm free to come see it whenever."

An hour later, Jerry, the landlord and property owner, pulled into the gravel driveway. Dina followed him into the small house after shaking his hand. She looked around and tried not to jump out of her skin. The place seemed perfect. It had two small bedrooms, a kitchen, a little living room, and a laundry room. The shower was small, but there was also an enclosed private patio. "The neighborhood is really safe. My daughter rents one of my other properties a block over." Dina shot a look over her shoulder. It couldn't be. She tried not to look surprised. 

"Anyhow, what do you do for a living?" Dina opened the fridge and answered into its emptiness. "I'm an adjunct professor." "Wow. Good for you. Where?" "The Art College of Jackson." She knows if her hunch was correct, this was going to get awkward. "No shit! My daughter is a student there. Abby. Abby Anderson." Dina smiles tight-lipped and nods back at him. "Small world." Dina chuckles. "The smallest." Just her fucking luck. Still, the place was perfect, and even if things with Ellie went south, she knew Jerry wouldn't care or get involved. "Can you give me until this evening to let you know?" Jerry nods. "Sure, I just put it up for rent yesterday, though, so best to hurry. I think this one will go fast." 

Back in her truck Dina wants to smile with all the excitement of finally finding a place of her own. Sure she would be renting from Abby Anderson's dad, but that was indeed just a small price to pay for her freedom. What was really keeping her from saying yes on the spot was the rejection from the night before and her conversation with Abby this morning. Being this close to Ellie seemed like a horrible idea after all the uncertainty of the past 24 hours. She pulled away from the curb and mindlessly headed back towards Aspen. Maybe Ellie would be back by now, and she could see if the redhead was serious about being neighbors or not?

A black sports car was wedged into the driveway behind Ellie's Jeep and Abby's VW. Dina had never seen the car before, but everything about it screamed that it was a girl's car. She slowed to consider stopping and turning in someone's driveway before heading home. That seemed like an infinitely better plan than showing up unannounced for the second time today. As she prepared to cut into a stranger's driveway, she noticed Ellie dart out into the street after a dog. The redhead had her hand in her mouth, and Dina heard the loud whistle chirp through her closed windows and over the music in the truck. The dog froze and turned to make its way toward the smiling girl crouched in the street with her arms open, waiting for it. 

Dina watched this all at a complete stop in the street. How did she miss this dog in the house the night before? Suddenly Ellie looked up from the dog to see Dina practically parked in the middle of the street. She titled her head and stuck her free hand up as she awkwardly stood to lead the dog by its collar towards the sidewalk. Well, she was caught now. Dina pulled up slowly, just behind the black car, and rolled down her window. Ellie looked panicked, but Dina tried telling herself it was only due to the almost successful doggy jailbreak. 

"Hey." Dina smiled back. "I didn't know you had a dog!" "I d..." "Fuck! Cash, don't take off like that." The tall woman from the concert so many weeks prior emerged from behind the black car. Ellie's eyes darted between the dog, Dina and the woman Dina could only assume was her ex-girlfriend. The woman bent to hook a leash onto the excited dog's collar. "Thanks for getting him, El. You know he always listens to you best." Dina's heart broke in her chest. She wanted nothing more than to drive away and disappear. That long drive to Wilson sounded like the best idea ever right about now.

"Dina. This is Riley. Riley, this is Dina." Ellie looked absolutely terrified. The gorgeous woman smiled faintly and bent to glance into the truck cab. Dina couldn't even bring herself to smile back or answer. Riley stood fully once more and turned around to Ellie. "I need to go. Same time next week?" Ellie nodded. "Nice to meet you, Dina. Bye El." She gave her a quick one-armed hug that Dina thought went on for far too long. Ellie bent and rubbed the dog's ears. "Bye, buddy." Riley tugged the leash, and the dog scampered towards the black car, pausing for her to move the front seat for him to jump in the back. Riley waved as she reversed in front of them, and Dina kept her eyes fixed on Ellie as the redhead waved back slowly.

As the car disappeared around the curve of the street, Dina wondered who would say something first. No wonder she hadn't text her all morning. And now, her trepidation to do anything but cuddle and kiss a little the night before made sense. Dina was only another fling. It was hard not to call it out and drive off. Dina would not be played for a fucking fool.

"Hi." The redhead was toeing the sidewalk outside Dina's door nervously. Dina was irritated at her shyness, thinking it only was present because she had been caught. "So that's your ex?" Ellie nodded, avoiding eye contact. "She is gorgeous." The words felt as bitter on her tongue as she was sure they sounded. Ellie shrugged. "Yea." "Cool. Well, I was just in the neighborhood and stopped to say, hey. Guess I should have called first, huh?" The mirthless chuckle that left her lips was an unfamiliar sensation to her. Dina was not used to feeling this jealous or exposed. 

Ellie finally looked up from whatever was so interesting at her feet. "Did you look at that house?" Dina nodded once. "Sneaky of you to tell me about a house that is owned by Abby's father." She glared at the redhead from her periphery, trying to seem more interested in a passing car. Ellie shrugged again. "Is that a deal-breaker?" "No, but I don't think it's gonna work for me." Ellie took a step towards Dina's window, and everything in her wanted to yell at her to back up. She didn't want to be on this fucking rollercoaster anymore, and Ellie being so close was making it impossible to stop this ride. "Why?" Dina shrugged. "You know. I forgot I have a thing. I gotta go." The urge to say, "See you later" or "Text you later" builds in her throat, but she cranks up her stereo instead. "Bye, Ellie." She throws the truck into gear and leaves Ellie standing alone on the sidewalk. Dina allows herself to look in the rearview once before she fixes her eyes forward. Only forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep those comments coming. They give me life!


	19. Cut out all the ropes and let me fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot of background on Dina's life before Jackson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Skinny Love by Bon Iver (another song I get serenaded with often)

Sulking would be a hundred times better in her book. Maybe curling up in her bed under the covers? But Dina reminds herself that her bed is, in fact, trapped in limbo, much like her, back in Jesse's bedroom. That room felt a million miles away even though her last time in it was three short days ago. This realization mixed with the building anger in her chest as she rolled down her window to let the cold air wash over her face. She threw the truck into sixth and stepped heavier on the gas. The drive to South Park made her feel like she was running. Speeding away from the pain and confusion, she left back on the sidewalk with Ellie.

Of course, there was likely a reasonable explanation for everything regarding the redhead, but Dina couldn't bring herself to accept that fact. There was too much on the line. Five years, maybe longer, of hiding yourself can twist someone up in ways you just have to experience to understand. Dina had been hanging her self worth on other things for so long, she was terrified she had none left. 

When she was a kid, it was all about living up to expectations imposed on her by her family. Her father's family was filled with wildly successful women despite their humble beginnings in a tiny town in Northern New Mexico. Her family had been in that part of the world for six generations, part of an exodus from the Spanish Inquisition for being Sephardic Jews. No stoplights, no universities for hundreds of miles, and yet her grandmother had managed a college degree despite being raised in a home with dirt floors. Martinez's were proud people. Living up to those expectations was something she was aware needed to happen to be loved.

On her mother's side was a significant amount of trauma and pain. Descendants of the Holocaust dotted her family tree on that side. Her grandfather had died in his 30s, leaving her grandmother to raise eight children all alone. Her mother had stepped up to help fulfill the role of mother for her younger siblings. Dina was descendant from incredible women on all sides. A long line of survivors.

Perhaps that was why she had been so impacted by the sudden disintegration of her family. In a blink of an eye, it was all taken from her. Leading up to that day, Dina had been struggling. Everyone in the household noticed it. What no one knew was that she wasn't merely "acting out." She was battling with who she was required to be and who she actually was. Dina knew she was different even as a little girl. Most passed her clothing, hobbies, and playmate preferences off as being a "tomboy," whatever the fuck that meant. Yet deep down, Dina knew something about her was off, wrong, and thus unloveable. 

After the death of her grandmother, Dina's father drifted away from the family. Finally, leaving them and starting over in Texas with a new wife and step kids. She often wondered if his new family was more agreeable, less different, and difficult. His absence made Dina react more erratically. She stopped going to school and started drinking and doing drugs—anything to numb the pain inside. She wore it all thin, the strings holding her life stretching tight. Finally, her parents spoke enough to resolve to send her away to a program to help get her back on track. It was that program, tucked away in the mountains of Northern New Mexico, near where her family had fled to so many years before, that she began to find some solace.

The last time she saw her mother and older sister was one of her dearest and most painful memories. They had come up on the weekend to visit. Dina was close to telling them about who she really was but decided to leave it until she had made more progress. She wanted them to be proud of her for at least a moment before she let them down. It was on the way home from that visit that the two women swerved to avoid a heard of Elk and plummeted off the old mountain road. Dina finished high school in that facility before leaving New Mexico for Wyoming after. She hadn't spoken to her father since, and Dina was reasonably confident he had no idea where in this world his youngest daughter had ended up.

Her truck barreled down the 191 towards South Park. As she approached the first exit, she had to stop herself from pushing down on the gas harder. Dina wanted to keep driving, escape that shit that was building in her life a few miles in Jackson. All those expectations, now self-imposed, loomed heavy on her. She didn't have the emotional intelligence at the moment to fully understand why her insecurities about Ellie had triggered such old traumas and feelings to resurface.

Dina felt like a ghost wandering through the small town. She was seeing apartments and navigating through their rooms without actually seeing or feeling anything at all. Her brain was replaying Ellie's eyes as he watched them disappear in her rearview. Driving away felt like willfully driving away from her future. Ever since the redhead had rushed into her classroom, Dina had felt this destructive force of nature threatening to turn everything inside out. All those things she had reverted back into to keep her life tidy and acceptable by her family's standards, made crashing into Ellie that much more confusing. While everything about the redhead felt so inevitable, Dina knew she needed to fight to avoid losing herself in this. Being hurt so badly and feeling unlovable by yet another person was not something she could stomach. 

If only she could tell Ellie how she really felt. Asking for love and understanding was just not something she was taught. On top of all that, Dina wasn't sure how Ellie felt. Here she was, with all her baggage, having just ended a long-term toxic relationship. How in the hell could she ask anyone to love her? There had always been some level of her doing things out of loyalty or service to someone or something else. Dina hadn't done anything that was solely for her since she was shipped off to rehab. Building something with Ellie felt like a potential avenue to finally break that cycle, but everything in her had conditioned her to believe that doing what you want is wrong.

South Park didn't have much to offer other than allowing her some distance to wallow in her negative thoughts. Dina found herself back on the 191, speeding up towards the 22 to visit Wilson. As she cleared the Rafter Ranch, her phone rang. Dina did both to glance to see who it was before hitting talk on the screen. "Hello, Ms. Martinez?" "Yes, this is she." "Hi, this is Jerry Anderson from earlier. Anyhow, I wanted to call and tell you that I spoke with my daughter and she said you would be a wonderful tenant. I'd be willing to lower rent to $900 a month if you want to sign a lease today?" How could Dina refuse that? She had convinced herself that living near Ellie was a terrible idea for her well being, particularly after the morning, but now that the price was so near her goal, it would be foolish to decline. Her brain willfully skirted over the fact that Abby had, in some way, vouched for her. "Wow, that would be amazing, Mr. Anderson. Yes. I can come by in an hour to take care of paperwork if that's ok?" "Of course! I'll meet you at the house then, and please call me Jerry."

Dina hung up and whooped. She had done it, sure, with a little help from Ellie and Abby. If only there was someone to share in her excitement. Looking at the clock, it was 2:30pm, almost time for Ellie's only class of the day. Cat had her painting studio times, and she knew Chris would be holed up in the darkroom. No matter, she sped back with more enthusiasm than she had thought possible after such a dejecting morning. 

Immediately after signing the necessary papers, Dina found herself, key in hand, pondering what her next move needed to be. She had never had her own place, having moved in with Jesse barely a year after settling in the dorms at U Dub. The key felt like a medal of honor, and it emboldened her. 

She snaps a picture of the key pinched between her fingers and composes the text. "Guess who's your new neighbor!?" She hits send before she can think better of it. Afterward, she sends the same pic to Chris and Cat. Dina flips back to the text thread with Ellie and watches the message turn color to confirm she's read it. The three dots flash on her screen and disappear several times. 

It shouldn't surprise her that Ellie is hesitant after her behavior earlier. An apology is in order because no matter how much Dina tells herself that falling more Ellie is a dangerous idea, she can't stop it. Even if she wanted to, Dina cannot help the inevitability of her gravitation pull towards the redhead. If she believed in such stupid ideologies as fate and love and first sight, she might even assume that she was a victim of one or both of them. Loving this girl is a terrifying prospect, but not loving her is even worse. The thoughts of weathering yet another broken heart radiate into her chest, choking her as she watches the damn three dots move on her screen. Even if she was only fling to this girl, it was better than being nothing at all to her. 

"That's great. Glad it worked out." It felt void of emotion, and Dina frankly feels like she deserves it. "Are you texting in my class?" She adds a winking emoji to lighten the mood. "You Manny doesn't do shit when you aren't here? We are all hanging out in our groups talking about nothing." Of course, he didn't do shit. Just another dude who relied on Dina to take care of everything while he reaped the benefits. "Why don't you sneak out of class and meet me? I really want to talk to you." Devil horn emoji for emphasis. "You are a bad influence, Teach. Your place or mine?" She smiles big and stupid, catching a glimpse of it in the glare on her screen. "Mine." "BRT"

Dina pulls the truck into the gravel driveway for the first time and yanks the tailgate down. She thumbs the key in her hand—a new start, the perfect opportunity to try to leave all that baggage at the door. Telling the redhead how she really felt was out of the question at the moment, but she could make it clear that she liked her, quite a bit more than just a casual fling. She needed to slow down so as not to scare Ellie off. They could fall in love slowly; they had all the time in the world. "Patience Dina." She repeated it over and over as the red Jeep pulled behind the main house to stop behind her truck.

Ellie whistled as she looked at the small house in front of her. "Nice place." She winked, and Dina felt the mantra she had been repeated float away in her hitched breath. "Congrats!" "Thanks to Abby. She told her dad I would be a good tenant, and he lowered the rent?" Ellie smirked into her sleeve. "Yea thought you might have had something to with it too. Thank you. Seriously." Ellie twists her fingers in front of her and Dina wants to wrap her arms around the nervous girl in front of her.

"Do you maybe want to ask me about this morning?" Dina sighs and pats the space next to her on her tailgate. Ellie hops up next to her, swinging her Vans under the tailgate as she leans forward. "We adopted Cash in Seattle, and he's super attached to me, so I try to see him once a week to take him to the dog park. It's no..." Dina cuts her off. "You don't owe me anything, Ellie. You know that, right?" Ellie turns to look at her. Those green eyes look so vulnerable. "Look, I just got out of fucked up relationship, so I have no right to be upset about what you do." "But?" Ellie read her mind even if she didn't say it. "That has to be it. It's what you deserve. Whatever this..." She gestures a finger between the two of them. "Turns out to be; I'm going to ride it until the wheels fall off. Just tell me one thing?" 

Ellie leans back, using her long arms to prop herself up. "Sure." "Do you really like me still, or are you worried that rejecting me would mean me fucking you over at school?" Her green eyes go wide. Dina panics a little. Did she hit the nail on the head? "Now that you mention it." She nudges her strong shoulder into Dina, obviously teasing. Dina rolls her eyes playfully. "I really like you. Like really like you. Fuck, that's too many likes, huh?" The blush that creeps over her cheeks is so damn endearing Dina has to sit on her hands to avoid grabbing those cheeks and kissing her. 

"But?" Dina knows there's more. "I'm terrified of what happens if someone finds out. What if you lose your job and then hate me?" Dina winces. She hadn't even considered that. "That's a good point." "I can wait for you, you know if you want." Dina's face twists at the idea. That sounds fucking horrible. "Ellie, you have at least three years of school left, at least. You would wait for three years?" She leans back forward and shrugs so nonchalantly Dina can't comprehend how she is being so cool about this. "For you. Yea." She can't even help the vigorous head shake. "No! I can't see you every day for three years and not..." She wants to say love you, but that's too much just now.

Ellie smiles, all teeth and sparkling eyes in response. "So what do we do?" Dina knows she should have a plan. "We just keep it secret." Jackson is small, tiny by some standards. Most folks know one another or are separated by no more than two degrees of separation. This idea is fucking terrible. It means being cautious of being out in public, everywhere, all the time. But the alternative is not something Dina can stomach. Not being with Ellie cannot happen; Dina would quit that job before she agreed to that. "Are you sure? I just couldn't handle you hating me if you got fired. You have everything so together, and I'm just some student trying to figure it out. You sure it's worth it?" Oh. If only she knew the thoughts tormenting her as she wandered around the terrible apartments in South Park earlier."You are one hundred percent worth it." This time she does what she wants and wraps her fingers gently around Ellie's far cheek, pulling her in for a soft kiss. Ellie smiles on her lips, and Dina doesn't care about anything else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My family is in fact 6th generation New Mexican on both sides. We speak a version of 16th century Spanish that is largely dead throughout the rest of the world and is akin to the Queen's English. I am very lucky to have been influenced by incredibly strong women on all sides of my family. These badass women made me what I am today. 
> 
> Dina's story of struggling with her identity mirrors mine in some ways as well.
> 
> The conversation at the end was one my wife and I had. She wanted to wait until she graduated to pursue anything with me out of fear that I would be fired if we were discovered. Of course, I couldn't even fathom entertaining that. We do live in a relatively small city so things got really interesting, to say the least. We will get to visit some of those close calls and daring escapes in later chapters.
> 
> Thanks again to everyone who is reading, leaving kudos and comments. I appreciate you all.


	20. I am a visitor here, I am not permanent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why are girls so damn confusing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from The District Sleeps Alone Tonight by The Postal Service

"Hello?" His voice didn't lack surprise, even if he was trying to hide it. "Hi, Jesse. I wanted to know if we could meet up to talk about everything tonight or tomorrow?" His breath stuttered a little over the line. "Ok. When?" "Tonight preferably." It was Friday evening, and Dina desperately wanted to clear things up enough to move out over the weekend when she could get help from her friends. He sighed. The noise annoyed her. "That soon? I have to be in Wilson. What did you need to talk about?" She wanted to choke him through the phone. "Splitting everything up and me moving out. I need to get the rest of my stuff Jesse, and it's not fair to drag out our financial entanglements." Why did it always feel so impossible to get this guy to understand anything outside of himself?

"I can drive to Wilson to meet you if that's easier. We just need to get this done, please." She hears the annoyance in his sigh across the line. "Fine. Meet me at the station at 8." "Thanks." She tries to bite back the bitterness in her tone. He hangs up before she can say anything else, and for once, she is thankful for his little tantrum.

"Want me to come with you?" It was incredibly sweet of Ellie to offer, but Dina knows it would be a terrible idea. They are lying in the cushion cocoon of the Purp, watching another movie. Dina is tucked into Ellie's chest, thumbing at the top button of her flannel, one she had seen her in so many times in class it feels strange to be putting her hands on it now. "Don't you have work?" Ellie runs her hands through Dina's hair. "I quit that job?" Dina looks up in surprise. "Which one?" "The mall one." Part of her is excited at the prospect of spending more time with the redhead but the other half of her panics. Ellie had seemed so desperate for money just a few weeks ago. Still, she doesn't want to pry, so she just continues fiddling with the shirt's buttons.

"I think we're getting another roommate. Abby wants to anyways." Now that explains it. "Oh, yea?" Dina semi panics at the thought of another girl moving in with Ellie. Abby was bad enough. "I had to stop Abby from putting an ad on Craigslist last night. I don't want some rando living here." Dina smiles, and Ellie hugs her closer. "I was thinking..." Uh oh, that doesn't sound good. "About asking someone from school to move in. I mean, it makes sense. All of us are in college; we all would be respectful of that, you know?" Dina winces and frowns. That would make it impossible for the two of them to spend time together at this house. The risk of yet another student knowing their secret was too much.

Suddenly Ellie's phone buzzes on the coffee table. She wiggles out from under Dina, forcing her to sit up, so she can grab her phone. "Fuck." She mumbles into the screen as she types furiously. "I'm sorry. You.." She stumbles on her words. "You have to go. I mean. Fuck I'm sorry, but you can't be here." What the fuck? Dina was so confused by Ellie's mysterious and erratic behavior. This was like some fucked up merry go round. "Ooook." Dina yanked her shoes back on and made for the door as Ellie stood to grab her hand. "Wait. I." Dina stopped at the contact and turned to watch Ellie struggle to explain. "I promise I'll explain. Just you need to go. Quick, and umm, can you leave by heading the long way to your place? I'm sorry..." Dina's face twists. She can't hide her anger and frustration.

Ellie gives her a quick kiss on the cheek and rushes Dina out the front door. Dina wants to stand on the porch dumbfounded at having been effectively kicked out of the house in a rush, but she jogs towards her truck and turns around to head the long way back to her new place.

By the time she pulls into the gravel drive, she realizes she has no reason to be here. The house is still completely empty. She is feeling rather empty as well, at the moment, to be honest. She fires off a text to Chris. "Help!" He doesn't bother responding; instead, her phone rings. Before she can say hello, Chris starts in. "Dina, the g-spot is in and up, or so I'm told. Now stop texting me." If she wasn't so upset, it would have been a funny way to start the conversation.

"She just fucking kicked me out!" The tears are building up in her eyes, and she is fighting to keep her voice from quivering. "Well, that's..." Dina wants to finish the statement for him. Shady? Fucked up? Weird? Any of those would do. "It was like that night we almost..." "No. No. No. NO! I do not want to hear about your gross lesbian sex." She can picture him on the other end, gagging. "Ok, so she acts like she likes you, wants you even, and then all of a sudden stops or kicks you out or acts weird?" Dina nods stupidly like he can see her through the phone. "I am starting not to like her very much. This is some game playing bullshit. You need to tell her that." Dina sniffles against her hand. Easier said than done. How could she insist someone open up to her without giving away some of her feelings to buy that kind of trust?

"Do you need to meet up?" "I can't. I'm heading to Wilson in an hour to meet with Jesse." She hears him suck his tongue. "What the fuck for?" "To talk about splitting things and me moving out. Speaking of which, can you help tomorrow and Sunday." She is reasonably sure Chris is allergic to manual labor, but she needs more people who would even be permitted into Jesse's parent's home to help. "Can't." "Please, Chris. I just need..." "Nope, can't. I am sick." He coughs dramatically into the phone. "I feel like a bag of dicks." His voice strains theatrically. "Well, you are what you eat." She laughs at her own smart ass quip. "Fuck you, Dina. I was going to help, but since you called me a whore." "So tomorrow at 10am?" He sighs heavily into the phone. "I don't even like you." She smiles. "Thanks, Chris! For everything, seriously." "Fucking talk to her, Dina!" She hears him as she pulls the phone from her ear to end the call.

Driving to Wilson early means Dina has some time to calm herself in preparation for the horrible conversation she is about to have with Jesse. It also allows her to process what the fuck was going on with Ellie. One minute the redhead seemed so consumed by her, and the next, she was kicking her out. Was Riley coming over again? It isn't lost on Dina that Ellie has never invited her to hang out when Abby is home, so maybe Abby was on her way back? What if it was this new student roommate Ellie was hoping for? Dina couldn't help but feel like she was being kept at arms distance despite her yearning for more. It made her feel all the more desperate to gain entrance to all of Ellie's life.

She was at the fire station thirty minutes early. Her phone had been buzzing in her pocket for the last fifteen minutes of the drive. Her screen was littered with notifications from Ellie and one of a filthy GIF of an actual bag of dicks from Chris. Ellie's messages were all apologies. "I know you're on your way to Wilson, but can we talk after you're back?" "Fuck I'm sorry that was selfish. You might need some time after whatever you need to talk about." "Just call me whenever you want. I'm sorry." She seemed really worried that Dina was upset. Although it was evil, it made Dina feel better to leave her wondering how angry Dina really was. In truth, by this point, nothing the redhead could have done would have changed how Dina felt about her. And that, that was a very fucking dangerous thing.

Jesse looked how Dina felt inside. His eyes were pained, and his mouth curved down, forming an almost cartoon-like frown. She wanted to laugh because the whole thing felt contrived. Dina could picture him practicing this face in the mirror before he shuffled out of the bunk room to meet her in the kitchen. Maybe it was fucked up not to feel bad, but Dina remembered the bad things. The obvious hickies on his chest, the way he acted when grace was around in front of her. He didn't deserve much pity. They were both equally as fucked up, and Dina reminded herself they were on fairly level ground.

"Thanks for meeting up." He shrugged. "If we get a call, I need to go." "Of course." She pulled her phone from her pocket and opened her notes app to make sure they talked about everything. "You made a fucking list?" Of course she did. Dina was still organized despite her current reckless behavior. "Ok, bank accounts. You keep the joint one, remove me from it, and I'll open a new one. I already stopped direct deposit on my paycheck, so we don't need to worry about that." "What about savings." She grit her teeth. Was he fucking serious. "I already took that out." "Why? Shouldn't we split that?" Dina has to bite back her anger by chewing on the inside of her cheek. "No. We should not. It was my paychecks that went into that account for two years. Only mine. Those savings are mine." He opens his mouth to argue back, and she stops him. "This is not a divorce, Jesse. You are not entitled to half of all of the assets." He closes his lips after that.

Dina takes a deep breath and checks the item off her list. "Credit cards. I'm closing all of them. I think it's only fair if you pay the charges for your ticket to Houston and the golf clubs you bought over the summer." He scowls at her. "Come on, Jesse. Participate, please. Is that fair?" He has never done well with anyone telling him what to do; this time is no exception. He also hates discussing money, probably because he is so bad with it. "Whatever." "Ok, I expect you to pay it off by this time next year. Balance is $2084, and that means your monthly payments are like $174." She reads off the math she had included in the note. Jesse rises and walked to the notepad by the old phone on the wall. He writes down the figure and tears the sheet from the pad. Ok, progress.

"Can you not close that one, though? I think the interest rate goes up if you still have balance while they are closed." Sounds reasonable enough. This is all about compromise. "Sure." "What about the dirt bike?" Of course, he cares about that. "You can keep it. I bought it for you. It was a gift." He smiles faintly. 

"I get the SUV too." It's not a question, but she nods anyway. "If you keep paying on it and you promise to refinance and take me off the loan by the summer." "How much is the payment?" Well, of course, he doesn't fucking know. "$250 a month." "Fuck Dina!" She wants to laugh at his realization. He was the one that wanted that expensive vehicle. Now it's coming back to bite him in the ass. "Jesse, we can sell it." "What the fuck will I drive?" That's none of her concern anymore, but she can't bring herself to say it. He relents with a sigh and writes down the car payment on his scrap of paper.

"I am stopping the auto-withdrawal on your student loan tomorrow. This month has already come out, so we'll just call it even." She pauses to wait for him to ask how much it is, but he just scribbles down "student loan" on the paper. "What about this month's rent to my parents?" Dina almost chokes on her own tongue. "We literally broke up on the first of the month. I haven't lived there this month at all." He twirls the pencil in his hand. Dina wants to smack him for looking so smug. 

"What about the TV, bed, and dressers?" Dina is surprised he even considered the furniture. The Tv, she was expecting. "I'm taking the bed; you can have the rest." She figures it was more than a fair trade; besides, she had paid for all of it anyhow. "What the fuck am I supposed to sleep on?" This guy seriously wants everything and wants Dina to be stuck paying for it all. Maybe she shouldn't be surprised, but she is. For as much as she had repeated what a great guy he was, both out loud and to herself, it sure is a stark reality. "You can figure it out, Jesse." He responds by crossing his arms over his chest and huffing. This wasn't a good guy. He was a fucking child. 

"Can I come move my stuff out tomorrow?" This last part she knows is the one that she had no control over. "With who?" "I have some friends to help with the bed, but I'll handle the rest." He leans forward, uncrossing his arms. His eyes narrow as he almost spits, "She better not come in my house. My mom will be watching to make sure you don't take anything that isn't yours." Dina wants to laugh. What kind of grown man in his mid-twenties needs his mom to handle his business? "Of course." She chuckles.

"Alright. That's it." She exhales relief. After tomorrow it would all be over, finally. "That's it?" He parrots back in question format. "Yup. You know, I hope one day you and I can be friends. If anything, I feel like that's what we have been most of this time." His eyes ignite. "Fuck you, Dina! I loved you. We weren't friends. I wanted to marry you." And that's her cue. She stands and pauses to look at him one more, wondering how she ever convinced herself that this was her future. Neither says a word as she leaves the kitchen and shows herself out of the station's bay doors.

Andrenaline is coursing through her at such a fast rate that she feels light-headed. Almost without thinking, she unlocks her phone and hits call on Ellie's name. The adrenaline spikes in her once more as the other line rings. Once, twice "Hey!" The tone is both enthusiastic and guarded. Dina throws in the truck in reverse and pauses to respond. Once she is out of the parking lot, she starts. "Why did you kick me out?" Ellie stutters on the other end. "I...I can't say on the phone. Do you just want to come over, and I'll explain." Can't say on the phone? What the fuck was she into? "I'm just leaving the station now. But can you talk to me? That whole thing was kinda fucked." "Of course, Teach. Whatever you want from me." Really? Does she really mean that?

"What should we talk about? Sorry, I'm terrible at talking on the phone." Dina is getting on the freeway back to Jackson by now, and the two hadn't said much outside of the awkward conversation at the top of the call. "Tell me something I don't know about you. That you CAN say on the phone, I guess." 

Ellie hums on the other end, likely thinking. "I was adopted." Dina is surprised she revealed something so big so soon. "My mom died when I was born, and I spent most of my childhood in a sort of boarding school. When I was 14, Joel adopted me." Well, that explains who Joel is. "Your turn." Dina feels trapped. Now she has to match the gravity of that confession. 

"I don't really have a family anymore." She fights back sobs as she changes lanes. "Are they..." Dina stops her before Ellie can ask. "My dad has a new family. One less disappointing than me." She hopes Ellie doesn't pity her. "And my mom and older sister..." Her hands shake on the wheel. "They both died. In a car accident." Most people follow this revelation with pity. Dina had stopped telling people so she could avoid the shift in how they looked at her. She never wanted to hear another person say they were sorry in regards to this. She braces for one of those responses. "Well, your dad is missing out, and so are they, I guess." Dina smiles as the tears pour down her cheeks. Of course, Ellie gets it. Everyone who has experienced that level of loss should. "You're so sweet." "Just for you, sweetheart." "Cheesy." "You love it." And a truer thing has never been said. Dina does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Going back and writing this, it feels like a miracle that we both made it through all the angst and the outside forces trying to keep us apart in those earlier years. Both of us had so much baggage it was crazy we were able to get past and still deal with having to keep this whole thing secret.
> 
> Also, this break up is the "gift" that kept on giving. 
> 
> Thanks for all the love! It motivates me to write every day after a long day writing code.


	21. I swear to God I hope we fuckin' die together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie has something to confess to Dina.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Me and My Bitch by The Notorious B.I.G. (the song Ellie scratches over)

It's almost 9pm by the time Dina makes it back into town and parks in front of Ellie's house. What a long crazy ass day in an even longer week. Music pours from the living room as Dina approaches the porch and knocks. She can hear Ellie laughing behind the door, and the sound instantly brings a smile to her face.

A rush of weed smoke spills out of the living room when Ellie opens the door to pull Dina into a firm hug. "Hey, Teach." Dina finds herself forgetting about being mad earlier. All of her unanswered questions about why she was unceremoniously kicked out of this house fade away. Ellie loosens her grip to take Dina's hand and pull her into the living room. Dina misses those strong arms around her immediately.

Abby is in the kitchen, pulling a couple of beers from the fridge. Behind the turntables in the opposite corner is a random guy. Dina thinks she looks oddly familiar, but she can't place from where. He is trying to scratch a record, and it sounds like he is failing miserably. "Stop licking your fucking fingers and touching my vinyl," Ellie growls at him over her shoulder as she leads Dina to the Purp. He looks up, and his eyes flit straight to Dina. Fuck! She remembers him now. His face tells her he recognizes her as well. Neither can say a word before Ellie pulls Dina into the Purp and shuts the door.

"Sorry. Abby has a thing for douche bags, I guess. Owen is harmless, though." The mention of his name cements his identity to Dina. Now she is hoping to make it through the night without having to cop to knowing him. All she had to do was play it off. "Are you ok? I mean, after everything with your ex and our talk on your drive home?" Dina lets go of a tense breathe. Luckily Ellie thinks her trepidation is the result of other things and not the dude in her living room getting drool all over her records.

"I'm fine." She lies. "So, we going to talk about what you couldn't tell me over the phone now?" Ellie is fidgeting in her seat. It's obvious whatever she is about to share worries her. Dina sticks out a hand and rubs her palm over the redhead's shoulder. She doesn't go as far as to tell her it will all be ok. That isn't something she can promise without knowing what this confession is. But she wants Ellie to know that she is there regardless.

"Ok, I understand if after this you don't, like want to come around anymore or whatever." Dina pulls her hand back. This sounds bad, really bad. "Ok, here it goes. I quit my second job, right?" Dina nods faintly, watching Ellie's eyes look over her shoulder at nothing. "So I was able to do that because I have other income." Her eyes flit to a mason jar on the coffee table in front of the TV. It is filled to the brim with nuggets of dark green weed dotted with orange crystals. What kind of income? Dina feels like she is missing something. Ellie notices she is confused. "Fuck. I need to just say it plainly, huh?" Dina frowns. It's not her fault this girl had issues communicating. Her green eyes screw shut, and she just blurts it all out in one sentence, no breathes or pauses between words. "I...Isellweedtostudentsfromschool."

Dina wants to smack her. Holy fucking shit. She had built it up in her mind to something so much worse. Way fucking worse. While this wasn't exactly ideal, Dina didn't see marijuana as a "drug." A breath leaves her chest, and she can't help but grasp at her lungs in relief. Ellie looks at her, terrified. "Like I said. I get it if you don't want to be around. You have so much to lose, and I just..." "Fucking stop Ellie. It's fine. Well, not fine, but I'm fine." Ellie's shoulders relax as she watches Dina try to figure out how to navigate her confession. 

"So you basically have to see students all the time?" Ellie nods. "And they come over here?" Ellie nods again. "Most time, and since I don't want it to be obvious, I usually make them hang out for like an hour or so." Yet one more complication. How in the hell could they keep whatever is going on between them secret now? "So when you asked me about waiting?" Ellie nods. Dina entertains the proposition more seriously for a split second. It would be more practical. Ellie is clearly doing this to get through college; it would likely stop after graduation. 

Dina also thinks about the idea of dating someone who was technically involved in something illegal. What if she was implicated? What if Ellie got caught and got in trouble? Obviously, despite the age difference, Dina is just in a different place in her life. This isn't something she would even consider as an option, but who is she to judge. Fuck, she had shacked up with Jesse despite not liking him to avoid living in the dorms for another semester.

The door to the Purp flies open to reveal Owen standing there holding a record with a white label in his hand. "Ellie, do you have any more battle records?" Ellie scowls. "Dude, you don't touch a fucking record like that. You are dirtying the grooves with the oils from your fingers. No more scratching!" She gingerly takes the record from his clumsy hand and holds it around the edges with both hand's finger tips. 

"Well then, come show me how it's done!" "I am in the middle of something." She turns to look at Dina apologetically. "With your girl?" Ellie's green eyes stay on Dina. Dina is so curious about her response, but a wave of panic also rises in her. The answer to this question to result in Owen disclosing shit she would rather not bring up here and now. "This is Dina." How non-comital. "Oh, I know, Dina." The way he says it makes her want to disappear. Dina feels her eyes go wide as she looks at his smug smirk over Ellie's shoulders. Ellie turns to see him slyly leave the Purp. 

"You know him?" Dina rolls her eyes and lets loose an exasperated sigh. It's like the universe is conspiring against her. Every time she thinks they get over another barrier, something else comes up, making it more challenging to pursue this woman. As if everything they have had to deal with up till now wasn't enough. Fuck. "Yea, we might have met at a party my freshman year in college." Ellie's mouth makes an O shape. Dina knows she is connected dots. She braces in anticipation of the inevitable follow up question. But it never comes.

"I'm going to go spin for a bit to get this dude off my case. Cool?" Dina smiles. Really, she wants Ellie to hold her again and tell her that they can get through anything, including all the bullshit of the last 10 minutes. Dina rises and says a silent prayer to every deity in her lexicon that Owen stays away and doesn't say anything in front of Abby.

Dina slumps into the couch, wishing she could just wake up and start today over again. Abby and Owen are in the kitchen making out. It is fucking gross but not as disgusting as Dina feels after everything. Ellie slides between the wall, and the giant subwoofers hold her turntables. Once behind the decks, Ellie bends to rustle through a milk crate of vinyl at her feet. After fishing a record from its sleeve, Ellie inspects the grooves in the dim light and puts down on the platter. Dina is mesmerized by her movements. She never thought she had fetishes for certain activities or hobbies in her potential lovers, but Ellie proves that not to be the case. 

One record starts playing a familiar beat. It's an instrumental for a Biggie track. Dina knows the words by heart but doesn't repeat them. Ellie drops the needle on the other record and presses the headphones between her shoulder and ear as she spins in slowly on the platter with her right hand. Her hand moves into a steady back and forth cadence on the record as her other hand grips the fader between her two fingers. "I have to see this." Dina hears the mistrust in Owen's tone. This dude thinks she has no idea what she's doing, obviously. A small sweat breaks out on the back of Dina's neck. She hopes he isn't right.

Dina should know better than now to not trust Ellie. She cuts the fader over with a flutter of her fingers that makes her hands look like they are moving in super speed. Her other hand slowly pulls the record forward and back in measured movements. A symphony of stutters and clicks matches the cadence of the main instrumental in perfect harmony. Dina leans forward to stop her jaw from dropping. She watches both hands work their magic, one moving so slow and tender on the vinyl surface, the other moving the fader back and forth and different speeds. Ellie will often use all three fingers and her thumb to work it. You would have to lack a heartbeat, not to ponder what else she could do with those deft hands.

"Holy shit!" Dina is ripped from her thirsting by Owen's annoying yell. She hears Abby from the kitchen. "Told she was ridiculous." Owen turns to look at Abby behind him, and then he moves to sit next to Dina. There is plenty of room on the other couch; why does he need to come here? "So?" She scoots away from him a bit. "You like girls now?" Dina glares at him. "I guess that explains why you never called me." Dina laughs in his face. Luckily Ellie is consumed with her music, and Abby is still in the kitchen. "I didn't call you because it wasn't anything like that. "Oh, you in the habit of taking home dudes from a party and then leaving them in your dorm room alone, never to speak again?"

Dina finally makes eye contact with Ellie, hoping to convey she is uncomfortable. Ellie's hands slow and stop. She rises and starts towards the door. Owen's hand reaches for her wrist, and she pulls it back. "Don't fucking touch me." Yea, that was too loud. Abby comes out of the kitchen. Ellie ducks between the speakers and under the turntables. "Chill out. I was just asking." Ellie is in between them in seconds. Abby is watching everything with angry interest. "What's going on?" Dina was hoping to avoid this like the plague. Abby asking meant someone had to answer. Ellie looked at Dina as if to ask if she was ok. Owen stands and walks past the two women towards Abby. "Nothing. Dina and I were just catching up."

"Yea didn't look like that, was it." Abby cocks an eyebrow at him. He responds by grabbing the beer from her hand and downing it. His legs sway a little under him. Dina can tell he is drunk, getting drunker and experience tells her that nothing good comes of a drunk dude with a bruised ego. "Dina?" her eyes leave the calm waters of Ellies to look at Abby, poised for what she knows is coming. "How do you know him?" Dina looks back and Ellie, who seems equally as interested. Well, here we go. "We hooked up once after a party like 6 years ago. I haven't seen him since." He rolls his eyes. "Yea, because you're a fucking dyke." 

Ellie's eyes narrow, and before Dina knows it, Ellie is in his face. She rips the bottle from his hand and grabs him by the collar. Owen is taller and bigger than her, but it's easy for her to drag him to the front door in his inebriated state. "Don't come back around here again." She throws the door open and pushes him out. Abby is already down the hall going into her room. Dina is left standing in the middle of the living room, feeling like an asshole. The front door slams, and Ellie is back at her side in a second. 

"You ok?" Dina nods. "Are you?" Ellie hugs her. "Yea, I can handle that dude even sober." It's not why Dina was asking. She more so wants to know if Ellie is bothered that Dina had something with this dude, and now he clearly thinks that makes her promised to him in some sick way. "That's not what I meant." "Dina, we all have pasts." Now she has no choice but to look past Ellie's plan to pay for school. Not like she wouldn't have anyhow. She wraps her arms around Ellie's waist and leans into her chest. "Do you want to stay with me tonight." Does she ever. "Does this mean I get to see your room?" Ellie chuckles and kisses her forehead. "Not yet. I haven't had time to clean it. We can sleep in the Purp, though." Dina knows this means nothing outside of cuddling and kissing would be happening this even again. Considering the day's events, maybe that's better, but after her scratching exhibition, Dina wishes that wasn't the case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you have it. Ellie has been hustling to pay for art school. As if dating a student wasn't complicated enough.
> 
> This exchange with "Owen" really happened. A dude I dated in high school was seeing her roommate and it was awkward. She did have to kick him out for talking shit.
> 
> Again, the fact that we got through all this and still ended up together seems like a damn miracle now.


	22. Soft speak with a mean streak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dina moves out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Cigarette Daydreams by Cage the Elephant (another one my wife frequently plays)

Waking up next to Ellie is like the best kind of drug. Dina tries her best to still herself to avoid ending the moment. Ellie is snoring quietly right next to her. Of course, the cushions in the Purp are not all that comfortable, but Dina doesn't want to have woken up anywhere else in the world. 

The urge to pull the taller woman into her body grows by the second. Instead, she watches as Ellie stretches and opens one eye to catch her staring. "Morning." She looks adorable first thing in the morning; well, actually, she looks adorable all the time. "Hi." The last 24 hours have been shit, and the process of moving out of hostile territory means today will not be any better. But when Ellie rolls towards her to wrap her arms around the small of Dina's back, it feels like the best day ever. Dina nuzzles into her neck and smells her intoxicating scent. 

"Mmmmm, what are you doing today?" Dina answers by planting open-mouthed kisses under her jaw. Ellie melts over her. This should be incentive enough to clean her room now. Dina smirks at her ulterior motives. "I mean, this is nice, and all but this can't be all you have planned today." Ellie's chest is starting to rise and fall rapidly. "Oh? Just nice?" Dina nips at the tiny freckle just under Ellie's ear before pushing her away jokingly. This prompts Ellie to squeeze her and bury her forehead into Dina's shoulder. "Noooo. It's perfect." Dina smiles and is glad Ellie is burrowed into her neck and can't see how much the confession affects her. 

"Hmmm, can I move in here?" Dina runs her hands through the auburn locks, so thick and soft. "You already live here crazy." Ellie kisses the soft skin revealed by Dina's shirt slipping slightly from her shoulder. "No, right here, I mean." Another kiss, longer this time, makes Dina shiver. "Sure!" Her head tilts to allow the new "owner" better access. "My home," Ellie mutters into Dina's neck. Dina giggles, fucking giggles. She never thought of herself as the giggling type, but this woman does something to her.

"I am moving out today." Ellie stiffens a little against her. "Do you need help." Her lips are still against her new "home." It is hard to formulate proper answers while her breath snakes up to the small hairs nearby. "I can't have you going into Jesse's parent's house." "Why? Will he be there?" Ellie pulls away from Dina's neck to brush some hair behind her ear and gaze into her eyes. "No. But his mom will, and that's worse, trust me." Ellie grimaces. "I hate that you have to do this alone." "I'll have Cat and Chris." "Fuck, that's worse! Those two do not look like they could lift a box if they needed to." Dina snickers into the cushions under her and smacks at Ellie's chest. "Let me get Abby to help you. His mom wouldn't say shit about her, right?"

I mean, technically, Abby wasn't Ellie, and Jesse had only requested that Ellie not go in the house. It was a stretch but could work. Of course, this would mean possibly dealing with last night's shit show. On top of that, asking Abby for help wasn't something she really wanted. "I appreciate it, but I don't think it's the best idea after last night." Ellie scoffs. "She's fine, trust me. Watch!" Ellie jumps over Dina and throws the door open. "Abbs!" She yells down the hall. Dina sits up, shocked. Abby wanders in from the kitchen, holding another bowl of cereal. This must be her usual breakfast. Dina wants to crawl away and disappear. "Do you want to lift some heavy shit today?" Abby shrugs and takes another spoonful of cereal. "Always," she mumbles with her mouth full. Ellie spins to see Dina trying not to look horrified. "See? Settled." 

By 9am Dina, Cat and Abby are out in front of Jesse's parent's house. Of course, Chris is late because he never shows up on time when it's something he doesn't want to do. Dina still has a key to the place, but she rings the bell instead of just walking in. Robin opens the door and eyes both Cat and Abby up and down over Dina's shoulder. She knows the older woman is trying to figure out if one of these women behind her is Ellie. "Hi, Robin. These are my friends Abby and Cat. Is it ok if they help me get my stuff?" She shouldn't have to ask or even make it clear who they are, but anything to make this go more smoothly is a worthwhile endeavor. Robin nods and pulls the door open enough to let the trio in.

"I figured we would start with the bed and then get my clothes?" She poses it as a question to make Robin feel comfortable. It appears to work as Jesse's mom nods, and Dina leads teh group towards the bedroom. "Then I can grab the things from the garage." "Jesse didn't mention anything in the garage, just the bedroom. What do you have in there?" Dina clinches her jaw. She hopes Abby and Cat keep their mouths shut, and she praises Chris for being too late to hear this conversation. No way in her he would have been quiet. "The camping stuff is mine." "Oh. I'll have to make sure since he didn't mention it." Dina digs her nails into one of her palms. Only a few more hours, and this would be over.

She opens the door to the bedroom and lets Abby and Cat in behind her. Robin loiters just outside the door with her phone already in her hand, messaging Jesse; Dina is willing to wager. The mattress is bare already, ready for her to take it out. How fucking petty he stripped it so she wouldn't take the sheets, sheets he now had no mattress to use on. "Abby, this is the biggest thing I need help with. The rest I can probably manage with Cat." "You sure you don't help with the camping gear?" She gives Dina a knowing glance. It surprises her. Maybe Abby wasn't so bad after all. "It's not that much stuff. Thanks, though." 

The three women pull the mattress from its base and lean it up against the wall. Dina pulls the wrench from her back pocket. She knew no in this house would help her with tools to disassemble the frame, so she came prepared. "Umm. Are you taking the frame too?" Dina looks up from the bolt she has just fixed the wrench on. "Yes. Jesse and I discussed that I would keep the bed." She wants to add that the frame is part of the bed, and the fucking sheets and duvet as well, but no need to turn this more hostile than this woman is trying to make it. "He didn't say the frame." Dina pulls her phone from her pocket. "I can call him?" Abby is standing with her back towards the older woman, and Dina can tell she is trying extra hard not to say anything. Dina reaches the wrench out to her. Keeping her busy seems like the best way to distract her. Cat is standing in the corner wide-eyed.

The line rings over and over until it goes to voicemail. "He isn't answering." Robin taps on her phone with a single index finger. "He just messaged me. He wants the frame." Dina knew this kind of shit was about to happen. She turns to Abby, who tosses the wrench aside and stands. This was not worth arguing over. "Cat, will you take the back, and Abby and I can handle the front?" Cat nods. She barely has to lift with Abby next to her. They move out to the truck swiftly, and Dina opens the tailgate to load the mattress. Robin watches the whole thing from the open front door. Dina tosses Abby her keys. "Can you and Ellie manage at my place?" Abby nods and gets in the cab. No sense in taking any time out of the house for this woman to cause more trouble.

Abby returns with Dina's keys and stays, moving boxes and black trash bags as fast as the two other women fill them. Chris shows up as Dina moves the last of the second load into the back of the truck. "Nice of you to join us." "Fuck Dina. I told you I was sick." "Yea, bag of dicks, right." You can go to the new spot and help Abby and Ellie unload. Cat and I are almost done in there." Truthfully Dina doesn't want Chris to start shit. Chris hops in the passenger side, and the two head towards her new house. Cat taps Dina on the shoulder as they turn to head back inside. "Ok?" "Let's just get this done." The tattooed woman nods.

Dina heads to the bathroom to collect the last of her products she left behind. An extremely overwhelming smell hits her when she opens the door. In the trash, she notices her perfumes dumped, spray pumps removed to show they are empty. Well, someone is in his feelings. She turns to look at Robin, considering asking if this is the kind of "man" she raised. In the end, she gathers what she still wants and leaves the bathroom before she chokes on the smell. 

"Excuse me." Dina stops in the hallway in front of Robin. She is standing in front of the hall closet. Dina needs something essential from there. "What do you need from the closet?" She asks in such a fake friendly tone Dina wants to puke. "My mother's Menorah." If this bitch thinks for one second that Dina isn't taking this, there's going to be a fight. This was the one thing she cared about in the entire house. The rest of the shit she could have let go if need be. Robin moved aside slowly, watch Dina's hands grab for the precious heirloom with a scowl.

Once the last boxes from the room were loaded, Dina returned to the front door to talk with Robin. "What did Jesse say about the camping gear?" Robin watched her three helpers talking by the truck in annoyance. "He said you two didn't agree on it." Dina turns to leave, and she watches in horror as Chris wheels around with Cat's hand tightly around his arm. She barely makes out her plea. "Chris, don't..." But it's too late. When he makes up his mind about something. "I'm about to read this bitch!" Dina knows even she can't stop him now.

"Hey!" Robin stops from shutting the door all the way. "Your precious son. Did he tell you he was cheating on her?" Robin squints at him. "That's right, you haven't raised a good man! What kind of mother are you?" Oh shit, Dina steps behind him, intending to drag him out of the front yard. "He is a feeble man child who needs his mommy to do his dirty work. Is he still breastfeeding? Ween him off the fuckin tit lady! He's almost 30, for fucks sake!" Dina wants to laugh as she steps in front of him and gently pushes him backward. "Enough." Dina tries to calm him. "Please go to the truck." He sighs, but before he can turn to walk away, Robin responds. "You know Dina, I would expect this sort of trash from you. You and your queer friends are sick." Both her's and Chris's eyes flash after that. Dina wheels around in front of Chris. "What did you just say?" Robin starts to close the door. "You terrible excuse for a human. You disgust me. Chris is right. Jesse is a terrible person and no wonder, look at his example. You are the sick one! You tell your baby boy I am coming for the camping gear, or I will be repossessing his dirt bike. I still have the title on it." She sneers at her leverage as she turns to pull Chris away. "Ride someone else's dick other than your kid's." Chris spits over his shoulder, and Cat is in the bed of the truck, cradling the menorah and laughing hysterically. "What? I said what I said." The door slams, and Dina feels like breaking down. She climbs into the driver's seat, and Abby hops in the bed with the boxes, and they take off down the street.

By the time they pull into the gravel drive, Dina's phone is vibrating in her pocket. She knows it has to be Jesse; everyone else she actually cares to talk to is now in front of her new house. She yanks on the emergency brake and stretches for her phone. Chris grabs her hand. "Don't." Ellie comes up to the window and leans in to unlock the door and open it. Abby has likely already told her what was going on before Dina even got back in the truck. Her phone stops and then instantly starts up again. Ellie pulls Dina from the cab and into her arms. Chris, Abby, and Cat head inside, leaving Dina to break down in Ellie's embrace. The redhead doesn't say a word, instead rubbing circles over Dina's shoulders and back. Her phone stops and starts again. "Fuck!" Ellie reaches into her back pocket and holds down the power button. "Ok?" She hands Dina the now silent phone, and Dina nods in thanks. Ellie wraps her up again and whispers into her ear. "It's over." Dina sighs and wonders how she ever could picture herself anywhere else other than here, in Ellie's arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone asked in the comments if Jesse is what my ex was actually like. The answer is yes. Allow IRL no parents were present for moving out, but there were debates and fights over what stuff was whose. I did lose out on the camping gear, dirtbike, dressers, TV, pots and pans, and some other trivial things. The big win was I got both of the dogs though so who cares!
> 
> Thanks for the support and apologies for the typos. I write these and post them right after. No beta so sorry if things are rough.


	23. Only you alone can quench this jah thirst

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie decides to clean her room ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Night Nurse by Gregory Isaacs

"Let me know when you get furniture because otherwise, I know you're only inviting me over to help you unpack." Dina laughs at Chris's bitchy farewell. "Thank you, Chris." She wants to hug him, but she knows it will make him angrier. The house is empty now. Abby left soon after they dropped off the last load from Jesse's house. Cat had a date to get ready for, and Ellie had work at 5pm. Dina glances around the mess of boxes in the living room. Aside from those boxes, there is nothing else. She wanders into the bedroom and looks at the bare mattress on the ground, flanked by empty boxes and piled with folded clothes; it's a pretty sad scene. Dina flops onto the mattress, utterly exhausted. She grabs a folded hoodie from the top of the pile at her feet and covers her shoulders. Soon she is fast asleep, wanting desperately to forget how crazy the day had been.

"What are you doing?" The text is over an hour old. Dina groans into the empty room. "I was asleep." Her fingers work fast. It's dark outside, and Dina confirms she has been asleep for almost three hours. The house was quiet and warm, but it didn't feel like home, not yet anyhow. "Oh, what I wouldn't give to be in bed with you right now!" Ellie's response makes Dina's cheeks flush. She starts to type out a snarky response about Ellie, not letting her into her bed or even her damn room, but she stops. "Trust me, this is a sad excuse for a bed. No sheets, no frame, no blankets or pillows." Subtly is more powerful sometimes, she tells herself as she hits send. "Damn. You're right. That's not a bed. Where are you sleeping tonight?" Dina wants to jump at the chance to tell Ellie with her, but she doesn't want to push it. She knows the redhead has her secrets for whatever reason. It's obvious Ellie wants to take this slow, almost painfully so. Dina had never felt a more intense attraction, and the fact that Ellie seems to so easily keep herself restrained digs at Dina's ego. Maybe the attraction isn't mutual?

"I guess back at Cats. I can't handle another night on the cushions of the Purp tbh." Come on, Ellie, get the hint. "Well..." The three dots taunt her for far too long. "I guess I could clean when I get home." "Oh? Well, don't let me put you out or anything. Damn." Dina smirks. Did Ellie mean it? "Whatever. Are you sure you ready to see my room?" Dina sits up in bed. Is this girl serious? Dina is fairly certain Ellie is asking something else veiled by this farce about her room being dirty. "I wanted to see it the first time I went over there! More like, are YOU ready for me" She purposely leaves the punctuation off the last sentence as if there was more to follow. She leaves it dangling, making it obvious what she expects to happen if Ellie cleans her room. The three dots dance on the screen and disappear several times. It takes forever. "Teach! I'm at work." Dina snorts. She can picture Ellie fumbling her phone in her hands. Dina responds with nothing but a devil emoji. Ellie responds with a heart eyes emoji. "I'll be home by 11:30."

Dina runs through the dark house and into the bathroom. She doesn't even have a shower curtain, so a bath will have to suffice. It's already almost 11:00, no time to go buy a curtain anyhow. Dina gets ready with all the nerves and fervor of a first date, but this is more. It's been too long since Dina got ready, well, for whatever was going to happen tonight, in Ellie's clean room. She is nervous, beyond nervous. "OMG I'm freaking out!!!" Cat is likely still out on her date, but Dina needs backup. "What!?" "I need help with..." How do you tell someone you have no idea how to have sex over text? This is crazy. "What, Dina? Are you ok?" Dina just stares at the response. She tries to figure out to word this so many times in her head that she isn't sure what exactly she is asking anymore. "Dina! Tell me, or I'm calling you." Oh, right! Cat is waiting for her to finish the start of her last text. "Ellie is cleaning her room." She hits send with a prayer that Cat will get it, and she won't have to elaborate. "OK?" Shit, she doesn't get it. "And I'm staying over." "Yea. You stayed there last night too. So?" Fuck, this is so hard. "Yes, but this time I'll be staying in her room." "Because she is cleaning it. OK?" At this point, Dina is fairly confident Cat is fucking with her. "Fuck, Cat! We are going to have sex!"

Cat responds with a litany of sexually explicit emojis that make Dina blush. She groans and drops the phone face down on the bathroom cabinet as she brushes her teeth. Her phone buzzes several more times as she fills her mouth with mouthwash. "Sorry. I couldn't help it." "So what is it exactly you need help with?" This was so humiliating. Cat was making her spell it all out. "I have no idea what I'm doing." Dina is reluctant to hit send, but she needs help; at least she feels like she does. "Oh! Ok, umm. It's just like handling things yourself, you know, but for someone else now." Dina blushes. That was NOT what she needed help with. "Yea, ok. But what about other things I can't do to myself? I mean, what do I do? Like what do I expect?" Thank gawd Chris isn't reading this. "Go to the kitchen. Get some Saran Wrap, run in under water, stick it to your face, and try to breathe." Dina is so wracked by nervousness and anxiety that she almost went to search her empty cabinets for the plastic wrap she knew she did not have. "Wait?" "That's what to expect." Dina has flashbacks of almost drowning in Elephant Butte as a kid. "Suffocation? I am going to be suffocated!?" "LMAO, no, it's just messy and hard to breathe. Look, you'll be fine. I promise you will figure it out fast. It will be ok, Dina." 

Dina huffs and leaves the bathroom to grab something to wear. Pajamas seem like the best bet, but Dina is more concerned about what is under them. Without a dresser, and with all her things still in boxes, Dina tries to find her most attractive undergarments. By 11:27, Dina has given up on finding anything she deems "sexy" enough. She resigns to wear a simple matching black cotton set, and she rushes out into the cold night, anticipation prickling at her skin more than the cold air. "Please don't let me suffocate tonight." She says it out loud as she starts her truck and pulls away from the gravel drive.

Abby's car isn't in the driveway, and Dina gets even more excited than she already was. Ellie meets her at the door before she even makes it to the porch. "Hey" She has a lazy smile on her face. Her work polo is still on, although untucked, and she is barefoot. Dina doesn't answer her greeting, instead opting to jump at her to give her a long, firm kiss. Ellie smiles into her lips, and Dina wants to demand to see her room immediately. The redhead runs her hands through the damp curls at the base of Dina's skull, and her knees go weak. How does this woman not know what she does to her? Ellie plants a kiss on her cheek for good measure. "Come in." She pulls away from Dina to yank her into the warm living room. Dina tries to calm herself, so she doesn't come off as too desperate. No one wants to beg, well, not so early on anyhow. Dammit, Dina, focus. "How was work." She collapses onto the couch as Ellie undoes her belt. Was she fucking with her on purpose? "It was ok. I had to stock, so I'm pretty sweaty. Do you care if I shower?" Dina admonishes herself for the lack of foresight. They could have showered together. "Of course." She wants to add some witty tease about just getting sweaty again all over, but she doesn't. "You hungry?" Ellie smiles, all teeth and sparkling green eyes. "Of course you are. I can go pick us up something? Any requests?" "Surprise me." And she disappears down the hall.

Now, this was an impossible task. How do you pick something to eat at almost midnight that is "sexy" and doesn't leave you feeling like shit? Dina settles on ramen from a late-night ramen house. Their portions were huge, and food after, well, you know, would be a necessity. On her way back, her phone rang. "Hello?" "Cat just texted me and said you're having lesbian sex tonight?" Why did Cat have to tell Chris? "And yet somehow you still decided it was a good idea to call me?" "Ugh. Don't be all bitchy. Just remember to cry. Lesbians love that shit!" Dina scowls as she pulls back into the driveway, behind Ellie's Jeep. "I will not cry, Chris. I don't cry during sex." "Yea, sure! All lesbians cry during sex!" "Byeeee Chris!" She hangs up in a huff. Now she's even more nervous than before. Maybe she had built this up to be something bigger than it actually was. Dina isn't a virgin; there is no way this will be that different. She shrugs off her anxiety and marches back into the house to set up their dinner at the bar.

Despite her earlier pep talk, the bathroom door opening makes her nervous all over again. She hears the door to Ellie's room shut, and Dina busies herself with prepping her bowl of ramen, adding in soy sauce, some Sriacha, and extra bean sprouts before mixing it with one of her chopsticks. Ellie comes out in boxers and a long-sleeved shirt. Her hair is still dripping down her back. Dina's mouth waters, and it's not for the delicious ramen in front of her. "Ramen, huh?" Dina nods, distrusting that her own voice would not come out in a squeak. She digs into the bowl with her chopsticks in one hand and a plastic spoon in the other. Ellie watches her intently as Dina slurps up some broth with a mouthful of noddles. "Wha?" Her mouth is still full. "You just eat it so proper. It's cute." She swallows and shrugs. "Why? Because I use chopsticks?" Ellie nods. "I can't use them." Dina turns to her and smiles. "I couldn't either, but you know, Jesse..." She gets pissed at herself for even mentioning him, but she continues. "He's Japanese, so it was a requirement to date him or whatever." Ellie snorts as she opts for a fork. "That seems silly." Dina nods. "I ate everything for a week with chopsticks to learn enough for him to take me out to a sushi restaurant." Ellie slurps up a noddle. "Sorry." She mumbles. "No, it's considered good manners to slurp. Anyways, eating fried eggs with chopsticks, that shit was hard." Ellie smiles, tight-lipped with her mouth full. 

"So, what are your requirements?" Dina looks at her sideways. "For?" "For dating you or whatever." Dina sets her chopsticks over the bowl to take a drink of her water. "I don't think people should have those. I mean, like, sure, the person can't be a psycho or a murderer, but to have deal-breakers be shit, like can they eat with chopsticks? Naw, that's silly." Ellie twists noddles against her fork. "True. What did your chopstick ability tell him about you?" Dina sighs. "I think he and his parents have expectations about what type of woman he should marry. I just didn't fit the mold." "His huge, massive loss." Dina smiles into her bowl as she slurps some more broth.

"What about you? What are your requirements?" Dina smirks after asking the question. "I like smart women. Usually with darker features. Usually taller than me." She winks at Dina, but if Ellie is teasing, Dina is not amused. Riley is definitely taller than Ellie; that much was obvious. "And of course, they have to be my teacher, or I'm not into it." She shoves another forkful of noodles into her mouth. "Damn, too bad I don't check all the boxes. I guess I wasted a ramen dinner on you, huh?" Dina is only partly teasing. She is bummed that she isn't Ellie's dream girl. Especially since Dina can't picture anyone more made for her than the redhead. "Umm, you did catch that I said usually and not always, right?" Dina rolls her eyes. Ellie leans back in her stool and gives Dina that sideways smile. That should be classified as an illegal weapon in all fifty states and US territories. 

Once they're done eating, Ellie gets up and puts their leftovers in the fridge. "You tired?" Dina doesn't know what to say. If she says yes, will they just go to bed? But if she says no, will they not go to bed? "I guess?" Ellie seems to get what she means. "I need to pick up my room, ok?" Dina shoots her an exasperated face. "That wasn't a cover? You were serious?" Ellie smiles over her shoulder. "Well, it was partly true." She winks, and Dina feels a heavy weight settle in her core. She better not take too long to pick up!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said she decided to clean it, not she already cleaned it! Patience. ;p
> 
> The conversation with Cat was a real conversation I had with a male friend after I came out. It amused me back then so had to include it here.
> 
> Also, my ex was part Japanese, and using chopsticks properly was a "requirement." I did legitimately eat everything for a week with chopsticks to practice. Fried eggs were impossible at first. 
> 
> In other news:  
> SPECIAL SHOUTOUT to The Last of Us II for winning GOTY last night at the game awards. Very well deserved. I personally have never had such a visceral reaction to a video game in my life. Very few have made me cry and none have made me so stuck on the stories of their characters like TLOU2. It is truly a masterpiece and deserves all the awards IMO. 
> 
> Can we just pause to appreciate that a game with a lesbian protagonist, a bi character, AND a trans character won GOTY!!!


	24. I'm gonna give it to you just how you want it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ::blushes::

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Morning by Teyana Taylor ft. Kehlani (if you have no seen this video then you are doing yourself a great injustice because OMG!)
> 
> Sorry this is a late update for today but technically it is 11:59 my time so it's still today ;)

Ellie is gone just long enough to allow Dina's self-doubt to creep back in. She wonders if Ellie is rushing around her room, feeling the same. No sooner did she think than Ellie flung the door open. "Ok. It's clean." Dina chuckled with nervous energy. Clearly, this room was not the mess Ellie had been selling it as. Making her way down the darkened hallway, Dina reminds herself that this is no big deal. It's a fucking lie.

Ellie's room is cluttered. The two dressers are topped with a collection of vinyl, spray cans, and empty mason jars. Her drafting table is the cleanest surface in the room. It sits beside the bed that is pushed into the far corner. It's a big bed, and at least it's made. Dina smirks and turns to look at Ellie, who is opening up her laptop on the drafting table. "This is clean?" She cocks her eyebrow. Ellie doesn't turn around; instead, her shoulders just shrug. "So you gonna tell me why I couldn't see all this?" Ellie puts on a playlist, some sort of indie rock by the sounds of it. "I..." She stutters as she swivels around to lean on the drafting table. She is blushing already, and the sight gives Dina the confidence she needs.

Dina smiles wickedly and makes her way towards Ellie and the bed. "Well..." "Shut up and kiss me." Ellie looks surprised, but she pulls Dina into her by her lower back. The kiss intensifies, and Dina is fighting not to come apart at the seams so soon. She pulls away with a gasp to catch her breath, the room suddenly feels so hot, and her clothes are too obtrusive. Ellie glances over Dina's shoulder before moving to the door to shut it and lock it. Dina imagines that the way this makes her feel inside was similar to how Ellie felt the first time she locked the classroom door behind them. Except Ellie dials it up a notch and hits the light. The laptop screen bathes the room in blue light, and Dina is mildly sad it isn't daytime. She really wants to see.

Dina jumps across the bed, towards the wall, and settles over the covers. Everything smells like Ellie, and she decides this is the best bed she has ever been in. Ellie makes her way over to the bed and pulls off her t-shirt. Dina remembers the first night they spent together at Cat's and pulls her shirt off also. The redhead turns to her, looking almost scared. "You know we can just go to sleep if you want." The suggestion pisses Dina off. She is fighting so hard to not lose her nerve already. Ellie turns and lays quietly next to her, still waiting for an answer. Dina realizes she is going to have to make the first move. 

Without much more thought, she lunges forward, wrapping one leg over Ellie's hips, and kisses her, slowly. Ellie responds by grabbing Dina's bottom lip between her teeth and tugging. The move takes Dina by surprise. All the number of times they have kissed have never been like this, slow, languid, dirty. Dina is breathing through it as best as she can, but her hands start trembling as Ellie pulls her closer. To hide her nerves, Dina pushes Ellie's shoulder back with considerable force. The redhead lays back on the bed, and Dina pulls herself up, straddling Ellie's pelvis. Those green eyes go wide as Dina leans in to kiss Ellie along her jaw. At some point, she nips below her ear, and Ellie squirms. Dina becomes keenly aware that she did that; she made this woman squirm. 

Ellie's strong hands snake up her arms to her shoulders and then onto her neck. One hand gently winds into the small curls at the base of her skull, and Dina is thankful her hair is down right now. She almost collapses forward from the sensation as she bites down on the soft skin between Ellie's neck and shoulder to keep from moaning. In return, the woman under her moans. Dina needs to hear that noise again immediately. She needs to hear it forever, on like a daily basis. Ellie's bra strap gets moved to the side, and Dina finds herself dying to see the rest of this other woman's body. It wasn't that she hadn't ever seen another woman naked; it's just those were very different circumstances.

The freckles on the redhead's chest paint a trail that dips below the cups of her bra, and Dina is pissed it's in her way. "Can I?" She pulls at the cup, and Ellie Sits up enough to unclasp her bra from behind. Dina suddenly panics. This was the real; she was about to touch another woman's boobs. What if Ellie thinks she's bad? Or worse, what if Dina doesn't like it? Ellie seems to sense her hesitation. "Can I take yours off?" Dina nods as Ellie sits to wrap her arms around her and remove it carefully. Dina marvels at how easy it was for her. Every guy she had been with had struggled, leading to her having to stop the moment and remove it herself. She shrugs it off her shoulders slowly. The fear was not about Ellie touching her. Ellie nuzzles into her neck and mumbles. "My home." Dina smiles into her hair. It lightens the mood and takes the pressure off Dina just enough to push their bare chests together, and holy shit. She knew being with a woman would be different, but no one told her about the softer, smoother skin. Ellie is running her fingers up and down Dina's back, and Dina gets the nerve to palm Ellie's breast softly. The world fades, and it's all Ellie, bathed in blue light, skin softer than anything Dina has had under her lips.

Her lips slowly resume following the trail of freckles down to the soft flesh in her palm. Her breath stutters as her partially opened lips graze Ellie's nipple, and the redhead arches into her. Dina's mind explodes, and her hands resume shaking as they snake further down to Ellie's firm midsection. Good gawd, this woman's body was perfection. Those strong hands on her back have made their way down to her hips, and in one sudden move, Ellie grips the top of them and pushes Dina down onto her. This time Dina has no defense against letting out a whimper against Ellie's firm nipple.

Desperation overflows in her body as Ellie pushes and pulls her hips on top of her. Dina moves back up to kiss Ellie to keep from losing all control and screaming. This kiss is frantic as they breathe gasps and moans into one another's mouths. Dina's hand quickly snakes between their bodies, down Ellie's torso before starting to dip below her boxers. She had expected her fingertips to hit more fabric under them, but she panics where all she feels is short, soft skin above short, coarse hair. Breathe, Dina, just breathe. For some reason, her mouth waters, and she hides it by sucking onto Ellie's neck again.

All the times she has touched herself have thankfully prepared her for what is about to happen, but it is a whole different ballgame when it's someone else under your fingers. The skin is alluring and soft, and Dina almost moans when she realizes Ellie is wet. Was the for her? Holy fuck! Her hand stills as she tries not to panic, but before she builds herself up enough to continue downward, Ellie throws her onto her back and lands one thigh between Dina's legs. The pressure she applies immediately makes Dina moan louder than she is comfortable about for over the clothes action.

Ellie begins ravishing her neck, chest, and breasts, and Dina is falling apart under her. No one has ever worshiped her like this. Dina always thought foreplay just meant neck kissing and hands. But this, this is a whole other level. It has her losing her mind, feeling more desperate than she ever thought possible. Dina rakes her nails up and down Ellie's back, marveling at her muscles tense under the touch. Goosebumps break out over the taller woman's bare skin, and Dina knows she is having the same effect on Ellie as she is having on her. 

A small tug on her sweats' waistband lets Dina know just what Ellie is asking for. As the redhead sits back, Dina surprises both of them by pulling off everything remaining, socks included. Ellie rolls to the side, looking terrified, and it is so cute and amusing to see her flustered. Dina can barely make out the red hue spreading from her kiss swollen lips up to her cheeks. It is different than her usual blushes Dina is used to seeing. "Your turn." Dina looks at her boldly, trying not to burn up under Ellie's lustful gaze at her naked body. Ellie slowly pulls the boxers from her sharp hips, and Dina adds, "Socks too." Ellie smiles at her, looking almost confused. "You have a foot thing or something?" That sense of humor saves the day again, and fuck is it sexy. "No! Just think it's weird to have sex with socks on. If your pants are off, no socks." She shrugs like it makes all the sense in the world, and Ellie chuckles. 

"Any other rules I need to know about?" Dina rolls her eyes and sits up to pull Ellie back on top of her. If shirtless felt good, this was heaven. Ellie wiggles to slot her hips between Dina's legs, and a spark of nervousness tingles up her spine. "You...you know I've never done this with a woman before, right?" Ellie tilts her head slightly to the side, and her eyes are suddenly so soft Dina wants to wrap her up in a hug and tell her all the things she feels for her. It is a look of pure understanding and adoration. "We don't have to do anything you don't want to, ok?" Dina smiles in return, no one has ever looked at her like this, and it is making so many emotions build in her. Maybe Chris was right? Do lesbians cry during sex?

"Just tell me what you want, ok?" Dina curses herself for stopping Ellie from doing what she wants spontaneously. Dina pulls Ellie in for another slow, loose kiss. "I need you to do whatever you want." It is the first time Dina has used this tone with Ellie, and the redhead responds immediately, dipping her hand between Dina's legs. Both moan at the sensation. Dina's body feels frantic, and she is so close to begging it's almost embarrassing. "Is this ok?" Ellie's voice is a deep whisper right into her ear, and she moans at the sound. That fucking voice. Every variation is better than the last, Dina tells herself as she nods.

Her body loses control as she wraps her legs around Ellie's waist. The two rock in a slow rhythm as Dina breathes moans up into the air. Luckily no one is home because she is not sure how quiet she can keep being. Ellie joins in the symphony with soft moans of her own, and Dina cannot believe the redhead is enjoying this that much.

"Can I?" Ellie asked it into Dina's mouth before finishing her sentence with a swipe of her tongue over Dina's bottom lip. No need to spell it out. Dina knows what she's asking, and it makes her nervous. She has had someone go down on her a handful of times. It was usually something reserved for special occasions or when she begged for it. This time it was the main event, and she isn't sure how she feels about it. Every guy had seemed highly unenthusiastic about it. So much so that Dina had never had an orgasm that way. Part of her had always wondered if that was possible since, in all of her experiences, it was brief, tentative, and far too soft to convince her otherwise. Either way, something tells Dina this will not be like all those other times. "Please." She can't help begging as the answer.

Ellie kisses and caresses herself down Dina's body. She is writhing in anticipation and nerves. Hopefully, Ellie wouldn't be disappointed if this doesn't work. Dina props herself up to lock eyes with Ellie as she sucks on the insides of her thighs. Suddenly she gets incredibly insecure. "You don't have to, you know? Your hands were great." Ellie looks at her, slightly worried. "Do you not want me to?" Dina doesn't know how to answer this because how do you explain all of these worries when someone's face is between your legs? "No. I mean, yes I do, but I..." She stops herself and sighs. "Just relax. I promise I will do my best to make you feel good ok?" Dina covers her eyes with her arms and nods. She tries to prepare herself, but she is not prepared.

The first lick makes her moan obscenely. Holy shit, no way that was her tongue. That had to have been her finger. Maybe she snuck her thumb in there? But then she feels her suck in and exhale a breath against her. Dina moans again and again. "Fuck!" She smacks her hand over her mouth. Dina isn't quiet behind closed doors, but she usually has to force it. This time it is entirely involuntary. She thinks she can feel Ellie smile against her. 

The redhead's chin is pushing into the wetness, causing an overwhelming sensation. Her tongue is flicking quickly, and Dina clamps her eyes shut. How is this her mouth!? "Fuck. Oh my god." The words and moans pouring from her mouth are increasing in volume and frequency. Her hands thread into the auburn locks obscuring her view. Dina stops herself from yanking on them and pulling Ellie's mouth harder into her. Ellie moans against her, and she stares down to meet those green eyes looking at her from over top her pubic bone. It is the sexiest thing she has ever seen in her 25 years on this earth. Suddenly Ellie sucks, and the pressure makes Dina throw her head back with a long, deep moan. The noise is totally unfamiliar to her, and she cannot believe it came from her mouth.

Dina is panting, almost terrified that this about to happen and so quickly. It feels like Ellie is using her whole hand. Dina thinks about how her fingers pulled at the guitar strings and toggled the fader on her mixer the other night. It could be possible. Frankly, that has to be the only explanation at this point. Ellie is stimulating her along several places in such precise proximity that it makes Dina wonder who the fuck gave her the map to Dina's spots. When she looks down, she notices both Ellie's hands are grasping, stretching up her torso to palm her breasts softly. How is this just her mouth!?

"Oh, fuck!" She wants to say something else. She wants to praise her and her fantastic mouth, but she isn't sure if they are at that point where they can scream out one another's names in pleasure. "Right there!" Dina's voice is almost embarrassingly loud. Ellie is moaning into her, breathing hard out her nose smashed in Dina's wet heat. Dina has been fighting back an orgasm since Ellie started. She desperately wants to prolong this as long as possible because nothing has ever felt better to her, but that just isn't possible. There is no warning for either of them—Dina's back arches high as she moans, long and loud. Holy shit, is that her making that noise? "Yes, yes, yes! Fuuuuuuck! Oh my god!" Stars flash behind her eyelids, and Ellie is writhing into the foot of the mattress and moaning into her. Dina screams. She fucking screams, and Ellie finally pulls her lips off Dina but leaves her tongue, firm and broad against Dina as she grids into it. She is still coming, and Ellie is moaning loud. It goes on for much longer than Dina can believe. Her muscles twitch, and her toes curl. The noises leaving her throat are not her own, and if she had been in her right mind, she might be embarrassed.

As her muscles relax and the loud scream dies in her throat, Dina sinks back into the mess of pillows behind her. She feels Ellie lay her wet cheek against the top of her thigh. Both of them are panting, gasping for air. Dina can't see, or maybe she just can't open her eyes. Her body feels like it's floating, and she doesn't care if it never returns to earth. If that was an orgasm, what has she been having all these years? All of this time, thinking that she would have to settle for what she had. All of this time, convincing herself that good was good enough. She almost missed out on this entirely. It was incredibly lucky or even fate that this woman walked into her classroom. Dina feels the tears prick behind her eyes, and she curses. "Fuck." Ellie chuckles faintly as she climbs up Dina's paralyzed body to lay next to her. "That was..." Dina wants to finish it for her. "Life-altering." Ellie nods in agreement. Dina still hasn't opened her eyes yet, out of fear she will cry and become one of Chris's cliches. "You ok?" Dina smiles dumbly; she can feel how drunk it is. Ellie wraps her in her arms, and Dina finally opens her eyes to see Ellie looking at her in a way she has never seen from the redhead. Dina definitely wants to cry now.

She bites back the tears and decides she has everything she needs to return the favor. "My turn!" She pushes Ellie back by the shoulder again, and the redhead laughs. "Hey. I'm good. I already...when you..." She blushes, and Dina smiles wide at her. Part of her is disappointed, but they have time, lots of it. "Tomorrow?" Ellie gives her that dangerous smile, and Dina thinks she would rather not sleep ever again. Sleeping in beds is overrated, and yet her body tells her to collapse. Ellie pulls the blanket out from under them and then covers them both before snuggling against Dina's side. The redhead plants soft kisses along her cheek and jaw, and Dina's eyes droop close again. At least tomorrow, it will be light enough to see everything she had been fantasizing about. If tonight was the first time, Dina cannot imagine what will happen as they learn one another more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have never written smut. That was surprisingly hard. I was trying not to make it too dirty because that is not the focus of the story but I wanted to capture the stark difference between being with a male and female (at least for me).
> 
> This time I will not be commenting on what is real or fiction for this or the next chapter for obvious reasons ;)
> 
> Hope you all enjoyed but feedback is definitely welcome!


	25. Baby, you're the baddest girl. Nobody else matters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ::blushes:: (Again)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from L.E.S. by Childish Gambino

The pink light of early morning pours in through the cracks in the blinds right behind her. Ellie is curled up next to her, and if Dina had for some odd reason forgot what happened last night, the fact that they are both naked brings back an all too vivid memory. She really really wants to wake Ellie up as she remembers what happened a few hours ago in the darkness. But it has to be before 6am, and the sun is just starting to break over the Teton mountains to light up Jackson. Neither of them had slept much, but Dina is not tired, not even a little bit.

Quickly, she formulates a plan to wake Ellie up and resume what was not finished the night before. Dina slowly inches towards Ellies back. Her hands shakily run under the covers and begin drawing patterns along the redhead's arms and shoulders, purposedly avoiding the typical sensitive parts like the spot on the inside of her elbow. She ghosts around the soft areas without touching them until finally she indulges and swipes across them all before planting an open-mouthed kiss between Ellie's shoulder blades. The redhead sighs and moans. "Wha're doin?" She mumbles, and it is so cute.

Dina works her chin into the space where her neck meets her shoulder to whisper in her ear. "Are you awake?" Ellie shakes her head no, but Dina can see her cheek bulging, indicating she is smiling. "Damn. I guess I have to keep trying to wake you then." Ellie hums, and Dina pulls her bare chest closer against Ellie's back. She wraps one hand gently around the irresistible curve of Ellie's hip. There she resumes her gentle touches with her fingertips. Her mouth moves closer to Ellie's ear as she breathes heavily and sighs. The redhead shivers under her touches, and Dina takes it as a cue to grip Ellie's hip forcefully and pull her ass into her. Ellie responds by pressing harder, and Dina bites back a moan.

"You trying to kill me before the sun comes up?" Dina smirks. "It's not my fault you have the most beautiful back I have ever laid eyes on." "What?" Ellie turns fast to face her, grabbing her hips and yanking their bodies together. Dina squeaks in surprise. "I mean, I haven't seen your front in the light yet, so who knows." Ellie's scarred eyebrow is cocked in question. "Do you have a thing for backs or something?" Dina shrugs. "Only on women. Yes. Is that weird?" Ellie brushes some of her frizzy curls behind her ear. "No, just most girls like...um...other things." Ellie's eyes dart down to Dina's chest, only partially covered by the duvet. Dina laughs. "Like?" She wants Ellie to tell her exactly what she likes about her. The redhead blushes furiously. "I..." She stutters; it's fucking adorable. "I guess I like Ohio." Dina did not expect that answer. "What?" Ellie pushes the blanket down further between them, and her fingers gently run along the tops of Dina's breast, pushed together tightly on her side. "You know?" She is staring. "Cleveland." She smirks mischievously, and Dina snorts. It's a joke, but the way she rips the blanket back and stares reverently makes it obvious she is obsessed with Dina's breasts.

With those green eyes fixed heavily on her now heaving chest, Dina feels her skin set aflame. She pushes the redhead back into the softness of the bed. Ellie looks up at Dina as she moves to position herself between her long legs. The redhead looks as nervous as Dina feels. "Can you help me out?" Ellie's eyes squint slowly in question. "Just tell me what you like, ok?" Ellie sits up and kisses her passionately. "Mmmm, I love kissing you." Her voice is even deeper than usual, and Dina wants to lose control all over again. She has to remind herself that this isn't about her, but that is next to impossible when everything feels so fucking good. No wonder Ellie was able to get off just by pleasing her.

The two kiss and run their hands up and down one another's bodies with urgency. Ellie's hands moved down Dina's waist and over her ass. Apparently, the redhead likes that too? She smiles into her mouth as Ellie pulls Dina into her. A deep moan breaks free from the redhead's throat, and she is bucking and arching under Dina. It is crazy that all Dina has to do are things she also enjoys to make Ellie feel good. Who the fuck knew sex could be so mutually amazing?

Ellie pulls Dina's thick curls back to one side and pulls her roughly into her body below. She sucks on Dina's neck and then whispers hotly in her ear, "Please." Dina moans into the pillow under her face, and Ellie punctuates her plead with a fierce bite to the muscle connecting her neck and shoulder. Dina writhes as her back arches, and her hands grope at Ellie's hips, framing her own. Her pubic bone angles sharply into Ellie's core, and it becomes obvious just how desperate the redhead under is from how wet she is. No need to fucking ask again.

Dina throws the blanket back further and sits back to finally admire Ellie beneath her. The freckles leading to her breasts splay across the soft skin found there in perfect patterns. Under each breast, Dina notes small moles in mirrored size and placement. They signal the end of the perfectly shaped and pert breasts and the start of the taut ridges of her toned abdomen. Dina follows the perfect indention down to her belly button and the subtle width of her hips. It is perfect, all of it. The way her collar bones frame and hold the muscles of her shoulders. How her neck moves with each breath. The way those gorgeous green eyes are looking at Dina, almost looking into her. Dina feels a sense of peace like this is where she is meant to be. Naked looking down on this woman who barged into her life and turned it upside down. This woman who she wants more than anything in her short life.

Dina reaches forward to intertwined both of her hands with Ellie's along her sides. Ellie squeezes and smiles, but her eyes are dark and the same blush from last night is so evident that Dina knows she is incredibly turned on just from her body language alone. It makes her feel wanted and beautiful in a way no one else ever has or ever could. At that moment, Dina is terrified. Not about what she was going to do but about what would happen if the day ever came when Ellie didn't look at her like that again. But instead of sub combing to her fears, she begins her assault downward on the gorgeous body below her.

Ellie shivers and writhes under her touches and kisses. Both women are riding that precarious edge of anticipation and frustration. By the time Dina hits Ellie's defined thighs, Ellie's legs are twitching, and Dina thinks she might implode also. She plants open-mouthed kisses and hot breaths along each thigh before pushing them apart to settle with the redhead's long legs bracketing her shoulders. She looks up to see Ellie watching the entire scene in complete astonishment. Apparently, the redhead didn't ever expect this dream to become a reality either.

Dina breaks their gaze and down at her destination to memorize anatomy and placement. Her eyes go wide as she swipes her fingers across Ellie gently. The redhead moans softly, and Dina watches and notes which spots make her muscles contract on her legs and belly. She listens closely to every gasp, whimper, and moan as her fingers slowly work their way around the soft, wet skin. Dina knows what she needs to know, at least as much as her impatience can handle right now. 

"Just. Tell me, ok?" Ellie looks up to nod, and Dina finally leans down and tastes her. The way Ellie feels in her mouth is intoxicating. Ellie grabs her hair roughly, but she doesn't pull or guide Dina's head at all. Dina had been holding her breathe up until that point, and she finally exhales loudly out of her nose. Dina closes her eyes and retraces everything she memorized and learned just seconds prior. Her tongue hits a specific spot, and Ellie moans loudly. Before Dina commits to that one spot, she dips her tongue downward to taste her more fully. One could get addicted to that taste. Her mouth and tongue return back to the spot that made Ellie moan so loudly, and the redhead's fingers tighten in her hair. It drives her crazy, and she moans out an exhale while resuming her same cadence and pattern. 

"Harder." Dina loves that Ellie is talking to her. Last night the redhead seemed so quiet and reserved, and Dina was hoping that wasn't how she was all the time. She increases the pressure, and her tongue miraculously responds and delivers. Who knew how strong and agile this muscle was? Ellie starts to pant loudly. Dina looks upward to see the muscles in her stomach tensing and her perfect breasts shooting upward under her arching back, revealing those sexy moles. Dina thinks this is precisely what a grown woman's body should look like. It is the hottest moment of her life.

Before long, she notices Ellie's arms pulling her inwards slightly, and she increases the pressure and speed. Her mouth is still going strong despite her concern of tiring out, but her breathes are become difficult as she is pressed further and further in. Regardless she would never stop to breathe. Breathing is overrated, and what's the worse that can happen? Better yet, what's the best thing that could happen? As if one cue Ellie answers for her. "Oh fuck, you're gonna make me cum!" Dina tries to memorize exactly what she is doing, so her short-circuiting brain doesn't fuck it up. 

Ellie's thighs are shaking violently around her, and Dina has to press slightly on the ridges of the redhead's hips to keep her from moving and making Dina lose precious contact with the spot that was making all this happen in the first place. Dina's fingers dig into her hips, and she starts to blackout. Not now, dammit, you can breathe after. Ellie looks down at Dina between her legs, and they lock eyes. Her eyebrows are knitted together, and her mouth is open. Her eyes have a flash of fear before she moans out, "Oh! Fuck! Teach!" And she throws her head back in a loud series of moans. Her body shakes under Dina. Dina keeps going until Ellie falls back and her body goes slack. 

Dina moans as he pulls away and takes a deep breath. She is wholly spent and oxygen suppressed, but she is so proud of herself. Everything about the experience was indescribable. She smiles at the thought of Ellie calling her "Teach" in the middle of an orgasm SHE gave her. Clearly, the redhead had a thing about Dina being her teacher. Dina makes her way up to an incoherent Ellie to plant a kiss on the crown of her head. Ellie rolls over into her and snuggles down onto her chest. If Dina wanted to cry last night, she is finding this moment impossible.

"Holy shit. Are you sure you haven't done that before?" Dina chuckles as she runs her finger along the scar in Ellie's eyebrow. "I haven't. But would you believe me if I sad I fantasized about it a lot." Ellie pulls her head from Dina's chest and smiles, her lips peeling back over her perfect teeth. "I guess that was enough practice, because holy shit." "Yea?" Dina is still feeling insecure. "Umm, did you not hear me?" Dina just shrugs. "Are you sure?" This time Ellie sits and grabs both of Dina's cheeks in her palms. her green eyes search Dina's, forcing her to stay focused on the words she is about to say. "That was the best. I have been wanting that since I first saw you. Trust me, it was amazing. Ok?" Dina closes her eyes and leans into one of Ellie's palms. Suddenly an overwhelming urge builds in her to tell the redhead she loves her, but that has to be the hormones talking...right? 

Ellie returns the favor soon after, twice. By now, it is late morning, and the two women are sweaty naked heaps in Ellie's bed. They are tangled in one another's arms, lazily caressing each other. Again, Dina fights the urge to cry or tell Ellie she loves her. That is only mildly concerning, at the moment. She'll give it more attention later.

A hard knock on Ellie's door breaks the trance they are in. "El, can Teach move her truck, please? I don't want to leave my car on the street." "Yea." Ellie shakes Dina because despite hearing every word of the exchange, Dina refuses to acknowledge anything but Ellie in her arms, kissing her, touching her. "Hey? Want me to do it?" Dina nods. "It's a six-speed, though, so reverse is in a kind of weird spot." "I'll figure it out." Ellie pulls away from Dina's arms, and a whine leaves her throat. Who knew she could ever be so needy? Certainly not her.

She watches Ellie dress from her stomach and marvels again at the body being tragically covered up far too quickly for her liking. "What are you looking at?" Ellie blushes over her shoulder. "Only the sexiest woman alive." Ellie rolls her eyes and leans down to kiss Dina on the shoulder. "You're one to talk." She bounces to the door and unlocks it. She turns to lock eyes with Dina, almost looking like she wants to say something but doesn't and slips out the door instead. Dina misses her instantly, and it is bizarre. The girl just left for a few minutes; it didn't seem normal.

Dina rolls onto her back and runs her hands over her nude body, marveling at how it felt under Ellie's attention. No one has ever made her feel like that, and she is craving it again. She turns to her side, and her stomach rumbles. Oh right, food, the outside world, normal adult responsibilities exist. She shimmies to the edge of the bed to grab her underwear and bra. 

Ellie comes back into the room, rubbing her arms. "It's fucking freezing out there." "Well you should have put on a coat" Ellie sticks her tongue out at Dina, and she can't help herself. "I'll show you what you can do with that tongue." Ellie jumps on top of Dina in the bed and runs her freezing cold hands along her ribcage. Dina yelps. "No, Ellie! Fuck you!" "Oh, but you already did." She smacks at her shoulder and pulls her down for a kiss. "Are you hungry?" Ellie smiles onto her lips. "For you, yea." "Ellie!" Dina pushes her away. "We should leave your bed and try to be normal." Ellie straddles Dina over the blanket to hold her down. The move makes Dina gasp, and she is embarrassed she is so turned on again after such a harmless gesture.

"I don't want to leave the bed with you in it practically neked." "Ummm. Did you just say NECK-ED? Where are you from again?" Ellie swats at her. "Boston, but Joel is from Austin, so I guess I picked some of his accent up." "Ellie, that is not an accent. It is a whole different word." Ellie rolls her eyes. "Keep it up, and I won't take you to my favorite brunch spot." Dina whines, "But I'm so hungry!" Ellie pulls her up into her arms and out of the bed. "You are so fucking beautiful. Do you know that?" The sincerity in the redhead's voice almost breaks her. She runs her thumb over the field of freckles along Ellie's cheek. "Well, as always, the feeling is mutual, baby." The term of endearment just slips out, but Ellie doesn't flinch. Instead, she pulls Dina into her body more. "So tell me about the brunch spot you are teasing me with?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The only things I will confirm: my wife does say "neck-ed" and the brunch spot she took me to is a place we still frequent with the best New Mexican food in the city.
> 
> As always, sorry for the typos and thanks for the support!


	26. I'm gonna let it all go and fall into you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie and Dina emerge from their "cocoon" to get back to the real world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Fall Into You by Soulstice

Dina couldn't keep herself from nuzzling into the puffy fabric around her shoulders. Ellie's hoodie would undoubtedly be hers, at least as long as the redhead's scent remained on it. They are cuddled in the Purp, watching a movie, and eating their leftover ramen. It's only the second time they have left Ellie's room aside from brunch that morning. They are enjoying their last moments together before Ellie has to get ready for work that evening. 

Abby had joined them about an hour ago, and she and Ellie are currently in a heated debate about what color Spanish rice is. "It's red!" "Get the fuck outta here. It is not red. What in it is red?" Dina is chuckling as she slurps down the last of her broth from the rim of her bowl. "The tomatoes!" Abby scoffs at Ellie's insistence. "El, you are from Boston. Fucking Boston. How can you possibly have grown up eating enough proper Mexican food to know?" Ellie sneers, and Dina turns in her arms to catch the look. "I know enough to know Spanish fucking rice is NOT yellow! Besides, not like Utah is known for its abundance of Mexican food." "At least it's in the Southwest. But Boston? Come on, Ellie, you lose this one!" Dina can't help herself. The argument is hilarious only because it got so heated, and it is over something so utterly ridiculous. But now, she is annoyed that both girls don't seem to want to back down. "Fuck! You are both right." both women stare at Dina in surprise. "It's actually orange. And I should know. I'm New Mexican, for fucks sake." Dina can feel Ellie's chest tremoring under her in a silent laugh. Abby's eyes narrow, and Dina wonders if she hadn't overstepped. "Damn, El. This one's a keeper." She laughs as she leaves the room.

Ellie pulls Dina's back in her chest further, and peppers kisses along her hairline. "You know that's the first time she has ever said anything like that...ever." Dina's heart swells. If Abby thinks that, maybe Ellie does too? Her eyes shut, and she sighs contentedly to avoid telling Ellie she is falling in love with her. Their relationship, or whatever it was, had only just become physical, and Dina feels foolish that sex could be the thing that made her realize this fact, but the idea has been stuck in her head, like a stubborn splinter, since last night. "Glad I made the cut." She turns in Ellie's arms to kiss those amazing lips. Ellie hums in response. "Oh, you more than make the cut." Dina blushes.

Once Dina is back home, her new empty house seems even more empty without Ellie there. She knows she should have spent today organizing and hunting down furniture, but she just could seem to pull herself away from the redhead or out of her bed. Her face and hands smell like Ellie. It is like a constant, arousing reminder of everything they shared over the last 24 hours. She has around six agonizing hours without the presence of the woman who has buried herself so deeply into her soul. Distraction was necessary.

"Did you cry?" Chris doesn't even bother to say hello. "Noooo." It wasn't really a lie. No one had seen her cry, at least. "Gross Dina." She smiles as she presses her palm to her face again to inhale Ellie back into her nose. Luckily Chris can't see her anyhow. "Shut up, Chris. Can you meet me?" "I am not moving you into her house, Dina. Fucking U-haulers!" She rolls her eyes and sighs. "Just let me come over to use your internet and help me pick out some furniture. Pleeease." "Dina, I am not just some queen on Designing Women. This isn't fucking Queer Eye." He was in a mood. "Are you ok?" "Fucking fantastic. Just come over."

In another hour, the two of them are parked on his couch, looking at bedroom sets and couches online. It turns out Chris's mood was in relation to his on again off again long-distance relationship with a guy he left back in South Bend, Indiana when he finished grad school. "So now he is saying he might join the priesthood. The. Fucking. Priesthood." It is ironic that Chris is dating a devout Catholic but no more ironic than his choice to attend Notre Dame for grad school. Dina often wonders how his photography, filled with references to cartoons, sex, drag culture, and satanism, went over there. "He loves Jesus more than dick?" "I mean, I get it. Dina Jesus is a total Otter!" She will have to Google that one later.

"Sooooo." He draws it out, and Dina knows he wants to ask her about her 24-hour disappearance into Ellie's "clean" bedroom. She keeps her gaze trained on the velvet couch they are looking at as her face twists in a guilty smirk. "Did you convert to a vagitarian?" She busts out, laughing. "Ok, I'm taking that as a yes. And?" "And what? You want details?" He jumps back against the armrest. "Gross! No! How are things?" He is so fucking awkward; she reads between the lines and knows he wants some details. "Umm, honestly? Amazing." She swoons just talking about it, and Chris is eyeing her with a mix of suspicion crossed with a hint of disgust. 

"But I'm kinda worried." "Don't worry, we'll buy you the full muff diver uniform, so everyone knows of the change in your status. Boots, flannels, ripped jeans, a tie and beanie." She glares and him. "I think I might be..." "No! No! No! Do not!" Dina sets the laptop on the coffee table and stares back at him. He is standing at this point, one hand on a hip. His sharp eyebrow is cocked up onto his bald head, and he is watching her intently. Dina is afraid to move. 

"I can't help it Chris. She's just so..." "Nope. Don't Dina. You barely know yourself. You are just out of one rushed and forced relationship. Do you really want another? You didn't even want to admit you liked girls a few months ago. You are still a baby gay!" Her brows furrow. "I do know myself!" "Ok, so I suppose you are aware you are a serial monogamist?" The assessment isn't entirely wrong, but it does sting. "I can't help it Chris. Ever since she walked into my classroom..." "What it was love at first sight? Etta James' At Last played in your fucking head? Dina, this is not a fucking Disney movie or a Hallmark Christmas special." If she wasn't so desperate at the thought that he might have a point, she would have laughed. "You're just getting yourself together after being oppressed for so long. Take some time to find yourself again." She still can't fathom a world where she can just stop falling for the redhead. "I get what you're saying. But I just feel like this is different. It's like it's..." "If you say fate, I swear I will slap you." 

Chris has a point; she knows it's true. Falling for someone so soon, especially after it just turned physical and someone who is your fucking student, is incredibly ill-advised. Dina from a few months ago would never have thought this is where she would be. Still, her heart keeps tugging her towards Ellie. It seems to have tunnel vision, and it won't stop until she has the student all for herself. The fall from her place in the clouds after such an unbelievable night and day together is jarring. A few months ago, Dina would never have believed in fate, never bought into the idea that love and first sight was possible. She would never have wanted to cry during sex! Ellie is changing everything for her every day.

After some retail therapy that has netted her a stylish but undoubtedly uncomfortable couch, a cheap bedroom set, and overly decadent sheet sets, pillows, and duvet, Dina bids Chris goodnight and heads out to pick up a shower curtain and some towels on her way home. His pointed words are lodged into her brain as she begins to wonder if she should stay with Ellie again tonight. A few hours ago, Dina knew the answer was an enthusiastic fuck, yes. Now, she worries more time with the redhead behind locked doors would only result in Dina falling further and further. And what would that mean? Would Chris be right? Could she lose herself again in another intense relationship? 

It's true, Dina had never been particularly adept at being single. She always had someone she was seeing or talking to. Other people had even called her a shameless flirt once or twenty times in her life. But a serial monogamist, that was a new one and one that felt icky on her shoulders. What Chris didn't get was that this time things were different. Dina often entertained the idea of other people because part of her did like the attention. Dina loved to be chased and to tease. And yet, now she was practically throwing herself at a student. She was risking her professional career and reputation. She had uprooted her relationship (although toxic). Dina was forcing herself to explore things she had denied with herself for so long. Maybe it was wrong to tie all those things to one person, even the positive ones, especially the positive ones.

Despite all of this extremely sound logic, Dina could not conceive a world where she and Ellie were not together. This just wasn't something she had ever felt for anyone else and at any other point in her life. It was like every cell in her body knew it too, every cell aside from her now conflicted brain. This is a scary place to be in, and it makes Dina want to run away. It feels like a repeat of the era before her mother and sister's deaths. She desperately sees what she wants but knows she shouldn't and possibly couldn't have it. Indulging that fairytale, no matter how amazing it all feels, can lead to a very dark place. 

"Whatcha doing, beauty?" Dina is standing in the checkout line, questioning her very existence when Ellie's text pulls her from the pit of despair into an immediate giddiness. It is so abrupt, she completely forgets what she had been lamenting about for the better part of the last four hours. "Buying towels and a shower curtain. I miss you." She types it without thinking. "I miss you more. Almost outta here though. Can't want to see you...kiss you...touch you..." Dina almost drops her phone on the floor. Fuck if Chris is right and who gives a shit if she should be lesson planning for the week instead. Screw her current existential crisis; she is staying with Ellie tonight and every night until Dina shrivels and dies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst is back folx. Trust me sex solves a lot but it also complicates things.
> 
> The debate about Spanish rice was a real one my wife and her brother had not that long ago (FYI I do believe it is orange).
> 
> I had several friends give me shit for getting so involved so quickly. I even had one flip out because she thought she and I were "going to get a chance." It was a really confusing time, to say the least. I felt like what everyone was telling me was spot on and yet I just couldn't stop it from happening. That is a hard thing when you try to make decisions backed by as much logic as possible. I guess all those cliches of love being irrational are 100% true. To go from being such a cynic about love to falling uncontrollably victim to it was crazy. It was like one day I was saying shit like "Love takes work and it's a choice" to being totally smitten and fucking reckless in order to be with this woman.
> 
> Anyhow, we have some really great things coming up as these two navigate a rapidly intensifying relationship, more Jesse bullshit, jealousy, and the complexities of living in a small town and trying to keep their relationship secret.
> 
> Thanks as always for the comments and kudos. You all are the best!


	27. You should be warned before I let you inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dina starts to question everything, again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from I Don't Trust Myself (With Loving You) by John Mayer (yes he is a tool but this song completely sums up how I was feeling at this point and the guitar riff is legit)

It's 2:30pm, half an hour before her first class starts, and Dina is face down in between Ellie's legs. "D...Dina. You...holy shit! You need to go...oh fuck!" Ellie is right; she does need to go. Today is her first day back at work after more than a week off. She also cannot be late, since she is the teacher and all. But Dina has calculated all of this. If she could get Ellie off in twenty minutes or less, she could still make it on time. That was ten minutes ago, and judging by the redhead's increased ability to communicate her concern that Dina would be late, her orgasm isn't far off. Still, Dina knows if she is ten minutes past her estimation, she can still make it. She has a very detailed plan, after all. Her ironed slacks and button-down are draped over the dresser behind her, waiting for her to throw them on and run out the door. On top of that, her hair is pulled back already, and her makeup is applied. Now just to make sure Ellie doesn't go crazy like she did the night before and ruin her face.

Ellie comes apart a few minutes later. Dina knows she should get dressed and run out the door, but instead, she glances at her watch before saying, "Fuck it." and dives back in immediately. "Wha...oh...why...fuck!" Dina smirks at Ellie's inability to protest. She works furiously, avoiding anything but the spot she has already pinpointed that will make Ellie lose it every damn time. Dina pulls her towards the end of the bed forcefully and leans in. Dina is on her knees on the floor, working to make quick work of the redhead under her mouth. Who knew she would be so good at this or even enjoy it so much?

Ellie screams loudly this time and shudders. Dina waits until she stills before jumping up and throwing her shirt over her shoulders before yanking on her pants. Her heels are in the truck since she can't seem to master working the clutch in them. She doesn't bother to wipe her face before she blows Ellie a kiss and runs out of her bedroom, still buttoning up her shirt. By some miracle, traffic cooperates, and she makes it on time to open the door to her classroom at 3pm on the dot.

A few minutes into class, Dina feels her phone vibrate in her pocket. She smiles as her lecture continues. It has to be Ellie. The alluring scent of Ellie keeps making it's way from her lips and cheeks up in her nose, and she wonders if anyone else can smell the sex on her. Luckily the lights are dim in the computer classrooms; otherwise, someone might have noticed the mess she didn't have time to clean on her chin. 

"Are you fucking crazy?" Dina smirks at her message as she wipes her face with paper towels in the bathroom between classes. "What?" Angel emoji of emphasis. "Ugh, you are insufferable. Hot but insufferable." Dina smiles into the mirror of the bathroom. "Did you make it on time?" "Of course! I told you I am an amazing driver." Her head is hanging, eyes fixed to her screen as she makes her way down the hall back to her classroom. "Doubtful. I'm heading to my first class. See you in a few hours." The lips emoji makes Dina wish she was ago in that same spot she rushed from just a few hours earlier.

Ellie shows up in her class before anyone else. Did she run down here? Dina looks up from her own screen, and the two share a knowing look. It makes Ellie blush furiously. As other students trickle in, Dina pulls her phone from her pocket and texts Ellie. "I still smell you on my lips. Yum." She watches as the redhead pulls her phone from her pocket and reads the message. Her eyes widen, her cheeks flush, and she looks like electricity just jolted through her veins. She quickly locks her phone and fumbles to shove it back in her pocket when a classmate takes the open seat next to her. Dina smirks down at her papers on her desk. 

Class is fine, but Dina has to admit she gets a kick out of Ellie's nervous reaction when she comes around to check on her progress while making her rounds during work time. "Ellie?" The redhead practically jumps out of her skin. "D, D, Dina. Hi" "Did you have any questions." Ellie won't look at her, and Dina places her hand on the back of her chair to lean in over her shoulder. It seems like she is checking Ellie's screen to look over lines of code closer to anyone else. If only they knew her true intent. "Nope. I'm good." Dina still leans in further. "Looks good, Ellie." She says her name in a slower, deeper tone and turns her face slightly to stare at Ellie's now bright red cheek. "Really good." And then she quickly withdraws and moves on to the next student.

After class, Ellie doesn't linger. She shoves her stuff in her bag and runs out before anyone else. Dina laughs as she takes her time packing up. Her phone goes off in her pocket. "My house. Now!" Dina can't wipe the wicked grin from her face as she makes her way to the lounge to drop off her class attendance sheets. "What. In. The. Fuck?" Chris is standing by the faculty computers about to sit when she enters the room. Shit, she hadn't counted on this. "What?" She tries not to look guilty. "Did you. You did not do something questionable on school property, did you?" Well, shit, she hadn't considered that until now. Dina decides to reserve that idea for some other time. "No!" "Well, why do you look like you just got fucked?" "What in the hell did I walk into?" Cat came in at the completely wrong time. "Dina just had sex." "What!? Here? On campus?" Dina rubs the bridge of her nose in silent resignation. "No, Cat. He's full of shit." "Bullshit. Look at her. She's fucking glowing and the look on her face a minute ago..." Dina stuffs her attendance sheets into the rolling cart near the door. "Stop, Chris. Not everything is about sex all the time." She turns and passes Cat on her way out the door, shooting the tattooed woman a wink. She can hear Chris shrieking once she is in the hall, "She's already fucking pussy whipped."

A few hours later, Dina was lying naked in Ellie's arms. "We haven't even eaten since lunch. Ugh." Dina looks up into those green eyes from her spot tucked into Ellie's armpit. "Not true. We have eaten several times today." She wiggles her eyebrows suggestively. "Don't, Dina. I need calories. I'm going to whither away. There is literally no more moisture in my body." "Fine! What do you want to eat?" Ellie squeezes her tightly in joy. "Ummmm, how about breakfast for dinner?" Dina chuckles. She loves the way the redhead gets excited by food. "So like eggs?" "Naw, fuck that. Pancakes and bacon." "I see. And where do you think we will get these things?" She starts drawing circles with her index finger across Ellie's collarbones. "The kitchen, duh." Dina snorts. "So you are making me breakfast for dinner!?" Ellie frowns, and Dina watches as she turns the frown into that ridiculous pout that would lead Dina to do anything. "Ridiculous. Ok. You make the bacon, and I'll handle the pancakes."

Throughout the course of their joint cooking effort, Dina discovers a few things. First, the redhead cannot cook, not even something as simple as putting bacon in a pan and not burning it. Second, she leaves the kitchen a mess, using an absurdly excessive number of dishes and utensils. And finally, she is obsessed with Dina telling her what she is doing and watching her cook. Ellie makes the perfect sous chef, and Dina loves that she isn't alone in the kitchen, cooking for someone who doesn't seem to appreciate how much love and care she likes to put into her food.

"Hoowy shet!" Ellie is mumbling with her mouth full. "I take it you like them?" She nods furiously and swallows. "Another thing in the win column." "Um, excuse me? Are you keeping a list of pros and cons on me or what?" Ellie stares at her stack of pancakes. "Why would I do that?" "Good question, why would you?" Dina's question started as a joke, but now she is getting a little paranoid the more she thinks about it. "It's just nice to think about all the things I lo...like, all the things I like about you when we are apart." Dina didn't miss the way she seemed to catch herself. The slip up made her heart race. "And what about the things you don't like about me." Ellie shrugs as she piles another forkful into her mouth. "There are none." Dina looks at her skeptically. 

Dina knows where are they are right now. The honeymoon phase is the best part of a new relationship. Everything is exciting and wonderful. You want it to last forever and feel like it might, until one day you notice something. It could be something small, but it's still something that shakes the perfect image you have fixated on for that period of time. Honeymoon phases differed in length in her experience. Anyhow, then you started to see more of those things, and before you know it, you fight for the first time. And then other things begin to come apart. The sex becomes routine. Being with them is compulsory, and then before you know it, you can't seem to remember why or when you felt the butterflies you so crave.

"Well, give me time. I'll fuck it up." Dina is not really joking, and Ellie seems like she isn't sure how to take that. The two had been so busy immersing themselves in one another that they hadn't really had any serious conversations about anything. "What do you mean? Why would you want to fuck it up?" "I don't. I never do. But I just can't fucking help it." Ellie goes back to the kitchen for more pancakes. "Why, though?" Dina shrugs, pushing the leftover syrup around on the empty plate. "I guess I can't handle when shit works out or is good or whatever. My dad, he just put so much fucking pressure on me to keep working. Always go for the best and never settle. I guess maybe I never learned how to celebrate when something good happens. Like I just keep striving for something better." Fuck Dina. That is a grand way to chase someone you are falling for away, and after she almost slipped and used the L-word to describe things about you. Dina just pulled her fucking daddy issues out into the open.

Ellie is already back on the couch next to her by the time she completes her revealing rant. The redhead seems tentative. "Sorry that was too much info, but you should know what you're dealing with." Ellie turns to set her plate on the bar behind the couch. She puts Dina's hands into hers and gives Dina that same sincere look she has been giving her since the first time they slept together. "Stop. I have baggage too. And you'll get to learn about it, I'm sure. But I won't let you fuck this up." Dina's heart swells in her chest. She has never wanted to tell someone she loved them more in her life. "I'm kinda into you if you couldn't tell." Dina smiles. "Oh? I couldn't tell. I make you the best pancakes of your life, and what do I get in return?" Her eyebrow cocks. Teasing and flirting are easier than spilling her guts, crying, and telling this woman she loves her. "Did I say the best ones of my life?" Ellie leans towards her but stops short of kissing Dina. Dina's heart beats wildly in her chest. Dina reaches one hand over Ellie's shoulder to get her plate with the last of the pancakes on it. "Well, I can finish these off if they aren't the best of your life." "No! Ok, ok. They are the best of my life." Dina hums, and Ellie presents her a bit on her fork. "And trust me. I plan on giving you something in return." She looks at her out of the corner of those green eyes and flashes that sideways smirk.

The rest of the week proceeds similarly to the start of it. The two women spend the days in Ellie's bed. Dina continues to barely make it work on time. The only times they are apart are when one is at work or when Ellie has to meet someone from school to sell them weed. Luckily Dina lives close by, so she can leave and return almost immediately. The only problem is Cat, Chris, and Abby seemed mildly annoyed that their friends are AWOL from social life. Neither woman seems to care regardless. Their friends will get over it.

All is going well until Wednesday night. Ellie is at work, and Dina is assembling her bed frame that was delivered earlier that morning. "Are you staying with me tonight?" At this point, Ellie doesn't even need to ask. Of course, she's staying with her. "Do you want me to?" "Dina. Come on. Do you even know me?" Dina smiles at the text. "But I was just asking because tomorrow and Thursday, and that's when I meet Riley to hang with Cash at the park." How could she forget? She wants to answer but doesn't. Maybe if she ignores this, it will go away? Dina thinks back to what Chris told her over the weekend. Perhaps it's better to figure herself out. "Hello?" "I'm here." "Oh." Well, this just awkward really fast. "It's fine, Ellie. I'll see you in a few hours?" Come on, Ellie, just buy into it. Dina is not fine, but she would never share that willingly. "Ok. Miss you."

The next morning came too fast, and admittedly, Dina was awake most of the night starring at the ceiling in Ellie's room. Everything was fine; in fact, it was great between her and the redhead snoring next to her. Things were moving along rapidly, and Dina could sense Ellie was really into her. But she had doubts. Doubts about not knowing herself, doubts about her propensity for self-sabotage, doubts about Ellie's feelings, and doubts about her the undeniable fact that Dina was falling in love fast. Despite all of this, Dina knew she wanted the redhead to be hers, and having such a gorgeous ex around made her feel even more desperate to put a label on their relationship.

Ellie's alarm went off right after Dina finally drifted off to sleep. The redhead shut it off and rolled over to kiss Dina before leaving the bed. Dina groaned. "Hey." "Hi, gorgeous." Dina smiled into the sheets under her cheek. "Do you..." Ellie pulled a hoodie over her head, and Dina shameless watched her abs disappear under it. "Maybe want to come with me?" Whoa. That seemed like a colossally bad idea. That could expose her jealousy. It could shine a light on her desperation. It could make a mess of things. "No. I'll wait for you here, though." Ellie bent to kiss her. "I'll call you after and pick us up some breakfast?" Dina nodded.

The second she heard Ellie's Jeep leave the driveway, Dina regretted not going with her. Why should she give up so easily? Riely already had Ellie. It was Dina's time now. She jumped up from the bed and threw on a hoodie from Ellie's closet. She wrapped herself in one of Ellie's thick coats to add to the statement. It would be obvious how close they had become if she showed up in the redhead's clothes. 

The park was only a few blocks away, but Dina wanted to be there faster than she could if she walked. Cash was running around the open area sniffing everything in sight. Dina's whole body tensed. Ellie was standing near Riley, calling after Cash. They must just be catching up. Dina pulled up behind the red Jeep, and Ellie turned to see her making her way on the yellowed grass towards them. She wrapped her arms around the taller girl instantly, and Ellie hugged her back, tentatively. "Riley, you remember Dina?" Riley was trying not to notice Dina clinging to her ex, or at least that's how it appeared to Dina. "Hey." She sounded dismissive. "Hi. Sorry, the bed was boring without you." Ellie's eyes widened, and Dina smiled back so innocently she almost convinced herself she wasn't trying to make Riley jealous.

Ellie moved away from them to meet Cash and take his favorite toy from his mouth. The two started a game of chase around the open area, leaving Dina and Riley to stand together in awkward silence. Dina tried to focus on the redhead running circles through the park, the dog toy in one hand playing keep away from the pitbull. 

"Huh." It wasn't a question, but the noise made Dina feel like she needed to respond. "What?" "It's funny. When El told me she had a crush on her teacher, I told her there was no way in hell that would happen." Dina's not sure how to take the observation. Was it a dig at Ellie, or one at her? Again, she feels like she should respond, but what do you even say to that? Suddenly Ellie breaks out in adorable uncontrollable laughter as Cash drags her to the ground to finally get the toy out of her grasp. Dina chuckles at how much she adores this woman. The laugh is gorgeous, and it has Dina forgetting the fact that Ellie's ex is standing right next to her and that she just made a fucked up comment. That is until Riley adds, "I always did love that laugh."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so I may or may not have been guilty of almost being late to work all the time, for weeks on end because we could not pull ourselves away from one another. Sorry, not sorry.
> 
> I also enjoyed making her flustered in class. She was so worried other people would notice I could literally do anything and she would freak out. I think she secretly loved it though.
> 
> My wife still adores my pancakes and she is no longer a bad cook, still a messy one though. I don't mind though. I figure if she cooks for me, I can clean up her mess. It's kind of cute how she dirties every dish and utensil to make the simplest thing.
> 
> The whole deal about fucking things up, yea that is legit. I still do that 12 years on but she knows me by now enough to snap me out of it. That's how you know someone is marriage material, they call you on your bullshit but don't let it scare them off.
> 
> So the convo with the ex, that also happened. It was awkward AF and we will explore some of the shit that whole thing kicked off.
> 
> As always, thanks for the kudos and comments. I loved the back and forth on the last chapter about the Spanish rice debate!


	28. And so my heart braced at first for real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things start to get really complicated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Bird's Eye View by Zion I (This song is about hip hop and I have to say I love my wife the way I love hip hop. Completely, utterly and hopelessly since day one.)

Despite being starving, Dina has just been poking at her food since they sat down to eat. Ellie has no idea what happened at the park, and no one has really said much since they returned from picking up lunch. Dina isn't sure how to broach the conversation with Ellie or if she even should. After all, it was her stupid jealousy fueled plan to show up at the park in Ellie's clothes and flaunt that they are sleeping together. Maybe she deserved Riley putting her in her place?

"Sooo?" Ellie seems to sense the awkward tension in the room, but Dina can't seem to force herself to behave differently. "Is...everything ok?" She looks up from her to-go box, trying to look as inconspicuous as possible. This is a precarious situation. Dina really wants to tell Ellie about her worries regarding Riley, but she knows it's not her place. They aren't exclusive, or at least they haven't talked about it yet. Perhaps they should have that conversation, but everything in Dina reminds her of Chris's warning regarding being a serial monogamist. Regardless, just like everything else with Ellie, Dina cannot help herself.

"Are you and Riley..." She watches Ellie's body language tense some. "Are you two done, done? If you don't want to tell me, that's ok." Ellie stares down at her food too. Maybe this was a massive misstep on her part, but Dina just has to know. "Why do you ask? What did she say?" Dina tries not to be put off by the non-answer response. "Nothing crazy. Just something about her telling you that a crush on your teacher would never turn into anything." 

Ellie groans. "Look, after we broke up, I wasn't all the way over it. I stayed living with her, which was a mistake. We were still acting like we were together most of the time." Dina's heart constricts at the thought of Ellie touching another woman or looking at her the same way she does Dina. "I moved out when I found out she was seeing a dude I was friends with who lived in our same building. But she would still come around and want to hook up or whatever." It's obvious what she means by "whatever." "I knew she didn't love me anymore, but I just went along with it. And it was like she didn't really want me but wanted me to want her. You know?" Does Dina ever relate. "I had started kinda dating and hanging out with other people, and she would always find out and come around to kill that." Well, that explains the weird passive-aggressive vibe Dina was getting. Initially, she had chalked it up to her dumb decision to try and assert herself in Riley's presence, but this makes much more sense.

"I'm sorry you had to hear that. Clearly, she was wrong, though, and it's not like I let her influence me. Well, too much anyhow." "How did she influence you at all?" Dina is stuck on that last point. Everything else about the response was precisely what she had hoped to hear, except for that last part. Instead of being satisfied, that dark part of Dina's brain kicks into gear. The answer needs to be perfect; wrapping everything up in a neat, tidy package. 

"I just wasn't sure about you. How you felt if I was only some student fantasy. If you were just using me as a rebound or experiment or something. I really liked you, but I don't want to be any of those things." Dina thinks back to her "dirty" bedroom. "Is that why you wouldn't let me see your room?" She winks, so Ellie gets she is just teasing. Ellie blushes in response. "I knew if you were in my bed, I couldn't help myself. It's not exactly easy to say no to you, Teach." She shoves a bite in her mouth to hide her sheepish grin. Why does she have to be so cute? Dina finds it hard to stay dissatisfied with her answer. 

"I really like you too. Sorry, I'm being kinda crazy. It's just, she is so beautiful and seems so cool, and I could see why you were with her. Not to mention, I do have a lot of baggage." Ellie drops her fork and wraps her arms around Dina, pinning her arms and her sides. "Maybe I like your baggage." Dina laughs over Ellie's lips, now fixed on hers. "Weirdo." "You love it." Oh shit! Dina wants to say she does. Ellie seems to notice what she just said, and she watches Dina closely while blushing furiously. Dina is panicking in her arms. Ellie loosens her grip, and Dina breathes a sigh of relief. Probably not a good time to tell her the full depth of her feelings. Instead, the two return to eating.

"You gonna tell me about these other girls you were seeing before me? Anyone I should worry about?" Fuck Dina. When did she become so jealous? "Are you jealous?" Ellie is giving her a coy smile and sideways glance. Dina's jealousy seems to be something she is enjoying. "What!? Me jealous. Naw, it's not THAT serious!" Dina responds in a teasing tone. It is absolutely that serious. She would never be jealous otherwise. In fact, she can't remember ever being jealous in previous relationships. Ellie scoffs at her response. 

Suddenly Ellie's phone pings. "Fuck. I forgot Derek needed to stop this morning." Dina already knows the drill. She hops up, grabbing her to-go container, and heads straight for the door, keys in hand. "I'm gonna get ready for work but text me when you're done." She looks at Ellie over her shoulder. The redhead appears to be worried. "Hey! We good?" Dina smiles back, but she can't bring herself to smile fully, though. 

She instantly pours over their conversation on her short drive home. The truth of the matter is that Dina isn't sure how much longer she can go without making the redhead hers. This state of limbo is wrecking her. Every day she falls more, despite her desperate attempts to stop it. What would happen if this doesn't work out? Dina wants to choke on the thought alone. Certainly, the reality would decimate her. At this point, there is no going back. Dina is forced to accept that she is one hundred percent in love with this woman, and as a result, she is a fucking terrified mess.

Friday morning, Dina woke up freezing in Ellie's bed. The redhead had clearly already woken up and left the bed awhile ago. Her spot was already cold. Dina heard laughing outside, and a quick pick between the slats of the blinds revealed Ellie and Abby scraping ice and snow from their windshields. They would alternate tossing chunks of the newly fallen snow at one another before laughing. Dina watches until both of them have cleared all their windows sufficiently. Abby leaves in her cleared car, and Ellie bounds back up to the porch before she disappears from Dina's view.

Ellie opens the door to her room quietly but moves faster once she realizes Dina is awake. "Morning! It's snowing." Dina smiles at her giddiness. Growing up in the high desert, Dina recognizes the value of a good snowfall, regardless of how long she has been in Jackson. Snow is much more commonplace here, but she never got over the magic. Clearly, Ellie is enthralled as well. She smiles back at the redhead, enjoying how cute her excitement is. "You wanna go on an adventure?" Dina sits up to grab her clothes from the floor. Of course she does. Anything with this woman is an adventure.

An hour later and Dina finds herself holding on to the oh-shit handle in Ellie's Jeep as she drives fast over snowbanks at the base of Snow King Mountain. She is laughing and whooping so loud, Dina feels like she is getting a glimpse of Ellie as a kid. In truth, it's been a while since Dina felt this free and alive. Like she suddenly woke from a long drawn out slumber and is just seeing the beauty of the world for the time in years. The fact that it is Ellie who brings this out in her shouldn't be a surprise, and yet Dina had been utterly unaware of her prolonged slumber until now. 

"I love coming up here in the snow. It's my favorite thing to do." Dina is watching her smile grow as she barrels up the old dirt road, covered in snow that is growing by the minute. Exploring and being nature used to be something Dina valued and enjoyed. Still, the last few years admittedly had left those desires mostly unfulfilled. Ellie's Jeep skids to a stop, a small lookout ahead just flanked by some large rocks. "Come on." Ellie springs from the Jeep and scrambles over the snow-covered boulders. Dina follows, wishing she had brought her gloves. 

As she pulls herself over the rocks with Ellie's steadying hand for help, Dina looks up to take in the view. The whole of Jackson sits below, bathed in the soft white blanket that stretches for miles. The air is thick and still all around them. Ellie takes her hand and pulls her into the warmth of her jacket. Dina responds by wrapping her arms under the coat and around Ellie tightly. Again, she bites her cheek to avoid telling Ellie she loves her. Ellie holds her tight, and Dina can her heartbeat increasing under the warm fabric of her flannel. It almost seems like she is nervous. 

"I was thinking." Dina wants to make a joke, but she senses perhaps this is not the time. They are having a moment, after all. "What are you doing for Christmas?" Dina smiles into the pink flannel separating her cheek from Ellie's chest. "I hadn't honestly thought about it." That isn't entirely the truth, but Dina had so many other things on her mind lately, it had a lower priority. "I know it's kinda early on or whatever, and we are trying to taking this slow..." "Oh? Are we?" Dina feels Ellie look down and her, never loosening her grip, though. "I mean, yea. I'm trying to." "Right. That's why it took you so long to clean your room." Ellie chuckles. "What can I say? I didn't trust myself to keep taking it slow with you in my bedroom. You aren't exactly easy to say no to, you know?" Dina snuggles in further as an answer. 

"Anyways, I was saying. Would you want to come to Utah with me? Joel's brother and his wife live in Ogden, and we could road trip it out there." Dina wants to shout out a responding yes over the valley below them, but she stops herself. Don't get carried away, Dina. Ellie just confirmed she is trying to take it slow. Meeting extended family this soon didn't seem like a good plan. Ellie tenses under her arms. "You don't have to answer now. Think about it, ok?" Dina nods.

On the way home, the two stop at the grocery store to pick up stuff to make some proper snow day comfort food. Dina is pushing the cart as Ellie hunts down the produce. Dina is stuck in her own head as usual. Overthinking the idea of meeting Ellie's family and what it all means. She compares that with how she felt yesterday when she was standing next to Riley at the park. Every day this became riskier and riskier for her heart. 

Suddenly she notices Ellie talking, loudly, to someone near the stack of onions. She is far enough away that Dina can't make out what they are saying, so she starts moving closer. Ellie's eyes are darting around the store nervously. Before Dina gets too close, she realizes why. The guy she is talking to is another student. Dina instantly stops in her tracks. She abandons the cart right where it stopped, and she turns on her heels before practically running out of the grocery store. Hopefully, he didn't see them together; hopefully, he didn't see Dina at all.

Dina makes it out to the parking lot before remembering that she wasn't the one driving. Fuck, it was freezing, and now she wasn't sure where to wait. What if this guy walked out with her to the Jeep. Luckily there was a gas station just across the parking lot from the grocery store. Dina makes her way quickly through the rows of cars, scanning for any familiar vehicles. Once in the gas station's relative safety, she texts Ellie to tell her where she is.

Up until this point, the two hadn't really thought about how small Jackson was and how hard it would be to go out in public. They had mostly been emerged in their own world locked behind Ellie's bedroom door, but this experience tells her that their budding relationship would be anything but ordinary. Going out together meant taking risks. Dina mourns the fact that they likely could never go on a proper date, at least not without some substantial precautions in place.

Ellie picks her up in front of the gas station a few minutes later. "Did he see us?" "I don't think so. Fuck!" Ellie is as freaked out as she is. "That was too close. We need to have plans for shit like that." Ellie nods, and Dina reaches behind her seat to look in the single grocery bag Ellie left the store with. "Only onions?" "Fuck Dina, I didn't want to get the cart you left there. What if he saw you leave it there?" Dina bursts out into laughter, and Ellie joins in. "You are fucking adorable, you know that?" Ellie gives her that dangerous side smile, and Dina knows immediately what her answer to the Christmas invitation would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My wife's ex was that type of chick. She was down with her but she didn't want her to move on. While I was being overly jealous and possessive, I like to think it was cause I was picking up her territorial behavior from jump.
> 
> The trip up the mountain was something my wife did for me. We don't often get a ton of snow here in Central NM, but the foothills of the city do. She drove me up there and it was so fucking romantic. It was the point I knew I was hopelessly in love with her and there was no going back.
> 
> My wife and I actually didn't spend Christmas together this first year. I drove her halfway home to Las Cruces and her mom met us and took her the rest of the way. We talked every day for hours on end and I think it solidified for both of us that we never wanted to be apart. 
> 
> In other news. My wife is starting to get suspicious about what I am writing every day. She keeps trying to catch glimpses on my screens. Hopefully, she waits until this is done.
> 
> Sorry for the crazy typos in the last chapter. Like I have said before, no beta here. I write and then post. Keep those comments coming though. They are everything!


	29. I need more than to knock it down I'm really trying to lock it down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is hard to hide things when you are falling in love and careless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Ms. Fat Booty by Mos Def

Dina wakes up to Ellie softly strumming some cords on her guitar on the edge of the bed. It's a marvel either of them is awake after the marathon that lasted into the early morning hours. Dina feels hungover, despite not drinking. Luckily it's the weekend. "Water?" She croaks out. Ellie stills her palm over the strings to stop the noise before setting the guitar on the floor at her feet. She reaches out to her drafting table and plucks a half-empty water bottle off of it for Dina. Dina downs it greedily. 

"Good morning," Ellie drags her legs back up on the bed as Dina groans into the pillow under her head. "Well, aren't you in a great mood this morning." "Ugh." Ellie begins peppering kisses up and down Dina's bare back and shoulders stopping with a gasp when she flips her over to continue her assault on her chest. "Oooopppps." Her grin is sheepish as her fingers graze the area around Dina's collar bone. Dina had been previously refusing to open her eyes in stubborn protest, but after her gasp, she is sharply angling her head down to try and glimpse what the redhead is fixated on.

"What!? What is it?" Dina is worried now. "Nothing. It's nothing. No one will notice." Dina props herself up on her elbows. "Ellie?" The redhead blushes a little. "It's just a little..." "You didn't" But as Ellie turns to reach for a small mirror on her dresser, Dina notices a deep purplish mark right under her ear. It is dark, large, and in a horrible spot to try to hide; too high for a collar and far enough away from where her auburn hair falls to be obscured by it. "Fuck." Dina mutters it to herself in panic. 

Ellie hands her the mirror, and Dina tries to act normal. She feigns being annoyed at her own red splotch Ellie left on her chest as she prepares to let the redhead know about her own problem. "Sorry?" Dina tries not to smile at Ellie's half-assed apology. Of course, the redhead isn't really sorry, just sorry that maybe Dina would be bothered. "You are not Ellie Williams." Ellie smirks and cocks an eyebrow, taking Dina's response as a challenge. As Ellie leans into Dina to start kissing her neck, Dina breaks the news quietly. "Guess we're even now."

The redhead jumps back to sit. "Excuse me?" Dina chuckles and points to the offending spot on her neck. Ellie grabs the mirror from beside them and gasps in horror as the massive, dark hickey shows up in its visage. "Fuck!" Dina winces. "Dina!" "Sorry?" Part of her really means it, but she also thinks it's kind of funny. "You have such sensitive skin. I barely sucked there. I don't even remember when that could have happened." Ellie is rubbing on it as that would make it magically disappear. It's all very comical. Dina can't help herself anymore; she bursts out into uncontrollable laughter. Ellie turns swiftly and gives her an incensed look. "Are you kidding me?" Dina doubles over in laughter now. "How am I supposed to hide this!? I have work today!"

Suddenly the doorbell rings. Both women look at one another. "You didn't forget someone from school had to come by, right?" Ellie shakes her head no but jumps over Dina's legs under the covers to look through the blinds. "Oh, fuck!" "What!?" Dina instantly starts pulling on her clothes from the floor. Ellie answers by scrambling over the blankets and pulling on mismatched colorful socks. "Jen is here." Dina feels like she should know how this is by Ellie's tone. "Who?" "Jen, you Jen from our class, JEN!" Ellie is panicking. Dina recognizes the problem. "Why?" "Abby must be showing her the house. She might move in here." Dina wants to scream. Why can't shit just be getting easier instead of harder every moment they are just trying to be together.

"What do we do?" Dina is already pulling on her shoes. Ellie is twisting her fingers in her hands rapidly while looking around the room in a panic. They can hear Abby laughing in the living room already. "My truck is in front of the house, Ellie." "I know, but at least it's not in the driveway." Dina starts to panic, too, now. 

Suddenly Ellie grabs a milk crate filled with spray cans and dumps them on the carpet. She jumps practically over the bed to the window above it and peaks out the blinds again. Before Dina can ask what the hell she's doing, Ellie pulls the blinds open and shoves the window upwards. The cold air rushes in, making Dina scramble to put on her sweatshirt. "Ellie, what?" "Help me get this fucking screen off!" Dina is next to her in a flash, and the two push the screen out of the windowpane. Now it's obvious what's going on. Dina feels silly. What kind of grown-ass woman has to sneak out her lover's window? How did she end up here?

Ellie tosses the milk crate out the window between two snow-covered bushes. "You have your keys?" Dina fishes through her pockets in a panic. Thankfully she finds them. Who knows what would have happened if they were in the kitchen or the Purp. "So this would be your room." They hear Abby talking to Jen in the room right next to Ellie's. "Where's Ellie?" Oh fuck Dina hops out the window so fast and luckily lands on the milk crate. The fall would have been a little too high otherwise. 

Dina assumes that Ellie will simply shut the window and emerge from her room as if just waking up for the day, so she grabs the crate and window screen and moves them behind a larger bush, away from the window. But to her utter confusion and surprise, Ellie jumps through the window and rolls on the snow as she lands horribly. Dina doesn't stop to ask why. Instead, she sprints to her truck and sticks the key in the ignition. She should have put on one of Ellie's hoodies to try to hide her appearance. Ellie is at the passenger side a second later, banging on the window. Dina fumbles with the lock as she throws the truck into gear and takes off down the street.

Ellie is watching the back window of the cab like someone is chasing them. Dina starts laughing uncontrollably again. "Why the fuck didn't you just leave out the front door, Ellie? You're' supposed to live there!" Ellie turns to look at Dina in a moment of realization before she joins in on the laughter. "I got freaked out and just ran." They are both laughing so hard, Dina has to pull over immediately, despite how close to her house they are.

After coming down from their fit, Dina wipes the tears from the corners of her eyes and drives the rest of the way to her house. Ellie pulls down the sun visor to look in the mirror at her hickey. Dina was hoping the excitement of just now would have made her forget. "I look like some kind of floozy!" Dina snorts. "Did you just say, floozy!?" Ellie gives her an annoyed look and pushes the visor back up against the cab's roof. "That's really what you want to do right now?" Dina sucks both her lips into her mouth to stop her laughter. "Sorry." "No, you're not!" Dina pulls the emergency brake and shuts off the truck. "I am. Seriously." She fights hard to look sincere. "You are fucking gloating. You are not sorry." Ellie crosses her arms, and Dina knows she is bothered but not angry. "I am. Look, I think we can cover it up. Ok? I promise I'll help." She hops down from the truck and pulls Ellie into her house. 

Dina vaguely remembers an old wife's tale about a cold spoon, but she doesn't have any cutlery. Maybe it just needs to be cold metal? Dina grabs the old flat head screwdriver she borrowed from Ellie and Abby to assemble her furniture and tosses it in her otherwise empty freezer. "What in the fuck?" Ellie looks utterly perplexed. "I don't have spoons," Dina says matter-of-factly as she rushes into the bathroom to procure some of her make up. "Oooook." Ellie is watching her run around. Dina passes her again in the kitchen to make her way into her bedroom and into the closet. She pulls out a small box of scarves and bandanas. "Just in case she says as she dumps them on the kitchen counter.

"Ok, we have to wait for the screwdriver to get cold." "What the hell for?" Dina turns to look at Ellie. "A cold compress on a bruise is supposed to help." She pulls her phone from her pocket to check the time. They have a few hours before Ellie is scheduled to go to work. "So a screwdriver is a compress?" Ellie still isn't getting it. "Just trust me." "How Dina? That's how I got the hickey in the first fucking place!" Dina feels terrible now. The redhead seems to pick up on her guilt and thankfully pulls her in for a hug. "Asshole," she punctuates it with a kiss to the tip of Dina's nose.

Abby called Ellie as they were waiting for a pizza to arrive. She told Ellie that she covered as best as she could, and it didn't seem like Jen had noticed that Dina's truck was out front when she got there. Both women felt a little more at ease, but Dina was still concerned about what it would mean if Jen moved into their house. "You think your 'compress' is ready?" Ellie smirked as she air quoted the word "compress." Dina rolled her eyes and rushed to the freezer to check. It was indeed freezing cold. "Ok, come here." Ellie wiped her hands on her jeans and made her way under the bright kitchen lights. "Tilt your head." The redhead complied, and for some reason, Dina had an urge to bite down and suck on the same spot. No wonder she created a hickey in that particular place. She tamps that desire down and starts pressing the flat side of the cold screwdriver into Ellie's neck.

"Fuck! That's cold." She squirms, and Dina tries to hold her still. "And sharp. Shit!" "Stop moving." "Is it working?" Dina hopes to see some results or something that would indicate this isn't as ridiculous as it looks. Instead, it appears to be making it worse. The skin around the purple bruise is now turning angry red and pink. "Dammit!" "It's no working?" Ellie is panicking. "Ok, we can use makeup." She tosses the cold screwdriver on the counter. Ellie looks skeptical. 

Dina is several shades darker than Ellie, so good blending will be a necessity. What Dina did not account for was how dark the actual hickey was. Every new layer of makeup makes it look worse. The dark area grows and grows as Ellie grows impatient. "Dina, stop. This isn't working." Dina pulls away, and Ellie looks so irritated that Dina has no choice but to test the waters and kiss the redhead. "I need to wash this off."

"You can shower here," Dina suggests cheerfully. "Why would I shower here?" "Because Jen is still at your house, and do you really want to climb through your window, shower, and then try to hide this thing from them on your own?" It seemed more logical in her head, but now that she said it aloud, Dina is questioning her reasoning ability. A bit later, Ellie emerges from the shower, smelling like flowers from Dina's shampoo and body wash. It's pleasant but not her. Dina chuckles. Maybe now she smells like a "floozy" as well? 

Dina resorts to the last-ditch effort plan of the scarf. Ellie wants a bandana, but the way she wants to wear it won't cover anything. The hickey has no doubled in size from the constant attention they had been giving it. Dina selects a thin scarf with a dark stripe pattern as Ellie text's Abby to ask her to pick her up from Dina's and bring her work clothes. Luckily the two had the same shift today. The two women look over Ellie's outfit in the mirror once Dina meets Abby outside in the driveway to grab Ellie's clothes. "I look crazy. Who the fuck wears a scarf indoors with a polo?" Dina bites back a laugh again, opting instead to kiss the woman she loves goodbye and send her out the door to quell Abby's impatient honking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter cracked me up to write. Both of these incidents happened, except the hickey occurred in the spring, when wearing a scarf is completely ridiculous. Jumping out the window in our case was compounded by cacti under the window so that was fun. My wife legit panicked and followed me out though, even though she could have acted like she was going somewhere and left through the front door. We still laugh about that. The hickey, however, is still a sore spot for her. She gives me hard time about it. In all fairness, her skin is super sensitive and I barely sucked. Hardly all my fault, right?


	30. I want to hold the hand inside you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dina has to face some demons, in more ways than one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Fade Into You by Mazzy Star (Another tune my wife plays for me. This is Lesbian music before there was "Lesbian Music" ;) )

Jen has already started to move into Ellie and Abby's by the beginning of the next week, making Dina thankful that Christmas is approaching quickly. She hasn't been over to Ellie's almost all week, but the redhead has been spending more time at her place. The lack of amenities and creature comforts there is becoming increasingly glaring. This was particularly the case because finals were coming up at the end of the week. Ellie needed the internet and her drafting desk to get her work done. Dina lamented that this would undoubtedly mean more time away from one another. When did she become so bad at sleeping alone all of a sudden?

"I need to head to school to run some test prints. I hate not seeing you all day until class." Dina smiled as her hand ghosted over her empty bed. She hated waking up clothed and alone now. "Fuck. Tell me about it. But after you turn in all of your finals, we can spend every day together until the new year!" Dina hopes that she isn't overstepping in assuming that Ellie wanted the same thing. As quickly as she thinks it, Ellie responds with a heart eyes emoji. 

"One exception, though..." Dina winces. Maybe she changed her mind about Dina going with her to Utah? "Saturday night, we're having an Ugly Sweater/end of the semester party at our house." Dina instantly gets jealous. She knows that there is no way she can attend but that there would be a handful of gorgeous girls there drinking with Ellie. Hundreds of depressing scenarios scream through her head. That's the problem with being in love with someone who you just can't tell yet. There are so many feelings and no guarantees. Dina desperately wants a promise she can't ask Ellie for. 

"Teach? You ok?" Clearly, Dina has been lost in her own brain for far too long. "Sorry, was making breakfast. See you in a few hours in class. Miss you." She types and deletes the last two words several times before deciding to leave it in the message and hit send. It's true, she does miss Ellie, more and more as each second passes, but she didn't have to go into the detail of it. 

The prospect of that level of longing increasing exponentially as the two of them pass one another on campus and never get to touch each other over the next few days is upsetting. Never-the-less, Dina decides that Friday night, she will prepare dinner for Ellie in celebration of her completing her first semester of art school. The two of them could have a secluded romantic evening at her house, with a little planning. See, Dina still didn't have pots, pans, dishes, utensils (as was evident by the infamous hickey incident and subsequent screwdriver "compress"), or a damn table with chairs to sit at. Despite her week being chalked full of group grading sessions and final student presentations, Dina resolved to make it to a store to pick all of this up. It would be an early Christmas present to herself with some of her leftover paycheck from not having so many bills to pay anymore. It was funny that she actually saved money by moving out of Jesse's parents when he had initially convinced her that moving in would be cheaper. He failed to mention that she would incur far more bills than necessary to support him and his lavish spending, regardless of how much "rent" she paid his parents.

The thought regarding credit cards brought up something she had forgotten about for several days. Instantly she jumped up from the bed and went to the kitchen to look through the small stack of mail she had been accumulating since finally changing her mailing address. There was a ton of junk mail, some from her payroll regarding the change in the direct deposit account and a few from her bank. Not what she was looking for. 

She hopped on her phone to check the loan app for the vehicle payments. Of course, her truck payment had been taken out of her new account automatically on the correct date. The SUV, however, that payment hadn't been posted for some reason. Dina noted that it no longer was connected to their old joint bank account for auto payment. She figured maybe Jesse had sent a check in the mail, and that was the cause of the delay. Either way, Dina didn't want to wait around to see and get dinged with a late fee. She was the primary account holder on the loan (his credit being a complete shit show), and it was her credit on the line.

Dina figured that calling him instead of texting made the most sense. That way, he wouldn't misread her tone. He picked up on the third ring. "Dina?" "Hi. Jesse." She wanted to start right into the matter at hand, but she decided to make small talk, no matter how awkward it was. Maybe that would put him in a better mood? "How've you been?" "Fine." Ok, this was not starting off well. "That's good to hear. How's the academy?" "Fine." Yea, she wasn't going to get much more. "I'm glad. So..." "Are you, though?" Why did he even pick up? "Look Jesse. I didn't call to fight." "Well, why did you call? Decide that you aren't gay?" She wanted to throw the phone against the wall and watch it shatter into a million pieces. He was really testing her patience. "That's not how it works, but hey, I just wanted to ask you a question." "What isn't how it works, Dina? Didn't you just fucking decide you were gay once you met that student and then leave me for her?" 

Dina breathes in deeply and holds it to keep from yelling something she might regret. "Jesse, I am not going to argue about this. I just need to know if you paid the loan of the SUV or not?" "Fuck Dina! Is all you care about money?" That presumption couldn't be further from the truth. She simply wanted what was fair. Her patience is growing thinner by the second. "Just tell me if you paid it?" "I'm not a child. I'm a man. I can handle paying my own bills without you." "Not what I was asking, but should I take that as a yes?" "Fucking Yes, Dina! Shit!" "That's all I need to know. Thanks." He hangs up before the last word leaves her mouth. So much for ever being friends.

By Thursday night Dina is exhausted and lonely, but she at least has plans for the night. The faculty is having a holiday party at Chris's, across the street from campus. She ran home to pick up the white elephant gift she bought earlier in the week. Ellie comes by to meet her for a quick hello before she heads to some dive bar to have beers with her classmates. She looks exhausted. Dina knows what a shock the first finals week in art school can do to a new freshman. The burn out is always shocking to them the first time. 

"Hey baby!" Dina can't help it slipping out of her mouth. The two haven't seen one another alone in days, and that is a lifetime in honeymoon phase time. "You survived!" Ellie groans as she buries herself in Dina's arms. "I missed you so fucking much." Dina can't tell if it's the comment or the fact that she says it into Dina's neck that makes her knees weak. Part of it could definitely be that her body has been deprived of physical touch when she had become accustomed to it. They both breathe one another in, and Dina wants to drag her inside and worship her for hours under the sheets. 

"Will you come stay with me tonight?" She can't even help herself. "I'll be out late, sweetie." Dina swoons over the term of endearment. "I don't care. Please." Ellie pulls away from her slightly to plant a kiss on her cheekbone. "Anything you want." Ellie kisses her again, so slow and soft Dina feel herself melt on her feet. It makes Dina want to pull her hair and stick her tongue in her mouth. That many days without Ellie has turned her fucking desperate and almost unbearably horny. It's so bad that Dina knows Ellie only needs to touch her in the right way to set it off, and neither of them would be making it anywhere on time. "I can't wait." Dina punctuates the sentence with a faint breathy moan into Ellie's ear. The redhead pulls her in tighter and gasps, "Fuck..." Clearly, both of them are thinking the same thing.

"We better go before we don't go anywhere." Cooler heads prevail as Dina reminds herself that a few more hours will be more than worth the wait. They exchange a chaste kiss to avoid getting too heated again and head to their individual parties.

Dina tries to get into the party. The white elephant gift exchange is hilarious. Chris is in rare form, playing party host, and Cat keeps trying to get Dina to do shots with her in the kitchen. She obliges but makes sure to spit some out into her chaser every time. It would only make things difficult if she was too drunk by the time Ellie made it to her house.

"How is the party?" Dina smiles down at her phone screen. "Good. But I'd rather be with you in bed." She smirks and goes back to chatting with Nicole about the validity of group grading. "Oh, yea? What would we be doing if we were there?" Nicole is mid-sentence when Dina reads Ellie's response. Poker face Dina. Her blood runs hot and thick, and she was already so horny this isn't helping. This isn't exactly the ideal time or place, but Dina makes a conscious decision based on what she thinks it will result in later tonight. 

"To start, I'd strip for you." She responds to Nicole's point in agreement. "Ok, that is def happening. And then what?" Dina is in the middle of her own point as she types out a response. "Your turn." Several minutes go by, and she becomes engrossed in the conversation with Nicole again. That is until Ellie's response makes her lose all composure. "I would explore your body with my tongue. Fuck, I miss the way you taste." Dina feels herself break out in a sweat. Her brain is both trying to stay on her previous train of thought and attempting to play out the exact scenario Ellie planted in her brain. Nicole seems to notice Dina flush. "Dina, are you ok? You just got really flushed." Dina responds by rising from the couch and excusing herself for some air outside. 

Once in the quiet of the cold night, Dina calls Ellie. "Fuck Ellie. I need you now. Please." She doesn't even say hello, and just resorts to instant begging. The redhead laughs on the other end. The bar sounds noisy for a Thursday night. "Everyone else is going to some club right now. Come pick me up here? I'm a little buzzed to drive." "Which bar are you at?" There isn't even a question; Dina is going now. "The Tipsy Bison on Main." Dina is already unlocking her truck. "Be right there." She fires off a text to Cat and Chris to tell them she isn't feeling well, thinking Nicole will corroborate her story enough to get a pass. 

The Tipsy Bison is the divey-est of dive bars in Jackson. Dina had been here once before with Jesse's friends, and she swore never to return. The beer was always cheap and warm. The lines probably hadn't been cleaned since the place opened in the 90s. The tables were only slightly less sticky than the floor in the bathrooms. It was poorly lit and smelled like stale air, old beer, and sadness. She noticed nothing had changed, but the place looked so much better with Ellie sitting at the bar. Dina glanced around the bar to make sure no other students were lingering. When she saw it was safe, she came up behind Ellie and leaned over to whisper in her ear. "Can I buy you a drink, miss? You look mighty lonely here by yourself." Ellie swiveled in the stool and gave Dina a drunken, crooked smile. Well, she seemed a little passed buzzed at this point. Dina tries not to feel too disappointed. After the week she had, the redhead deserved to let loose and celebrate.

Dina takes the stool next to her. "Hey you." Ellie smiles at her again and finishes her beer. "M' drunk." Dina smirks and nods. "Should we head home?" Dina catches herself. "Home" isn't her house, at least for Ellie, it isn't, but Dina thinks she wouldn't mind if it was. "let me get your tab closed out, ok? Stay here." Ellie nods slowly. By the time Dina returns with her card and the receipt to sign, Ellie is sagging onto her folded arms across the sticky bar. She shakes the redhead, awake gently and helps her scribble something on the ticket. 

On their way out to the truck, Dina laments at having to go another night with Ellie's touch. Regardless, though, she is glad she is here to take care of Ellie. A part of her wants to show Ellie just how much she wants to take care of her, and this is the perfect opportunity. Acts of service are a way to show love without saying it, so Dina grows giddy at the prospect of Ellie, realizing how deeply Dina feels for her. As Dina starts planning out everything from what PJs she will dress Ellie in, to what she will do to handle her hangover tomorrow, Ellie rolls down the window. It's freezing outside, so Dina is surprised by the sudden rush of cold air into the cab. "You good?" Ellie sticks her face out the window and leans on the sill. "Feel dizzy." She is slurring, and Dina starts to worry that she is much drunker than either thought initially. "Ok, well, we are almost there. Unless you want some food?" Ellie groans in disgust. 

"Alright. No food. Hang tight, k?" "Take me home." Dina looks over at her. "We're going to my place, ok. Almost there." Ellie sits up suddenly. "No. M-place." "Ellie Jen lives there now. I can't stay with you to take care of you, remember?" Ellie turns to look at her. The look in her eyes is one of annoyance. Dina is totally taken aback. Ellie has never looked at her like that. "I wanna go home. You can't take care-a me." She says it with venom. What was that tone? "I can't leave you alone like this." "No!" She is starting to sound genuinely mad, and Dina is confused. "Why can't I take care of you." "I don wan-you to." Dina wants to break down in tears. What does that even mean? Is she just drunk and combative, or is this deeper? "You don't have to be embarrassed..." "Dina! I said.." She hiccups and her tone flattens out a bit. "Take me home." Dina nods silently, trying not to cry as she passes her street and pulls into the driveway to let Ellie out. 

She instantly panics as the redhead unbuckles her belt and practically falls out of the truck into the driveway. Dina does not want to leave her like this. Something terrible could happen. "I'm right nearby if you need me. I don't care what time it is." Ellie waves her hand dismissively before flinging the cab door shut. Dina watches through tears as Ellie stumbles into the house.

Back in her bed, all alone yet again, Dina tries to figure out what the fuck went wrong. This was not how she saw her night going. They hadn't been in alone in days, and Dina just assumed that Ellie had wanted to end that streak tonight as badly as Dina did. Even if it meant they spent the night with Ellie puking in the bathroom, Dina just wanted to be with her. But what was more upsetting was the redhead's glaring aversion to Dina taking care of her. Dina conceived thousands of horrible explanations for this before an hour passed. All of them centered around the same outcome. Ellie didn't love her the way Dina loved Ellie. Sleep wasn't going to come tonight. There was too much worry and hurt swirling inside her, creating a potent cocktail that made her want to pace the tile floors of her small house. 

Dina kept checking her phone, hoping that she just somehow didn't hear a message from Ellie apologizing, explaining, or simply telling her she was alright. Nothing came, and Dina watched the sun rise from her new couch. She had cried herself dry and finally realized in her delirium that what Chris had said a week back was right. She was tying her happiness and well being to someone else too soon. If that was ripped away from her, what would she have left? If something like this could leave her so broken, anything worse would ruin her surely. At this moment, Dina realizes that she is terrified at the prospect of being so hopelessly and uncontrollably in love with someone who could potentially not feel the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was a tough week for sure. I remember it vividly. I could not have been more devastated to be forced apart, even for a good reason. Her drunken evening and insistence that I don't take care of her made me terrified that she didn't feel the same I did. It's an awful feeling when you realize you are hopelessly in love with someone and that they might not feel the same.
> 
> A huge continued thank you to everyone for the kudos and comments. Those comments are such a joy to read and I truly look forward to them. It helps me keep motivated even on days when I'm feeling too tired to write.


	31. Wasting my time in the waiting line

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dina learns that being alone can be ok, if you have the right "medicine." She also learns some things about Ellie that shock her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from In the Waiting Line by Zero 7

Dina drags herself out of the house as soon as the time was acceptable for venturing out. She hadn't slept at all the night before, but she felt sure sleep would continue to elude her despite being tired enough. Her original plan had been to buy all of the necessities for making a romantic dinner for her and Ellie, but after last night that plan was in serious jeopardy. It had been hard not to call or text the redhead all night and into the morning, so Dina purposely turned her phone off and left it at home during her outing. That should prevent her from doing something she knew she shouldn't because if she was being honest, her latest actions hadn't exactly been well thought out.

Luckily all of the things she needed couldn't be picked up in one place. Dina was enjoying picking out the things she had never thought about buying for herself, at least not alone anyhow. Of course, every once in a while, her mind would flit to the redhead and her harsh words the night before, but for the most part, Dina was adequately distracted. By the time she hit the grocery store, Dina had resolved to make a lavish dinner tonight, including champagne, for no one but herself. 

On the way home, Dina stopped herself from making a detour to drive past Ellie's. She wanted to make sure the woman was ok, but there was no way in hell Dina was going to let herself get over her hurt that fast. Dina was the queen of holding on to hurt, picking at it like a tender wound until it formed into a proper scar. She kept shit like this close, and despite her best efforts to let it go, Dina could be fucking petty once spurned. Still, she figured that avoiding Ellie all together for the time being was more effective than feeling whatever the fuck this was she was feeling. If Ellie caught on to how hurt Dina was, it would be obvious how deeply she felt for her, and then Dina would have lost any semblance of control in the situation. 

Once home, Dina unpacked the groceries and kitchen essentials. Sadly the dining set would need to be delivered tomorrow, but Dina just took it as a sign that she was meant to have dinner alone tonight. Dina prepped everything and put the enchiladas in the oven to bake. Times like this called for comfort food, and her grandmother's recipe was just the thing she needed. 

Dina cracked open the first bottle of cheap champagne. Martini & Rossi Asti was her ritual for anything noteworthy in her life. It was a habit she picked up in high school after stealing an old bottle from the back of her parent's liquor cabinet on her 17th birthday. That night had been remarkable, indeed. Since then, she always drank it the same, straight from the bottle, alone or with other people sharing in the celebration. Tonight she lifted the bottle to herself and went about enjoying the overly sweet bubbly drink. Cheap champagne is perfect for nights like tonight.

Her laptop was blaring some old house music as she made her way to the bathroom for a quick shower. Shower drinking seemed like a grand idea, and she stayed in until she started to smell the amazing food in the oven begging to be taken out. She chuckled as she padded through the house naked for the first time in her life. Dina had never lived alone, and this was something she wasn't used to. After pulling out the casserole dish full of bubbling goodness, Dina grabbed a sports bra and some boyshorts to lounge around in. The first bottle of Asti was almost half gone, and the alcohol was doing wonders in numbing the pain of her broken heart. 

She cut herself a considerable chunk of enchiladas and drifted back to happier times. Having diner with her entire family every Friday at her grandparents. Suddenly she was reminded of where she came from. Her heart settled finally, and she felt resolved that everything was fine, just like this. Dina was happy with where she was and who she was. Of course, the growing love for a certain student still lingered somewhere inside her, but Dina knew that she would be ok without it. That was at least what she told herself at the moment. After finishing her food, Dina decided to throw on some relaxing music and lounge around until the bottle of Asti was gone, and she could pass out.

"Dina? Are you home? Please answer the door if you are." She could barely hear the loud knocking over the music. At first, it sounded like part of the beat in her still sleeping mind. She groaned as she threw herself off the couch and onto her hands and knees before pressing herself upright. The grogginess pulled at her limbs and eyelids as the Asti still coursed through her veins. Her legs waived as she dragged herself towards the front door.

"Fuck! Stop banging. M' coming." The knocking stopped. Dina threw the door open to reveal Ellie. Her eyes were a little puffy around the edges, and her skin looked pasty. Clearly, she had quite the hangover this morning. Morning? Fuck, the sun was already down. How long had Dina slept? It was still light out when she finished her "romantic" dinner for one. Dina rubbed her eyes with her knuckles and watched as Ellie's green eyes roamed over her in clear surprise. Shit! Dina was practically naked, standing in her doorway. No one knew what to say, and Dina kind of wanted to shut the door and go back to her comfy spot on the couch. This standoff was a waste of time.

"What, Ellie?" She didn't have time to drag this out. She was tired, still buzzed, and heartbroken. Not to mention that second bottle of $10 champagne was calling her name right about now. "Am I..." The redhead glanced over Dina's bare shoulder. "Are you alone?" Dina couldn't help the mirthless laugh that left her mouth. In the scheme of things, one could see how this looked. The smell of delicious food wafting out the door, jazz emanating from her laptop and her, champagne buzzed and half-naked. "Just come in. I'm freezing." She turned and left Ellie to close the door behind her. Dina made an immediate beeline for the fridge and her second bottle of Asti.

The pop from the cork made the redhead jump as she stood awkwardly in the living room. "You can sit if you want." Dina took another bite of her delicious food straight from the casserole dish before sticking it in the oven to keep warm for her inevitable round two. Ellie sank into the couch, both her feet planted flat in front of her and her hands between her knees, twisting those fingers vigorously. She looked nervous. Dina made a quick stop into her closet to grab a shirt and headed back to her couch before taking a swig of her second bottle and pulling on the shirt with one hand. 

"Want some?" She feigned it as trying to be polite, but it gave her some delight in knowing the redhead was likely too hungover the even consider alcohol. Ellie put up one hand almost immediately and shook her head no. Dina responded by taking another drink and settling back into the couch. "Did you cook?" Dina sighed. This is ridiculous. "Ellie, what're you doing here?" It came out meaner than she had initially intended, but after Dina thought, "Fuck it," and just went with it. She figured she had every reason to be pissed. "I just wanted to make sure you were ok. Your phone is off, or you blocked my calls." That last thought made Dina smirk into the top of the heavy green bottle. No way in hell she would ever block Ellie's calls, but it was interesting that the redhead thought that her antics the night before might have led Dina to do something like that in the first place. 

"Obviously, I'm fine." Ellie nodded in her direction before going back to staring at the floor. Despite all the hurt in her blood stream, Dina suddenly felt terrible. "And you? You good?" The redhead turned her head, now hanging below her shoulders in apparent remorse. "Hurtin'." Dina wasn't sure if she meant the inevitable hangover that came along with the level of drunkness she achieved the night before or something else. "Just take some painkillers and down some water, and you'll be fine just in time for tomorrow's party." It was passive-aggressive, but Dina was trying hard not to succumb to her dangerous urge to take care of this woman who clearly did not want that from her.

Ellie took a deep breath, and it scarred Dina. It seemed like she was steeling herself for something. Just then, Dina realizes that the nature of her visit could be much worse than anything Dina imagined. She had been so set on making the redhead suffer that she hadn't considered that Ellie was there to break this off. Her brain goes back to her moment before her nap. She tries telling herself that this will be ok, she will be ok but faced with the actual prospect of it was a whole different ballgame. 

"I don't really know how to say this." Dina squeezes the neck of the bottle in her hand. Her ears tune into the song playing so she can remember never to play it again after tonight. It would be a sad reminder forever. "Just say whatever you need to, Ellie. It's fucking whatever." Ellie looks up at her with her brows knitted, anger, and confusion written all over her face. "Whatever?" Dina takes another drink and rolls her eyes. Was this woman trying to break her? Did she want Dina to beg and grovel and come apart at the seams? It seemed like a whole other cruel level, but Dina didn't know how these things went between two women. The dynamic already seemed so different, so much more painful and complicated.

"Dina, I'm sorry about last night." "Yea. But?" Ellie looks confused and sad now. It makes Dina's heartbreak even more if that's possible. "No but. You didn't deserve that." Dina purses her lips as her eyebrows raise some. The look is stony and cold, but she needs to protect what little piece of her dignity and heart she has left. There is no way she is showing her cards now. Ellie can never know that she fell in love with her. Immediately Dina starts planning out in her head how she will get teh last word in. Something to sting and leave this heartbreaker to dwell on. Something poignant enough that if she ever realizes her mistake, it will haunt her on lonely nights or those when she wishes the body next to hers was Dina's.

"I guess I fucked this up, huh?" Dina practically jumps out of her skin. That was absolutely not what she was expecting. "What?" She can't help the complete shock in her voice. "I told you I had baggage. I just didn't want it to fuck this up, but I think I did." Dina is thoroughly dumbfounded. She sets the bottle down at her feet and runs her palm over her face to try and shake the mixture of anger, hurt, drunkenness, and confusion from her brain. Wasn't Ellie here to break this off?

"Anyways. I'm fucking so sorry. I know you don't want to hear excuses or anything, but I at least wanted you to know I was sorry and I regret drinking so much." "You regret drinking so much?" The anger flares back up inside her instantly. Ellie turns to face her immediately upon hearing her tone. "You told me you didn't want me to take care of you. You practically yelled at me for trying to help, and you're sorry you drank too much!?" Ellie hangs her head. "I vaguely remember that." Dina rolls her eyes again. "I don't buy that shit of not remembering things when you're drunk. I think the true you comes out, uninhibited and unfiltered, and you said you don't want me to take care of you." Dina stops there. Any further, and they would be forced to talk about where something like this is honestly headed if one person doesn't want to be taken care of when vulnerable.

Ellie takes another shaky breath in. "Are you telling me that wasn't you? Next, you're gonna say you didn't mean it." Ellie looks up at her; those green eyes look pained, and Dina is sure tears could fall from them at any moment. It completely disarms her, and she hates it. She desperately clings to her anger to protect her for as long as possible. "I meant it." Dina leans back with her mouth agape as if someone just punched her square in the chest. "I don't want anyone to take care of me because..." Dina stops her. "Do you think you're the only one who doesn't want to need someone, Ellie? Fuck!" Ellie shakes her head, no. "Please. Just let me finish." Dina crosses her arms to cover her heart from whatever comes next. "I have a hard time trusting people, and that makes it difficult to be vulnerable around anyone." All Dina hears is that Ellie doesn't trust her. Well, fuck, the feeling is mutual. 

"Look, I know this isn't an excuse, but I grew up in the system, and being vulnerable in front of anyone could lead to some really bad shit. I mean, it led to some really bad shit." Dina's arms were not protection enough from this. Her heart crumbles. She pictures a little Ellie, alone in the world, with no one to love or care for her. No one to teach her how to love or be cared for. "I just don't know how to not be in that headspace most times. I mean, I'm already way better with you than anyone else, but I get that maybe that isn't enough for you." Dina can't fully process what she is hearing. Her thoughts instantly went back to Ellie, crying outside her classroom a few months ago. That whole incident made her think that the redhead was perfectly fine expressing herself. How else would she have had the gumption to break down in front of what was effectively a perfect stranger? "Anyways. I'm sorry I can't give you what you deserve. I should have known myself better, but I really thought..." Dina quiets her rambling with her index finger over those soft lips. She uses her thumb to pull Ellie's gaze towards her. 

"I'm sorry, Ellie. I'm an asshole. I should have heard you out." The redhead shakes her head no softly so as not to break Dina's hold on her chin. Again, Dina tries not to tell Ellie she loves her. Fucking zero to hundred too quick, and Dina is standing in line for another ticket to this crazy rollercoaster. "Can you at least promise me one thing?" Ellie's eyes widen. "Anything." Dina wants to ask Ellie to love her forever, but that is far too much right now. "Try to let me in?" Ellie smiles weakly. "I already am." Dina gives her a side-eye as if to ask if that was her final answer. "But I'll try harder. Dina I...I really want this to have a fair shot." This? Not quite the confession of love Dina was hoping for, but Ellie had acknowledged what was going on between them for the first time. Not only that, but she said she wanted it to "have a fair shot." While it was still non-commital, knowing what Dina had just learned, this more than enough.

Dina pulls Ellie into her, and she feels the moment the redhead's body relaxes in the embrace. It is even more significant now that Dina knows how hard even that has to be for the woman in her arms. "I'm glad you came over here unannounced." Dina plants a kiss on Ellie's lips, and the redhead sighs into her mouth. "What're drinking?" Dina chuckles. "My signature drink. Cheap champagne, straight from the bottle." Ellie smirks. "And you cooked? Did you have a date or something?" Dina knows she's teasing, or at least she hopes she is. "I wanted to. With you." Ellie wraps her long arms over Dina's shoulders and presses their foreheads together. "Well, I'm here now." "You hungry?" Ellie gives her that dangerous smile. "I have a feeling I will be after." She wags her eyebrows, and Dina is sure she has never seen anything sexier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, we have some growth on both parts here. IRL this was a tough conversation. The way we both really trigger the other's insecurities sometimes so while finding one another and falling in love was easy, everything else takes love, understanding, and work. We have gotten better and better at this over time but even after 12 years, we can still hurt one another without even thinking about it or realizing it.
> 
> Continued love and gratitude for the kudos and comments. I enjoy replying to all of them so please keep them coming!


	32. Why don't you tear my heart, the chain is made of string

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dina is a hot mess. She cannot handle not controlling everything and falling hopelessly in love means no assurances, no control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Notion by Tash Sultana (if you have never heard her music I highly recommend it, not to mention she is a certified babe)

Dina wakes up to Ellie running her fingertips over the sharp part of her hip bones and down the outside of her thigh. "Mmmmm. What're you doin?" She is still half asleep and not entirely sure this isn't a dream. "You are so soft." Her fingers make their way up to her rib cage, causing a small shiver up her spine. "Like the softest thing ever. Did I ever tell you I have a thing for soft stuff?" Dina turns to face her and plants a quick kiss on her lips. 

"Oh, yea?" Ellie has progressed from fingertips to her entire palm at this point. It is running down Dina's side and over the ridge of her hip. Ellie stops to run her index finger in the dimples on her back, and Dina can't help her eyes falling closed under the feeling. No one has ever touched her like this in all her life, and she is not sure she could ever go back to living without it. Ellie has ruined her. "Yea, I love soft things. Like really love them. I fall asleep rolling the sheets or blanket between my fingers, but now I can just touch you." Her hand moves from the small of Dina's back even lower. Dina whimpers. As if the mind-blowing sex wasn't enough to keep her captivated, Ellie had to take it one notch further and worship her like this too?

Just things were getting good, Ellie's phone starts vibrating on the tile floor behind her. "Do you need to..." Ellie keeps kissing Dina softly, grumbling against her skin. The phone stops and then starts again. Ellie huffs and rests her forehead on Dina's chest in frustration. The buzzing stops once more, and Dina hopes that's the last of it. She pulls Ellie into her body tightly, trying to coax her into continuing with the task at hand, but then the phone starts it's complaining again, this time hitting the leg of the bed and making a louder, more obnoxious noise. 

"Just answer it." Ellie rolls over to reach around on the floor, blindly. By the time she pulls it up from where it's traveled under the bed frame, it has stopped ringing once more. Ellie swipes at the screen, and Dina is trying really hard not to look at the lock screen to see just who the hell called so many times. She tries to keep her eyes averted; she really does, but her eyes glimpse a name for the three missed calls and subsequent voicemail. 

"Tessa." Dina knows the name. It's is one of her students, a sophomore. Instantly Dina recalls seeing the two chatting a few times between classes in the halls or the quad. Tessa is beautiful, tall, with honeyed skin, short curls that frame a face with slight freckles on her cheeks, and naturally red lips. Most noticeably, she is tall, taller than Ellie, in fact. Ellie appears to notice that something is off with Dina as her free hand works under the sheets to grasp Dina's lightly. She taps play on the voicemail and holds it to her ear. Again, Dina tries not to intrude, but she hears a portion of the message as clear as day. "...can't wait to see you..." 

Ellie hits delete on the message and tosses her phone to the foot of the bed before rolling over the kiss Dina slowly. Dina tries to stay in the moment. She fights to keep her mind from fixating on the message, but she can't help it. "Everything ok?" This fucking jealousy and insecurity are going to be the death of her. What she really wants to ask is who the hell was that and why can't she wait to see you? "Mmmhmmm." Ellie keeps running her hands down Dina's sides, and Dina is dissatisfied for maybe the first time ever with Ellie's hands on her naked body. Well, not exactly that, but still. "Must've been important if they called so many times." Dina is trying to skirt the issue as best as possible, but her stupid brain is screaming to interrogate Ellie. Answers above all else are what she needs. Actually, scratch that; assurances would be better.

"Naw. Just someone needing to come by later." Dina tries to occupy her mouth with Ellie's neck, careful not to latch on too hard lest she cause another hickey incident. At one point, she even bites down, making Ellie whimper, but she can't tamp it down anymore. "Oh, yea? Who?" Ellie pulls away from her with her brows knitted in confusion. "Is this seriously what you want to talk about right now?" Her smile is soft, and her tone teasing, but Dina really does want to talk about this right now. Dina shrugs in response to avoid saying something even more stupid than she already has. 

"Are you ok?" Dina pauses a bit too long to be convincing. "Yup." "Yup? Ok, what's going on?" Fuck, Ellie is on to her. How does she get out of this without talking about how she feels? How does she skirt that she wants assurances that Ellie isn't seeing anyone else? And most importantly, how does she avoid scaring the redhead off, particularly after her confession the night before? Dina is having a mini panic attack and trying hard not to show it.

"I'm good." But she isn't, not at all. She realizes everything they have done so far is enough to chain her heart to the redhead, but that damn sure isn't a guarantee. Kisses aren't promises, and Dina has caught feelings, crazy strong feelings she can't keep at bay. For as much as Ellie seems into her, Dina has so many doubts. Ellie keeps so much hidden from her. Although Dina now knows why it is a dangerous combination when paired with her over-analytical mind and fragile heart.

Ellie responds by cocking her scarred eyebrow at Dina and squinting. She is clearly trying to read her, but Dina is fighting to keep any semblance of a poker face. "Just a customer, ok?" Dina nods again, still unconvinced. None-the-less, Dina tries to maneuver her way out of this precarious situation as best as she can. "Why don't they meet you at the party?" Admittedly it's not that deft of a maneuver as it is still digging for information in some manner. Ellie rolls slightly to lay on her back. She swipes her hand over her face. Dina hopes she isn't annoyed. Fuck, she looks annoyed. "Who knows. Maybe she wants to pre-game?" Dina has gotten it out of her that it's a female, at least.

The silence is awkward between them for the first time, maybe ever. Dina can feel herself fucking this up. It's like she's watching it unravel from outside a window. She wants to slap herself out of it, but she just can't fucking help it. "Oh, a girl huh?" Fuck Dina! Just shut up already. "Uh huh." Ellie turns her neck slightly to look at Dina. Her face looks as if she is waiting for Dina's inevitable follow-up question. It makes Dina lose her nerve. The silence drones on as Dina begins silently scolding herself.

"Right. Guess I'll go take care of this and help Abby and Jen clean for tonight." She sits, and Dina wants to beg her to stay. Ellie pulls on her clothes as Dina watches, frozen in her bed. "What about you?" The question shakes her from her self-deprecating reproach. "Huh?" "What are you up to today?" Ellie is pulling on her socks and shoes. "Oh. I need to get going on my grading." Ellie nods and swivels on the bed to face Dina. "Do you have a lot to do?" Dina rolls her eyes and lets out an exasperated sigh. "Too much." Ellie smirks and nods once. "Well, go easy on us, Teach. I'll text you later?" Dina smiles, but behind it, the gears are turning a million miles per hour. Ellie leans down to kiss her sweetly before she hops up and tells her goodbye.

Before she knows it, Dina is alone in bed, again. This time with ever more questions swimming around in her brain. What did Ellie mean by "go easy on us?" Was that a hint to give her a good grade? Dina pulls the sheets up over her head. What if this was all a ploy to get better grades? That wasn't something Dina had thought about up until just now. Part of Dina instantly wants to dismiss the thought. There is no way someone would go through all this just for a grade, right? And besides, Ellie does seem so genuine when she isn't being secretive. Fuck! She was secretive or guarded at the least far too often for Dina's paranoia. 

"You're alive!" "Don't you answer the phone like normal people? A hello would suffice, Chris." She is calling in back up. "Fuck normal people. They're boring." True enough, Dina thinks, but maybe they are easier to handle. This shit is too much for her. "So where did you really run off to the other night?" Dina was hoping he bought her lie that she wasn't feeling good. "It's a long story. Wanna grab lunch, and I'll tell you all about it?" "I'll call Cat. Met you at the usual in an hour?"

Two hours later, the three of them are parked in a corner booth of their favorite cafe. Dina still hasn't heard from Ellie, but to be fair, she hasn't reached out either. Her two best friends are sitting across from her, seemingly scrutinizing every word that has left her mouth in the last hour or so. "Why are you so worried about everyone else?" Cat was so matter of fact that it makes Dina wish she could just look at it in black and white like that. Meanwhile, Chris is rolling his eyes as he plays with his straw in the most obscene manner for a weekend afternoon in a cafe. 

"I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I feel like I'm crazy." Cat and Chris share a knowing look. "What?" Cat turns to face Dina, a somber look spread across her face. "Dina, is this the first time you've felt like this ever?" Instantly she goes back in her mind, way back to high school. She distinctly remembers feeling this crazy and oddly jealous over her best friend. Come to think of it, she was a redhead too, and coincidently she also had gorgeous green eyes, oh fuck! The truth smacks her in the face. Suddenly she feels like she can't breathe. This cannot be the same thing. That had ended so painfully; please don't let this be the same thing. "I've felt like this before." "With another woman?" Dina nods back at Cat. 

Chris finally stops sucking on his straw. "And how'd that turn out for you?" Dina winces at the painful memory. "Horrible. We don't talk anymore." That was the short version, and thankfully, they take pity on her and don't pry. "Ok, well, then fucking stop!" He leans in to sneer at her after the order. "Stop what, Chris? I would stop it if I only knew..." "Dina, you are obviously in love with her." Well, now the secret was out. She was hoping to avoid admitting that out loud. Dina looks down at her hands as they play with her straw wrapper. "I can't..." "Can't what?" "Stop loving her." Cat laughs, a full loud laugh. It makes Dina's jaw clench in anger. "You can't stop loving someone, Dina. He means stop trying to control everything." Oh, well, that makes much more sense. Now only if she knew how to even start doing that. Her entire life had taught her the necessity of being in control. It is how she survived, and better yet, it's how she thrived, professionally at least. In her family, little else was prized above control. But truthfully, Dina had felt entirely out of control since the first day of the semester when Ellie walked into her classroom.

"I don't know how to do that?" Chris sucks his teeth. "You are being re-damn-diculous, Dina. Just tell her how you feel and move in together so that you can buy a Subaru and adopt fifty dogs." Cat snorts into her water glass. "Chris, that is not the lesbian fairytale ending." "Where's the lie, Cat?" Dina is too busy pondering the prospect of telling Ellie she was hopelessly in love with her. The other two across the table tear into a heated debate over the "lesbian happily ever after," but Dina is going over every nightmare scenario possible in her mind.

"So we agree? Sensible vehicle, house, dogs OR cats, no lesbian bed-death? What about cottage core versus power couple penthouse?" Dina chuckles, but she still is lost in her head. Perhaps their road trip next to Utah was the perfect time to tell her? No better way to ensure someone doesn't run off than to get them when they are trapped in a car with you for hours on end. But what if it goes south while they're out there and Dina has to stick around in a strange house, with Ellie's family after all this. 

Suddenly Dina's phone dings with a new message. "Hey, Teach. I know this morning kinda freaked you out." That's an understatement. "You know you can ask me anything, right?" Dina starts chewing on her lips, trying to decide what to respond with. She notices that Cat and Chris have stopped their stupid debate to watch her with bated breath. Her phone slides across the table so the two can see the last two messages. "Just ask her, Dina. You two are fucking, at least that counts for something, so she needs to be honest about the possibility of her messing around with anyone else." Cat nods in agreement.

Her fingers type faster than her brain works to make this tactful. "What's up with you and Tessa?" She hits send and turns her phone sideways so everyone can see. The three dots haunt the screen, and Dina's heart flutters in anticipation. "She's just a friend and classmate." Dina knows Ellie can't say she is a customer in text messages, and she is frankly thankful. No need to complicate shit by having Cat and Chris know Ellie's method of paying for private art school tuition. Dina looks up into the faces of her friends. They don't seem to have any more advice, or if they do, they don't offer it. 

Her fingers get to work once more. "I kind of overheard her voicemail saying 'she couldn't wait to see you.'" When she sets the phone back down, Cat clenches her teeth, and Chris facepalms. Ok, maybe that wasn't the best thing to say. It makes her sound like she is snooping. "I don't know why she said that. She is kinda a flirt, but I promise nothing is going on." Dina wants to breathe a sigh of relief, but she just can't. Cat watches her face closely. "Not convinced?" Dina looks up at them, searching for some sort of solace. None comes. It makes her sink back into her seat in defeat. She pulls her phone from the center of the table and excuses herself to go to the restroom to question her life choices.

Ellie sends another message when Dina doesn't respond. "Are you staying home tonight to grade?" "Yea." "Ok. I'll come by later if that's cool?" Dina isn't sure why. Does the redhead feel obligated because of now obvious insecurities? This is the dichotomy of being Dina. She both wants answers but doesn't want anyone to feel obligated. Now Ellie was leaving a party to come see her. While she wants Ellie to do that, she wants it to be because Ellie misses her, can't go without seeing her, and not because Dina needs to be reassured. She stares at herself in the mirror, remembering feeling this same way almost ten years ago. These same feelings led her to blow up everything with her first love and best friend. She knew what she was capable of because of that, and the prospect of history repeating itself is too much. "Ok, just come by whenever."

Dina has been deep in grades and student's code for hours now. She is glad she had so many leftovers considering Ellie almost ate the whole casserole dish the night before. It makes it easy for Dina to stay in the zone and not have to worry about food. She does wish she could have a beer, but drinking and grading was undoubtedly a horrible idea. 

The knock on her door is loud, and Dina can hear laughing on the other side. She glances at the clock on the stove and sees it's past midnight. "It's unlocked." Ellie and Abby stumble into the living room. Dina is amused. Both are laughing uncontrollably, and Dina notices their pupils are blown. Well, this is new. She should be irritated by the sound of Ellie's laugh, so genuine, is like a balm to her latest paranoia-fueled thoughts. 

"Dude, just wait outside, please." Ellie is giggling, pushing Abby back out the front door. "Hurry up, El. The moon is fucking bananas tonight. Hey Teach!" Dina waves from her spot, surrounded by paper on the floor in front of the couch. Ellie fixes her eyes on Dina and flashes a huge toothy smile. She looks so good tonight. I mean, for Dina, that is the norm, but she looks particularly hot this evening. Dina instantly wonders who else at the party is thinking the same thing. 

"I missed you." Ellie is on her in a second, pulling her up from her makeshift throne of paperwork and into her arms. Her hands are running up Dina's arms making their way to her neck before running a thumb over her bottom lip. Dina instantly melts. "You missed me huh?" Ellie doesn't answer, instead choosing to kiss Dina, deep and passionately. The bones in her legs turn to liquid, and all of the blood rushes below her waist. "Kissing you feels so fucking good." Dina wants to rip the buttons on the flannel she is wearing apart. 

Both are panting, and Dina notices her pupils again. "You're high." It's not really a question. "Shrooms." Ellie shrugs, and Dina instantly becomes jealous. She always had fun on mushrooms in her younger days. It was always healing and transformative and made her feel honest and connected and... Dina cards her finger through the hair at the back of Ellie's heck, scratching at her scalp. The redhead almost purrs in response as her eyes flicker shut. 

"So about our conversation earlier..." This is a dangerous game, but Dina is going to hear the truth about how Ellie feels about her one way or another. Ellie is putty in her hands at this point. "Uh huh?" "Anything else you want to tell me about Tessa, or Riley or, I don't know, other women?" Both hands are in the auburn hair now, and Ellie is melting into the floor, it appears. "What other women?" She breathes heavily onto Dina's lips. "There's only you, baby." Bingo! Dina smiles into the kiss. If Ellie only knew how much Dina needed to hear that. Her heart is banging in her chest wildly; no, wait, that's that door. 

"Ellie? Come one, we need to get back. Someone's gonna notice." Dina turns to look towards to door in annoyance. "Go on, baby. Come back when everyone goes home?" Ellie nods, her eyes still shut. Dina kisses above each eyelid and helps her make her way through the maze of papers on the floor. "I'll be here waiting for you, ok?" Ellie licks her lips and lets Abby pull her out into the cold night. Dina stands, staring at the closed door in complete shock. There was no one else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I cannot stress how hard it was for me to be so hopelessly in love with someone who was kind of keeping me at a distance. I understood why but still it was driving me crazy. I am 100% a control freak and this tendency in my wife triggers jealousy in me that I cannot cope with. I am normally not jealous but in this case, I totally lost my mind. 
> 
> This chapter also hints at a past love from high school we will talk a little bit more about in future chapters. Put it his way, I felt like this situation could head down the same exact path. I admittedly do not do well when I feel out of control so to try and prevent heartbreak, I sabotaged that potential relationship and came damn close to fucking this one up too. But again, we'll talk more about it later.
> 
> My wife did leave her own house party to come see me and it made me feel incredibly special. Particularly because I was feeling so needy and vulnerable at the time.
> 
> I have like 3 weeks of vacation coming up so I'm looking forward to spending some quality time with you know who, writing on this fic and hopefully finishing my other one. As always, your comments are amazing! Love you all.


	33. I just wish we would fight less and we would talk more

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dina and Ellie prepare for their holiday trip and more people find out about their secret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Poetic Justice by Kendrick Lamar

"I'm just going to have to tell her." Dina feels like she can't catch her breath. She is trying to panic, honestly, she is but the thought of yet one more person knowing is making her nervous. "Isn't there another way?" She wants to hint that moving in with her could mitigate all of this mess, but that is far too much. Ellie tilts her head to face Dina. Her auburn hair is a mess, bunched like a crown around her head. How is someone so attractive this early in the morning. It's really unfair. "It'll be ok. She will be cool." Dina isn't convinced. She doesn't know anything about Jen, at least other than that, she is a freshman and a photography major. Dina had noticed she seemed young, so when Ellie told her the girl was only 20, Dina isn't surprised at all. If Ellie thinks it will be fine, maybe Dina should just trust her?

"When will you tell her?" Ellie chews on her bottom lip, and Dina is jealous she isn't the one with that lip in her mouth. Focus Dina. "I guess tonight?" Dina has grades to turn in tomorrow. She will need to be locked in and wrapping everything up this evening, so it actually worked out. "Don't get her drunk before you tell her. We need her to remember." Ellie sits up and shoots Dina an incredulous look. "I can have difficult conversations without chemical aids. Thank you." Dina snorts, remembering Saturday night. 

"Look. If I tell her tonight, then we leave in two days, and that way, if she freaks out, Abby can do some damage control while we're in Utah. Besides, I need to tell her before it gets too close to the start of the new semester." It's sound logic, but Dina is still worried. "Should I be there?" "Umm, no." Ellie laughs. "Can you imagine us like 'surprise, Jen! I'm fucking our teacher,' and then you jump out?" Dina smacks her as she breaks out in uncontrollable laughter. Normally the sound of Ellie's laugh would make her crack up too, but her brain has now snagged another thing Ellie said. Is that really how she'd describe this, whatever it is going on between them. Some sort of exclusive sex arrangement? 

Dina frowns and crosses her arms before rolling over to scoop her phone off the floor. "What?" Ellie is in a playful mood this morning, and Dina is now frustrated. The redhead grabs her by the waist under the sheets and yanks her forcefully back into her grip. "It will be ok. Promise." Will it, though? Ellie starts kissing down the back of Dina's neck, and it is a welcome distraction from all of her insecurities building up once again. Despite that, Dina is wondering how she can keep going like this. She is slowly coming apart, losing her mind over the smallest things. It's so hard not to feel desperate when what you want is so close. The prospect of having to keep her feelings bottled up during their trip together seems impossible.

The two women are leaving for Utah on Wednesday morning, and Dina is nervous. On top of everything else, her latest crisis is regarding whether she should get Ellie something for the holiday. In her house, Dina's family celebrated both Hanukkah and Christmas, but she figures Ellie is more of a Christmas girl. Still, she is unsure if a gift makes sense. They aren't exactly a couple, but they are something. For now, though, Dina is pretty distracted with Ellie littering open mouthed kisses down her back.

Jen took Ellie and Dina's secret in stride. Still, Dina wasn't exactly ready to go hang out over there just yet, but Ellie had other plans. The night before they were set to leave for Utah, Abby and Jen wanted to make dinner for the four of them; yes, Dina was invited. She was happy they thought of her, but it seemed weird to be having dinner with not one but three of her students. Regardless, Ellie had used that irresistible pout on her hours earlier, and Dina folded immediately.

That is how she found herself sitting at the bar in their kitchen while the three women rushed around the kitchen, making an insanely large meal for four people. The three roommates had made stockings for everyone and tacked them to the wall in the kitchen. Abby's had her name in messy block letters. Jen's had her name in thin script that Dina reckons is how she signs her name. Ellie's is in bubble letters that Dina loves. And finally, there is one for Dina with the name "Teach" in serifed caps. It is such a cute gesture, and Dina doesn't care whose idea it was or who made it. She's just thankful to be included. Again, it's hardly a promise, but it means that she and Ellie are, in fact, something, and her roommates recognize it too. Now Dina is pretty interested in how the conversation with Jen went. Did Ellie share how she feels about their teacher?

"Fuck I forgot to tell you guys!" Jen is still stirring whatever is still on the stove as she turns to look at the three other women in the hot kitchen. "Richard came by this morning." Richard is yet another student, one who apparently has a massive crush on Jen and has been finding reasons to try and hang out. Looks like he found one this morning. "Anyways, we were hanging out in here, and he was like 'Who is Teach?'" Abby cracks up, and Ellie rubs the back of her neck in a nervous move. "What'd you say?" Dina is worried. Too many people already know! "I told him it was the fish." She points the wooden spoon at the beta bowl next to Dina's elbow. All the women turn to look at the fish fluttering in the small bowl and then simultaneously break into laughter. "And he fucking believed it?" Abby is doubled over. "No!" Jen is still stirring while she laughs. "I told him it was short for Le Teach. The fish is French!" Ellie laughs louder causing Dina to choke. Her eyes are watering, and she can't remember the last time she laughed this hard. 

After dinner, the four women head to watch a movie in the Purp. Dina had spent the day rushing around, getting things ready for their trip. She decided to buy Ellie a small gift, and she also got something for their hosts. Everything is packed behind the seat of her truck and ready to leave first thing in the morning. Dina has always loved road trips, especially with people she wants to get to know better. This would be the perfect opportunity to get the redhead to open up some.

Just as she is drifting off in Ellie's arms to the drone of the movie they are watching, her phone goes off in her pocket. Dina pulls it out and stares at it in confusion. It's a message from Jesse. Ellie looks down at her and then at her screen as Dina angles it for her to see. She unlocks the screen and reads the whole message. "Happy Hanukkah and Merry Christmas. Can I see you for Christmas?" What in the actual fuck. Dina feels Ellie tense under her. It's hard not to be hopeful that this was Jesse turning a corner and seeing the possibility of the two of them being friends. You don't share five years of your life with someone and not want to salvage something from it. Ellie's arm loosens around her waist a little as Dina responds. "I'll be out of town, but we can meet up when I get back if you want."

"Where are you going?" Dina knows she should stop the conversation, especially with Ellie right behind her watching it unfold. It is hypocritical to be so jealous of Riley and now entertain the idea of being friends with Jesse, but Dina was never good at letting things go. She had lost so many people in her life already. It wasn't often that she cold cut people off. She decides not to respond at the moment and instead turns to face Ellie. The redhead is staring at the TV with laser focus. She does not look happy, and Dina feels like an asshole. 

"Hey." Her fingers run along Ellie's jawline, trying to coax her gaze downward. "You ok?" Ellie nods but doesn't break her eyes away from the TV. Dina knows she has some shit to fix tonight. She hops up and reaches down for Ellie's hand. The redhead looks at the offering and turns back to the TV. "I'll be right there." Dina tentatively shuffles out of the Purp and into Ellie's room. Usually, she would be undressing in anticipation, but tonight they need to talk. Instead, she uses the time to respond to Jesse. "Sorry, Jesse, but it's kind of not your business anymore. If and when we become friends, I'll be cool with sharing stuff like this with you. I hope you have a good Christmas, and if you still want to meet up to talk after, let me know. I'd like to try to be friends, you know?"

Ellie comes in right as she hits send. "Did you tell him where you were going and with who?" Dina shakes her head no. "Why does he want to meet up?" Dina shrugs. She had wanted Ellie to be jealous so many times. Maybe it would be an indicator of her true feelings but know that it appears to be happening, Dina does not like it. Jealous Ellie is a defensive Ellie. Is she like this too?

"I hope he wants to try and be friends. It would make things so much easier, and I do want that." Dina is honest, hoping that Ellie can tell she doesn't want anything with him anymore. "Does he know that's all it is?" No Ellie! Clearly not, since she won't tell Dina anything that would make it evident to anyone, much less Dina herself, that this anything more than some illicit affair. "I would think so. I just told him as much anyhow." Dina flashes her phone screen, her last response still unread in the message thread. Ellie chews on her cheek and nods weakly. Dina gives her a rueful smile, and the two appear to be at an impasse. Why can't Ellie just use her words and tell her how she feels? If the redhead is jealous, Dina wants to know and help her feel more secure, but Ellie is stubborn. "We should get some sleep. We're leaving really early, right?" Dina sighs gently and leans back into the sheets. This will be the first time they share in bed in weeks while being clothed.

Once the lights are out, Dina reaches for Ellie curled up on her edge of the bed. She wants to tell her it is all ok, everything is fine, better than fine because Dina loves her. But that is a silly, over-indulgent idea. Ellie's back feels like a brick wall in her hands. Dina never thought that touching her could feel this cold. It breaks her heart. "Hey?" Ellie doesn't budge. "Hmm?" "Can you turn around and talk to me, please?" Ellie huffs and turns. "Yea?" "Ellie, stop. What is going on?" The redhead has a good third of her face obscured by the pillow under her cheek. "Do you not want me to come with you tomorrow? I don't have to." "You kinda do." Dina can't stop her brow from furrowing. "I mean, I need you to please." "O.K." Dina isn't sure why and Ellie isn't elaborating. "The tags on Jeep are like three years expired, so I shouldn't be driving that far." What the fuck!? Dina jumps up. Is this fucking deja vu? Does she have some fucking sign on her that says, "Use me?" 

She scoffs and moves to leave the bed, and this disappointing confession. Ellie jumps up with her. "Wait! I'm kidding. I mean, not completely, but I'm just being an ass. I need you to come because I want you there. I'd miss you too much otherwise." Dina looks down at Ellie's hand on her wrist. "Then why tell me you need me to drive because your tags are expired?" Ellie sits on the bed with a gravelly sigh. "I don't do feelings well if you haven't noticed. And your ex texting..." She appears to be choking on the words, but Dina won't let her off the hook. "It hurt my feelings, ok? So I was an asshole back." 

The grown-up thing to do would be to tell the redhead exactly how much being used fucks her up because of said ex, but instead, she digs at her. Dina wants her to admit more. "So you were jealous?" Her shoulders shrug up in unison so quickly Dina almost misses it in the dark. "Ellie. Words, please." "Fuck. I guess." She sounds irritated, but Dina isn't done, not by a long shot. "What are you worried about?" Dina sits next to the redhead and puts one hand on her knee to try to make her feel safe enough to share even more. "I don't know." "I think you do." 

"Fine. Fuck. That you regret leaving him for me." Dina feels like she just took her first breath after being held underwater for far too long. "Oh, Ellie." She runs her hand along Ellie's farthest cheek to turn her eyes towards her own. "I didn't leave him for you. I left him because it was over years ago, and I just didn't end it sooner." Ellie doesn't seem fully satisfied yet. "And even if I had left him for you, there is no way in hell I would ever regret it. In case you haven't noticed, you kind of have me losing my mind lately." It's too much. She shouldn't have said that, but fuck it. "I have YOU losing your mind?" Well shit. Does this mean Ellie has been going crazy too?

"I can't figure out what you want this to be. Like, where do you want this to go." Dina responds with a single forced laugh. Go figure they were both stuck on the same thing. "Same here, Ellie." "How? I told you there was no one else. I told you I am better with you than anyone else. I think it's your turn." Dina hadn't considered that she hadn't really tipped her cards to Ellie at all in her neediness. She assumed that all of her actions and words had been more than enough, but the redhead is right. If anyone hasn't said enough, it's Dina. "Ellie, I..." Don't Dina. Not now. "You have seriously become my favorite person. I love every second I spend with you." She stops short of telling her that she only wants her, only Ellie, for the rest of her fucking life. But that doesn't stop it from being the truth. 

"I'm sorry I'm not good at this, Dina. I really am trying, ok?" Dina smiles and runs her hands through Ellie's soft hair. "Me too. We both are figuring this out as we go. I know I didn't have any good examples of what this looks like in my life. I'm guessing you didn't either?" Ellie nods vigorously. "Are we too fucked up to do this?" Dina juts out her bottom lip. "I don't think so. Do you?" "No, but I don't want to hurt you or..." "Get hurt?" Ellie buries her head in Dina's neck. "Yea." Dina's arms snake over her shoulders and pull in. "We just need to keep talking. We still are learning one another. I promise to try and be patient if you do too?" Ellie mumbles into her "home," "yes, please." The redhead pulls away from Dina's body to stare into her eyes. The look is making Dina lose her breath. Ellie looks like something is on her lips, and Dina is both scared and excited that she might know what it is. "I really like you, Dina. Like really." That will have to do. It's not time, not yet. "Ditto." Dina winks at her before kissing Ellie breathless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now you know how I got my handle. That story still cracks me up.
> 
> As more people found out about us, my paranoia skyrocketed. Really I wanted everyone to know but the fact that we had to be secretive made me worried that the very thing I wanted (for everyone to know she was mine) would be the thing that ruined it for us.
> 
> My ex was still trying to hang out at this point and my guilt at breaking her heart (despite her admission of cheating) coupled with my need to keep her in my life as a friend was making my wife jealous. She just didn't share it. We were both so careful at this point, well as much as you can be when you are already this involved. neither one of us wanted to label anything yet for fear of freaking the other one out. It was those walls we were both putting up that made the other more skeptical and guarded. It was a bad vicious cycle.
> 
> Anyways, road trip next!
> 
> Keep those comments coming ya'll. I love them!


	34. I met her before you she wore the sweetest perfume

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dina and Ellie hit the road and get to know one another even more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Katie W by Fenix TX

Ellie is NOT a morning person. Dina is surprised all the times they met for coffee that the redhead was so chipper and up. On top of that, she seems to have anxiety about taking trips or leaving her comfort zone for extended periods of time. It wasn't really Dina's idea to leave at 6am, but for some reason, Ellie wants to make it to Ogden well before lunch. Regardless Dina is up first and shakes Ellie awake after she is already dressed for the day.

"No." It's kind of cute and comical how grumpy she is right now. "Come on. You wanted to leave this early." Ellie groans into the covers. "Les jus stay." Dina can barely make out the words through the down comforter. "Ellie, why did I set an alarm for this hour on my vacation if you aren't going to abide by it?" Ellie thrashes under the covers in protest. "All you have to do is get dressed and get in the truck. Then you can sleep." The covers shoot down under her chin, exposing her closed eyes, frown, and messy hair. "Yea fucking right! Like I can get comfortable enough with how close you have to have the seat to reach the pedals." Dina scowls and waves her hand dismissively. "You saying I should buy a new truck just to accommodate you?" She's only halfway joking. "Or let me drive." Those green eyes sparkle back at her in hope. "Maybe once you wake up more." Ellie sucks her teeth and rolls out of bed begrudgingly.

The two finally make it out of the house, after several trips back inside for one thing or another that Ellie would remember, at 6:30am. Then there was the trip to get gas, which Ellie insists on paying for throughout the trip and finally breakfast. It's quarter past seven by the time they get on the highway headed south out of Jackson. It doesn't matter to Dina. She likes to drive fast, but neither of them seems to be much in a hurry. The winter weather had been temperate, luckily, so they were hopeful they wouldn't have to contend with any delays or hazardous winter conditions.

Leading up to the trip, Dina had spent far too much time creating playlists, specially curated for the journey down, time while they were there, and the return drive. Despite that, she also has prepared loose talking points. There are things she wants the redhead to know and, more importantly, questions she wants answered. Ellie seems to have lightened up now that she has some coffee and food in her, but she still seems anxious.

"You nervous about seeing family?" Dina can't imagine what else it could be causing these nerves. "Not really." "Well, what's wrong?" Dina switches lanes to pass a semi and checking her mirrors, she glimpses Ellie's hands gripped on the door handle next to her. "Are you afraid of my driving?" Dina tries not to sound offended, but she is reasonably sure it comes out like that. "What? No! I mean not yours personally. Just anyone's but my own." How could that be if Dina drove like a NASCAR driver through the smaller streets of Jackson just to get Ellie to work on time? "It's just the highway." Well, that answers that. "Fair enough. I bet I can distract you." Ellie shifts, smacking her knees on the dashboard. "Fuck! How, though?" Dina smiles into the windshield, taking care not to make eye contact and drive Ellie's anxiety up at all. "We just talk." Ellie scoffs. "I'm sure you'll do that anyhow." Dina can tell she's being sarcastic.

"Ok. Ready?" Ellie settles some more. "Go for it." Dina shifts into sixth gear and hits cruise control. "What's your favorite color?" "Purple." Dina angles her head a bit but still keeps her eyes fixed on the road. That was not what she was expecting. "What too girly for you?" Dina responds with an easy laugh. "Not at all. Just...unexpected." "Well, what's yours?" "Orange." She can see Ellie nod slowly in her periphery. "Favorite food." This time Ellie takes a minute to contemplate. "Damn, that's a toss-up. I like soup and pancakes and ice cream." Dina smiles. This girl is so fucking cute. "Soup? Like soup in general or a specific kind." "Nope, just all soups." Duly noted. Dina can make a few soups, but now she needs to add to her repertoire. "Favorite movie?" "Easy! Home Alone!" Dina snorts. "Seriously?" Ellie nods vigorously. "Ok. I mean, it is a classic but a Christmas movie, huh?" "Whatever. What about yours?" "The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari." Ellie leans forward. "What in the world is that?" "It's an old black and white silent film about a somnambulist at a sideshow. It's a classic, and Tim Burton stole all of his ideas and aesthetic from it!" Dina can feel Ellie's stare from across the small cab. "What?" "What did you I tell you about smart women?" A crazy hot blush breaks out over Dina's chest and neck, and at that moment, she hates that she is occupied driving.

The two go back and forth about "favorite" things. This is all stuff they never discussed in their after class sessions, but Dina still knows some of it or can guess from all the time they have spent together. After getting exhausting that topic Dina can tell Ellie is more at ease. Now she decides to turn up the heat. They aren't even an hour into the drive yet, but Dina is impatient. "Tell me about your gay awakening." Dina has only recently heard that term from Chris, but she is dying to know Ellie's answer. "My...gay awakening?" Maybe that wasn't as common a phrase as Chris made it out to be. "Yea, the person or thing that made you realize you liked women." "Oh! Ooooh?" Dina laughs at her reaction. Ellie fixes her gaze on the scenery passing in her window. "You sure you are ready for this?" Dina nods in anticipation. "It was this girl from the home or whatever. We were bunkmates, and we were always causing shit together. She was funny, smart, and a little older than me. I just remember going to bed one night and thinking about how pretty she was. Then I didn't know how to act around her. Guess I fucked that one up, huh?" Her laugh is sad. "What happened to her?" Ellie sighs as she opens one of teh gas station water bottles. "She died." Her tone is so sad that Dina knows there is no way the redhead isn't hurt by that fact.

Dina isn't sure how to handle that admission. In truth, she just wanted to get to know Ellie, not turn this into a therapy session. While she does want to hear about these hurts and nightmares of her past, Dina doesn't want to pry them out like this. Ellie seems to appreciate Dina staying quiet, waiting for her to make the next move. "Sorry to be such a deb." "No, not at all. You know, whenever you want to talk about it..." Ellie stares at her again, and Dina wishes she could turn her head to make eye contact and set the redhead at ease. "Yea." Her voice sounds far away like her head is somewhere else now. "Anyways. What about you?" Ellie is rubbing her hands together in anticipation comically. It makes the mood shift instantly—no wonder this woman is a survivor. 

This was about to be a story, but luckily it was one Dina had thought about and dragged from the depths of her closet a few days ago at the cafe with Chris and Cat. "My best friend in high school. She was..." Dina takes a deep breath. Who knew this would be this emotional, especially considering she hadn't really thought about this for years up until that lunch revelation. "...everything I wasn't. The best student. National Honor Society and shit. In student government. Already planning where to go to college and what to major in." She switches lanes again nervously, the tick of the blinker matching her heartbeat. "And me. I was a fucking mess. I mean, not totally, but if it wasn't for basketball, I wouldn't have kept coming to school at that point. I just preferred to party and have fun. I think I was pretty fucked by family shit, but anyways..." Ellie is staring at her quietly, green eyes watching every word leave Dina's lips, and suddenly she regrets this plan entirely.

"So we became fast friends randomly, and I think she liked how free I was." Dina lets a mirthless chuckle leave her mouth. It was truly ironic that, at the time, she was anything but free. "We started spending every day together. I'd ditch class to take her to her college level Italian classes. I'd drive out of my way to pick her up for school every morning. But I had no idea why I was drawn to her." Ellie is nodding slowly. That must be a common theme. "So one night we go out, and I was always the driver. Probably not the best idea since I was always drinking but anyway, young and fucking dumb. So after going out, we stop by this pizza place in town to re-group before I have to drop everyone off. I had her and two other girls with me." Ellie's smile grows. "Not like that, Ellie!" She puts her hands up in surrender. "Sorry. Go ahead." Her smirk is still visible in Dina's periphery. 

"Well, there was a group of guys in the parking lot. Some guys from school that liked to race their cars or whatever. And of course, she had a crush on one of those douche bags." A single laugh leaves Ellie's perfect lips. "And the fucker offers a ride in his stupid loud car, and she goes! Everyone else in the car has curfew before her, myself included, but she just bailed and went with him." "Let me guess that didn't go over well with you." Dina's face deadpans. "But the fucked up thing was that I couldn't figure out why I was so pissed. Like how the fuck was so jealous of the thought of her with some random dude?" She downshifts almost in anger as the traffic slows in front of them. "What'd you do?" "I fucking bailed. I took everyone else home and went home myself. I figured he could take her home, but then I get a call from her. She left her fucking keys in my car! Can I have a drink of that water?" Ellie unscrews the top and places it directly in Dina's open hand.

"Thanks. So I told her to knock on my window when she got there for her keys. I should have just left them in my mailbox. I was so hurt and pissed and jealous, but more than anything, I was fucking confused by how I was feeling." Ellie is rustling through the gas station bag again, likely looking for the snacks they picked up before leaving. She finds what she is looking for and tears open the pumpkin seed bag. "A bit later, I hear this dumb ass's loud car pull into my driveway, so I run out and meet her on my porch before she can even knock on my window. I thrust the keys in her hand and turned to leave, but she grabbed my hand and pulled me back." "Oh shit!" Ellie has a mouth of seeds, but she is clearly into the story. "And then she is like 'Don't be mad. Why are you mad?' and fuck if I could answer that, right?" Ellie nods, putting more seeds in her mouth. "Then she makes me hug her, and I like half-ass it, you know one of those insulting one arm half hugs. And she fucking calls me out on it and makes me hug her with both arms."

Ellie is leaning towards her now, her torso as turned as she can manage in the small cab. "So I do, and when my head hits her shoulder, I smell it." "What?" Dina shrugs. "Her." The pause is due to her remembering the feeling like it's yesterday. "Not just her Coolwater for women and Big Red gum, but her." Dina flashes back to that exact moment and wishes she had a do-over. She doesn't really want to finish the story because it's so sad to her. Regret was a terrible thing to carry, and Dina had a lot about that particular night. The cliffhanger must be too much for Ellie as she breaks the silence, "And then?" Dina lets a lamenting sigh leave her lungs. "She asked me to kiss her." The tension in the cab could just be her projecting the feelings from this moment, but Dina swears it feels similar. "She was your first girl kiss too?" Dina shakes her nod slowly. It's a sad gesture.

"I fucking just automatically said no. I didn't want to say it, but everything I was taught. My family, religion, all of it told me this was wrong, and my fucking mouth opened before I could stop it." Ellie takes a big chug of water. "You mean there weren't other chances? Did she freak out?" "No, not at all, but I felt her pulling away after that, and instead of confronting my feelings, I blew it up." Dina hates this part, hates herself for it. "We haven't talked in almost a decade and still wonder what if. I figured out later that I was in love with her. Like real love, not high school love." "Did you feel that way about Jesse?" Dina is so beaten down by the haunting memory she just spilled that she doesn't see Ellie's long game here. "No." "What about any other exes?" Dina thinks for a bit, "nope." As the "p" pops on her lips, she is shaken back to the present. Did she just admit to Ellie that she has only ever been in love with one person and that person just so happened to be a woman? 

Ellie rolls up the top of the pumpkin seed bag and shoves it into the door panel. Dina is currently at war with her past and present in her brain. She loves Ellie, the way she loved her best friend in high school. And considering how the last one ended, Dina is worried she can't survive that again. "That first one will fuck you up, huh?" Dina nods faintly. If only the redhead knew how bad the second one was fucking her up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My wife is absolutely habitually late because she hates leaving the house and always forgets things. I am the complete opposite in that regard so it always makes for interesting departures from the house, particularly when we leave for extended periods of time.
> 
> Yes, Cabinet of Dr. Caligari is my favorite movie despite being from 1920. And legit, Tim Burton stole EVERYTHING from Robert Wiene and this film. You can likely see it on YouTube since it's so old.
> 
> Now for Dina's "gay awakening." That story is 100% true and my gay awakening. I have only fallen in love like that twice in my life. Once with this girl from high school and then when my wife walked into my classroom. It was how I knew I wanted to marry this woman, no way I was losing two of them. Funny enough, the girl from high school had bright red hair and green eyes. That cracked me up as I remembered this. Anyways, Ellie is right here. The first one does fuck you up but in this case, it was the perfect experience for me to know what I was feeling when I met my wife. 
> 
> For fun, I think you all should share some details of your "gay awakenings" in the comments if you are inclined. I always love these stories!


	35. She bit my lip, and drank my war

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Car trip to Ogden round 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Love Like Winter by AFI

"Ok, my turn." Dina's eyebrow cocks in response. She is skeptical that what Ellie wants to ask her won't again lead to dredging up some more ghosts. "Shoot." Better to try and sound neutral; at least that's what she tells herself in anticipation. "First kiss." Dina goes to open her mouth immediately and stops as Ellie amends her request. "Wait! First girl kiss." Fuck. Her fears recognized Dina steels herself to pull yet another skeleton from her closet, so to speak. "Seriously?" Dina does not want to share this one, but she is relatively sure Ellie won't relent.

"Fine. Sophomore year in college," Dina remembers this time in her life. She was still living in the dorms. Of course, she had met Jesse, but they were nothing more than acquaintances, prompted to come along on dates, so one or the other wasn't a third wheel when hanging out with their newly coupled roommates. There were a few casual things Dina had going on, one with the football team's back up quarterback and a weekly flirting session with a guy who played in a particularly bad college band. Besides, she had been entirely focused on school and didn't really want anything serious. That was too time-consuming, well, at least that's what she told herself.

"She was my roommate's sorority sister." Ellie snickers next to her. "You stop, or I won't finish!" "Sorry. Just...a sorority girl?" Dina shrugs as she reaches to turn down the heater a bit. Ellie shifts in her seat, waiting for Dina to continue. "Anyways, my roommate invites me to a start of the year hang out at the sorority house. It was just the sisters since school hadn't even started yet." At this point, Dina can feel Ellie's watchful gaze and smirk from across the cab. The redhead was enjoying this all too much. "We are all drinking, Absolut Currant, which if you have never had it, disclaimer it is dangerous." "Noted."

"This girl is hanging all over me all night. And while I think she is cute or whatever, I just assume she is plastered and touchy-feely." Ellie scoffs. "Huh. Sounds familiar." "Excuse me!? I am not touchy-feely." Ellie laughs. "Please, you are definitely flirty." "Says the one who stayed after class every day." Something seems to catch Ellie's attention outside her window as she turns to look away. "I just thought you were hot and wanted to spend more time with you. That wasn't flirting." "Oh? Is that so? What about asking me to dance at the club that night?" The redhead throws her head back onto the top of the bench seat. "That was alcohol-induced courage. Not flirting." "Semantics Ellie. But whatever. Do you want to hear this story or not?" Ellie swipes her hand, palm facing upwards across the cab as if to gesture the floor was Dina's.

"Anyways..." Dina rolls her eyes before continuing. "Everyone gets hungry and decides to walk to the cafe on campus before it closes. I'm staving, so I jump up to go with, and this girl grabs my hand and pulls me back onto the couch." It's hard not to have the same butterflies she had at that moment retelling it. "Now everyone is gone, and I am alone, with a drunk girl I just met that night who has apparently flirting with me all night. And she tells me 'Whatever you want.'" Dina flushes as she remembers it. "Whoa. She broke out the big guns just like that, huh?" Her head nods furiously. "What'd you do? I might have freaked out." Dina chuckles. Ellie was most definitely shy in situations like this.

"I said, 'I want another shot.'" "Smooth!" Dina breaks her rule of keeping her eyes fixed on the road to flash Ellie a deadpan look. "Ok miss, 'I'm too stoned to be around you.'" "Hey! I was paranoid everyone could tell I liked you. I was protecting you!" That is the first time Ellie copped to the whole reason why she freaked out during those interviews. Dina is happy to have an answer to one lingering, albeit small, question. "So you two took another shot?" "We did. Which, in hindsight, was not a good idea." "Why?" Ellie is leaning forward again, watching Dina intently. Why is this woman so captivated by these stories from Dina? All of her talking points had been to find out how Ellie really feels for her, and now she feels totally disarmed and exposed. It is mildly infuriating and deeply concerning that someone can easily take control of the situation from her.

"Patience. We'll get there." Ellie nods. "Well, after the shot, this girl proceeds to pull me into one of the rooms, and I'm full-on panicking. But on the way down the hall, I just think, fuck it. I didn't make the move I wanted to with the girl from high school. I wasn't going to do that again." It is the first Dina has said that out loud. In fact, it's the first time she has realized. Ever since that night on her porch back in highschool, Dina had ALWAYS been the first one to make a move. She was always the one who initiated things. Like she was trying to make up for the regret she felt at not being brave enough to make a move back then.

"By the time we make it into her room, I just pull her into me and kiss her." "And?" Dina shrugs. "It was different. Good, but not because it was her or anything but because it was a woman. Way better than kissing a guy." Dina senses Ellie wants to say something about that one, but instead, she occupies herself with adjusting the heater vents on her side. "But after I kiss her, she just loses her mind. She pulls me towards her bed and takes off her shirt, and I'm sitting there staring at a woman in a bra, and I can't even process if I liked kissing her or if it's ok that I kissed her." That feeling of guilt and confusion was something Dina still fought with, even leading up to sleeping with Ellie for the first time. Because it's one thing to get wasted and kiss girls. Having sex and pursuing a relationship is a whole other thing. 

"Fuck. What'd you do?" Dina chuckles. "I told her to stay right there. That I needed a smoke." She laughs loudly. "I didn't even smoke, but I needed air and to process what was happening. I knew what she wanted, but I was scared and not sure if I wanted the same thing." The two of them laugh now. While it is kind of comical, Dina also hates that she was so worried about all of these things. All of her familial expectations have always held her hostage from really being herself. This is just another sad example.

"But it gets worse." Ellie's laugh fades, and she turns to look at Dina quizically. "While I'm outside in the back, smoking a cigarette from some random pack I found out there, the whole sorority comes back to find her passed out on the bathroom floor in nothing but her underwear. And I'm fucking outside smoking!" Ellie snorts this time. She is laughing uncontrollably. "By the time I make back inside, everyone is freaking out and asking what I did to her. She is so fucked up that she is losing consciousness, so they call fucking 911." "Holy shit!" "Yea, holy shit is right. She had alcohol poisoning, and I got to spend the rest of the night in the ER waiting room with her sisters, who were convinced I fucked her while she was that drunk." The cab grows silent, save for the music Dina now hates that she curated so carefully. 

"Ok. Enough of my failed, fucked up experiences with the fairer sex. Your turn. First girl kiss." She is supremely thankful to take the focus off her. "Damn, mine isn't as good. It was my first kiss ever, though." "Wait, you never? With a guy?" Ellie fake gags. "No! I mean, no offense, just never even entertained the idea, I guess." A small smile creeps over the side of Dina's lips. It is refreshing to be around someone who knew themselves that well all this time. How that was possible, Dina would never know, but for all of Ellie's struggles with other things, her conviction in herself was something Dina admired greatly.

"How old were you?" "Fourteen." Wow, Dina cannot imagine knowing and coming to terms with liking women at this age. She was neck-deep in parochial school at that age. "It was the same girl from the group home. We snuck out, and she took me to this old mall that was closed for remodeling." Young Ellie sounded just as rebellious as she is now. It was pretty on-brand; selling weed, refusing to renew her plates, spray painting, skating, shrooms, it worked for her. "Anyways, she stole me a joke book cause she knew I loved them." "Hmmm..how is it you aren't that funny then?" Dina smirks in satisfaction at her smart ass remark. "I am fucking hilarious. You know it, I know it, we all know it Teach." It's the truth; in fact, it's one of Dina's favorite things about the redhead. Her sense of humor is so fucking sexy. 

"Where was I? Oh yes, the joke book that helped lead to my uncanny sense of comedic prowess." Dina groans. "So she gave me this book, and we just ran around this old mall messing around and causing shit, but we find this music store that doesn't have a gate on it. She found the store PA and put on some music so we can dance. While we were dancing, I don't know...I just kissed her." That's surprising. Ellie didn't seem like the type to make the first move, but maybe Dina misread her. It was the redhead who so boldly told Dina she had a crush on her after "extra credit beers" after all. "It was just like a little peek, but I knew I wanted to that again and again for the rest of my life." Suddenly Ellie's tone shifts and Dina has to turn to look at her; it is so abrupt. 

A sniffle cuts through the tension, and Dina takes her eyes off the road to check on Ellie next to her. She has no idea why, but it is obvious Ellie is crying. Her head is turned to face the window, and the reflection confirms it. Dina walks her right hand across the bench seat towards Ellie and places it softly on her elbow. The redhead responds but adjusting to grab Dina's hand and thread their fingers together. "Wanna talk about it?" Ellie wipes her cheeks with her free hand. "It's just..." Her voice sounds tortured, and Dina considers pulling off the highway to be able to and give Ellie her undivided attention. She can sense that whatever is about to follow is important. 

"Hold on, Ellie. Let me just..." Dina weaves over to the right and barely makes the next exit. The truck comes to a stop just along the shoulder on the off-ramp. She pulls the emergency brake and lowers the volume on the stereo before turning to take Ellie's hand in both of her own. "Go ahead." Those green eyes look so sad. Dina feels a twinge of fear run up her spine. Ellie locks onto her eyes and takes a deep breath. "That was the night she died." The phrase punches Dina in the gut, knocking the air from her diaphragm. Was Ellie there for it? Dina wants to ask, wants to tell her she's sorry, but she recalls how empty that is when people do it to her. 

"Do you...do you want to tell me what happened." Ellie looks down at their hands stretched across the bench seat and connected near the gear shift. "A security guard heard the music and caught us dancing. We took off running and climbed up some scaffolding to try to get away from him. I slipped she came back to pull me up." Ellie is almost sobbing at this point, and Dina's heart is breaking in her chest. People with hearts like this do not deserve the pain and shit that life often gives to them. Up until this point, Dina hadn't truly seen the depths of how sensitive Ellie was. No wonder she resorted to humor so often. Without something, she was just too tender to walk around in such a horrible world. It's almost too much for Dina and her more hardened exterior shell forged by her family and their philosophy of always being in control. She almost doesn't Ellie to finish the story.

"But the weight of two people leaning off one side made the whole thing tip over. I landed on a pile of sandbags and boards. The tubes smashed one of my wrists, but nothing else landed on me." Dina's heart is pounding, and she hopes Ellie can't feel her pulse in her hands. She is trying to stay strong for the girl breaking down in front of her. "She wasn't as lucky. The metal tubing landed on her, and she fell all the way to the ground." Dina wants to gasp, but she exhales a shaky breath instead. Her thumbs rub circles over the top of Ellie's knuckles. It's something to focus her brain on because her heart is collapsing to pieces in her chest. 

"They said she died right away, so she didn't feel anything." Dina instantly remembers them telling her the same thing about her sister and mother, and she can't help but wonder if that is just shit people tell kids to try and make everything more bearable. Ellie appears to be coming down from the story a bit, but Dina doesn't dare move or speak. "Do you think...was it my fault?" Dina can see how she thinks that. In fact, Dina felt responsible for her sister and mother's deaths. Had she not been such a fuck up, they never would have had to visit her at the place. They would never have taken that drive. How can she possibly answer that for Ellie if she can't answer it for herself? 

"I...I don't think so." Ellie looks up from their hands to stares straight into Dina's soul. It is intense, and Dina feels all the air leave the small truck cab immediately. "I mean, I thought I caused my mom's and sister's deaths. I still do sometimes...most times. But then I remember that so many things had to happen for them to be in that car on that day at that exact time. And there is no way in hell I caused all those things too. My part in it all was small and innocent. I didn't fuck up and get to that center so that it would kill them. The same way you didn't slip and almost fall from that scaffolding on purpose so it would collapse." Their eyes are locked on one another. Tears are still streaming quietly from Ellie's eyes. The sight makes Dina want to tell Ellie that everything will be because she is good, so beautiful inside and out. She wants to tell her how incredible she is in every way; that she is everything Dina has ever wanted and will ever want. But this isn't the time, and telling someone you love them is not a proper fix for trauma like this. Dina knows it, and she stuffs those urges down, instead opting to reach across the cab further and pull Ellie into her waiting arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, thanks to all of you who shared your own "gay awakenings" in the comments of the last chapter. They were all wonderful to read!
> 
> As for the first kiss story, Dina's was 100% real. It was crazy for sure but I did end up living in that sorority house for a short time, despite not being a sister. It was a fun time but I definitely made some questionable choices at times, like feeding that poor drunk girl yet another shot before kissing her.
> 
> I thought it was important to add in Ellie's backstory and my wife and I had our own personal, childhood trauma's causing angst at this phase so this is just made sense here.
> 
> So let's try this again. First kiss! And Go!


	36. Someway, baby, it's part of me, apart from me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dina and Ellie arrive in Ogden

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Holocene by Bon Iver (yet another song my wife plays for me)

Ogden was much bigger than Dina had imagined. At this point, Ellie is seeming pretty cramped and restless, and frankly, Dina is tired and could use a reprieve. After the disaster her talking points created on the way there, Dina was finally happy to be at their destination. The two had spent the last hour or so of the trip talking about lighter subjects, such as Ellie's purse. 

"Why in the hell do you carry it? It confused me to no end." Dina tries to impress upon Ellie what a truly confusing the accessory was when trying to figure out the redhead's sexual orientation. Ellie was laughing. "First, it's not a purse. It's a satchel." "Ellie, you and your semantics. It was not a backpack or a messenger bag. It's too small, so what's left?" Ellie gives her a deadpan look that makes Dina want to grab her cheeks and kiss her. "Look, it's a necessary accessory for the job if you know what I mean." Dina's mouth makes an "o" shape as the realization hits her. "Aw. Ok. That makes sense, but still, it confused the hell out of me. I mean, you have some fairly obvious OGTs, but that threw me off." "Ummm, what the fuck is an OGT?" Yet another term Dina has learned from Chris and Cat. She had continued to erroneously assume that they were more universal than they were now appearing to be.

"Obviously gay trait?" The redhead next to her snorts. "Like what?" Dina shrugs as she recalls Cat and Chris's assessment of hers. "For instance, mine are; I drive a truck, I can use tools, I played..." Her eyebrow cocks as she turns to smirk at Ellie. "...softball, I prefer pants to skirts, I own more sneakers and boots than heels. Those are just some of them, I guess." Ellie is chuckling as she appears to be pondering Dina's confessions. The GPS voice chimes in to tell Dina to hang a right at the next light. "You can add tucking your gloves in your back pocket when you wear jeans and your leather motorcycle jacket." Dina whips her head to glare at Ellie. "Whatever. I think these are all circumstantial, but what do I know."

The two have made their way through the small downtown area and are headed towards the outskirts. "What are mine then?" "That's easy. The Jeep, your extensive collection of flannels, the lack of makeup, tennis." She's sure there are more, but those were the ones that came to mind. "And yet a small 'bag' made you question me? Tsk. Well, for the record, even if I had been straight, I would have still been attracted to you." Butterflies swarm Dina's chest as adrenaline courses through her veins. Anytime Ellie compliments her, Dina finds herself trying not to react like a child on Christmas morning. With the redhead being this sweet, it will be nearly impossible not to let it spill that Dina is in love with her already. Couple that with her nerves at meeting Ellie's family, and Dina had quite a hill to climb for the next three days.

Ellie's adoptive uncle, Tommy, and his wife Maria had a small ranch just outside Ogden. It was wedged in a small valley to the west of the central part of the city. Part of Dina is happy that they will be out in the open air, away from the population. But that also means that Dina will not have the usual quick, safe havens to escape to if something goes wrong. It's not that she is anticipating it, but after the experience of dealing with Jesse's parents, Dina isn't as sure-footed as she would like to be when it comes to making a good impression with families.

After a few more dirt roads, Ellie and Dina turn onto a snowy, muddy road leading to the Miller Ranch, or so the sign says. Dina's nerves are kicking in. "Are you nervous, Teach?" Clearly, Ellie picked up on her trepidation. Dina's eyes dart to Ellie's fixed on her in silent reverence. "Don't worry, Tommy's cool." That wasn't exactly the reassurance Dina was hoping for. "And Maria, well she will like you..." Ellie leaves that last statement open, hanging like there is more to say. The silent implication worries Dina. "But?" Ellie shrugs as Dina maneuvres through mud puddles crusted over with thin films of ice. "She is just pretty protective, and how can I say it..." Ellie is staring out the window at the empty pastures just behind the rails of a steel fence. "Direct?" Great. Dina was driving into what felt like a trap. She wanted to ask if they knew how the two women met. Surely an overprotective aunt who is "direct" would have something to say about that.

Her truck finally comes to a stop in front of a large stone farmhouse. Dina wants to find some reason not to leave the comfort of the cab. Things are more manageable when it's just the two of them. For now, she has easily pushed the anxiety that she felt the urge to blurt out her love for the redhead. It's space in her brain now fully occupied with making a good impression. 

Ellie eagerly unbuckles her seatbelt and gives Dina that sideways smile that makes Dina forget everything, and it works, that is, until the front door of the home swings open. A thin man with a noticeable limp emerges from the doorway. He is wearing tattered jeans, a heavy flannel, and a jean jacket. At first, he wears a stoic face, and Dina is instantly regretting coming along. Ellie bolts from the cab, and that's when a smile spreads across the man's face. It makes him look softer, younger even. "Hey kid!" Dina exhales at the sound of the smooth drawl in his voice and the nickname. 

Dina emerges from the cab just as Ellie finishes hugging the man. "So this is your somebody, huh?" Ellie's cheeks flush bright red, despite their already pink hue due to the cold. Dina isn't even sure how to take that observation; there are still no labels between them. "Tommy, this is Dina." Well, that's one way to avoid the situation altogether. Tommy straightens up and wipes his palm on his jeans before reaching for Dina's hand. "Nice to meet you, Dina. Make yourself at home." Despite that statement being something people often say and seldom truly mean, Dina can't help but think it is genuine. Perhaps it is his accent or just the way he and Ellie seem to be around one another. "Let me help ya'll unload."

The inside of the farmhouse is dark yet welcoming. It looks well-loved and lived in the best ways. There are hunting trophies strewn throughout, family pictures on the walls at tables, and an old record player tucked into the corner. "Room is up the stairs to the left. Ellie shows her the way." As Dina follows Ellie up the wooden stairs, she realizes that there is a chance that maybe she would be staying in her own room. Who knows how these people were about Ellie being gay. It is next to impossible not to consider how her parents would have been in this situation. To her relief, they appear to be staying in the same room, however. 

"Where's Maria? Avoiding you as usual?" Tommy chuckles as he sets down their bags. "City council meetin' today, and by the way, that woman adores me." Ellie deadpans, and the banter makes Dina loosen up some. "Anyhow, ya'll get settled, and when you're ready, Ellie, I could use some help cutting down this damn Christmas tree Maria insists we have to have." Just like that, they are alone again.

Ellie seems to pick up on Dina's nerves. "Hey you. Tommy doesn't expect you to cut down a tree with us, you know." Dina snorts as if that was what she was concerned with. "I figured as much." She shrugs and heads to the window to take in the property some more. "Are you tired? Need a nap?" Dina shakes her head no and keeps looking over the snow-covered pasture under the window. "Good because I want to show you something!" Ellie grabs her hand and tugs her out the door before she can say a word. 

Before she knows it, she is sat behind the redhead on a four-wheeler, wishing she had gloves. "Put your hands in my hoodie pocket to keep em warm." Dina smiles into the fabric of Ellie's coat, inhaling the distinct smell of goose down and Ellie's unique scent. She holds one tighter than necessary just to feel close to the redhead. Her eyes are closed, and she has no idea where they are headed. It frankly doesn't matter; Dina wouldn't mind if Ellie drove them all the way to Montana at this point. There is nowhere else she wants to be.

"Ready?" The redhead sounds almost giddy as she pulls Dina from the back of the ATV. There is a large stable in front of them, and Ellie drags her into the first door and out of the cold. "They have horses?" Dina grew up riding with her extended family during the summers on her family's land in the northern part of the state. She had always wanted her own horse but living in the city meant that wasn't an option. 

"Well, one of them is mine!" Dina is taken aback. The idea of this woman having a horse is so farfetched, and while at first, it doesn't seem to match what she knows of Ellie, she loves how much she learns about her with every passing moment. "This is Shimmer." The horse looks older but appears to have a sweet temperament. Both the animal and Ellie seem equally enthused to see one another. Dina watches Ellie's eyes as she scratches the mare's cheek, and it takes her breath away. She forces her bottom lip in her mouth to stop herself from confessing her feelings once again. They weren't even an hour into this stay, and Dina is already struggling against the weight of her feelings. "We can take her out tomorrow if you want?" Dina reaches out to let Shimmer smell her hand. "I'd love that."

By the time they make it back to the house, Tommy's wife, Maria, is back. Dina feels her chest constrict some more. Ellie takes her by the hand and gently leads her inside. Maria is standing in the living room talking to Tommy. "I will not have that man dictating what we can and cannot do on city land. Who in the hell does he think he is?" Her voice freaks Dina out. The way she carries herself and her tone drip of a self-assuredness that implies she is not to be fucked with. When the door shuts behind them, Dina wishes she had stayed out on the porch.

"Ellie!" Her tone is still stern, but she smiles at the redhead before taking her is a quick hug. "Maria, this is Dina." Maria's handshake is the polar opposite of Tommy's. It is firm, businesslike, and is accompanied by an air of formality. "Nice to meet you, Dina. Ellie, what happened to that other girl you brought with you last time?" Dina's heart recoils with her hand into her chest. She strains to avoid showing any sort of reaction on her face or in her body language. Ellie seems undisturbed by the obviously ill-timed query, however. Her reply is a glare. "She wasn't for you, huh?" Maria shrugs so matter of factly that Dina almost chokes on her confusion. Ellie responds this time with a hum of agreement. Maria cracks a small tight-lipped smile and nods faintly in acknowledgment. What the hell was that exchange about?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! Sorry for the long hiatus. I needed some time to focus on other things 100%. I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday and thanks for sticking around if you did. Normal daily update schedule to commence from here on out.
> 
> I will be going through and responded to everyone's comments as per usual so keep them coming.
> 
> Also, since Dina and Ellie discuss OGTs, what are yours?


	37. Keep your heart in your chest and your head in the stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maria confronts Dina and Dina confronts her back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Limos by Vince Staples & Teyana Taylor

Maria prepared a quick lunch for the four of them, and Dina was nervous about the inevitable small talk that would take place during the meal. She was still hung up on Maria's random question regarding the girl Ellie brought with her last time, which Dina could only conclude was Riley. If things had started off that bad in the first ten minutes, who knows how fucked they will become with a more extended conversation? Dina fought the urge to head out to the porch to call Chris and Cat to ask for advice. She reasoned those two were likely not good with families either.

"How's school Ellie?" Tommy's questions had been more about Ellie's hobbies and everyday life. Had she been playing guitar still, how is her Jeep running, when did she last talk to Joel, how was Abby? Maria, on the other hand, was all business. "It's good. Really intense, but good." Ellie shoots Dina a small glance and smirk, and Dina has to stop herself from blushing. "How were your grades this first semester?" Dina sucks in a sudden breath, and Tommy, sitting directly next to her, appears to notice as his hand falters in shoveling more potatoes into his mouth. 

No one at the table, including Ellie, know what Dina gave the redhead in her classes. A slight wave of panic courses through her veins, and her adrenaline spikes suddenly. How would they all take it? "I can't check them until after Christmas. I think the 27th?" It was a rhetorical question, but Dina stupidly answers. "The 28th." Everyone at the table turns to her. Fuck! Not good. "Oh? Are you a student there too?" Double fuck! Dina shoves a massive bite into her mouth at that moment to buy her some time to formulate a response, but what answer would be correct here? She can almost feel everyone's eyes boring through her.

"Actually..." Dina chews faster, hoping to stop Ellie from continuing. "Dina is a professor." She swallows just as the words leave Ellie's mouth. Tommy snorts into his sleeve. Ellie's cheeks go red, and Dina watches Maria's blue eyes turn steel gray. "Is that..." The blonde clearly is thinking the same things Dina would if she were in her shoes. In her head, she starts to finish the sentence for "...allowed?" A cleansing breath and she knows she has to answer. "Not exactly. I sign an anti-fraternization clause." No sense in lying now. It's evident that nothing gets past Maria anyhow. 

Dina can hear Tommy chuckling silently next to her. The blonde shoots him a stern glance, and he is up and in the kitchen before she can tell him to stop. "And what does that mean?" Maria is smart, Dina can tell she knows the answer to her question, but she is baiting her none-the-less. "I'm not supposed to engage in any sort of relationship with my students." "And Ellie is one of your students?" Ellie nods quietly. She seems largely unaffected, considering how nervous Dina is at the moment. Dina would give anything to understand why. "She is and likely will be throughout her time there."

"Anyone want a beer?" Tommy is trying in vain to t-bone this conversation, and it is making Dina more nervous by the second. "Tommy, it's 1pm; who the hell drinks that early?" "I'll take one!" Ellie smiles as she grabs a beer from Tommy's hand. Again, how can she be so cool right now? "Are you two sure you know what you're doing?" Ellie takes a long swig. "Not like we have anywhere to be Maria." Of course, the blonde's question was aimed at Dina and Ellie and had absolutely nothing to do with the decision to drink so early in the day. Regardless, the answer makes Maria drop the interrogation, and lunch proceeds. No one else at the table seems bothered by it, but Dina cannot manage to choke down the rest of her food.

By late afternoon Tommy is practically dragging Ellie out the back door to cut down the Christmas tree he mentioned when they first arrived. The prospect of being left alone with Maria is making Dina feel desperate to come along, but she doesn't want to impose on their time. In fact, she isn't here as Ellie's girlfriend. They don't have a label, and thus, Ellie isn't obligated to babysit her just because her aunt is terrifying. Dina excuses herself and heads up the stairs to find something to do in order to appear busy and not avoidant.

"Hey?" Ellie is in the doorway a second later, looking so relaxed and happy. Dina would love this moment if it weren't overshadowed by the blonde woman downstairs intent on destroying her. "Hey yourself." She tries not to sound curt, but part of her is upset that Ellie let her aunt borderline verbally accost her. "You ok?" The answer to that should be obvious to the redhead. Of course she isn't ok. "She hates me already, and we haven't even known each other two hours." The words leaving her lips make her feel even more upset. All she wanted was to make a good impression, and yet the circumstances of their relationship were in the way once more. On top of it, Dina is policing her feelings, trying not to let her disappointment bleed all over the situation. No need to make Ellie realize how much she feels for her, particularly now that her aunt obviously disapproves.

Ellie closes the door behind her as she takes Dina's hand and joins her on the bed. "Maria does not hate you. She is just looking out for me. I promise." Dina isn't convinced. "Look, the last time I brought someone here. Well, let's just say it didn't go well." Still, what does that have to do with now and Dina? "Riley and I were fighting the whole time because she didn't want to come. She's even worse than I am with family." Dina stops to consider this statement. Ellie grew up without a family, and these people gave her some semblance of it. What was Riley's excuse? "Anyway, long story short, Maria picked up on something about Riley and straight-up asked her why she was with me." At first, the thought of that sort of confrontation makes Dina feel even worse. That is until she thinks about her answer. "I still don't know what Riley told her, but she made me leave with her that night, and it started a massive fight between us."

By the end of the short story, Dina wants to smile again. Not just because Ellie makes her feel so so safe with so little effort, but because if Maria were to ask her the same thing, Dina knows precisely what she would say. "It'll be fine, Teach. You are amazing, and she'll learn that about you too. K?" Dina's heart melts in her chest again. Day one, and Dina is already tallying up the number of times she has bitten back the urge to confess her love to Ellie on two hands. Instead, she leans forward and takes the redhead's lips in her own. 

The two kiss until Tommy yells up the stairs. "Sorry." Ellie is breathless, her forehead pressed into Dina's, eyes still closed. "You ok here by yourself?" Dina nods yes dumbly, still unsure if she speaks English after that kiss. Ellie rewards her stupid confirmation with a slow chaste kiss. "I'll be back in like an hour. Ok?" Again Dina nods. She reasons Ellie could ask her anything at the moment, and her response would always be a head nod in the affirmative. The haze stays fogging her brain until she hears the front door shut forcefully below her. That's when the cold realization sets in. She is alone in the house with Maria, who maybe or maybe not hates her.

After a few agonizing minutes of obsessing over what to do about this situation, Dina resolves in her head down the stairs and met this head on. Hiding wasn't something she did, and if this situation wasn't so complicated by her feelings that she had been trying to keep secret, then she wouldn't be so bothered by any of this. Sure Maria was blunt or "direct," as Ellie had warned, but Dina had dealt with far worse. She convinces herself that the way to make this stop was to show, not say how she really feels about Ellie. If Maria can see Dina is different, then who cares what the circumstances of their meeting were. 

Maria is in the kitchen cleaning up after lunch. "Need a hand?" The blonde turns from the sink to see Dina has already taken a plate from the table to bring to her. "Thank you. Can you put a lid on those leftovers for me?" Dina nods and starts wondering where the lids might be. "Under there." They get into a bit of mindless rhythm, almost dancing around what both really want to say to one another. Dina bites the bullet and starts.

"I understand your concern about me being her professor, you know." She tries to keep her tone even, but inside, her vocal cords feel like they are trembling, making that impossible. Maria turns from the sink, towel in her hands as she glares into Dina's soul. "And you don't have any concerns about it?" Dina leans back onto the table behind her to keep her legs from going slack. She coaxes her next few breaths through her nose. "I have some. Yea." 

"Look, Dina, this isn't personal. You seem like a smart girl. You clearly have your life together, but you need to understand that this is Ellie's shot. Not sure how much she's told you, but nothing in her life has been easy, and she can be a bit..." Dina watches as Maria searches for the right word. "...impulsive? Sometimes too trusting. It's a bad combination that tends to get her in trouble. School is her first chance to do something that is for her." Dina nods in understanding as guilt washes over her. While her intention was never to derail Ellie, she can see how whatever this is could do that just by its nature. On top of it, Dina has practically pushed for things to get deeper, faster. 

"She has told me some things about her past, but I think Ellie does a lot more for herself than you realize. What about soccer and music?" Maria crosses her arms and exhales an exasperated sigh. "My husband and his brother think hobbies like that are enough to make a fulfilled life. But I know better. You need a career. Clearly, you understand that, being a professor so young." Now that sounds like every conversation Dina ever had with her father. The words practically echo in her mind "Be a doctor or lawyer, Mija. Get a Ph.D. It's what your family expects." She shakes the words free from her head. "Sorry, but I don't know if I agree. Truth is, I became a professor by pure dumb luck. It was never what I really wanted to do. Can't say I have my life together any more than her, to be perfectly honest. And frankly, that isn't a bad thing." 

Maria sighs again, but it is followed by a faint smirk. "So what happens if this doesn't work out?" Dina had tried to avoid considering this exact thing, mainly because the thought of losing Ellie breaks her heart in the most violent manner. Despite that, it would be silly not to have a plan to protect both of them. "We continue on where we were before." Maria looks skeptical, and Dina can't blame her. "Dina feelings are messy, and they can cause complications. You mean to tell me if something happened, you wouldn't let that affect your work?" "Not saying it wouldn't be hard, but I treat all of my students the same, no matter what." After the last sentence leaves her mouth, she panics. Of course, she doesn't fall in love with all her students! "I mean not that I start relationships with them." She stutters for the first time during this exchange. 

"I figured as much. So if that was the case, what happens when you have to grade Ellie's work?" Dina crosses her arms over her chest to bolster her answer. "Well, now that you mention it. I almost had to fail her in one of my classes this semester. In fact, she barely passed, but I did it. She has no idea yet, so please keep that to yourself. I want her to get her grades at the same time as everyone else." Dina can tell the blonde wants to smile, matter of fact, she looks downright pleased despite the news of Ellie almost failing a class her first semester. "No one gets a grade they did not earn from me. Period. And on top of that, we never discuss school outside of her other classes. I'd never let feelings get in the way of being fair." That assertation makes Maria nod slowly. 

"And those feelings you won't let get in the way?" That question steals the breath from Dina's lungs. She is absolutely sure a blush has broken out over her entire upper half. If only the blonde knows, that is the million-dollar question. "We haven't discussed any of that. This is still new." The response is an attempted deflection, but Maria doesn't falter. "I see. Well, that makes my concerns even more pressing, don't you think?" Suddenly her tone sounds almost teasing. It is throwing Dina off. "I'm not in a rush." What a lie, but Dina doesn't rationalize it with the admission of her recently ended nightmare of the relationship, the fact that Ellie is her first female relationship, and the big secret; Dina is madly and hopelessly in love with Ellie already.

The rest of the evening goes well. The four of them decorate the tree while listening to records and sharing a bottle of scotch. Maria doesn't drink much, but she does appear to relax. Dina can see the dynamic between her and Tommy and how it mirrors her and Ellie in some ways; Dina being more measured and responsible sometimes, and Ellie being the whirlwind that uproots all that stability and makes life fun. 

By the time the tree is light up in the living room, Tommy, Dina, and Ellie are swaying on their feet. Maria excuses her drunk husband and drags him to their room at the back of the house. Dina is thankful to be alone with Ellie finally. In their short time together, she has never been drunk around the redhead. "Hey gorgeous." Dina's breath hitches at the statement and lustful smirk Ellie is giving her. What Ellie doesn't know is drunk Dina has only one of two desires at all times. She either wants to fight or fuck, and of course, fighting Ellie is never on her mind.

The trip up the stairs is messy and filled with laughs and bumps into the banister and wall. Ellie has her shirt off before they even make it to the door of their guest room. They are both so drunk off the moment, but the literal intoxication of dusting off an entire bottle of high-end scotch doesn't help. Thankfully the bed is close to the door, and they collapse in a messy giggling heap, groping at one another's clothes in a frantic dance to remove them.

"Off!" Ellie is slurring, and Dina stops her assault on Ellie's neck to rip her jeans off her legs. Ellie undresses in an equally uncoordinated effort until they find themselves naked, drunk in the dark. Dina throws herself over Ellie's soft body, and they begin a series of urgent, sloppy kisses. Both women reach for the same spots on one another simultaneously. After some haphazard maneuvering, they both meet their goal, each one with one hand tucked between the other's thighs. And Dina wants this, she wants this so badly. Her eyes are screwed shut, and the intensity of it all is making her dizzy. The world swirls behind her eyelids, and she opens them to realize the room is, in fact, spinning. The combination of it all mingles together and splashes Dina in a wave of overwhelming intensity. Ellie looks equally as lost beneath her. 

"Are you..." Dina stills at the softness of Ellie's voice. "Too drunk?" She finishes Ellie's sentence for her. The redhead chuckles into Dina's bare shoulder. "Sorry." "No, it's ok. I think we are seriously too drunk to fuck." Ellie snorts again. "Thas a first fer me. Love the Dead Kennedy's, by the way." Dina plants a quick kiss on Ellie's nose and rolls off her and onto the bed in a disappointed huff. Maybe it is better not to have sex when intoxicated. She would find it even harder not to tell Ellie she loved her with a drunk mind failing at keeping her secrets in checks. Ellie pulls Dina under the blankets with her, and the two drift off, messy, naked, and drunk, but in one another's arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Props if you got the Dead Kennedy's reference in that last drunken exchange.
> 
> Also, curious if any of you know where the OGT acronym originated?
> 
> As for the conversation between and Dina and Maria here. I had a similar one with my now mother in law. It felt awkward at the time but was 100% necessary. She was just worried her daughter was potentially doing something to compromise her future and I can't blame her. It honestly made me love my wife more. To be fair though, her family is amazing. Her grandparents were so excited when we told them we were getting married and her grandfather insisted I take their last name. I was honored do that once we got married. I can't stress how unusual that is for Latino grandparents who are Catholic. It floored me!
> 
> Anyhow, Christmas is up next for these two. How long do you think Dina can keep her feelings secret?


	38. Tried to steer me near your beaten path of bad company

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie misunderstands Dina

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Rebel Yellow by Cecil Otter (if you have never heard him or the rest of Doomtree, you are sleeping on Minneapolis hip hop)

Christmas Eve was always a big deal in Dina's family, at least her dad's side. The holidays were, in general, celebrating both Chanukah and Christmas meant a lot of food and family. She can't help but wonder if the extended parts of her family carry on those traditions even though her immediate family was gone. Some part of her still aches for that piece back as she recalls her last four Christmases as a part of Jesse's family's celebration. While they didn't do the big Christmas Eve party her family once did, it still felt nice to be part of something again.

"Wha're you doin?" Ellie is using that tired, mumbling voice she does when she is still half asleep. "Just thinking about the holidays." Ellie turns to face her, seemingly realizing that they are both nude from their drunken make-out session the night before. "Well, that's not a surprise. Today is Christmas Eve." Dina turns to give her deadpan face. "You don't say, asshole." Ellie gropes at her to pull her into her warm self. Dina takes a moment to savor the warm feeling of Ellie's body against her own and how comfortable this all is.

"I guess..." She isn't sure how to express this. "For everything Jesse wasn't, he still gave me a sense of family and..." Ellie tenses next to her. This is coming out wrong. Dina tries desperately to catch a glimpse of the redhead's face that is currently buried in her shoulder. "And you want that back." It isn't worded like a question, and that fact makes Dina panic. "What? No!" It's the truth, but her response probably comes out as far too defensive. Damage control is necessary, immediately.

"Hey? Come here." Ellie groans and burrows her face further into Dina. "'M right here." Figures she would be stubborn when hurt. "Would you look at me, please?" The redhead huffs and looks up into Dina's eyes. Her face looks so vulnerable, and Dina instantly regrets hurting her, even inadvertently. "That's not what I meant." Ellie seems to search her face for any sign of deception. "You know you can tell me if you did. I mean, if you wanted it back. Him back or whatever." She's rambling, and Dina wants to let her finish, but the confession breaks her from the inside out. Does she not care, or is she just being aloof to protect herself? 

"Ellie, that is not what I want." "Sure. It's ok if it is, though." The redhead plants a quick kiss on Dina's cheek and springs from the bed, clothes in hand before Dina can say anything else in her defense. "You still want to go for a ride later?" While she has no idea what just happened, Dina takes that as her cue to drop the conversation for now, at least. Instead, she tries to remind herself that there are no labels here, no guarantees, and both of them have so much at stake. Sure her heart is on the line, but no one but her knows that. Clearly, it needs to remain that way. "Of course I do."

The world around them is quiet under the gray skies of an impending snowstorm. They tack up Shimmer in silence that is only broken when Ellie asks Dina to help with a few things here and there. Dina has floated through the majority of the morning in a daze. The argument, or whatever that was, with Ellie earlier still replaying in her mind like a skipping record. She chastises herself for not saying the right things a million times. Ellie seems to be "ok" but is notably colder than usual with her. This is not shaping up at all how she imagined, and it is endlessly frustrating. Clearly, communicating with another woman brought challenges Dina never considered, especially when feelings were involved.

The two take off on Shimmer, Dina tucked closely behind Ellie, shortly after the snow starts to fall. The entire time Dina wants to talk, but she can sense the redhead doesn't. She finds herself mouthing silently into Ellie's back her confessions of love. Practicing the words without sound but wishing she could yell them out into the void and hear the echo over the snow-covered landscape. They ride for an hour in silence. At one point, Dina sniffles, trying desperately to hide the fact she is crying behind Ellie. In response, the redhead takes one hand from the reins and squeezes Dina's wrist, wrapped around her waist. It is meant to be reassuring, but it's not nearly enough. "You cold?" Dina nods into her shoulder instead of answering, fearing that her voice will waver and betray her. Ellie kicks Shimmer around, and they head back, in a bit of a faster trot then they arrived.

Back at the house, Dina stays out on the porch to call Cat and Chris. She had forced her tears to stop long before Ellie could notice the remnants of them. Ellie doesn't ask why she is staying outside but does give her a soft hug before heading back into the house. Luckily Cat picks up almost immediately.

"Hey hun! How is the Williams' family Christmas going?" Her voice is a welcome familiarity, but it just makes Dina want to cry again. "Not good." "Oh?" How does she explain this? It seemed like such a stupid argument or impasse or whatever. How could something so trivial turn into this so quickly? "I think I fucked up, Cat." Dina is swallowing back tears, and surely Cat can hear it in her voice. "Ok, D. Want to call Chris too?" Dina nods as if she can see her through the line, but Cat knows the answer anyway. "K, I got it."

Once Chris is on the line, Dina recounts the whole thing, and saying it out loud makes her even more confused at just where it went wrong. In her mind, all she was doing was talking about her feelings. Missing family, but somehow Ellie had taken it completely wrong. "Dina. You cannot just talk about missing an ex." Chris is trying to sound empathetic but let's face it, his voice just couldn't accomplish it. "But I never said that." Cat sighs. "You might not have meant that, but you kinda implied it, maybe?" This is ridiculous. Now she can't talk about missing something. Why was this so complicated. She is starting to regret finally coming to terms with her sexuality if it meant having to navigate the minefield of women's feelings. Sure she has them too, but having never dealt with them in a genuinely romantic sense, she feels wholly unprepared and ill-equipped. Of course, the last time she fell for a woman, she couldn't handle it and sabotaged everything to avoid it. Was she doing the same here? She thought she was being more careful this time.

"What do I do?" Chris sucking his teeth cuts through her rambling thoughts. "Apologize and DO. NOT. BRING. HIM up again." "But she thinks I want him back. And I fucking don't. It's just different, you know. Being without him and his family for the first time in four years. It's weird. Why can't I just tell her that?" Just then, the front door swings open, and Maria steps out onto the porch with a mug of something warm. Great. Just what Dina needs right now. "Cat is halfway through some explanation of "lesbian brain" when Dina interrupts. "Hey guys, I gotta go. Call you tomorrow?" "Good luck!" They both end the call in unison, getting the verbal hint that someone else is now in range of Dina's conversation.

"Tea?" Dina takes the mug, if only to warm her hands, but the liquid makes her nauseous. "She mad at you?" Now, this seems like a trap. Dina just responds with a shrug and a glare. What is this woman playing at? She recalls Ellie's story about how Maria sensed something in Riley and picked at her. "You know she is extremely sensitive, right?" Dina doesn't move, instead gripping the handle on the small mug tighter. "And I think you can understand why, right?" Of course she can. Ellie grew up having to survive, only thinking about how to make it to the next day. She clearly had even worse coping skills than Dina, and admittedly, hers were fucked. Everyone the redhead had ever loved left her or didn't want her. What Maria didn't know, and maybe what the redhead had been missing, was how close Dina's life mirrored Ellie's. Sure, it wasn't as traumatic, but still similar in the results and damage it caused. 

"I know it's hard to deal with her when she's like this." Dina ponders what Maria means by "like this." Like what exactly? Stubborn, acting like she doesn't care, or maybe showing that she doesn't? "But trust me, you just need to lean further into her when this happens. She just needs to know you are there." And just like that, Maria turns and heads back inside. Dina is left on the porch to consider that to have everything she wants, to really know and love Ellie, she has to try to set aside her own trauma. Maybe this is precisely what love is, after all, but it still seems like a terrifying sacrifice without any assurances. What happens if she leans in and Ellie doesn't want that? That prospect would ruin her. Dina runs through how she would even function if that occurred, much less continue working in a place where she would have to see the redhead every day. What happens if she tries and Ellie doesn't?

The rest of the night is quiet and warm. Ellie is talking to her more, but Dina still feels the hurt from earlier, like a stubborn sticker lodged just under her skin, out of reach. After dinner and some late-night conversations between everyone, Dina retires to the room, completely exhausted from the emotional toll. Ellie follows shortly after and settles in bed quietly next to her. Dina wishes she could just fall asleep and wake up to things being ok the next morning. She doesn't want to have to brave this only to lose. They fall asleep, stubbornly, back to back.

The next morning Dina is awoken by her phone buzzing on the dresser nearby. She jumps from the covers to grab it in the hopes that it won't wake Ellie. To her surprise and unease, Jesse's name flashes over the screen. He is calling her on FaceTime. Her feet anchor to the spot on the floor in the middle of the room as she looks around in panic. Ellie doesn't seem to have been disturbed, and she sighs as the phone stops vibrating in her hand. As she moves to make her way back to the bed, it rings again, same unwelcome, ill-timed call. Maybe something is wrong? 

Dina grabs her shoes and jacket and quietly makes her way downstairs and outside to her truck. She wants to get in; it's freezing but unlocking it would cause too much noise, and she is hoping to get through this without anyone in the house knowing. Jesse has called two more times since she finally settled on her tailgate. Dina finally answers on his fifth call.

"Jesse? Is everything ok?" He looks like he is up and already doing the typical Takeda family Christmas morning routine. They probably already opened presents and are getting ready to eat breakfast. "Merry Christmas." His voice sounds cheerful and yet sullen at the same time. He has a faint smile over his lips, and Dina feels awful that he might be hurting. "Merry Christmas." She doesn't know what else to say. This was not a call she had anticipated. "I just wanted to tell you that and say..." His eyes soften, and Dina wants him to stop before he finishes this thought. "I miss you." Fuck. Truthfully part of Dina misses him too. Spending that long with one person means you share so much of your life with them. It is hard to just cut those pieces out, even if it's the right thing to do. 

"Jesse..." She wants to tell him the truth, but that would only lead him on. "It's just weird having Christmas without you, you know?" She does. This was the exact thing she had been thinking about yesterday, the thing that caused the rift between her and Ellie. "I know. It is...different." "You know you can come by for dinner if you want." Ok, well, maybe she shouldn't have agreed with him at all. Now she had played herself into a corner. "Thank you, but I'm not in Jackson." It is the cleanest way to let him down because, despite everything, Dina doesn't want to flaunt her thing with Ellie in his face. "Oh. Ok." It's hard to miss how sad he looks, and Dina can tell he wants to ask her more. "So I kinda have a gift for you when you get back." That's unexpected. He was always better at buying things for himself year-round than gift-giving, at least to her anyhow. "Jesse, you don't need to..." "But I want to, D." Shit, now she feels obligated to accept this gift so as not to hurt him. Inside, she knows it is a terrible idea. Still, she has some delusional fantasy of the two of them being friends and it not affecting anything negatively. "Ok. I'll text you when I am back. Look, I need to go, but Merry Christmas, Jesse. I hope you and your family have a good one." She means it with all her heart.

After hanging up, she stays perched on her tailgate to consider the exchange. There were things about Jesse Dina still loves, just not in the way she should for him to be her boyfriend. He had been her most constant companion and even friend sometimes over the last five years. It is so hard just to forget those things and bonds she has with him as a result, even if their breakup had gotten ugly. Hell, even if she is in love with someone else.

Lost in her thoughts, she doesn't pick up on the front door opening until she hears the crunch of the gravel and snow approaching her truck. "You ok? It's freezing out here." Ellie is in her sweats and no jacket. She actually looks concerned. "Yea, I'm good." That's a lie; she is far from good. "Just talked to Jesse." No sense in lying, and why would she. There is nothing to hide. She and Jesse are done as a couple. Ellie needs to be secure in that, and Dina needs to help her get there. "Oh, yea?" "He just wanted to tell me Merry Christmas and that he has a present for me." She tries not to wince as the words leave her mouth. None of the conversations meant anything that would threaten how she feels for the redhead, but of course, Ellie didn't know that. 

"So..." Ellie starts kicking mindlessly at the snow-covered gravel under her vans. Those damn canvas shoes are already soaked through, and Dina notices that she is hugging her arms close fighting off the cold as best as she can. It makes her want to suggest moving this inside, but who knows if Ellie is comfortable having this conversation in front of Tommy and Maria. "I meant what I said, you know?" Dina cocks her head in question. "About you being honest about what you want." This is infuriating already. "Ellie. I don't want to go back to Jesse. Please just understand that it is hard to cut someone that you have been so close with for so long out of your life. It's not like I have people I am close to falling from trees, you know." She lets her voice raise some but tries to keep her temper from flaring like she knows it can. Ellie responds by looking away from her sheepishly. 

"What about me?" That is the most loaded question Dina has ever heard. "What do you mean?" This is a dangerous dance, both trying to be honest but skirting the real topics. "Aren't we close?" She can't help the flutter in her chest at that clarifying question. It says so much about how Ellie feels. Ellie thinks they are close. "This is new, Ellie, and yes, I want us to be close. But that takes time." The look in the redhead's eyes almost breaks her resolve and causes her to reassure Ellie that she is madly in love with her. "That is time I intend to fully enjoy learning you while you learn me." That makes those green eyes sparkle, and Ellie has her arms around Dina a second later. Now Dina can feel her shivering around her. "Merry Christmas Teach." "Merry Christmas, Ellie." They share another deep breath in sync, and then Dina breaks in. "Come on crazy. You're gonna get hypothermia from those canvas shoes in the snow."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The start of our relationship was passionate and scary AF. These exchanges were very real and terrifying. Despite my ex being the worst partner ever, I was still so connected to her and her friends. We were like a family and it truly felt like getting a divorce. I had very few people to talk about anything regarding my wife to and even fewer who wanted to hang out with after the breakup. I lost a lot of friends I thought I'd have forever so the parallel here is represented by Jesse's sense of family.
> 
> As for my previous question about the origin of the term OGT. The first time I heard it was in an old LGBT movie called The Broken Hearts Club. I loved that movie when I was younger. If you are a fan of queer cinema and haven't watched "the classics" this is one of them. Also, I recommend But I'm a Cheerleader for a hilarious anecdote on "your root" (the thing that made you queer). FYI I always joke that my root is that my mom gave my Cabbage Patch Kid a sex change so I could have a female instead of a male one. LMAO


	39. I fell in love with you before I ever even knew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dina gets an unexpected visitor back in Jackson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Deja Vu by JCole

The rest of the trip to Ogden had been a success; at least, that was how Dina classified it. Maria had even told her "come back anytime" when the two women left the ranch. Of course, Tommy had opted for giving Dina a big hug in teh driveway, which she would have found awkward had Ellie not been beaming from ear to ear while watching it. While the two of them didn't really discuss much more regarding their confusing little fight, Dina was sure that it was something that could return to haunt her again at some point. 

As the new year fast approached, Dina realized they had been back in Jackson three days without her contacting Jesse about the present he mentioned Christmas morning. She knew it was wrong to avoid it, but the situation with Ellie still felt too fragile. Jesse hadn't tried to reach out either, so maybe he got the hint that she needed some space? It seemed like a reasonable assumption to her, if not a little optimistic.

Ellie had checked her grades on the morning of the 27th, and Dina would be lying if she said she wasn't nervous. Giving the girl you are in love with a B and C- respectively could spell disaster. Luckily Ellie had worked a rare morning shift that day, so Dina could avoid her initial shock. But when Ellie had texted her that she was stopping by after work to see her, Dina worried it was so she could complain or turn it into a fight. To her relief, Ellie just wanted to warn her of Jen's frustration with her grade. "I don't know what you gave her, but she is not happy. She'll get over it, though." This was precisely what Dina was worried about. Even though Jen and Abby weren't really her friends, those lines had clearly been blurred. Jen was young and perhaps a bit naive. Obviously, she cared deeply about her GPA and expected straight A's, but Dina did not give anyone anything they didn't deserve. Ellie seemed to get it; why couldn't her roommate?

Despite that bothersome news, Dina was thankful that Ellie never brought up her grades. It was important for the two of them to draw those boundaries between school and whatever they were doing. Even more so now that Dina was sure she was in love with her student. It was imperative to protect both of them. Not to mention, she really wanted to be taken seriously despite her age. It was no secret on campus that she was the youngest professor on staff, so she had to work hard to be taken seriously. Being a woman of her word was her most straightforward path to garnering the respect she knew she deserved. On top of it all, the school had just hired a new Dean and several new professors, some with legit teaching backgrounds. This meant she couldn't fuck up, but that was pressure best left until after the new year.

She and Ellie had been spending most of their time at her house when Ellie wasn't meeting customers or working extra shifts to make up for her days off during their Ogden trip. That was mostly due to her desire to stay clear of Jen until her pouting had blown over. Things had been quiet for Dina, and she was focused on getting things done around her house before the crush of the next semester set in. This particular morning had been a late one of the two women. Ellie had work at noon, so after a quick breakfast, the two found themselves in Dina's shower together; to preserve water, of course.

They were so wrapped up in one another that neither heard the doorbell the first time it rang. Who knows how long it had been ringing by the time Ellie picked up on it? "You hear that?" "Fuck Ellie, don't stop!" Dina was right on the edge and thinking that Ellie was just fucking with her to draw it out. It was something the redhead liked to do from time to time; tease. "No, seriously. I think someone is at your door." Ellie pulled her hand from between Dina's thighs before adding, "You expecting anyone?" Dina came back down to earth, and despite her annoyance, she ran over the possibilities in her head. "Fuck! Could be the internet people!" Sure they had mentioned they would come before the new year, but she thought they would undoubtedly call first. Dina still had shampoo in her hair, but Ellie thankfully sprung from the shower and wrapped herself in a towel. "I got it Teach."

Dina rinsed her hair as fast as the long, thick curls would allow. It wouldn't look great for Ellie to open the door in nothing but a towel. After another minute, Dina called it good enough and jumped out of the shower to throw on her clean sweats and shirt over her dripping body. She emerged from the bathroom wrapping a towel around her head, and thus she initially missed the sight in her living room. Standing just outside the front doorway was Jesse, a wrapped box in his hands. His eyes darted between Ellie, covered only by a yellow towel, and Dina, clearly still dripping wet. Fuck!

Ellie looked over at Dina and then made her way through the living and back to the bathroom without saying a word. Jesse looked like someone had stabbed him in the heart. He didn't make a move, and the tension in the air was unbearable. "Jesse?" Dina wanted to ask him a million things. Why was he there? How did he know where she lived? Why hadn't he called her first? But nothing came out aside from his name. The hurt in his eyes was the only thing keeping her from unleashing her fury on him for barging into her life like this. He had no right to be here, complicating this more than they already were, and yet Dina refrained from voicing that truth. She watched, frozen in place, as he set the box down just inside the house and turned to leave without shutting the door behind him. Dina ran to the door to meet him. She was barefoot, and her clothes were soaked through from not drying off properly. "Jesse. Wait!" He stopped in the middle of the driveway. "I'm sorry you had to see that. But you really shouldn't have just shown up here." He never turned to face her, opting to simply nod once in acknowledgement. "You don't need to give me a gift either." Dina's guilt made the gift on her doorstep even more ominous. "I got for you, Dina." And just like that, he headed to the SUV, parked in the gravel drive behind her truck.

Dina watched him drive away. She felt terrible. Of course, Jesse should never have just shown up like that, but still, no one deserved to have their heart so broken in person like that. What was worse was likely what awaited Dina back inside her house. Ellie was in the bedroom slipping on her Vans. Dina set the present on the floor near her closet and watched Ellie's mannerisms for any sign of anger or hurt. 

After tying her second shoe, Ellie looked up from the bed at Dina. "I feel bad." That was certainly not what Dina expected to hear at the moment. "He looked so fucking wrecked when I opened the door." Dina winces and sighs. "That was fucking awful." Ellie sounds incredibly remorseful of what Dina isn't sure, but the possibilities worry her greatly. "I didn't even know he knew where I lived." She feels awful as well. Things only could have been worse if he had literally seen them in the act. "Sorry, Ellie. I didn't know..." Ellie is up from the bed an instant later, surprising Dina as she pulls her into her strong arms. "Don't apologize to me, Teach. I feel for the guy." The confession is surprising considering how upset Ellie was just days prior at Dina's melancholy regarding spending Christmas away from him and his family.

After a few seconds of coming to terms with the sudden shift in Ellie's stance regarding her ex, Dina works up the courage to ask. "You aren't mad?" Ellie presses a kiss to Dina's damp forehead. "I mean, I'm not stoked that your ex stalked out where you moved to and showed up unannounced on your doorstep. But none of that is your fault. I saw your face. I know you didn't want him here any more than I did." "But you feel bad for him?" Ellie sighs and brushes a loose wet curl from its place stuck on Dina's cheek. "Let's just say I know what it's like to see someone you care about with someone else." Dina thinks about Riley and wonders if that's who Ellie is referring to. She doesn't press it, though. The comment brings her back to high school and the girl she loved going for a ride in that guy's car. Yea, she gets it. Poor Jesse indeed.

"You gonna open his gift?" The box feels like a bomb, ironic sheathed in cheerful wrapping paper. It was too large to be any sort of jewelry, so that gives her curious mind some relief. "I guess. Should I?" Ellie flops back on the bed. "Aren't you kinda curious?" She is. Jesse was the king of buying things for her that he could benefit from as well. First, it was lingerie, then more domestic things like a mixer, pots and pans, camping gear. Things Dina saw as practical but nothing that was genuinely thoughtful and just about her. He never asked what she wanted, and she never expressed that either. Better not to be disappointed. "I guess I should open it, huh?"

The box was clearly wrapped by his mother. Jesse never wrapped anything himself, and she was sure if he were forced to, it would be a hot mess. Under the wrapping, Dina is surprised by what she finds. It's a snowboarding helmet. Throughout the course of their relationship, they had never been snowboarding together. It wasn't that she never wanted to, but Jesse always had a reason to go with his friends without suggesting she come along. When they first met, he had promised to teach her to ride park, but that never came to fruition. Riding the park in Jackson's Hole required a helmet, one she didn't own until now. Did this gift mean he intended to ask her to go riding with him, finally? If so, he was years too late. 

Dina is staring at the box, a mix of anger and sadness washing over her. "Umm, you good?" Shit, she had almost forgotten Ellie was there with her. "Yea...yea, I'm good." It's sad, though. Jesse never knew what he had until she was gone. Dina considers for one moment how she would have reacted had he realized his inadequacies sooner. Nothing, not even him getting his shit together, would change that she was reasonably sure she was gay, not even bi. Being in love with two people in her life, both women kind of cemented that for her.

"I just feel bad. Like you said." Ellie hums in agreement. She doesn't explain the significance of the gift. No need. It doesn't have the effect Jesse intended, and nothing in her has changed. She is still falling in love with the woman next to her more and more every day—a fact that she will need to do something about sooner rather than later. Especially because now, more than ever, Dina knows she wants to call this woman her girlfriend. For the first time in her life, she is thinking about the long term future. What it would be like to wake up every morning with Ellie, not waiting for her to head back to her place, but living together. Fuck if Dina doesn't want that U-Haul life.

"You know. If you wanna go snowboarding, I'll go with you. Can't be that different from skateboarding, right? And besides, you can teach me." Dina smiles at Ellie's attempt to cheer her up. "You just like me being your teacher, I think." Ellie's cheeks flush red. "What can I say? You kind of made it a thing for me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn, that was a tough one to relive for me. IRL my ex stopped by the house we used to share and found us cuddled up. I didn't see or hear her but my wife's face told me something was wrong. By the time I turned to look in the doorway, my ex was gone from the room. It was really sad but she really should have called first and not used the key she was supposed to have given me back by then. Keep in mind here and IRL they have only been broken up like 20 some days. Yea, so that is the only part I would do differently. I still feel awful about it TBH. The gift and its implications really made it all the worse. On top of it, I was seriously concerned that I wanted to U-Haul with this girl that fast. It was so unlike me to move so quickly but I guess that's what happens when you fall in love like this? At least that's what I told myself. Despite having several other "serious" relationships prior, I never wanted to cohabitate this soon and only lived with two other women before my wife. Anyhow, no worries, asshole Jesse will make a comeback to soothe the guilt and angst.
> 
> As always, keep those comments coming. They are great motivation for me to deliver every day! You all are the best in case I haven't said it since returning!


	40. I won't let go 'til I've got what's mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dina and Ellie are spotted out, by two people neither of them wants to see

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Work by Charlotte Day Wilson

The music in the club swirls around both of them, intertwined with one another on the dancefloor. Dina hadn't been back here since that night she had an awkward encounter with Emily. This time, it is just her and Ellie, dancing freely without a worry. That is until Dina stops to pull Ellie to the bar for another drink.

They are wrapped around one another, sharing kisses and heated stares when Dina spots a massive problem over the taller girl's shoulder. Behind the bar, watching the two of them closely is one of her students. He is good friends with Abby and a sophomore as well. Dina instantly shrinks in Ellie's arms. "What?" Ellie turns to try and make out what made Dina react so suddenly. "Oh." When she turns back around, her eyes are wide. "I think it's ok." "Ellie, how is it ok!?" It feels pretty fucking far from ok. This shit could destroy them before anything even started. "Hey, calm down. Shan is cool. Promise. He won't care. He's one of my customers. We're fine." 

It doesn't do much to calm Dina. He might not care enough to give Ellie shit; in fact, she looks like the winner here, if there is one. She scored a professor, and Dina, on the other hand, looks like the one taking advantage of someone. She looks like a mess. "Do you wanna wait outside on the patio, and I'll get our drinks?" Honestly, Dina would rather disappear. "Just meet me on the patio. K? I'll talk to him. Let me fix this." Dina slinks away through the crowd as the song changes and the dance floor fills with whoops and hollers.

She watches listlessly from a standing table just outside the double glass doors. The dance floor is full, but she can make out Ellie at the bar beyond it, leaning over talking to Shan. The tears are welling in her eyes. How could they be so fucking careless? This town was too small to think they could go anywhere together and not get caught. Soon she spots Ellie weaving through the dancefloor with two drinks raised over her head. Her face seems ok, but Dina is still anxious.

"Hey beautiful." She sets the drinks down on the table and grabs Dina's hands. "Ellie, stop!" "Whoa. Hey it's fine. I told you I would take care of it." Ellie gives her that smirk and takes a drink of her beer. "How did you take care of it?" Ellie just shrugs. She looks so nonchalant and smug Dina is starting to get irritated. "I just asked him not to say anything to anyone." Yea, that isn't taking care of it. "Ellie, I don't understand how you think that fixes this? We have no guarantees he won't say anything." Ellie smiles at her so sweetly Dina's knees go a little weak. It is totally unfair. "I trust him. It will be fine. But we should be a little more careful in case we run into someone else who isn't cool." 

Dina is torn between wanted to kiss that dangerous smirk off Ellie's lips and wanting to lose her temper at Ellie's naivety. The redhead seems to pick up on Dina's apprehension. "Do you trust me, Teach?" Dina wants to tell her just how much she does trust her, but that would be a lie. Unfortunately, being in love with someone doesn't always mean you trust them. And in truth, Dina barely knows Ellie. At that moment, she recalls her talk with Maria on the porch on Christmas Eve. She has to let go of some of her own dysfunctions for this to work. "I trust you." She makes sure to look into those verdant eyes, so Ellie understands she is making a leap of faith here. Outwardly it might seem like a small concession and gesture, but to Dina, this is a sure step forward. Ellie now had something over her, and it was both terrifying and exhilarating.

The exhilarated part of it all won Dina over in the end. She threw herself more into Ellie until the lights came on in the club, and they were stumbling out the doors into the parking lot to wait for a rideshare. The two were in the middle of a heated make-out session when a voice interrupted them. "Ellie?" The redhead pulled away slowly, looking annoyed before she even knew who had intruded on their moment. Behind Ellie was a tall, skinny girl with short dark hair. She looked young, like too young to be in a club. 

"Sta...Stamps. Hey." Ok, first of all, who the fuck is named "Stamps?" Second, why did Ellie seem so surprised? "Hey! I'm back in town now." The girl was avoiding acknowledging Dina and honestly, so was Ellie. Sure, one of her hands was still wrapped around Dina's waist, but the grip was loose. "Cool." Is it cool, Ellie? Just as Dina considered pulling away and disappearing into the full parking lot, the rideshare pulled up. "That your Uber?" Ellie nodded. "Cool, well, I'll call you. It was good to see you." The word "good" drips with so much honey it turns Dina's stomach. "Yea, good to see you." Ellie slid into the backseat after Dina and shut the door behind her. 

Dina was fiddling with her phone, smashing her body up against the opposite window. She was fucking furious. Right after she convinced herself to give in some, to trust, some random came along, and Ellie let her rain on their parade. Who the fuck was that anyhow. Suddenly Ellie's phone vibrated. Dina looked over at her as the redhead tapped out what appeared to be a response message. "So?" Ellie stayed focused on what she was typing. "Stamps?" Finally, Ellie's fingers stop and she dropped the phone in her lap. "Yea. She works for the post office or whatever." Dina hummed, but really she wanted to rage. "Do you nickname all your hookups?" The words felt like venom in her mouth. After all, Ellie had been calling her Teach for months now. The redhead chuckled, but it was clearly a nervous laugh.

"It's not like that." "So you haven't hooked up with her?" Dina was clearly crossing a line here. She had no right to be upset. Ellie wasn't hers. Ellie sighs but before she can answer, Dina stops her. "You know what? Don't. Just forget I said anything. I have no right to know, but please just do me a favor and keep anyone else you're seeing away from me. Can you at least do that?" Ellie slumps against her window but doesn't say anything. 

The rest of the ride is agonizing. Dina is planning her escape as soon as the car pulls up in front of Ellie's house. It's snowing, but she will gladly trudge through it to make it back to her home and away from this painful situation. Ellie's face stays pointed out the window, and Dina keeps wishing the redhead would apologize, throw herself at Dina's mercy, and beg her to become hers and hers alone. But that is just a fantasy.

The lights in the living room of Ellie's house are on, and when she leaves the passenger side of the car, she can hear the loud music coming from inside. There is no way in hell she has the intestinal fortitude or heart to brave this right now. "I'm heading home." She waves at Ellie dismissively as she breaks into a brisk walk towards the end of the block. The snow is falling harder, and her jacket is too light, having been chosen to provide just enough warmth for the short walks between the car and the club. Still, she walks faster, never turning around to see if Ellie is watching or what.

By the time she makes it home, her feet and hands are freezing. Her thin jacket is soaked through, and she is shivering, trying to force the key into the lock. Once inside, she strips her cold, wet clothes and washes her face, wishing she had some whiskey to drink the pain away. She settles for sinking into her warm bed to cry herself to sleep on her pillow that still smells like Ellie. It doesn't get much more pathetic than this.

Dina refrains from calling Cat or Chris. She doesn't want them to get the impression that Dina only calls when shit is upsidedown. Besides, no sense in them hating Ellie too. Instead, she types, deletes, and retypes a message to Ellie seven times before giving up and sobbing up into the darkness of her lonely room. Of course, she is acting like a jealous bitch, but Dina is just so in love, and it makes her feel so raw, so exposed. It is bringing out the worst in her. She starts drawing parallels in her mind between the first girl she fell in love with and Ellie. Is she fucking this one up just the same? Pushing Ellie away before it even gets a chance to be something?

Her phone rings and Dina is jolted from her half-asleep crying session. Ellie's name flashes across her screen, and she wants to throw the phone against the wall. She sends it to voicemail. Ellie texts her next. "Dina, please pick up." That is new. Ellie very rarely called her by her real name. "Why?" She is playing stubborn, and a dark side of her wants Ellie to beg for it. That's the least the redhead could do to show her she gives a fuck. "I just want to explain." Dina snarls at her phone screen. "You don't owe me that. You don't owe me anything, Ellie." Yea, she is going to make her work for this one.

"Ok? But I want to. Please? You don't have to talk. Just listen, and then you can hang up." Her phone rings again, and Dina groans. She doesn't want to give in yet again. It felt like it was Ellie's turn. But her curiosity gets the better of her and his answers without a sound. "You there?" "Go ahead." Ellie takes a deep breath, and Dina can almost picture the worried look on the redhead's face, her scared eyebrow crinkled enough to narrow her beautiful eyes.

"I only hooked up with her a few times." This is not doing Ellie any favors. "I met her at the club, and I wanted to hook up with her friend who was visiting from Colorado, but she ended up calling me." Interesting. So Ellie was prone to occupying herself with people when bored or lonely, even if she didn't really like them. Dina knows she shouldn't judge since Jesse was essentially exactly that same thing. But she never pegged Ellie for shallow one night stands or fuck buddies. "And I was trying to get over Riley still, but I cut it off pretty soon after, and then she moved. I guess now she's back."

The silence is heavy on the line. Dina thinks she can hear Ellie's heartbeat pounding across the line. It makes her happy that Ellie is sweating it out. She fucking should be. "Anyway. I was just surprised to see her, and I didn't know how to act. I didn't want to be a bitch, so I was nice, and I guess shocked." Dina wants to know if that was the case why didn't she introduce her, but then she remembers they don't have a title. What the fuck would Ellie say? "This is my teacher?" Yea, that sounded awful.

"Ok. I'll let you go. Sorry, Dina. I really am." The line goes silent, Ellie seemingly waiting for Dina to hang up. Dina mouths into the screen, "I love you." But no sound leaves her lips. "Sorry." That, however, makes its way out in a soft broken tone. "For what?" Dina exhales loudly. "I have no right. I shouldn't be making you feel like shit when I have no right." Dina hopes this doesn't let on that she desperately wants to have a right. "It's ok, Tea...sorry, Dina. I won't call you that anymore." "It's fine, Ellie. You can call me that." here she is, giving in yet again. "But I don't want you to think you are anything like Stamps cause you're not." The hole in Dina's heart starts to close a little. "I said I trusted you, Ellie. I'm gonna make good on that. You say I'm not; I believe you." 

"Can I come stay with you?" Dina closes her eyes and sighs. If Ellie comes over, they will surely have sex, and then Dina would have shoved all of this aside like she always does when she is lost in Ellie. Maybe it's better to process. "I'm tired, Ellie, and I need space. Is that ok?" She isn't sure why she's asking, but she doesn't want Ellie to take it personally. "Yea, ok. But tomorrow is New Year's Eve." "It is." "So, do you have plans?" Dina smiles and the change in the redhead's tone. 

"I need to consult my calendar." Ellie sucks her teeth in response. "Well, if you are free, I would love to spend it with you." "What like a date?" Those damn butterflies crawl back into her stomach again. "Sure!" "Ellie, if you want me to clear my schedule to be your New Year's Eve date, you need to ask me better than that." Ellie chuckles. "Dina, will you be my New Year's Eve date?" "I think you just want someone to kiss at midnight." "If it's you, then fuck yea!" Dina smiles wide and feels the heat make its way onto her cheeks. She is regretting telling Ellie that she couldn't come over tonight. "Well, if you put it like that, then it's a date." It was hard to feel bad about giving in some more when Ellie could make her feel this good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew. Again writing this, I am shocked we made it through those days. That night in particular was awful. "Shan" and "Stamps" all in one night was almost too much for me. Of course, I overreacted to it all. That's what I'm good for. And on top of it, I am stubborn as all hell. To this day I can go days without speaking to my wife even though I want to. It's a fucking awful habit, and yes I'm working on it. I have no idea how she puts up with me sometimes. It's incredible how much she loves me to deal with my crazy ass ;). I don't trust easily, neither of us does, so when I give some trust and I feel it is being abused, watch out. Unfortunately, we aren't done with either one of these two antagonists, so buckle up for some more drama from each one. 
> 
> I am super excited for tomorrow's update! Any guesses why or what might be coming?


	41. There's been a place for you in my heart since we first met

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New Year's Eve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Fancy Clown by MF DOOM (RIP DOOM ALL CAPS. This song is not "romantic" but I needed to honor MF DOOM on the day the news of his untimely passing broke)

"You are so fucking whipped, Dina!" Chris wasn't wrong. "Can't you spend a little bit of tonight with us instead of crying all over your girlfriend's pussy?" That text sparked so many strange pictures in Dina's brain. "Chris, she isn't my girlfriend," Cat responded first. "Yet." Those familiar butterflies took up residence in Dina's stomach again. Of course, she hopped Cat was right, and most signs seemed to point to that, but Dina was starting to wonder if it would ever happen. Sure it hadn't even been a month since she broke up with Jesse and then jumped in head first to this thing with Ellie, but that didn't change how much Dina wanted more with the redhead. Every day was starting to become a struggle.

"What does she have planned for you two anyway?" Dina couldn't even lie in response to Cat's question. She had no idea. "They are clearly going to Lilith Fair Cat." Count on Chris's sarcasm to save the day. "Whatever, Chris. I need to get ready. Be safe tonight! Happy New Year!" She tossed her phone on the bathroom counter and continued applying her makeup. While she no idea of Ellie's plans for the evening, Dina still wanted to look good for the redhead. An hour and several wardrobe changes later and Dina found herself on Ellie's doorstep.

"Hey, Teach!" Dina's eyes went wide when Jen threw open the door. She had successfully avoided her for the last couple of days to let the grade situation cool off. But now, here she was face to face with the younger girl. Dina came in and shut the door behind her. Abby was in the kitchen, pouring shots, and Jen bounded off into her room, presumably to change. "Hey." Abby nodded from over the kitchen bar. "Hey." "Wanna drink?" Dina shook her head no. "What are you and Jen up to tonight?" Small talk seemed compulsory at this point, but Dina really wanted Ellie to appear and save her from it. 

"Something at some hotel for some guy Jen is seeing." "For him?" Jen poked her head out of her room door. "He's a musician." Dina smirked. "You know, my mom always said to avoid dating musicians!" Just then, Ellie emerged from the Purp. "Oh? That so Teach?" She looked so hot Dina had to stop herself from blushing in front of Ellie's roommates. "Hmmm. I think teachers are worse. You know they will turn around and give you a fucking B!" There it was. Dina had been waiting for Jen to bring it up since she walked in the door, and the anticipation had lasted all of three minutes. Dina sighed. "Come on. You know that's what you earned, right?" Abby's eyes were practically glowing in amusement. "And besides, it was a B+, like one point away from an A-. Hardly a reason to be upset if you ask me." Ellie chuckled as she pulled Dina into a tight hug and pressed a kiss to her neck. 

Jen was back in her room, but she yelled from the open door, "Abby, what did she give you?" Abby rolled her eyes as she pulled an already rolled blunt off the kitchen bar top. "I got a B, Jen. Just a straight B." She patted her pockets in search of a lighter, and after a few minutes, Ellie tossed her one from her own pocket. "And you Ellie?" Jen's voice was lighthearted, but Dina was getting irritated with this round and round. The redhead huffed into Dina's curly hair. "Jen, come on. We all got what we earned. Stop." Abby's exhaled a large puff of smoke and reached the blunt over the bar top towards Ellie. The redhead removed herself from Dina's space and took the blunt. Jen emerged from the room, wearing a short tight dress and heels. Clearly, this girl was on a mission tonight. Good for her, Dina thought. Maybe getting laid would distract her from worrying about trivial shit, like her B+ in Dina's class.

"Come on, Ellie. Tell us. What did Teach give you?" Her tone was snarky now, like she expected Ellie to admit Dina had exhibited nepotism. Ellie licked her pinky and dabbed it around the glowing cherry of the blunt to stop a runner. Her scarred eyebrow cocked as her smile left her face. "You really want to know, Jen? Will it make you shut the fuck up about it?" Jen crossed her arms and cocked her hip before nodding once. "I got an A..." "Ha! Fucking knew it!" "...and a C-." The look of satisfaction left Jen's face immediately. Abby snickered from the kitchen. "Damn, Teach. You almost failed your girlf..." "Ok, Jen, that's enough!" Ellie shoved the blunt towards the younger girl, and her tone told everyone in the room that this conversation was over. It startled Dina at first, and then it turned her on.

Abby took the cue and grabbed her jacket off the couch. "Come on Jen. You don't want to miss your dream guy's performance." Jen handed the blunt back to Ellie after exhaling a small hit. "El, we're staying at the hotel, so we won't be back until tomorrow." Abby gave Ellie a slight smirk as the words left her mouth. Then she almost yanked Jen out the door, and Dina wondered why she ever thought Abby was so bad.

"Fuck. Sorry, Teach. She is crazy about her damn GPA. One of those high performers or whatever. Real type A." "Oh, I knew it the first day of class." Dina snickered. The exchange had been funny and ultimately rewarding. No harm, no foul. She had most definitely dealt with worse in terms of students challenging their grades. Ellie was twisting the end of the blunt between two of her fingers until the cherry dropped off into the sink. "Anyway, you look fucking gorgeous tonight." Dina blushed immediately at the compliment, and Ellie shot her that sexy ass smirk once again. "Funny, I was thinking the same about you." Ellie sauntered around the bar to meet Dina face to face. "Well, I said it first." Dina's knees start to shake at the confidence in the redhead's voice; the look in those green eyes isn't helping much either. "So you think that makes you the winner or something?" Dina liked this game for power; she was good at it. Ellie closed the distance and kissed Dina so hard it knocked the breath from her chest. The two fumbled down the hall and into Ellie's room. It was clear they weren't going anywhere anytime soon this evening, but that appeared to be Ellie's plan. 

Three hours later, the two finally emerged, if not a little disheveled, from Ellie's room. The redhead had the tremendous foresight to order take out for them that only needed to be popped in the oven to warm. Dina made her way into the Purp to turn on the New Year's Eve countdown on TV. Ellie followed soon after with food that looked like it came from a fancy restaurant in one hand and a magnum of Asti champagne in the other. 

"Hell of a date you planned here." Dina meant every word. It was perfect. Sure, Dina typically enjoyed going out and dancing the night away on New Year's Eve, but this night far surpassed any previous New Year's she had ever lived. Ellie smiled at her as her eyes looked over Dina's body, clad in Ellie's clothes from head to toe. "You look so good in my clothes. I don't think you understand." "And here I thought you much preferred me NECK-ED." The redhead groaned as she tore the foil from the top of the giant bottle of champagne.

"Hour till midnight," Dina yelled after Ellie, who left the Purp to grab some glasses for the champagne. "You know I read somewhere that whatever you are don't at midnight, you'll be doing all year." Dina is unprepared for the goosebumps Ellie's superstition brought to her entire body. Of course, they had just spent the better part of three hours having sex, but when it came to Ellie, Dina was truly insatiable. "Well, we better each and drink quickly then!" The redhead tripped over nothing, rentering the room as the words left Dina's mouth. 

The food was delicious and undoubtedly expensive. The champagne went on forever. In fact, as much as Dina loved Asti, she had never actually seen a magnum of it before. When the two had enough to eat, Dina grabbed the bottle of champagne, still easily over half full, and pulled Ellie from the Purp and back into her room. Once in the room, Dina threw the redhead on the bed and set the bottle on her drafting table. The light from the Purp illuminated the bed just enough for Dina to see Ellie's chest heaving in anticipation.

"Strip." The word came out of her mouth dipped in honey. Ellie stayed frozen in place for a second before finally moving to removed her shirt. "Slowly." Dina took a swig straight from the massive bottle to still her nerves. The redhead complied and locked eyes with Dina, who watched from the side of the bed. Dina felt her skin burn and her stomach grow another knot with every piece of clothing tossed aside. Finally, Ellie lay completely naked and exposed right in front of Dina. It was exhilarating and made her almost lose control. Seeing such a strong woman so vulnerable just for her was sparking so many things in Dina. The least of which was not the fact that she loved this gorgeous woman laid out for her.

Dina then slowly began undressing, tossing Ellie's oversized Bob Marley shirt and soccer shorts in a pile at her feet. She watched as Ellie looked on, mesmerized at every one of Dina's movements. Dina had never felt sexier or more desired in her life. Once she was relieved of all her clothes, Dina joined Ellie on the bed. The two continued to almost size one another up before Ellie lunged forward to capture Dina's lips. Dina let her kiss her for only a moment before pushing the taller woman back into the sheets. "I know what I want to be doing all year." Ellie whimpered in response as Dina kissed and caressed her way between the redhead's thighs.

Ellie wasted no time pulling Dina's head into where she wanted it, and the force made Dina almost lose her cool. She was so turned on, it was almost difficult to concentrate, almost. At the first contact with her tongue, Ellie's back arched off the mattress, and Dina knew this would not last long. A second later, Ellie was writhing and moaning uncontrollably under her, forcing Dina to get rough and pin her hips down into the sheets. As she worked the redhead into a frenzy, Dina heard a series of loud pops outside. An instant later, Ellie came apart in her mouth, calling Dina's name.

Dina hummed in contentment as she crawled back up Ellie's body and pressed wet kisses over her neck and shoulder. Ellie's body was still aside from her heaving chest and open mouth. She looked beautiful in the dim light of the bedroom, and Dina felt lucky to be here in this moment with Ellie. The pops and whirs outside only continued and grow in frequency. "Happy New Year, " Dina whispered hotly into Ellie's ear. A sweet smile broke out over Ellie's lips as she sighed loudly. "I don't wanna do this all year." Dina sat up slightly. That was an unexpected, if not confusing, thing to say. 

"Huh?" Ellie's eyes suddenly opened, and her head turned to allow those eyes to lock onto Dina's. The look almost breaks every wall Dina has assembled to prevent her from telling Ellie how she really feels. It reminds her of the first time she laid eyes on this woman. It reminds her that she wants more, and then suddenly, Ellie speaks. "It's not enough. I wanna do this every year." Dina's heart flutters in her chest as she gasps, likely audibly. Ellie reaches out and caresses Dina's cheek softly. "If you'll have me?" Dina can feel her brain catching. Stuck on the fact that this seems like a dream. "You mean? Be my girlfriend?" Ellie smirks again. "More like you be mine, but yea, I guess it works the same in reverse." Dina doesn't answer, at least not verbally. Instead, she throws herself on Ellie and begins kissing her deeply. Occupying her mouth and mind is the only way to avoid saying more, because for now, Dina has at least one of her wishes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dina has a girlfriend!!!!
> 
> So our anniversary is the 1st of January. We also got married on this day to keep it simple. After 10 years together, and deciding neither one of us wanted to plan a wedding, we eloped at a drive-thru chapel, in a blizzard. It was perfect. And to think it all started on this magical New Year's Eve!
> 
> Also, "Jen" legit was pissed about a B+. To this day she gives me shit about it. 
> 
> Of course, Dina STILL has not dropped the L word yet. I honestly thought it was too much too soon, so now you and Dina have to wait ;)
> 
> Bets on who says it first?


	42. I live an analog lifestyle, sometimes it's wild

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dina goes back to work

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Suite for the Beaver pt. 1 by People Under the Stairs (RIP Double K)

Classes start in another week, but the faculty is already back on campus. Dina has been braving a host of meetings and introductions for the last two days. She has given the same spiel so many times it has become rote. "Dina Martinez, Product Development, on staff almost two years. Teaching Web Development I and II, Product Development II, and the class for the National College Tech competition." None of that is exciting, not as exciting as what she really wants to say. In fact, she has had a hard time keeping to herself since Ellie asked her to be her girlfriend Saturday night. Of course, she had told Cat and Chris, but their non-reaction wasn't enough for her. Not enough of the celebration that she felt like this all warranted.

The new Dean has come from California for this job. She appears to know or have created some sort of fast friendship with another new faculty member, Nancy. This new professor has also just moved here from Maryland, where she wrapped up her Master's in Education. At first, Dina is excited to learn more about teaching from two women so close to her age who are so accomplished and educated. That is until they both make it painfully evident that they don't think Dina is on their level. It is very Mean Girls, middle school cafeteria, and Dina is irritated that she has to work for one of these children and work with the other. Luckily the rest of the old crew are still as tight as usual, and Dina is thankful to have your weird group of work friends.

"I miss your face!" These periodic texts from Ellie are making these long boring ass meetings tolerable. "Ugh, you have no idea how much I miss you! The new Dean and new Gen Ed bitch are the worst!" Dina is tapping away under the table, mentally checked out as the Dean drones on about "threshold concepts" and the "River of Liminality," as if that is a real thing. "Damn, I think I have her for Creative Writing this semester." Dina feels sorry for her girlfriend having to listen to that pompous woman speak for a total of four hours every week. 

The regular crew heads to their usual spot at Los Cuates just across the parking lot for lunch. To Dina's dismay, Nancy tags along. "I already don't like her." Count on Cat to have an adequate bullshit detector. "You can tell she has an issue with 'pretty girls.'" Dina isn't sure what that means. Nancy isn't exactly unattractive, so Dina isn't sure that Cat's stereotype fits the bill. Still, it is obvious that this woman doesn't like both Dina and Cat for some reason. And yet, she chooses to sit next to them at lunch. 

Cat leaves her seat almost immediately to see her favorite bartender and returns with a tray of shots. Nancy scoffs, "No, thank you. That is pretty unprofessional to drink before faculty meetings, don't you think?" Cat laughs, and sweet all American Nicole chimes in. "Oh, we will see how long that ideal lasts at this place, Nancy." The two women already have a rapport, both being General Education instructors, so the retort lacks the venom it would have from anyone else. Manny leads the toast, and the rest of the people at the table raise their shots in response. 

It is going to be a crazy semester. Juggling her professional and personal life so carefully. A personal life that now has to be very secret and planned to avoid any issues. Not to mention dealing with these two "mean girls," one of whom is her new boss. And on top of it all, she and Manny were expected to deliver a win for the school in the National College Tech competition. Dina wishes she had more time to enjoy the happy events of her new relationship, of finding herself and falling in love. Instead, she is lamenting the fact that she has to temper her excitement and that they have to hide. 

"So what's your background, Dina?" The question is pointed. Dina can feel everything in the woman next to her is calculated to size her up. She wonders if Nancy knows how transparent her motives are. Still, Dina plays nice. No need to engage; she knows that will piss her off more. "I'm originally from New Mexico." Nancy shoots her sideways glance. Dina composes herself. If this woman has anything to say about her home state, there will be hell to pay. "I moved here for college. Went to University of Wyoming." "Oh?" Yea, Dina knows it's not the greatest school with the most pedigree but fuck this bitch. Who cares if she went to John Hopkins. "Majored in Computer Science, minor in Art." Nancy sips her water, a smirk still present on her thin lips despite them being wrapped around a straw.

"How is it that you ended up being a teacher?" The way she says the word "teacher" is almost mocking like the term is fragile and not meant for Dina. Cat rolls her eyes across the table, and Chris has taken notice of the interrogation from a few seats down, his sharp brows climbing up his forehead. "I moved to Jackson a few years back, with..." Cat sets her beer down slowly across the way. "My ex." Chris clears his throat, almost comically. "And they were looking for someone to teach web classes, so here I am." Dina picks her beer up and takes a swig, hoping to wash down the bitterness of her story. Nothing about it was what Dina ever wanted out of her life, and yet in some ways, because of Ellie, it turned out to be everything she ever needed. That last thought cleanses her palette far more than the beer ever could.

"Your ex huh? Well, nothing keeping you around now. Surely you could find a job in your field, right?" Dina shrugs, but really she wants to smack her in her smug face. "Sure, I could move to silicon valley and work at a start-up or something. But this..." She looks around the table. "It makes me happy." "Oh? Why is that? I would think working at a start would be much more glamorous and fitting for you?" This woman seems content to create a minefield of questions for Dina, each one with a ridiculously obvious ulterior motive behind them. "Maybe, but the students make it worth it, you know?" Chris snorts down the way, and Cat chuckles into the back of her tattooed hand. Dina feels satisfied with her answer for more reasons than one. Manny seizes the moment of Dina's silent triumph to turn the tables a bit. "How about you, Nancy? How did you even end up in Jackson, after what, Maryland?" 

Nancy glowers, and Dina has to hide her smirk in her beer. "What does that mean, Manny?" Manny laughs, "Just Maryland. Que la mas chingada." Dina snorts now, having understood precisely what Manny means. Maryland has made nancy feel fancy, so what the hell was she doing in little ol' Jackson? Nancy responds with a head tilt and the fakest smile Dina has ever seen. "I like small mountain towns." "Oh?" Cat chimes in now. "You ski or something?" Dina watches as Chris leans into Curtis's space to hear more clearly from down the table. "I don't but..." It is hard not to enjoy watching her squirm. "So then you hunt, fish, fucking kayak?" Cat is just fucking with her now. Nancy rolls her eyes at Cat and then turns to face Manny again. "The pay is great for someone with a Master's here. It's a private university and all. And I needed a change of scenery." Her tone implies that is the end of the conversation, and she confirms it by turning to face Diane next to her in order to engage in another conversation. The verbal assault has ended, for now at least, and Dina is thankful for both Manny and Cat's intervention. 

After lunch, Dina steps outside to call Ellie just to hear her voice. "Hey sweetie!" Dina swoons and has to take a seat outside the cantina to stop her knees from giving out at the sound of the new nickname. "Hi! I miss you." "Ugh ditto! I wish I could see you before work. How's everything?" She isn't sure how she is supposed to answer that. Of course, she loves her job, but every fiber of her being wants to be with Ellie. Not only that, but she wants to sing it from the rooftops, but she can't. It has to be secret, now even more so, that she has a new nemesis in town, clearly out to destroy her for whatever unknown reason. "It's ok baby. It'll be better once I see you." "So, your place tonight?" Dina smiles wide just as the door swings open to the rest of the faculty heading back to work. "It's a date!" She whispers. "Gotta go. Text you later."

The last meeting ends, and Dina drives home in a daze. She is so exhausted from having to navigate all of the bullshit of the day. Plus, trying to stay attentive and contribute to the conversations in order to prove her value was just draining. She stops at the mailbox on the street to grab the mail and then pulls into the driveway. The house is dark, and Dina struggles to find the switches in her still unfamiliar home. In the kitchen, she riffles through her mail. Most of it was junk, but she was surprised to see a notice from her bank. After tearing it open, she is angered to come face to face with a late notice for the SUV payment. Fucking great!

Jesse doesn't answer her first, second or third call attempts. Why would he? She opts to leave a voicemail. "Jesse. You told me you paid the SUV payment last month, but I just a late notice. I'm going to pay it out of my own pocket. I expect you to pay me back. Call me back, please." She doesn't mention the fact that Jesse hasn't sent her any money for his portion of the credit card bill. In fact, she doesn't recall getting last month's statement in the mail. It could be the change in address taking a bit to kick into their system. That is what she tells herself due to the lack of remaining mental fortitude to hunt it down at the moment.

By the time Ellie text's that she is on her way over from work, Dina is practically falling asleep on her couch. She wakes up just enough to warm the leftover posole Dina made for Ellie over the weekend. Turns out the redhead loves New Mexican food, and Dina loves her all the more for it. In fact, there hasn't been anything Dina dislikes about her girlfriend. So what if the price to pay for this was that it had to be a secret for the next few years? Dina could sacrifice that if it meant finding this kind of love. Speaking of which, she had already calculated in her mind the proper number of days she should hold out before confessing said love to her girlfriend. Two months seems sufficient, and Dina has marked the day on her calendar app. Now just to make it that far, a feat that was seeming ever more difficult after the redhead put a label on things. 

Now that Dina thinks about it, she wonders if everything was meant to be this way. Come to think of it, Dina has been realizing more and more that this thing with Ellie was special. It had started the first day the redhead walked into her class, on some love at first sight type shit. Some fairytale Dina never knew existed. All her life, Dina's idea of love had clearly been wrong. Jesse used to give her a hard time because she was ardent about "forever" not being a thing. Apparently, he wanted forever, and Dina just thought that was bullshit. She wasn't a princess, and he damn sure was not Prince Charming. But now, Dina knows that it is real, and she wants forever with Ellie. It feels like they were made for one another—the way they slotted together perfectly in every way. Are soulmates a thing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo, Nancy sucks. Still does in fact. You ever meet someone who is just immediately and needlessly competitive with you for no reason? Even worse when they have your boss's ear. Hiding this relationship from those two was number one on my agenda. Either one of them would have inexplicably liked to destroy me. 
> 
> Getting that girlfriend label only took some pressure off the situation but in some ways it even more precarious.
> 
> Also, told you asshole Jesse would be back around.
> 
> Keep those comments coming ya'll!


	43. But then my homework was never quite like this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> School's back in session

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Hot For Teacher by Van Halen (my wife still calls this song her anthem)

The first morning of the Spring semester, Dina and Ellie wake up in the redhead's bed and share breakfast in the Purp. Jen is out the door for an early class at 9am, and Abby is presumably at the gym. "See you at three, Teach. Later Ellie." Dina waves from the pile of cushions. It all feels so domestic, and Dina knows she wants this with Ellie. The two have not spent a night apart from one another since making it official. Of course, they aren't technically living together, but Dina would be lying if she said she didn't want that. At some point, her almost exclusively sexual fantasies had evolved to include domestic fluff as well. The thought of picking out a couch together, dividing up dresser drawers, and closet space all sounded just as appealing as the things they did in the dark. When did making someone breakfast and dinner become something Dina looked forward to?

"You ready for today?" The redhead was still munching on some toast, dropping crumbs all over her chest as they snuggled on the mountain of cushions. She couldn't help but be endeared by everything Ellie did. "I am. Sent my lesson plans for review last night. I dare the Dean to find something wrong with them." The new policy was nothing if not annoying. Dina liked to wing some things, and if she had a general outline, Dina could freestyle any class. Sometimes she wonders if this wasn't what she was put on this earth to do, her calling. Because despite her desire for something else, she was naturally good at it. 

Ellie takes the moment to wipe the crumbs from Dina's chest, a move meant to hide her true motive of feeling her girlfriend up. "Don't start, Ellie." There is no bite behind her words, but she knows they both need to stay focused on getting ready for the day. After almost throwing her reputation out the window last semester, Dina had made Ellie promise that the two of them would keep one another honest when it came to school and work. That meant no sex before class, or if there were any big deadlines. The redhead groans into Dina's neck, and it almost makes her give in. "Come, we can shower together." Ellie tenses behind her. "ONLY shower Ellie." Dina chuckles at how ridiculous her girlfriend is. Day one, and she is already trying to break the rules they had agreed on. It makes her heart swell.

Dina finds Chris in his usual seat in the faculty lounge. "OMG, my favorite lesbian." She rolls her eyes, combing through the stack of contracts and paperwork left in her cubby. "What are you up to, dark lord?" He scoffs then sucks his tongue. "Sooooo. I am introducing the concept of reading to my Critical Thinking class." Dina takes the bait. "Reading? I mean, it is day one but come on, Chris." She is just fucking with him because if Dina knows anything about Chris, it is that nothing is ever what it seems with him. 

He responds with a dark smirk into the computer screen in front of him. "Oh, I forgot. You're new!" He swivels his chair and crosses one leg over the other. His purple slacks and leather shoes emblazoned with spikes showing just how much he wanted to make a certain kind of impression on the first day. "Let me read you." Dina feels and hears someone walk behind her, but her attention is entirely focused on her friend sitting like he is holding court right in that lounge. "Your heels tell me that you want to conform to gender norms, but clearly, you are not comfortable in them. Meaning you do shit you don't want to in order to fit in. But your leather jacket and 'Daddy' slacks with the button up tell me you crave power. You don't wear a lot of makeup, so you are not obsessed with your looks, but your nails are short, so you aren't single and, most importantly, queer as the day is long!" The words spill out of his mouth in fast secession as he scanned her from head to toe.

Dina scoffs. Of course he got it right, but that is hardly a feat. They know one another after all. But before she can tell him as much, she hears someone suck their teeth behind her. Turning her eyes meet Nancy watching the two of them with her eyes narrowed. Chris swoops in to save the day. "Want me to read you next?" Dina can almost hear the silent "bitch" that punctuates Chris's question. "Read? Last time I checked, the definition said nothing about humiliating someone." Oh shit. Dina knows what's about to happen. She almost feels sorry for poor Nancy for getting into a battle of wits with the wrong person. "Who said I was humiliating Dina?" Nancy turns to look at Dina in the eyes. "Wasn't he?" 

Dina smiles at her, overly sweet and obviously fake. "I would never be humiliated by anyone first off. Second, everything he said was the truth." She turns to wink at her friend, who tilts his head in a challenge to the woman confronting him. "Soooo, anyway. Reading means examining things for what they are outside of the surface. Yes, traditionally, it was used as a colloquialism in queer culture; however, its roots relate directly to the origin of the word. It is a translation of the complex. The way a scanner reads a barcode or a computer reads data. The way humans read the same words and yet assign their own meanings based on unconscious bias or personal experience. It is interpreting content, based on context." Nancy stands motionless behind her, and Dina wishes she could keep a straight face long enough to turn to see the look on her face.

Chris promptly gathers his things and heads towards the door. "Love you, my little power lesbian." And just like that, he leaves Dina with the grenade that is Nancy. The other woman has not moved from her spot since Chris levied his argument, and Dina awkwardly shuffles the papers in her hand. Maybe she will just leave. Even better, quit and never return. 

Instead, she starts a line of questioning Dina is sure to find far more offensive than Chris "reading" her. "Are you..." Don't you do it. "Are you a lesbian?" This is the first person Dina has had to come out to. Figures it would be fucked up like this. She wonders if coming out to people will always feel this pointless, this fucking unnecessary, and stupid. "I am." She doesn't even look up from the contract she is currently bent over signing. "Oh! Cool." Is it Nancy? "And you have a girlfriend?" "I do." That answer is one she has to play off as routine. "And what does she do?" Of fucking course. Only a woman like this could go from thoroughly dragged to Grand Inquisitor in less than sixty seconds. "She's in the military." It was the first thing to come to her, and it was the furthest thing from what her girlfriend actually did. "Right." Dina can't stomach much more. "Have a good first day!" She brushes past her on the way out the door and rolls her eyes dramatically once out of view.

Ellie, Abby, and Jen wander into class laughing at one another, and Dina's breath catches. It had been so normal to be laughing along with recently that she finds it hard not to call out to them to share the joke with her. Ellie shoots her a brief smirk, and Dina has to look around to make sure no one else noticed. Thankfully Manny is late as usual, and no one else was turned around to see the trio sitting in the back row. A second later, Shan runs in and takes an empty seat next to Abby. Fuck! Dina had forgotten about him taking the second half of this class to make up for failing it last year. Well, this was going to be nothing if not interesting.

Manny finally runs in at five after, while Dina is in the middle of getting class started. "So I guess I can't give you all my normal talk about being tardy." A few people laugh. The class is filled with all the same students from last semester. It was the only class on campus that took up two semesters, and both we required to get full credit. "Alright. You all already know the deal so let's talk about what you don't know." Manny turns a chair backward and straddles it as Dina eyes him sideways and continues. "In April, we travel to Colorado Springs for the regionals. Our region has schools competing from Wyoming, Utah, Colorado, New Mexico, Arizona, and West Texas. We fly out, and the school pays for the five person presentation team and two more back ups." Dina's eyes sweep the students in front of her, looking for interest in anyone's eyes. "It's up to those students to pitch our product." Her eyes catch momentarily on the familiar verdant pools of her girlfriend, and her brain almost turns off. "You guys ready to kick some ass?" Of course, that's all Manny has to contribute, but Dina is thankful he inadvertently bailed her out when Ellie distracted her.

After class, Dina checks her phone to see a few texts from Ellie. Clearly, the redhead was texting her instead of working with her group during class time. "You are so hot. In case I haven't told." Dina blushes in the hallway. "No texting in my class!" She smiles at her phone dumbly. "Sorry, Teach. I had to tell someone how hot you were." Dina is about to make her way to the basement to kill some time before her next class in an hour. "What do you have next?" "Creative Writing with your favorite." Telling Ellie about Chris's brutal drag of her earlier would likely be ill-advised if the redhead was to respect her professor as she should, so Dina decides against it. "Upstairs?" "Yea. But I stopped to drop off my tuition payment." Dina changes course and heads up the stairs instead. She finds the old animation room that was currently being remodeled and unlocks the door with her key. "Meet me in 13B." "What? Why?" Dina doesn't respond; she just waits in the dark.

The doorknob slowly turns after a few minutes, and Dina monetarily worries that it could be someone else. How would she explain her presence in the dark of this room that no one is using. To her relief, the redhead slinks in through a small sliver in the door and shuts it behind her. Dina is on her in a second later, kissing her girlfriend breathless while groping for the lock to make sure they aren't walked in on. "What're doing?" Ellie manages to get out between kisses and breaths. "Kissing my girlfriend." Ellie smiles onto her lips. "Not a good idea." Dina huffs, "The best idea." "But our rules?" Ellie begins pressing kisses to Dina's neck, whispering into her ear and sending shivers careening down her spine. "And here I thought you were a rebel, Williams." 

Dina's knees start to shake just as Ellie finally breaks away. "Not that this isn't doing it for me, but we should seriously be careful, Teach." Ellie's right, of course. They had set up the rules to separate their two lives, and here was Dina, blurring those lines on day one. Damn her self control or lack thereof. "Ok. I guess you're right." Ellie grabs her by both cheeks softly and looks deep into her eyes. The fragments of yellow light from the closed blinds behind them feel like a spotlight to Dina, and the world slows. Had she ever truly known love before now? The redhead plants a series of soft kisses on Dina's cheeks, forehead, and finally her lips before pulling her tightly into her strong arms. "Gotta go to class." They rock together for a second longer. "I'll go out first and knock when it's clear for you." She peels herself away, holding Ellie's hand as long as she can to prolong the attachment. Thankfully the hallway is empty. 5pm classes have already started, and Ellie is clearly late. She knocks once, and Ellie darts out of the room and into another room down the hall without looking back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Setting the stage for what was easily the craziest semester of tenure in high education.
> 
> The scene with Chris and Nancy was so wonderful to recall while writing it. Don't you love it when someone thinks they are the smartest person in the room and they get humbled?
> 
> So if you haven't noticed yet, this competition class is going to be the source of a lot of the plot for a bit here. It was like the center of the universe for all the crazy things complicating the start of the relationship.
> 
> Also, I may or may not have pulled my wife into an empty classroom on the first day of classes ;)
> 
> PS. Anyone catch the Shakespeare and Dostoevsky nods in here?
> 
> Thanks for the continued support. Keep those comments coming please!


	44. A heart that's full up like a landfill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie and Dina try to have a normal relationship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from No Surprises by Radiohead (easily my wife's favorite band)

Are pheromones a thing because Dina is currently buried face first in her girlfriend's armpit. That is absolutely not something she has some kink for. No quite the opposite. Every other human's odor has repulsed her. She is a huge fan of personal hygiene and deodorant, but for some reason, Ellie's scent just triggers something deep within in her. It's almost primal but not exclusively sexual. She just feels like this smell was meant for her as she takes a big inhale.

"What are you doing?" The redhead chuckles as she traces circles over Dina's shoulders. She's been caught. Up until now, Dina had silently found herself smelling her girlfriend, but now she has to fess up. "Ummm. Smelling you?" She hides her face deeper in Ellie's side to avoid the embarrassment surely written all over her face. "I smell. Stop." Dina shakes her head and inhales again, deeper and more dramatic. No sense in trying to be subtle anymore. Ellie giggles and tries to escape her grasp. "Baaaaabe. I haven't showered yet." Dina whines as the redhead clamps her bicep to her ribs, effectively shutting out. 

"You have some weird thing for pits?" Dina giggles. "No!" She feels herself blush and become sheepish. "Just yours, or more like the way you smell. Like have you ever been in a closed space with someone, say in a car or something, and you can smell them, and the smell just triggers something hostile in you?" Ellie smiles halfway as she appears to be trying to recall. "I once had to ride the Greyhound bus from Boston here, so yea." While Dina has never ridden the Greyhound bus, she is sure that would be enough to make her hostile without any smells. 

"Ok, well, then your smell is the complete opposite. It triggers something in me that makes me want to be near it all the time." Ellie eyes her lips and pulls her smaller frame on top of her. "I don't know. Maybe I feel like it was made for me? Is that weird?" The redhead pushes some unruly curls behind Dina's ears as she watches her eyes softly. Her other hand is busy tracing patterns on the small of Dina's back, fingertips dipping into the dimples there. "Not at all. I feel like you were made for me." Dina's heart rates triples, but she keeps her outward appearance stoic. Weeks of practicing not falling apart recklessly over the redhead have made her a pro. "Oh, yea? How so?" Ellie smiles and continues stroking her hair so softly Dina's eyes are practically fluttering shut. "You are so soft. And I love soft things. I have never touched anything as soft as you." Her green eyes roll shut as her hands run up Dina's sides. "You're perfect."

Dina can't help but lean forward to kiss that face with such a perfect look on it. Ellie is blissed out, and Dina feels so much; her mouth needs to be occupied before "I love you" falls out of her mouth inadvertently. A soft kiss and then another and then, "So...Softness, check. What else?" Another kiss, and Ellie hums into her lips. "You're so smart." Dina kisses her again, longer this time. "Brains. Check." This time the redhead smirks as her hands move down over Dina's ass. The squeeze makes Dina squeak. She adds through a laugh, "Ok, my ass. We've established that." And then her tone changes. "Keep going." Ellie's hands run up her sides again and around the front of her torso to wedge between their bodies, landing on her breasts. She can't help but smile wide onto Ellie's lips. The redhead is blushing and smirking with her eyes wide. "Again. We already know that." 

"When is it your turn to share?" Ellie squeezes, and Dina rolls her eyes. "What more do you want?" "All I got was you like the way I smell." The scarred eyebrow is cocked in a silent challenge, and Dina would give her anything. Still, this is dangerous territory. Telling someone you love the things you love about them without saying you love them, yea, it's as complicated as it sounds. Dina tries to distract both of them by kissing down the column of the redhead's neck. "You're funny and witty." Ellie squirms, fingers digging into Dina's hips. "So intelligent. You have the biggest heart." Another nip and goosebumps break out under Dina's lips as she murmurs, "So sensitive." The woman below her groans and turns her head to the side, allowing better access. "You're so talented." Ellie grabs onto Dina tighter, holding on under the intensity as her breath rate increases.

"I love the way you command the room when you lecture." Dina smirks under her ear. "You just have a thing for your teachers." Ellie shakes her head no. "Just you." Dina sucks on her clavicle in response. "I adore the way you fidget when you're nervous. It's so fucking cute." Ellie snorts into her hair. "I'm awkward as fuck." "And I love it!" Oh shit. That just came out. Dina lays her cheek on Ellie's chest to try and hide her embarrassment at her unplanned outburst. "Well, I love the way you laugh. Especially when I'm the one making you laugh." She presses a long kiss to the crown of Dina's head. 

"Oh, yea? Well, I love your dimples when you smirk." Ellie's thumb and forefinger reach down to pull Dina's chin upward. No hiding now. Her heart rate is thundering. Is this about to happen? "Do you believe in soulmates?" Funny, Dina had wondered that just a few days ago. The redhead's face grows serious, and Dina is silent. She wants to answer, truly, but the fear of any of her answers being the one that lets the truth out is paralyzing. "I didn't use to." And she leaves it at that. Her response seems to satisfy the older woman as she twists and deposits Dina under her. 

Classes have been going well for both of them. They have found a pattern that works for both of them, and their schedules start to slot into place. What is certain is that any moment not on campus or when Ellie is at work is spent together. Of course, doing things like going out on dates is challenging because of their circumstances, but they are slowly figuring it out. 

One Saturday night, Ellie asks Dina to go with her to the movies. "El, we can't. There's only one movie theater in town, and it's Saturday night. Someone will see us for sure." The redhead is unconvinced. "Trust me. I have a plan." When they pull up in front of the packed theater, Dina starts to sweat. "Ok, you go in and buy your ticket." "By myself?" Ellie snickers. "Yes! Come on, you could be meeting someone there. Which, you are. No one needs to know who." "And then what, Ellie? I stand around waiting for you?" The redhead deadpans and huffs. "No! I'll be there already, buying my ticket but in a different line. And then I'll get popcorn while you get us seats. See? It's like a coincidence that we're both here at the same time." This isn't sounding very convincing.

"So get seats near the back that way no one can see us from behind." It's not where Dina wants to sit, but she has to admit that Ellie was smart to suggest it. Maybe she had thought this through more than she's giving her credit for. "Then what?" "You just text me when the previews start, and the lights are out. Tell me where you are, and then I come in." Smart. Of course, Ellie had figured out these logistics.

The plan goes off without a hitch, and the two are cuddled in the dark watching the movie from the back row. It's not ideal, but Dina thinks it feels perfect. But as the film's plot resolves and the end looms, Dina starts to panic again. "Babe?" "Hmmm?" "How the fuck do we get out of here?" Ellie squeezes her hand. "I got ya." She pulls Dina's hand up to her lips but never takes her eyes off the screen. A few more agonizing moments pass, and Dina's anxiety is spiking. Ellie seems not to notice until suddenly she lets Dina's hand go and stands to make her way down the row and down the aisle to another row closer to the front. Dina is left alone in the dark, staring at her girlfriend several rows in front of her and off to one side. Watching the end alone sucks, but this is the safest approach. 

The credits roll, and Dina is out of her seat and into the lobby so quickly it isn't apparent which theater she even came out of. Several other movies let out simultaneously. Dina wonders if Ellie picked this one because the showtimes matched up with so many others? Her girl is a fucking genius! She is almost rejoicing until the lobby opens in front of her, and she glimpses more than a few familiar faces. Still, the crowd is thick enough she can weave around and disappear into the arcade. Ellie texts her just as she slips into a racing game's cockpit, hoping to hide a little. "Where are you?" "In the arcade. Lots of students in the lobby." Dina considers leaving the theater but standing in front of Ellie's recognizable Jeep in the cold doesn't seem like a good idea either. 

Suddenly she hears the unmistakable sweet sound of the redhead's laughter from the lobby. She doesn't dare look, instead sinking further into the plastic seat under her. Before she knows it, her phone buzzes. "Ok, coasts clear. Meet me at the Jeep." She crawls out of the cockpit and heads straight for the doors leading away from this death trap. She pushes them open and comes face to face with Nancy and a guy, presumably her date. Fuck! Talk about shit timing. "Dina!? Hi." They are so close Dina can't pretend she didn't see them. "Oh, hi." She feigns surprise, but this is so fucking awkward, and she just wants to leave, make a clean getaway. 

"What did you see?" "Umm, Hateful Eight." The guy next to her smirks. "Don't." Nancy doesn't even look his way as she issues what appears to be a warning. "He wants to see that, but I think Tarantino is trash." Of course she does. "Well, I would say he loves his cliche troupes and is known to steal from his idols, like Scorsese. But what's that Picasso quote?" "Good artists borrow..." The guy next to her starts, and Dina joins him in finishing, "Great artists steal." They both laugh, and Nancy looks like she might explode. 

"I'm Josh." "Dina. Nancy and I work together." She shakes his hand tentatively as he seems a bit over-eager in his approach, a fact not lost on Nancy. In fact, Dina can practically see the sparks shooting from her eyes and her mouse-brown hair catching fire. "Did you come alone or with your GIRLFRIEND?" The question is meant to single to her date that Dina is unavailable, but it is upsetting to Dina as well. Did you she come with her girlfriend? Yes, but is it wise to admit that in the case they were seen or someone puts two and two together? "No. I came with friends. She's..." In her Jeep across the parking lot waiting for me. "Out of town doing some training." Her date, Josh, is still watching Dina like she is the most interesting thing he has seen in a long time. "Anyways, I better go. Nice to meet you, Josh. Enjoy the movie, you two." As she jumps from the curb and begins crossing the parking lot, she hears Josh yell after her, "Pleasure meeting you."

"Shit, are you ok? I almost came looking for you." The Jeep is already idling as she climbs in quickly. "Go!" As they pull out of the parking lot, Dina breaks out in laughter. "What?" Between the laughs, Dina tells the story of running into Nancy and meeting her reluctant date. The redhead is amsued until Dina suggests that he might have been more interested in her than his uptight date. "He fucking better not. I mean, he can wish, but you're mine." The look on her face is serious, and it strikes right between Dina's thighs. She has never seen the redhead be possessive, but it's turn on. That's a new one to her since any other time someone was possessive was such a turn-off. In fact, she often had ditched dates at parties to make out with someone else to prove to them that she belonged to no one. But here she is swooning over Ellie, doing the exact thing she used to find so repulsive. "I am yours. All yours." Her hand slides over the grey jeans covering Ellie's solid thigh. Ellie nods, once eyes still serious as if to silently say "damn straight." 

"You hungry?" Dina nods vigorously. She is starving but going out to eat is a non-starter. The small selection of restaurants will be packed on a Saturday night. Filled with opportunities to get seen by someone they shouldn't, and they already had more than one close call for the night. "Carry out?" "Duh! And we can go back to my place and watch food porn!" The redhead's cheeks instantly light up red in a furious blush. "Food what!?" "Porn." Dina smirks as she realizes the redhead isn't comfortable with the word of aware of what she means.

"What's that?" It's cute how flustered she is, avoiding the word entirely. Dina takes it up a notch. "You know..." She smirks out her window, trying to seem nonchalant. "Like when you have sex and watch porn." The gasp from the other side of the Jeep is faint, but she still hears it. She chuckles into her face at the thought of the look on the redhead's face next to her. "I've...never..." Dina turns to act surprised. "Really?" Of course, Ellie hasn't. Dina could tell by that solely based on her reaction to the word "porn." 

"Oh really?" Ellie nods, the red blush now making its way under the collar of her flannel. "Well, let's just say it is an assault on your senses. Like touching and hearing and seeing." Her mouth makes an "o" shape as Dina continues. "And with food, it's the same." The Jeep goes quiet as the song changes. "So...." Dina cocks an eyebrow at her girlfriend. "Wanna try it?" She doesn't specify which combination she means. "Wi...with...food?" Her voice is quivering, and Dina finds it all delicious and adorable at the same time. "Yes, gorgeous." They pull up to a light, and Dina leaves over the gear shift to whisper into her Ellie's ear. "Food.... first."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pheromones are a damn thing! I cannot get enough of how my wife smells. At first, I thought it was weird but it makes sense. I have never been more attracted to someone's scent before.
> 
> That exchange of the things they "love" about one another was a hard one to navigate IRL. I think we both wanted to say the L word at the point but no one wanted to scare the other away.
> 
> Being in the honeymoon phase and having to sneak around sucked. We had systems and plans for everything!
> 
> That exchange with Nancy was super amusing IRL. I felt really bad for her date who clearly had no idea what he got himself into by going out with her. She was pretty fucking uptight.
> 
> Also, Tarantino steals EVERYTHING, fight me! Props if you knew that Picasso quote as well.
> 
> So food porn is a thing and we still watch the Food Network when we eat at home. If you haven't done that, I cannot recommend it enough ;p


	45. I don't understand the now before the then

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drama, just straight up drama

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Fuck You Lucy by Atmosphere

It feels like just yesterday, Dina was convinced that she couldn't have it all. This sad realization came to her while still in college. Sure, she had felt what it was like to be recklessly in love before, but she saw what that did to her and how the fallout had haunted her life since high school. So she resolved never to fall like that again, or at least not to seek it out. It was how falling into her relationship with Jesse became so easy. Nothing about her feelings for him were dangerous or disruptive. Dina could never lose sight of her other goals with something so innocuous. Of course, the relationship had become limiting and disruptive in other ways. It happened so slowly she hardly noticed the impact they had on things like her self esteem and drive to leave her mark on the world. Now she sees how close she was to having none of it. The thought makes her stomach turn as she clenches her eyes shut to push it away. All it takes is her rolling onto her side to see the redhead snoring softly next to her, and she is reminded that now, she does, in fact, have it all. 

January had flown past them as they fell into step with one another. Sneaking away to the park nearby campus to eat lunch with one another in Ellie's Jeep, driving to Wilson just to have drinks or a night out, and most importantly, never sleeping apart from one another. Even though Dina was still fighting to keep her true feelings hidden, the relationship was flourishing. When you are in love like this, the world seems to stop for you, and everything is new and exciting all over again. The two shared themselves and their lives with one another in a way that almost made Dina forget that they hadn't expressed love yet, almost.

Aside from everything going so well in her personal life, Dina had some other annoyances at work and with her finances pop up in the last few weeks. At work, Nancy and the new Dean appeared out to destroy her, or at least push her to her limits to make her quit or wash out. Her lesson plans were scrutinized, and she was having to spend extra time with Nancy to "improve" them. But Dina was a master at playing this game. If she wasn't wanted there, she was going to have to be fired, and everyone knew Dina was one of the best and most well-liked professors on campus. Aside from that, Dina had a plan. Winning the competition meant she would be untouchable and likely granted full-time professor status. 

She and Manny were banking on delivering a win to keep the two new women off their backs. A lot was riding on it, but she had faith in her students, and Ellie seemed to notice how important this was. The redhead had assembled a crew of a few other students who were going above and beyond both in and out of class to make sure that what they brought to Colorado Springs was enough to bring home a trophy. The group consisted of Ellie, Abby, Jen, Shan, and another sophomore named Jordan. The five students often meet daily, but Dina didn't let it bother her as she often spent those hours with Manny making sure everything was lining up. It felt nice to be working together towards a common goal. She and Ellie made a fantastic team, albeit a silent one. 

Outside of work, Dina had noticed that yet another month had passed where Jesse missed paying the SUV entirely. On top of that, he had not made any move to send money for the credit card payment as they had agreed on. She texted him at the end of the month and threatened to repossess the SUV and sell it if he let this trend continue. Of course, she hadn't heard back. Now it was almost the second week of February, and she was starting to get angry.

Originally her intention was to track down the credit card statement to mail him with a note about the SUV payments. She wanted to send it certified mail or even require a signature to prove he received it. As she combed through her mail, she became concerned that she still did not seem to have a credit card statement for that account. Surely by now, the change of address should have been handled? Dina pulled the card from her wallet and called card services on the back of it. 

"Hi, ma'am? Thanks for holding. So it appears that a change of address was requested at the end of December." That had to be the one she requested, even though the timeline seemed a little later than when she had initially requested it. Maybe their system didn't make it official right away? "Ok, but I am still not getting statements at my new address." "Ok, can you confirm your address for me?" After Dina recited her address, the line went silent. "Hmmm. This account was requested to forward to 513 West Street, Wilson Wyoming 83014." Dina is confused. Maybe there was a glitch in their system? "Weird. That is absolutely not my address. I don't live in Wilson. Do you have any more details about the request?" 

Something in her tells her to throw her laptop open and do a quick map search of the address in Wilson as the customer service rep types away on the other end of the line. "I see that it was requested on December 28th, on the same day you requested and were approved for a credit line increase." Dina's veins ice over, and she freezes. "Excuse me? I requested what?" She hits return in her address search out of pure muscle memory and sees the results pop up on the screen. Her mind is too occupied to parse them at the moment, however. "You requested and were approved for a credit limit increase. The new credit limit is now $15,000 as of December." Dina almost chokes on nothing. Her eyes flit to the screen and see the top result in her search. It's the Wilson Fire Station. "What is the balance on the account?" She winces before even finishing the question. "Ma'am, the card balance is $14,978.04" She drops her head into her hands. 

"Ma'am, is there something wrong? I need to know if I should transfer you to the fraud department. I do see there is a secondary on the account. Could they have requested the changes?" Dina can barely hear the voice on the other end. Her ears are ringing, and she feels her short fingernails digging into her palm. "Can you please tell me what the most recent charges are to the card?" "I can email you a statement to the email on file?" Dina feels the tears pricking at her eyes. "Please. And can we please change the address of record to my correct address and then after that I would immediately like to close this account." 

As soon as the two women finish and Dina finally hangs up, she opens the email of the latest charges. Almost $13,000 charged in a matter of two months. There are charges for $5,000 to a furniture store whose name she recognizes, $4,000 to Apple, $2,000 to a tire shop, and various other smaller transactions for things like food and retail stores. She has to stop herself from throwing the laptop across the room. 

Instead, she texts Ellie, who is at home waiting for someone from school to leave after stopping by to buy weed. "Please come over ASAP. I'm fucking flipping out." Dina immediately walks outside to sit on her patio and starts calling Jesse over and over. She quickly loses count of how many times she hears his voicemail pick up until finally, he answers. "What the fuck Dina? I'm at work!" Dina can hear a woman in the background giggling, and she is certain if he is not in fact, at work. "Jesse, do you want to tell me what the fuck is going on with credit card?" The line goes silent, and the annoying giggling in the background stops abruptly. 

Ellie swings the door open to the patio to find Dina pacing and in tears. Her face looks concerned, but Dina is avoiding direct eye contact. "Jesse, please tell me you did not change the address, request a credit limit increase, and then charge over $13,000 of shit on this card!?" She is practically yelling into the phone. Ellie's fists clench, and her eyes go wide. Jesse breathes heavily on the other end. "Fuck Dina, I needed a bed! You took my bed!" Dina stops in her tracks. "Are you fucking kidding me!? You have a job, Jesse, buy your bed. And who the fuck buys a $5,000 bed!?" Her breathing is labored, and Ellie is behind her, rubbing her back softly. 

"Well, you left me with nothing, Dina! I bought some other furniture." "What!? Fucking what, Jesse. I took NO other furniture. And besides, what about the other shit you clearly thought it was ok to buy?" She cannot believe this person is trying to justify this. "Well, you took your laptop, and I needed a computer!" "A Mac Jesse!? What do you need a fucking Mac for!? Buy a goddam PC from the the fucking pawn shop. And NOT WITH MY FUCKING MONEY!" She is screaming now, and Ellie stands idly by watching it all in silence. "I am not going to talk about this when you are this mad, Dina." "Jesse, I swear to god, I am coming for that dirt bike today, and you are paying every fucking cent of this off, or I will goddamn sue you. And if you don't refinance the SUV to get me off of it this fucking month, I will take that too. Do you fucking hear me?" She is shaking in anger, ready to hit something. The line is silent until she hears rustling like Jesse put the phone back in his pocket. "What does she expect? You needed a bed. Don't worry about it, Jesse." The voice is muffled, likely through the fabric holding his phone as he clearly thought Dina had hung up. She knew it was probably Grace, and the thought this woman was backing him infuriated her. 

The phone was clenched in her fist as she ended the call and turned to Ellie, who watched her with a soft look in her eyes. Dina fell suddenly into her arms and sobbed as the redhead pressed her close. It had been years since she felt this angry. Her mind shot back to the conversation she and Jesse had at the Wilson fire station. He had insisted she keep this card open. It was like he had been planning it. She also could not ignore the timing of the whole thing. He had changed the address, requested the credit limit increase, and started the task of maxing the card out after he came over unannounced to find her and Ellie fresh from the shower. How could she be so dumb to let him betray her like this? If there was one thing Dina hated, it was feeling like someone got the best of her. And to top it all off, part of her was starting to consider that maybe this was some sort of sick karma for breaking his heart. Apparently, having it all came at a cost?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part of the timeline was really difficult for me personally. I was so happy in my relationship. Happier than I ever thought possible. But professionally I was in hell with "Nancy" and the new Dean out for me. On top of it, my financial future was put in jeopardy by my ex.
> 
> Yea so I said Jesse would be back with a vengeance. Yes, this really happened. I was left with the bill and paid it off on my own. At the time I was furious but now, $15,000 to get someone out of your life who is that toxic, is a small price to pay in the scheme of things. Trust me though, I agonized over what I wanted to do and what I should do for years. I suppose I figured that this would come back to haunt my ex in some way I may never be privy to. 
> 
> What made it harder on me, was that our "mutual" friends thought she was justified to run up this credit card. I had to have a talk with them to explain that she had 1. Cheated on me, 2. Not paid for shit since the breakup, and 3. Ran the card up after trying to hide it from me. The whole thing ruined it all for me. We will explore some of the aftermath in later chapters though.
> 
> Anyhow, whew that was cathartic and upsetting to revisit. 
> 
> As always, thanks for the support and the comments!


	46. The highest elevation, cause we above all that romance crap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fallout from such a betrayal has residual effects on everything in Dina's life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from I'll Be There for You / You're All I Need to Get By by Method Man and Mary J. Blige (Another classic hip hop love song)

Dina hasn't been sleeping well. She is plagued by an uncomfortableness that sits heavily on her chest, lingering just in the corners of her mind. Nothing scratches the itch, and she is worried it will never go away. It's not the money; it's the implications behind the betrayal. She isn't hypocritical enough to be angry at the embodiment of Jesse's lack of love for her, but that stings a little nonetheless. No, what really gets to her and keeps her up at night is that someone she had trusted so wholly had violated her trust so grossly. Dina didn't give trust to anything or anyone freely, but Jesse had worn her down in more ways than one. Her mind replies the night on the couch after extra credit beers with Ellie when she explained to the redhead why she was even with him in the first place. It was all about trust; he was supposed to be the safe option, and she had been so fucking wrong. 

Of course, any sane person could compartmentalize the hurt caused by one lover from another, but Dina was so shaken by the calculated nature of this betrayal that it was bleeding over her current relationship. If the safe choice, the sure thing was a lie, this had to be a thousand times more risky. And what's worse is she is trapped at this point–no going back. She can't turn off her feelings, feelings that could so easily lead to misplaced trust and even more scars than what she is already nursing. If five years and so many promises had lead to this, what assurances did she have from her first girlfriend?

But Ellie never falters, hanging on to Dina even as her doubts threaten to pull her away. Part of Dina wants to chase her away before she finds a way to blow it all up, but she knows it will just bring more pain. Perhaps stupidly, Dina decides that she wants part of something instead of nothing, even if this ends badly. So she leans into the redhead and hopes her anger, pain, and incessant need for self-preservation don't ruin it all.

For her part, Ellie tries everything to distract her. "Let's go out Saturday night?" They hadn't been out since the night they bumped into the ghost of Ellie's past and the one of their present. "Where? We can't go to the club. Shan..." The redhead smirks at her, and Dina can tell she has something planned. "I doubt Shan will even bat an eye." Had those two had a conversation where Ellie confirmed she was the professor's girlfriend? Were they laughing about Ellie scoring the teacher? She felt herself jump to a million conclusions, none of them good. "How do you know that?" Her teeth gnash in her mouth to keep her from saying something worse. "Well, let's just say he is hoping to have his own secrets to keep soon enough." Dina doesn't have the heart for this game. "What the fuck are you talking about, Ellie?" This time her question lacks the polish she had been trying so hard to wrap it in. 

"Chill babe. He just has a thing for Nancy." Now Dina feels like an ass for getting annoyed in the first place. "Sorry. I'm just..." Ellie smooths her hand over her back in understanding. "And who the fuck would ever have a thing for Nancy!?" Usually, she wouldn't say something like that out loud, no matter how much she had thought it. Clearly, this whole thing is affecting her more than she initially realized. Thankfully, maybe mercifully, the redhead snorts in response. "I don't get it either. But have you noticed Nancy has been wearing skirts more often to school?" Dina had not. Despite spending more time than she ever wanted with that woman, she still tries not to be fully present during their exchanges. "So. Ellie women wear skirts, especially straight women." She tries to joke, but everything is coming out with a tinge of venom. Ellie rolls her eyes. "But does every woman sit on a desk in front of a student and suggestively cross and uncross her legs in said skirts?" Dina chokes on her own spit or was it bile. "Fucking gross." Ellie is nodding vigorously. "I had to stop sitting next to him. I can't handle it."

It is an improbable pairing. In fact, Dina is confused why her girlfriend seems to think the uptight professor is flirting with Shan in the first place. Shan lives in a van after literally moving to Jackson on a whim just for snowboarding season. He enrolled in school to kill time when he wasn't riding and stayed when he enjoyed it. Dina always saw him as someone who flew by the seat of his pants, the type of guy who was fun at a party, handsome, and looked good on someone's arm, but never the kind you settled down with. And Nancy, well, she was clearly the opposite. If she looked down on Dina for not being as professional or educated as her, how could she possibly go for the man child who was littered in tattoos and often worse the same thing to class for a week straight?

But aside from all of this, Dina panics even more. If Shan and Nancy ever really did become a thing, what would keep him from telling her about Dina and Ellie? "Ellie, he is going to fucking tell her! The worst person on earth to know about us!" "Hey, hey. It's ok. He won't tell her..." Dina huffs. "Pillow talk is a fucking thing, El. He absolutely will." Ellie shrugs in response. "Well, by then, she will be guilty of the same thing. Level playing field again." While the redhead has a point, it does little to quell Dina's anxiety. She does like that she has something over her arrogant co-worker, though. It is filed away in her head for safekeeping. "Babe, please! Let's just go out and dance it out tonight. I promise you will feel better. We can drink cheap whiskey and not care about anything else." The pout she accentuates the plead with is unfair, and Dina gives in despite her better judgment.

Dina curses herself for agreeing to this. They are currently in a mass of sweaty bodies waiting to get Shan's attention behind the bar. Ellie has her arms wrapped around Dina's waist, anchoring her there, almost forcing her to face her fears. His dark eyes catch hers, and he waves them over. "Hey Teach! Ellie. What do you all want?" Ellie leans over Dina's shoulder. "Crown and Coke no ice." Dina watches him grab two pint glasses and fill them with a full bottle of Crown before topping them with a splash of Coke. Why is trying to get them so drunk? Is he being friendly, or is there another motive? Dina is questioning everything and everyone lately, and this guy's affiliation with the woman who is arguably her nemesis doesn't do him any favors.

"Just so you know, no one else from school is here tonight, so let loose." Dina squints at him in silent skepticism. Ellie reaches to pull her wallet out, and Shan shakes his head. "On me." And just like that, he disappears down the bar to the next patron. Dina grabs her glass of whiskey and turns in her girlfriend's arms. "See? Told you it was fine." But she still is not convinced, not by a long shot.

After downing half the warm glass of cheap blended whiskey, Dina finally relaxes some. She finds herself letting go of everything, just as Ellie promised. But the sheer amount of liquid she has consumed has her leaving Ellie to retreat to the restroom. On her way, weaving through the crowd, she catches a glimpse of a familiar and unwelcome face. It's Stamps, and when she spots Dina walking alone to the bathroom, she darts past her in the opposite direction. Dina knows it means nothing good, but she can't follow her with a full bladder. The entire time washing her hands, Dina decides to take her time, swearing if Ellie is talking to her when she emerges, she will kill someone. There has already been enough alcohol for Dina to be in her usual mood; fight or fuck.

She purposefully slows her steps as she rounds the corner to look over the entire dancefloor. She sees it, Ellie with her head bent down so the shorter girl can be heard without getting too close and Stamps touching her forearm and elbow while she leans in to say something. The whiskey catches fire in her veins. Dina pauses to plan who to punch first and then takes long strides across the dancefloor, using her hands to move sweaty bodies out of her way. Her eyes are locked on her girlfriend and the other girl touching her arm. As she gets closer, she can hear Stamps drunkenly yell over the music. "...you're still with that chick then?" Ellie appears to shrink back at the question. It is hard to miss how uncomfortable Ellie appears to be. 

Dina moves one more body out of her way before reaching out to pull the offending fingers from her girlfriend's arm. She grips firmly and pulls back, her right hand balled into a fist and cocked at her side, like a loaded gun. Ellie's eyes widen as she reflexively grabs the tensed arm from Dina's side and uses it to pull the smaller woman into her body. The gesture makes Dina let go of Stamps' wrist. "Yes. Of course, I'm still with this amazing woman." Ellie doesn't even look towards Stamps as she answers. Then the redhead punctuates the statement with a searing kiss, and Dina's fist opens to pull the redhead further into the kiss from the nape of her neck. The two fall into one another completely, forgetting everything about their surroundings. When Dina finally does pull away, it is only to drag Ellie out the door while simultaneously calling a rideshare. Stamps is nowhere to be found, but regardless, Dina did not notice nor care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just setting the stage for some further craziness.
> 
> Being betrayed by someone you trusted can seriously make you question everything. And for some reason, being cheated on was not even as close to as much of a violation as the credit card. I legit lost sleep over this for at least a year. 
> 
> Isn't Ellie the best though!?
> 
> So my wife still talks about how awful it was when "Nancy" was flirting with "Shan" in class. I would be traumatized for fucking sure. She did have to move seats to avoid the Basic Instinct shit "Nancy" was doing.
> 
> So Stamps is a mixture of a few women that were following my wife around at the time. This exchange absolutely happened and I almost did some shit that would have put me in jail as a grown-ass woman with responsibilities. No matter how far I have gotten professionally, I can still go there. I think it's the Burque (Albuquerque) in me. We are scrappy here for sure. I see that same fire in Dina. I joke that I am all business in the board room but something entirely different outside of it.
> 
> Valentines Day is fast approaching, both in this story and IRL. So in the spirit of it, hit me with your best Valentines ever.


	47. Even trust could be a vice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dina is dealing with some shit as Valentine's Day approaches

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Advice to My Younger Self by Apollo Brown & Locksmith

Valentines Day is fast approaching, and Dina is finding it impossible to get into the spirit. She could chalk it up to a healthy skepticism that the holiday isn't just some capitalist ploy to sell unnecessary shit, but that would be a lie. Truthfully she wants to celebrate this year, if only because she is finally with someone worth that kind of cheesy, cliche romanticism. And yet, she just can't seem to decide what she wants to do for her girlfriend. Everything feels trite, predictable, and boring. That is particularly true because all Dina wants is to tell the redhead she is in love with her. 

While a profession of love is always a risky move, Dina had been feeling more comfortable being the one to say it first. That was up until her ex killed her confidence that she would ever be anything more than some sort of glorified status symbol or trust fund. Of course, her amazing girlfriend had been nothing if not supportive. Still, Dina can tell her melancholy moods and anger have been taking their toll on both of them.

Dina has been finding reasons to stay at work late to avoid making a further mess of things. She tells herself that all she needs is time to get over it and something productive to throw her negative energy into. In response, Ellie and her crew had been doubling down on "working sessions" for the competition. These sessions are really just excuses to hang at Abby, Ellie, and Jen's house to drink, smoke, and sometimes work. Dina tries not to feel jealous since it really is her doing that Ellie is partaking in them in the first place.

"So, what are your Valentine's plans?" Manny is nothing if not a creeper sometimes. Dina deals with it, but lately, it has been getting on her nerves. She has avoided talking about having a girlfriend to avoid the inevitable cringe-worthy conversation that will surely follow. Dude's like Manny see that kind of thing as a challenge or something they want to "see." It is gross enough considering that she might already be in this dude's "spank bank" based on the way he repeatedly tells her "she is the smartest person he knows" while staring at her tits.

She rises from her seat on the desk behind him to scribble a piece of an algorithm on the whiteboard before it leaves her head. "I don't know yet." She murmurs into the whiteboard as she scrutinizes her idea. "What? Como que, you don't know?" Dina isn't sure what is more annoying. That she can't figure the best way to handle the training data set for this model or that he seems to be more interested in his macho brand of flirting than in helping in any way. Turning around to glare at him, she huffs and caps her marker. "I just don't fucking know Manny." "No manches!" She rolls her eyes. 

"Aren't you still with that guy?" Oh, well turns out he hadn't heard about her break up. That's pretty surprising considering the size of the university and the town. "No. We broke up." Manny's eyes light up, and Dina regrets that she is the one telling him about her break up now that they are alone, working late in a virtually empty building. "So you don't have a Valentine?" Jezzus dude. She cringes inwardly. "No. I mean yes. I mean, I do have one." His eyebrows cock in question, and Dina can only sigh in response. "I'm in another relationship." She turns and begins staring a hole into the whiteboard and her flawed algorithm. Let that be the end of the conversation, please.

"Damn girl. You move fast, que no?" She shrugs and moves to erase one area in order to refactor it. Her mind gets consumed again as she starts to write out more in pseudo-code. It is getting closer. This machine learning model will change the game for their product, and she needs to help her students solve the complex logic required to train the model in the first place. "So who's the lucky guy?" Dammit, Manny. Of course, he still wants to talk about this instead of using his brain to help her a little. 

At this point, Dina is so frustrated with both her work on the board and her co-teacher she cannot help herself. She caps her marker again, tosses it haphazardly at the tray along the bottom of the board, and turns around to make her way back to the desk holding her laptop. She shuts it forcefully and starts stuffing it into her bag. "Not a guy. I have a girlfriend." The zipper on her bag snags at the least opportune time as she had planned to excuse herself and feign frustration and exhaustion to make a clean getaway.

"Oh!?" Fuck, fuck, fuck. Stupid fucking zipper. "I didn't know you..." She pulls the fabric from the teeth of the zipper, hoping he doesn't dare finish the fucking sentence. "...that you went both ways." "I don't!" She almost snarls. "So, you're..." "A lesbian. Yes!" He is gathering his small stack of papers, some filled with incredible scribbles of women with huge boobs. How typical. "Damn, that dude must have done something really wrong, huh?" Again, how typical. "No, turns out I've always been gay, just wasn't ready to admit it. Dating guys was just my way of avoiding it." While that is the truth, Dina thinks it is far more than Manny deserves after such an ignorant assumption. Lucky for both of them, Manny seems satisfied with it and just grunts in agreement. 

"Well, you'll have to give me pointers now." Manny finally breaks the silence as they make their way to the parking lot. "Pointers on what, Manny?" Dina is afraid of his answer, but part of her is so wound up she is almost aching for a fight. "About women, Dina." He doesn't elaborate, so she gives him a forced smile before saying goodnight and jumping in her truck. She cranks up the stereo and decides what she needs is a fast drive on the highway to get the rest of this aggression out before she can try to be normal around her girlfriend.

Dina drove all the way to South Park and back, speeding on the freeway and weaving in and out of traffic while yelling out the lyrics to Iggy Pop songs at the top of her lungs. By the time she turns down her street, she feels better, not great but better. That is until she digs her mail out of the back of the mailbox and notices the statement from the credit card that has become her shame has finally arrived. And just like that, she wants to break shit again.

An hour after getting home, Ellie finally texts her. Dina is half a bottle of Tequila deep by then, growing angrier by the minute. Of course, her anger isn't aimed at her girlfriend, but the alcohol is making everything blur together. "Hey babe! Are you home yet? Worried about you." Dina starts mumbling at her screen, "Worried? You're worried?" But she convinces her fingers to type out something coherent and civil. "Hi. I'm home. Are you staying there tonight?" Really what she wants to text her is come over and fuck me until I forget how shitty I feel. Sure, that isn't exactly the healthy way of coping with everything going on in her life at the moment, but she can't help that it's what she wants.

"I don't want to. But Jordan won't leave. He is fucking drunk and being annoying, and we can't get rid of him." Dina's fists clench. Something about the way that country boy followed Ellie around like a puppy dog never sat well with her. "Kick him the fuck out!" Dina is squeezing her phone so hard she thinks she could crush it in her small palm. The three dots next to Ellie's name light up and then disappear several times. Dina throws her hair up in a ponytail and starts to pull on her running shoes. She is about to sprint around the block and drag that hick out of Ellie's house by his Real Tree camo jacket. She pulls on a hoodie and sets the bottle of Tequila down on her counter just as her phone pings in her hand. "OMW." 

By the time Ellie is in her living room, Dina is angrily drinking straight from the bottle once more. The redhead approaches with caution. "Hey baby. You good?" "Greeeaaat." Ellie moves to slowly take a seat next to her drunk, obviously drunk girlfriend. "So what happened with Jordan?" She wants to know, but Dina is also aware that the story could lead to an unnecessary fight. "Baby, let's just go to bed. I'll tell you tomorrow. Please? I just want to hold you right now." For some reason, the look in those green eyes overtakes her, and Dina sets the bottle down before grabbing Ellie's hand and pulling her into the bedroom.

Dina wakes up far later than usual the next morning. Ellie is already awake, typing furiously at her phone. "What are you doing?" Fuck. Dina doesn't mean to sound so shitty, but lately, everything is coming out of her mouth sounding like this. "Well, good morning to you too." It doesn't sound like the redhead is joking this time. Maybe she has finally had enough of Dina's shit. It makes her want to double down for some sick reason. "Whatever. You texting your boyfriend after last night?" She rolls over and yanks the blankets with her forcefully. "Umm. No. What the fuck are you even talking about?" Dina rolls her eyes into her pillow. The redhead won't see it with her back to her, but she hopes Ellie will somehow feel it. "Hello? Dina, what and the hell is going on?"

"Why didn't Jordan want to leave last night?" She sits up and turns to face her girlfriend. There is no good reason to be this jealous and angry about Jordan. Dina is almost one hundred percent certain he poses no threat. The only reason Ellie is spending so much time with him is because Dina has been throwing herself into work to avoid ruining her relationship. Still, she finds herself pushing and stoking the anger inside her despite her better judgment. It somehow makes her even angrier, and here she is in some recursive loop. 

Ellie sets down her phone. "I don't want to fight about this, D. Please." "No one is fighting Ellie. Why didn't he want to leave?" Of course that is a lie. Dina is fighting, even if she is the only one. Besides, she knows she good enough at fighting that it would be easy to drag the redhead into it, even if she is an unwilling participant. Again the realization of all this makes another flare of anger spike inside her. "Fine. He told us that he loved us and was drunk as fuck and wouldn't go." Dina's hands pull at the covers draped over her lap. "Who's us?" She wants to tell herself to shut the fuck up. This isn't even something that would typically bother her. And again, that knowledge fans the flames in her.

"Me and Abby." "So he confessed his love to you?" Ellie pinches the bridge of her nose, and Dina can feel them approaching the point of no return. "He was drunk, but yea, I guess so." Dina scowls. "And you could not just kick him out? I knew he had a crush on you! It's fucking obvious from the way he follows you around." "D that's fucked up to kick a drunk person out without a safe way to get home. And who fucking cares if he has a crush on me?" Dina feels another wave of heat spark in her. "I am not fucking straight, and even if I was, HE would not be my choice."

There is an awkward silence. Damn Ellie for being so good at deescalating shit when all Dina wants is to fight. And then the redhead's phone lights up on the bed between them. Both of their eyes flit to the screen, and Dina's anger is rekindled. It's Riley, telling Ellie she is at her house. No words were necessary. It's not Thursday, not Ellie's day to visit Cash. She rises from bed and makes her way to the bathroom to shower. A fight over someone as inconsequential as Jordan was one thing. But Riley, that was more than a sore subject; one that they hadn't discussed since Dina's first and last conversation with Ellie's gorgeous ex at the park a while back.

"Where are you going?" Dina doesn't answer and turns on the hot water instead. She can hear the redhead talking from the bedroom, but the loud water makes it impossible for her to distinguish words. "Did you hear me?" Dina nods yes, despite not having heard a word. "Ok. I'll call you after?" Dina nods again, keeping her mouth shut to avoid the barrage of terrible shit she wants to yell regarding Ellie's departure after getting a text from her ex. Ellie grabs Dina's cheeks and forcing her to look into those green eyes. For a split second, Dina thinks about casually dropping an "I love you." But she knows it's not the right time. While she means it, saying it now would be solely to manipulate the redhead into staying with her instead of rushing home to meet up with her ex-girlfriend.

Dina emerges from the show feeling a little more human and less like a cornered animal. But it's short-lived once she checks her phone and sees no messages from her girlfriend. She rushes through, getting dressed and doing her makeup before heading out in the chilly morning to walk to Ellie's. Of course, she should let her girlfriend know she is coming by, but Dina reasons that she has a right to just stop by whenever now. Riley's car is still in the drive behind Ellie's Jeep. Dina is instantly irritated that both Jen and Abby's cars are absent. Her brain starts conceiving of a thousand awful scenarios going on behind the door in front of her. Her heart aches as she tells herself that she wouldn't even blame Ellie. Dina has been a horrible girlfriend and an awful bitch as of late. Of course, her anger and paranoia gets the better of her as she doesn't knock and just enters.

The living room is empty and quiet, but Dina can hear laughing from the hallway. A twinge of pain shoots through her. They better not be in Ellie's room. But as she gets closer to the hallway, Dina can smell the weed and the voices coming from the Purp. Still, who knows what's taking place on all those cushions. She stops short of the door, knowing that opening it will likely change things. On the one hand, if she sees something horrible, the relationship is over, and her heart will be shattered. On the other, if she's wrong, Ellie could be angry at her lack of trust. That, compounded with her recent behavior, could also spell the end of the relationship. Just then, she hears Riley ask Ellie in a sultry voice, "So now you want a tattoo? Why didn't you ever get one when we were together? I told you all the time how hot you would be with one."

Dina retracts her hand away from the doorknob like it was made of lava. She turns and escapes out the front door silently. Maybe she should have stayed around for Ellie's answer, but Dina is sure of one thing. Riley was pushing the boundaries of platonic interactions, and Ellie seemed to allow it. How long had this been their dynamic? Dina instantly recalls Ellie telling her how Riley strung her along, keeping her from pursuing anyone else but always keeping her at arm's length. Like she didn't want her but didn't want Ellie to move on either. Of course, this would explain everything, but Dina is unsure how her new girlfriend is handling it now. She knows how that turned out with Stamps clearly, but it seems like Dina is maybe more than that?

She doesn't walk home. Instead, she finds herself at the park nearby, sitting under a tree, dropping melting snow on her head from branches above. Her phone buzzes in her pocket, and she doesn't even remove it from its spot as she holds down the power button to turn it off. She never knew loving someone would be this hard. In her naivety, she had figured love like this was more of a noun than a verb. She had tried to love Jesse. It was a verb, but that was easy for some reason. Maybe because love, the noun, just wasn't there. And with her first love in high school, that was all love, the noun. Dina could never bring herself to work on the verb. So here she was, the noun dragging her down with its overwhelming presence, and now she was struggling to work on the act of loving someone who already held her heart. She had never had both at once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to get so angsty. Learning to trust when so much is on the line is not advised. I always said that every relationship leading up to this one prepared me for the next, but trusting was one thing I never picked up. On top of it, being betrayed the way I just had by an ex I trusted was damaging.
> 
> So "Manny" really was a creep. Dudes can be so ridiculous about gay women. We will see some more of his macho hetero bullshit later.
> 
> Also, "Jordan" is the worst. We finally had to cut him off from coming around as he started to get real shitty with me. Like he hated I won my wife's heart and he didn't? 
> 
> "Riley" really was a sneaky bitch. She was totally the type of female who just wanted to keep someone as a security but didn't really want them. I think she needed someone to want her so she didn't feel lonely if other shit didn't pan out. We aren't done with her yet though.
> 
> Anways, hit my inbox please folx!

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, love at first sight does in fact exist.


End file.
